I'm Not Running

by David Hare

  He shakes his head, bitter.

  They’re all watching.

  Pauline Who?

  Jack The guests. I can tell without even looking. The whole lot of them, pretending to talk, but actually staring at us in the garden.

  Pauline Jack if you want me to leave, I will.

  Jack No.

  Pauline I came here to comfort Meredith’s family. But if my presence upsets you –

  Jack It doesn’t. I wouldn’t mind one of those.

  Pauline holds out the packet. Jack takes one.

  Jack Don’t tell Jessica.

  Pauline It’s not likely.

  She lights it for him, surreptitiously.

  Jack Feminism’s such a crappy default. Everything passed through the same filter. ‘Women are great, men are awful.’ It’s stupid, it’s lazy.

  Pauline waits, saying nothing.

  What were you doing in my office that night?

  Pauline I was trying to set up a meeting.

  Jack Who with?

  Pauline With you.

  Jack Why didn’t you call me?

  Pauline I could ask you the same question.

  Jack What was the meeting about?

  Pauline About what you’d feel if I ran.

  Jack What I’d feel?

  Pauline Yes.

  Jack looks straight at her.

  Jack I’d feel I was never going to be rid of you. Ever.

  Pauline That’s what I thought you’d feel.

  Jack I walked into a fucking Wetherspoons in Gateshead in 1997, and apparently I’m to be punished for the rest of my life. Your shadow, falling across my path. At every step.

  Pauline Is that how you see it?

  Jack Oh, and you don’t? Anything I ever wanted, you took. And now it’s the leadership.

  Pauline shrugs slightly.

  Pauline It’s just bad luck –

  Jack Oh, really?

  Pauline You happen to be a candidate –

  Jack What, coincidence, is it?

  Pauline When I’m thinking of running.

  Jack Oh, you’re thinking of it, are you? You’re thinking? What a luxurious process that must be –

  Pauline Jack –

  Jack What do you do? Lie in a bubble-bath, weighing the pros and cons? How long will you be stroking your chin?

  Pauline I haven’t decided.

  Jack And you don’t think it counts against you that you sent out your fucking valet to hold a press conference and tell the world the exact opposite? ‘I’m not running!’

  He has raised his arms above his head, characterising her.

  Your usual technique: taking something by pretending not to want it!

  He shouts at her.

  Jesus Christ, Pauline. I’ve given my whole life! I’ve put in the hours. I’ve gone to the meetings. I’ve sat through meetings so boring I thought my head would burst.

  Pauline I know that.

  Jack I’ve given everything.

  Pauline I know.

  Jack While you’ve been off on the glamour trail.

  Pauline That’s why I wanted to talk to you.

  Jack Talk meaning ‘talk’, or talk meaning ‘listen’?

  She says nothing.

  No, really. Tell you: you’d make a terrible leader of the Labour Party because you don’t care about it. I do. You have no sense of its identity, and worse, no sense of its traditions. I know you’re the most popular person in Britain but that’s because you’re single-issue. Single-issue’s easy. Single-issue isn’t politics, single-issue is a way of having no politics. We can all take a cause – women, black people, health, animals – hey! the planet – and have a marvellous time pushing the cause. But governing’s different.

  Pauline I know that.

  Jack To govern you have to balance out every demand from every interest group and lobbyist in the whole country. You have to do sums and go to war. And for that you need a philosophy.

  Pauline Really?

  Jack Yes. And I don’t mean a small philosophy. I mean a big one.

  Pauline And you have such a philosophy, do you?

  Jack I think I do. Because ultimately, I’m serious, and you’re not.

  Pauline I’m serious.

  Jack Oh yeah? Is that why you said you weren’t running?

  Pauline I’m not running.

  Jack Are you or aren’t you? You tell me.

  Pauline I’m not running yet.

  Jack Good. Another way of putting it: you’ve started your campaign with a lie.

  Pauline Not really.

  Jack No? What would you call ‘I’m not running’?

  Pauline I’d call it buying time.

  Jack Ah.

  Pauline I needed time to think.

  Jack Ah. Prevarication. Excellent. That’s a great leadership quality, Pauline. Not knowing your mind. Arsing about. That’s just what people look for in a leader.

  He shakes his head, his prejudices confirmed.

  You see, when the real pressure starts, you buckle and weave. Like everyone else.

  Pauline looks at him, sad now.

  Pauline Can I explain?

  Jack Please do.

  Pauline What I was doing in your office that night?

  Jack You could indeed.

  Pauline takes a leap.

