Rage & Bullets

by Skyla Madi

  Kissing under a golden oak tree in fall, our feet drowned in crunchy, crimson leaves with winter lingering on the precipice...is this the kind of shit girls fall for in those romance books? Is it this what I’m falling for?

  Until him, I’ve never felt like I fit in. I’ve never felt good enough to be anyone’s friend and certainly not anyone’s lover.

  But here I am—attached—sewn so tightly to another human being that if we were to be cut in half I would spill out and my seam would never be the same again. I’m attached to him in a way that makes me want to throw up—in a way I’ve never been attached to anyone before.

  He releases me from my stupor as he pulls his mouth away from mine. I open my eyes and am met with his. He watches me, his jaw clenching with an uncertainty that makes my heart race in my chest. It pounds my lungs, leaving me breathless.

  “Run away with me, Kitten.”

  My breath rushes from my pummeled lungs only to catch in my throat.

  “What?”

  “I did what I came to do. Joel’s problems aren’t mine...run away with me.”

  Blank. Blank white walls slam into me and I’ve got nothing. Actually nothing.

  “Uh…run...run away? With you?”

  His brows furrow as he diverts his stare away from me, his dark ocean-like eyes awkwardly scanning over the lake. “Well, that’s not offensive at all.”

  “I don’t mean it like that...I just...you want to leave your brother? After everything?”

  He drags his stare back and the emotionless state of them scares me. I hate the hostility that exudes from him whenever his brother enters the conversation. It changes him into a completely different person—like the intense Jai I met underground.

  “Saving him hasn’t helped any...” He drops his head back against the tree, exposing his throat. “I thought that maybe once he’s back he’d want to take care of Jessica again and I’d finally be able to do something for myself.”

  I push on to the tips of my toes and plant a soft kiss on the hollow of his throat.

  A harsh blow of wind whips by, shaking the trees, and causing leaves to rain down on us. Jai drops his head, burying it into the hair that blows against the nape of my neck. Eventually, like always, the wind runs out of breath, but Jai doesn’t lift his head.

  A minute passes and soon that minute stretches into two.

  Then four.

  New blasts of wind are conjured. Blow after blow they slam us, but he doesn’t budge.

  Not until I finally speak.

  “He needs your help. What are you afraid of?”

  Jai inhales deeply through his nose and blows it out his mouth before finally lifting his head. His sincere blue eyes replace decaying bark and dried sap as he straightens his posture.

  “Honestly?”

  I nod. “Honestly.”

  “I’m afraid this will end...and I’m not ready for this to end.”

  I tip my head on a slight angle, unable to keep myself from being sarcastic.

  “You like being locked up in a lake house—an old lake house I should mention—while a psychopathic murderer with his own damn army hunts us down?”

  He rolls his eyes. “That part I can obviously do without, but here, in this little lake house with you? Yes.”

  Butterflies emerge from cocoons and race around my tummy, their wings lightly flicking me, causing heat to flood my body, rising rapidly until it pools in my cheeks.

  “Jai...”

  “You know, I keep having this recurring dream...all of this is over. There’s no Skull, no drama...no responsibilities.”

  I arch an eyebrow, shifting my weight onto my left leg. “Not even one?”

  He shakes his head. “Not a single one.”

  “Well, that’s a little unrealistic.”

  He scoffs, making me squeak as he pinches my side between the large pads of his thumb and forefinger. Unprecedented giggles erupt from my chest as my muscles spasm underneath his ruthless pressure.

  “Can I finish?”

  I laugh, deciding to keep the “that’s what she said” joke to myself, and nod.

  Jai glances up at the tree. “Where was I?”

  “You were at the part where we’re Barbie and Ken with absolutely no problems.”

  He drops his stare back to mine, his irises swirling with beautiful amusement. “Not true. Ken doesn’t have a penis and I’d say that’s a major problem.”

  I snort. “I think we’re getting a little off topic here. Tell me about your dream.”

