Rage & Bullets

by Skyla Madi

  Sharp points of jealousy stab my stomach and fuel my panic.

  I shut my eyes and focus on the touch of her palm on my bicep. For now, it’s enough to hold off the impending panic attack.

  “I had that dream again last night.” I mutter, changing the subject, doing anything I can to stop torturing myself with possibilities of our stark future.

  “The one where I wear the red dress?”

  “Mm.” I nod, smiling slightly. “You look amazing in that red dress. It’s a wonder we even make it to dinner.”

  She laughs as I open my eyes and it’s a beautiful sound—girly and sweet. “I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. In your dream you said I fall madly in love with you after dinner.”

  I nod.

  “When do you fall madly in love with me? During dessert?”

  “That’s funny.”

  I chuckle, then pause. How doesn’t she know? After everything we’ve been through, after everything we’ve done, and everything I’ve said, how she hasn’t put two and two together. I open my mouth, then shut it. Rejection isn’t something I think I can handle with her. For the briefest moment, disappointment flashes in her eyes and shatters my fear of being rejected. What have I got to lose? If I’m going to die tomorrow, then I want to die knowing that Emily is aware she’s loved by another human being.

  “I’ve already fallen in love with you, Kitten.”

  A bright pink blush flares up her throat and pools in her cheeks. Her hand shakes as she reaches up to push a thin lock of hair off her forehead, but even with her visible nervousness, her shoulders lift in relief as she straightens her spine. It all makes sense. The distance she’s kept—her strange attitude. I conjured up a million reasons to explain her behavior, how’d I forgo the simplest one? I tortured myself with incredulous scenarios and theories, working myself up for no reason when the answer was so obvious.

  She loves me too.

  “O-Oh..." She stutters. "I...I...wasn’t expecting—”

  “And forget what I said about you falling in love with me after dinner. You’ve already fallen in love with me too.” I state.

  Just like earlier, the churn of her stomach is visible as a bout of nausea crosses her countenance.

  “How do you know you love me?” She asks, sheepishly.

  Her large, doe eyes flick to mine. There’s a sad droop to her eyebrows at the end of a concerned curve. What is she so afraid of?

  “How do I know?”

  “Yeah.” She glances at her hands and threads her fingers together. “How do you know for sure?”

  I exhale and flick off the headlights, drowning us in darkness—not complete darkness. I can still see the outline of her face, the slope of her neck and the curve of her breasts. I notice the change in her breathing in the darkness. It’s calm and relaxed—like there’s no more pressure to look me in the eyes when she speaks.

  “I haven’t really thought about it.” I say, scratching my head—which reminds me I need a damn haircut. “I guess, in summary, the thought of not being with you for even a second makes me feel tight in the chest.”

  Emily whips her head in my direction. “Does it?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  Through the darkness, she reaches out and slips her warm hand into mine. It’s damp, but it no longer trembles and it feels so tiny enclosed in my giant paw.

  I like this. Being able to tell her everything I’ve been thinking—everything I’ve been feeling. Why stop there?

  “I find myself stealing glimpses at you all day. You’re so fucking cute.”

  With her free hand, Emily covers her mouth and I can only imagine the fierce blush in her cheeks at this very second.

  “Oh my God. Stop. You do not!”

  If only she knew just how many times I catch myself watching her—admiring her. Perhaps then she wouldn’t ask me if I’m sure about loving her.

  “I do.”

  “What if I’m picking my nose?” She asks, shock and disgust dominating her tone as he cringes.

  “I’m sure you’d find a cute way to do it.”

  Emily’s beautiful, uncontrolled laughter fills the car and I add it to my list of things that make me certain that I love her.

  I shift in my seat. “I know I love you because the thought of being with anyone else—or you being with anyone else—just...it drives me fucking insane.” I swallow the bitterness in my throat. “All of those things...they’ve gotta count for something.”

  A thick silence falls and all I can think about is begging her to tell me she loves me. I want to hear it more than anything—more than I want to live. I need to know that the last few years of my life—the life I’ve dedicated to finding a brother who doesn’t give a shit—hasn’t been a total waste.