  “All right.” He clears his throat, leaning back against the tree, pulling me with him. “It starts as I’m taking you to dinner. It’s a big, extravagant dinner with more food than you’d consume in an entire year.”

  “Why so much foo—”

  He crushes his mouth to mine for the briefest second. I don’t even have the time to close my eyes and enjoy the aggressive press of his lips against mine before he pulls away with a “Shhhhh.”

  Somehow, as my brain spins haphazardly in my head, I manage a nod.

  Listening. Right.

  “We sit down and I order all of my favorites from the menu—things I know you’ve never tried—and I order all of the things I think you’d like.”

  “So…anything that comes with bacon?”

  “Right.” A genuine smile curves his supple lips. “You wear a beautiful knee length red, silk dress that cuts across one shoulder and ties around the waist. Your long, smooth legs are seemingly never ending until my stare reaches the tall, black heels that encase your soft feet.”

  I smile, unable to help it. He recites the details of the dream like he’s committed it to memory. There are so many butterflies in my belly at the moment I’m surprised I haven’t flown away yet.

  “You don’t eat much, but we have a good time getting to know each other in more relaxed circumstances.”

  He stops and admires me, his face content with the story he told. I blink. Well? Where the hell is the rest of it? I wait with faux patience. Not knowing is almost unbearable, like watching a movie with no conflict or climax. I like climaxes in every aspect of my life, thanks.

  “And then?” I urge, prodding his stomach with my finger.

  His eyes flare, teasing me with untold information. “And then what?”

  Oh, the fucking angst. I hate it!

  “What happens after that?”

  Jai leans closer, until his warm breath blows across my cheeks. “After that…you fall madly in love with me.”

  I roll my eyes, nervous at how warm it makes me feel under the collar. “Is that right?”

  He’s smug, his handsome face smooth and happy. “It is.”

  Fine. I’ll play his game. “And what happens after I fall madly in love with you?”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  I press against him. “Oh, but I do.”

  My body exudes heat, singeing the fine hairs on the surface of my skin. Jai lowers his face and brushes his lips against mine. I can’t breathe. His very existence sucks the air from my lungs like a vacuum does when you put it over your mouth.

  “You want to know?” He teases, his voice laced with desire.

  I nod. I nod earnestly.

  “I take you home and throw you on my bed. You’re absolutely terrified as I grab your pathetic, thin, little dress and tear it right from your body.”

  His eyes brighten as my lips part and I shiver.

  “To my delight, you’re not wearing anything underneath.”

  Embarrassingly, my breath hitches and if I had pearls I’d clench them. “And then?”

  “And then…” He pauses as his heavy lidded eyes flicker over my face. “I keep the rest of the dream to myself.”

  “What?” I gape like a fish out of water. “Y-you can’t do that.”

  His lips pull into a devious smirk. “I just did.”

  I open my mouth to cuss him out and maybe say some shit I’ll regret later, but the sound of the back door slamming shut takes the wor
ds right out of my mouth. I don’t need to look over my shoulder to know it’s Joel. I see it Jai’s eyes. I see the glimmer of happiness I put there before it drowns in bitter darkness. Jai pulls his head back, the connection between us evaporating in a second.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He groans, dropping the back of his head against the tree.

  I push back against the sweater, hinting for him to let me out.

  “Stay.” He mutters.

  I shake my head. “You two need to sort this out.”

  Sighing, he grabs the hem of the sweater and stretches it out, making it easy for me to slip out the bottom. I grab his hand and squeeze it gently before I turn around and walk off. A violent shiver makes me hyperaware of the rapid return of my goosebumps.

  I wrap my arms around my waist and hug myself as tight as I can as I approach Joel. He tugs on the strings to a black hoodie Jai gave him, tightening the fabric around his face.

  “He’s all right?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing with the first hint of concern I’ve seen him show for Jai since he got here.

  I swallow, stopping in my tracks. The safe answer is to tell him Jai is all right. The correct answer is to deny that Jai is okay...because he’s not. He needs his brother. He destroyed his own life to bring Joel back and for what? I’m an orphan so I can’t speak from experience, but I know common courtesy requires some kind of acknowledgment at the very least.

  “Uh...” I scratch my head, shifting my weight onto my left leg as I lean with my hip. How do I put this delicately but still drive home my main point?

  “He threw away his career and risked his life for you.”

  Yeesh. Not exactly delicate, but at least it’s precise.

  “But I didn’t—”

  “He’s murdered people in cold blood and, not to mention, he recently abandoned his little sister and has her shipped to a different country, and for what? You?”

  Joel drops his dark, ocean stare to the icy ground. I’m glad I’m making him uncomfortable. He should know the lengths his brother went to to save his life.

  “I fought him constantly, you know. I tried to convince him that you were dead and Skull did too, but he was hell bent on proving us wrong. He couldn’t let it go...” I pause, letting it sink in. “Don’t make him wish he’d listened to us.”

  Joel looks at me. Emotion, clear and wet, builds up in the corner of his eyes and it pulls at my heart strings, sending it catapulting into my throat.

  He is a man in love.

  He is a man barely holding it together.

  “I can’t forget her. I can’t leave her. Not there—not with him.” He clenches his jaw—on and off—in thought. “I need his help.”

  I offer a small, comforting smile. Love is such an unrelenting force of nature. Jai could cut off Joel’s legs and send him to the other side of the world and Joel would still make it back here. That’s the way the heart works. Who would have thought such a delicate ball of blood and tissue could be so strong?

  “Good luck.” I say, unable to hide another shiver as the wind picks up.

  “Thanks.”

  I force my cold, stiff legs forward, eager to get back inside the warm house. As I reach the back steps, I glance over my shoulder and whisper another good luck under my breath.

  God knows he’s going to need it.

  Need

  Jai

  We can’t even look at each other. Awkwardly, our stares scan over the lake and the rustle of leaves is the only sound to be heard. This uncertainty is a far cry from where we used to be. Joel and I could talk about anyone and anything…but I guess a lot of things have changed.

  Exhaling, Joel reaches into the pocket of his black hoodie and pulls out a cigarette. I watch him as he places it between his dry lips and fishes for a lighter in the pockets of his sweatpants. He finds it in the front pocket and brings the metal plate at the top to the tip of his cigarette. With a swift flick of his thumb, sparks turn into a solid flame. It dances in the breeze before he shields it with his hand and lights his cigarette. The tip glows red as he sucks on the butt and returns the lighter to his pocket.

  The smoking.

  I can’t stand the smoking. The smell of it clings to everything he touches and it turns my stomach. Inhaling, he frees the cigarette from his lips and extends it to me. I clench my jaw and stare at him. Can he see how badly I want to stamp it out on his nut sack?

  “I don’t smoke.”

  He nods a smug kind of nod as he blows out the poison in a puff of smoke. “You should. It’d relax you a little.”

  “I’m relaxed.” I shoot back and he rolls his eyes.

  “Sounds like it.”

  Ah. There it is—the sarcasm I grew up with. At least some things haven’t changed.

  “Look, I’m sorry I reached out to your friends for help, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

  I fold my arms across my chest and glance back to the lake. “Emily is right. Ted and Huss are big enough and ugly enough to make their own decisions. If they think their life is worth risking for a female you share with Skull then that’s their problem.”

  Dead silence falls—even the trees stop swaying as the breeze vanishes.

  “Watch your mouth, baby brother. I’ve killed for a lot less.”

  I frown, turning my attention back to him. There’s a crazy gleam in the bottomless depths of his eyes—a gleam from his new life. The manic unpredictability...it mimics Skull’s. It also nags at me, begging me to fuel it, daring me to continue to push Joel’s big, shiny buttons.

  “Of all the women you could have chosen when you were at the top of the world it just had to be his.”

  With clear aggression, he sucks back another hit of nicotine and blows it back out just as quick. “She wasn’t his.”