  “I feel the same, but...” She sighs, dropping her head back against her headrest. “I’ve never...God. I’m so pathetic.”

  I release her hand and she pulls it back to shield her face.

  “You’re definitely not pathetic, Kitten.”

  She snorts, dropping her hands against her thighs with a slap. “Will you ever stop calling me that?”

  “I don’t think so.” I laugh. “No.”

  I’ve never been a pet name kind of guy. To be honest, the thought of them make me cringe, but she was too fun not to tease when I met her and it’s stuck.

  She is Kitten.

  She hates it, but that doesn’t matter.

  “I’ve never said the words before.” She admits and the sadness in her voice hits me hard.

  I shift in my seat again, angling my body towards her. “Never?”

  “I grew up without parents and siblings. I’ve avoided any serious relationships and have never had the means to own a pet so no...never.”

  Ah, so she has first time jitters. Nothing a little booze can’t fix. Turning in my seat, I reach behind it, stuffing in my hand into the pocket attached to the back. I remember seeing Ted stash a bottle of Vodka in there before we left. There’s nothing like a bottle of Russian water to loosen the tongue. I push deeper and my fingers graze the side of a cool bottle. Smiling, I wrap my fingers around the neck and pull it free.

  “What are we going to do with that?”

  I smile. Isn’t it obvious?

  “We’re going to drink your first time jitters away.”

  Emily quirks an eyebrow in the most mischievous of ways, making my blood sing. Fuck she’s beautiful.

  “You know, this is all starting to sound a little like tenth grade.”

  I arch a brow, matching hers. “Please tell me you did not drink Vodka and fuck in a car when you were in high school.”

  Cringing, she nods as she pushes herself out of her chair and forces herself through the space between the front seats. With a squeeze and a huff, she’s drops onto the back seat.

  “In the back of a truck with senior footballer Tommy Field and the smallest bottle of Vodka I’ve ever seen.”

  Exhaling, she rests her feet on the back of the passenger seat.

  “What, there weren’t any girls his age?”

  She snickers, patting the space next to her. “Apparently not.”

  Fucking sleaze. Then again, I can’t talk. If we went to the same school I’d have followed her around relentlessly. I would have had her and not in the back of a fucking truck.

  Clenching the bottle in my hand, I join her on the back seat. We share the booze without talking, both of us reveling in the silence. Around us, the air grows warm and humid, coaxing Emily to ditch her jacket while I ditch my sweater. Admittedly, I’d be more relaxed if I knew the answer to the question that’s burning at the back of my mind. Tommy Field. Who was he to her? I can imagine what he looked like so vividly in my head. Broad shoulders, black slicked hair, dark eyes and a smug look to match. I hate him and I don’t even know the piece of shit.

  I clear my throat. “You and Tommy...was he your first?”

  She rakes her perfect, white teeth over her bottom lips, biting back an awkward smile.r />
  “Yeah. He was.”

  Yep. I hate the shit out of him. Has a time machine been invented yet? If so, how much will it cost me to go back in time and beat the shit out of this guy?

  I take the bottle from her hands and fill my mouth with it. My head spins with the effects of the alcohol and I grit my teeth as I swallow. I hold the bottle in front of my face. How have we almost finished it? How long have we been sitting here?

  She extends her hand and I return the bottle.

  “How’d that pan out afterwards?” I ask.

  “Afterwards?” She downs a mouthful and hisses with a shudder. “Afterwards I didn’t exist and Mr. Quarterback went back to his on again off again high school sweetheart.”

  “Fucking asshole.”

  It’s official. I’m going back in time to shove an unlubricated football up his dick hole.

  She shrugs. “It is what it is. What about you? Where was your first time and what was her name?”

  I drop my head against the seat. How long ago was it? Too long to remember the girl’s last name.

  “Her name was Melanie Something and it was on a beach.”

  Emily turns in her seat, stretching her long legs across mine. Unable to resist, I rest my hand on her thigh.

  “A beach? How romantic.”

  I roll my eyes. “Sex on a beach is overrated. It was fucking horrible and anything but romantic.”

  “How so?”

  There is nothing, and I mean nothing, romantic about chaffing. The whole ordeal was a mess—and not to mention it lasted less than six minutes. Teenage nerves ruin lives.

  “Don’t ask.”

  I peer at Emily. Her eyes are wide and her face is lit up by both amusement and excitement.

  “Were you drinking?” She asks, handing me the booze.

  “No.” I take a sip. “I’m pretty sure every teenage boy wants to remember when they first have sex and exactly what it felt like the next morning.”

  Emily shifts closer to me, scooting forward until her ass touches the side of my thigh. “Did you enjoy it?”

  I blink at her.

  “I had sex...with a girl...for the first time in my life. Of course I enjoyed it.” I clench the bottle in my hand. “Was Tommy—a douche baggy name, by the way—was he good? Did you enjoy it?”

  With a single laugh, she shakes her head. “For months I worked the whole thing up in my head before he asked me out on a date. It was going to be romantic and nice—and it was going to feel better than it did when I touched myself.”

  “Was it?”

  She slaps her hand over her face. “Oh, God, no. It was horrible. At least your six minutes was still double Tommy’s time—not to mention it felt like I was being punched in the cervix with a cucumber.”

  I laugh—we laugh—and the sound mixes so perfectly, her light tones meshing with my deep.

  “No one has made me feel as good as you make me feel.” She murmurs, raking her teeth over her bottom lip as the last giggle bubbles up her throat.

  My heart ceases to beat as she leans in. All it takes is a gentle brush of her lips against mine and lungs refuse to function properly.

  She plants a kiss on my lower lip. “I love the way you make me feel.”

  “Almost.” I whisper, kissing her lip in return. “Say the other line.”

  Her lips curl into a mischievous grin. I can’t take my eyes off them until she lowers her face, disappearing under my jaw line, and kisses my neck in the most delicious of ways. I tilt my head offering her more skin as she presses her warm, gentle lips in a trail all the way up to the lobe of my ear.

  “I want you to force it out of me.” She whispers, finishing with another kiss.

  I groan, tempted to rip open the fabric that hides her body from me and come on every pore, hair follicle and freckle on her body.

  “Not in the car, Kitten.” I tell her, gripping her shoulders and pushing her back. “You’re too good for the backseat of a car.”

  My stare drops to her chest. The rise and fall of her breasts mesmerizes me—hypnotizing me to take back what I said. She can sit on me. She can ride me...fuck me into oblivion. This seat makes it so easy to do...makes it so easy to just...fucking...do it.

  Emily moistens her top lip.

  “Then take me to bed.”

  Smooth

  Jai

  I run the palm of my hand between her breasts, down her tummy, and snake it between her thighs, forcing all the soap and water to wash down to the floor. She soaps my chest, running her fingers along every rise and depression. It feels nice to appreciate her like this after she let me into her body. We never got to take the time to appreciate each other in the tunnels. We fucked quickly, usually clothed, and that was the end of it. Here, I see all of her. From the scar on her left ankle to the spattering of light freckles on her cheeks. She is perfection.

  My perfection.

  Today is a bitter pill to swallow. Now that it’s here, I realize I never got to enjoy her enough. I haven’t spoiled her...I haven’t taken her places she’s never been...and it’s all about to come to an end. Why couldn’t I have found her before this? Why couldn’t I have found her before Tommy field—before all of the other useless men before me?

  I want her. I want her now, back then and in the future.

  Mine. All mine.

  “I want to come with you.” She mutters, her shoulders relaxing from the tense hold she’s had them in this whole time.

  I stop caressing the skin around her belly button and flick my stare to hers. Her fierce irises burn with desperation. They plead with me, beg me to adhere to her wishes. There’s no way she’s coming to Skull’s compound—no fucking way—and I know that’s exactly what she’s asking.