  “She sure as shit wasn’t yours. How many whores does Skull have anyway and what was Monique’s price?”

  “Enough!” He barks out, but I’m nowhere near fucking finished.

  “Let me guess. She’s a junkie? She fucks him for nice shoes and free crack?”

  His jaw ticks. “Jai.”

  I click my fingers. “Oh, I see. She’s only fucking him to pay her way through med school?”

  Tossing the cigarette, he launches forward. His large, heavy hands slam into my shoulders, shoving me hard against the tree. I don’t react as he twists my sweater between his tattooed knuckles and pulls me forward again. His face is an inch from mine, his putrid cigarette breath blowing heavily across my skin.

  “One more fucking word and I’ll cut your tongue out of your mouth. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “You want to get yourself killed? Fine, but don’t expect me to help.”

  “You’re going to abandon me when I need you? Where’s the fucking brotherhood in that? Huh?”

  I smile. I smile because he’s so damn clueless. I’ve never abandoned him. I came through for him when everyone else was telling me it was a lost cause. I never gave up on Joel...until now.

  “Don’t talk to me about brotherhood. That went out the door the second you left me to look after Jessica.” I shrug him off and shove him back. “Fuck you and your whor—”

  His fist slams into my mouth with the weight of a freight train behind it. My head is tossed to the side and I taste blood. Hunched, I press my fingers to my lips and pulling them back reveals blood. My brain swells in my skull, pressing painfully against the bone, giving me an instant headache. I should have seen it coming.

  I didn’t.

  I glare up at him. Joel’s nostrils flare and his pupils dilate. At his sides, his fist clench and relax, syncing with the quick tempo of his chest.

  I spit blood on the leaves at my feet. “You didn’t let me finish.”

  “Call her that again,” he growls. “And I will end you.”

  I smirk, despite how much it hurts my lip. “I’ve fought monsters three times the size of you. You’re going to have to try harder if you want to intimidate me.”

  �
��Try harder?” He laughs once as he bends down and picks out his burning cigarette from a pile of leaves. Smoke wafts up as leaves burn, but he stomps it out with his bare foot. “I’m not trying at all.”

  I swipe at my mouth and swallow the metallic tasting blood that pools on my tongue.

  Relaxed, and annoyingly smug, Joel puffs repeatedly on the end of his cigarette, encouraging the ember to burn evenly.

  “If I wanted to intimidate you, I’d start with the cute, little brunette you’ve found yourself...maybe make a comment on the freaky similarities between her and Skull’s dead wife.”

  I grind my teeth. How does he know about that? “What’s your point?”

  “My point is you’re a hypocrite. I’ve seen the skull tattoo on her collarbone. If she was yours, she sure as shit ain’t anymore. In fact, I’m certain Skull would trade my ordinary whore for one that looks like his dead wife.”

  My heart thunders in my chest. I should kick the shit out of him just for saying it.

  “You don’t have the balls to contact Skull to arrange a trade. He’ll kill you the second he sees your face. If he doesn’t, I will.”

  He tips his head to the side. “You’ll kill me? For her?”

  Was it not clear enough? I narrow my glare. “If I have to.”

  Joel inhales his cigarette, sucking its poison deep into his lungs and holds it, ensuring it soaks into his lung tissue. A second later, he blows it out.

  “Good. Then you know how it feels.”

  “I’m not helping you, Joel.”

  Joel clenches his jaw and growls through his teeth, crushing his lit cigarette in his fist.

  “Why the fuck not?!”

  “If I die Jessica is on her own—Emily too. Their lives aren’t worth risking—not for one of Skull’s whor—”

  Again, his fist slams into my mouth, filling it with blood. It fucking hurts! If he wasn’t already so beat up, I’d beat him to a pulp.

  “Fuck! Will you let me finish?!”

  He clenches his wrist in his hand then gives it a quick shake. “Goddamn it, Jai! I can’t do it without you.”