  “Are you out of your mind? I’m not taking you there.”

  Emily drops her hands from my chest and smooths them over her head, forcing her hair into place.

  “Please don’t leave me here. I can’t stand it.” She steps closer. “I want to be there—where you are.”

  “You’re safer here.” I turn my back to her and step into the hot stream of water, ending the conversation.

  Or at least I intended it to end the conversation. Naturally, Emily refuses to accept my final word. A stubborn little thing, as I’ve always said. She swings around my body, stopping in front of me with her arms crossed tightly under her breasts. I remember when I slid my cock between them. God...that was sexy. She ducks low for a moment, forcing my eyes from her lovely breasts to her face.

  “I feel safer with you, Jai.” Her eyes glisten. “Please. Don’t make me wait in the dark by myself. Not again.”

  I close my eyes and sink into the stream, letting it blast into my hair and roll down my face. What’s the worst that could happen? Huss will be in the car with her and he knows the times and signals to flee if anything goes wrong. He could take her with him...if she’s already in the car he can’t pussy out and abandon her here all alone.

  I lean away from the jets and brush my hands over my face, clearing any excess water.

  “Fine.” I say, opening my eyes. “You can come with us, but you stay in the car and you do what Huss tells you. If—”

  “Thank you! Thank you!” She bounces toward me.

  “Listen.” I grip her shoulders, preventing her from wrapping her excited little arms around my waist. “If I don’t make it back you leave. All right? You don’t get to come looking for me. You don’t get to go on a rampage.”

  Her excitement dulls and she pulls her arms back into her chest, as if they work as extra protection for her heart. “I can’t just leave if you don’t come back.”

  Her voice cracks and it’s the exact emotion I want her to avoid going into this thing tomorrow night. I might die. I might not make it back to her. The thought fucking terrifies me, but I can’t act on it. I can’t let it consume me. I need to have a clear head for my brother—for Ted and Huss.

  For her.

  “If you don’t promise me, Kitten. You
’re not coming.”

  Emily swallows hard, weighing the decision in her mind. I get it. It’s a hard decision. If shit goes south I’m telling her to forget me and move on. It’s hard to grasp when you’ve just told someone you love them.

  “I promise.” Her chin falls slightly. “I promise I will leave the second Huss wants to.”

  I grab her and pull her into me. Having her there will ease me to a degree. Any extra seconds I get to spend with her are a bonus.

  I just pray I won’t end up regretting it.

  ***

  “Wakey, wakey!”

  Boom. The bedroom door is kicked open and it smashes against the wall with a crash.

  “Are you two up?” Joel asks, his voice filled with an annoying amount of energy.

  Squinting, I force my eyes open and a blurry object saunters toward me, carrying something. I rub at my eyes and angle my body to look at the clock. Eight a.m.? Why the fuck is Joel waking us at eight a.m.? What time did he get in? I may have said a little prayer for his safety before bed last night...now I wish I didn’t. Why the hell is he so chipper? I all but left him for dead.

  Groaning, Emily bunches the blanket around her chest and pushes herself into a seated position. She rests her forehead against the palm of her hand.

  “Huss tells me you two had a lot of fun last night.”

  I grunt at him, holding the blanket against my hips. I definitely don’t want Joel to see me naked. Lifting his foot, he kicks the alarm clock off the bedside table and sits his tray down. I rub at my eyes again, pushing all of the blurriness away, and glance at the tray. The multicolored juices...the eggs and vegetables...to be honest it all looks like shit.

  “I made freshly squeezed juice and threw together a nutritious omelet for you to share.”

  “Ugh.” Emily falls back against the bed and covers her face with a spare pillow. “Pass.”

  Joel shrugs and looks at me with a smile. “More for you.”

  Sitting up, I reach for a glass of whatever the hell it is and pluck it off the tray. “Didn’t poison it, did you?”

  Joel laughs as he runs his hands down the front of his black tee. “I’m not mad at you for last night, baby brother. I kept something from you and you ditched me. Now we’re even.”