  OK, Jack, I might as well tell you. I went round to give you some news.

  Jack What news?

  Pauline I joined the Party.

  Jack You joined?

  Pauline Yes.

  Jack You’re a member?

  Pauline That’s what happens when you join.

  Jack Since when?

  Pauline About eighteen months ago.

  Jack I don’t believe you.

  Pauline Believe me. I smoked a joint and then I joined.

  Jack looks at her in disbelief.

  I thought it was news I should share.

  Jack It’s impossible.

  Pauline It’s possible.

  Jack You told me: you’re not a joiner.

  Pauline Now I am.

  Jack And apart from anything, there’s a national register. You’re saying your name is on it?

  Pauline I did it through my local party. They have a very good chair. She’s a friend.

  Jack is taking this in.

  Jack You’ve been planning this for two years?

  Pauline Planning? No. I wasn’t planning anything.

  Jack You expect me to believe that?

  Pauline I just joined. That’s different.

  Jack And prevailing on the chair to keep your member ship secret, was that different too?

  Pauline She’s a good person. I paid my fifty pounds and carried on as before.

  Jack Oh, did you?

  Pauline We’ve been approached by the local Unison officer. I think I’ll be able to get trade union support.

  Jack Well, bully for you.

  Pauline And my impression is – Sandy’s only talked to them informally – but I have the feeling the Co-operative movement will be keen.

  Jack And you’re saying this isn’t a plan?

  Pauline It hasn’t been a plan. It’s becoming a plan.

  Jack nods, his worst fears confirmed.

  Jack I’m sorry to disillusion you, Pauline, but there are rules about this sort of thing.

  Pauline They told me that.

  Jack No one who has ever stood for election against a Labour candidate can join the Party without the permission of the National Executive.

  Pauline Yes, I’ve read those rules.

  Jack And you won’t get that permission. Not if I have anything to do with it.

  Pauline Remember, I’ll bring a lot of votes to the Labour Party.

  Jack The Labour Party’s not int erested in votes. It’s not interested in popularity. It’s interested in process. It’s interested in internal procedure. The rule-book. Frankly, if you haven’t put in the hours, you don’t have a prayer.

  Pauline Fine. It’s good you’re conf
ident.

  Jack is looking at her in anger.

  Jack This is revenge.

  Pauline Revenge?

  Jack Revenge on me.

  Pauline Revenge for what, Jack?

  Jack It’s obvious. What do you think?

  Pauline I have no idea.

  Jack Because ten years ago you seduced me and I didn’t leave Jessica.

  Pauline Are you out of your head?

  Jack No.

  Pauline Leave Jessica?

  Jack Of course.

  Pauline You’re crazy. I never thought of such a thing.

  Jack No? Then why did we go to bed?

  Pauline Why? There wasn’t a why. We just did it. Like people do. They don’t mean to but they do. It happens.

  Jack No significance?

  Pauline No.

  Jack No intention?

  Pauline No.

  Jack So what was it about? That day you came round?

  Pauline What was it about? It was about signing a petition.

  Jack I don’t think so.

  Pauline That’s what it was about. A petition.

  Jack You always wanted me. From the day we met. And you always wanted to fuck me. In the deepest sense of that word. Deny it if you dare.

  He waits a moment. Pauline says nothing.

  No. And if you can’t do it in bed, you’ll do it in a committee room at the House of Commons.

  Pauline Is that what you think?

  Jack It’s exactly what I think.

  Pauline Is that how you see the last twenty years?

  Jack Pauline, there is no twenty years. Not between us. There’s nothing between us.

  Pauline Nothing? Nothing?

  She is shocked. She stands a moment.

  Jack Right now you’re the angel of the NHS and everyone loves you. Become a party politician, and everyone’ll hate you. And you’ll be exactly the same person. There it is. I need to go in.

  Pauline OK.

  Jack The children are waiting,

  Pauline OK.

  Jack I’m the host.

  But he makes no move.

  Pauline Can I ask you a question, Jack?

  Jack By all means. Go ahead.

  Pauline I’ve always wanted to know.

  Pauline Why are you so frightened?

  Jack I’m not frightened.

  Jack says nothing.

  OK, then let’s look at this. You’re an adult, Jack, you’re a grown-up. So maybe I will stand. So what? Is that so terrible? We fight it out. You have the tradition, I have the independence. Let’s see who wins. What’s wrong with that?

  Jack You know what’s wrong.

  Pauline And the more interesting question, what I’m really asking –

  Jack What? What question?

  Pauline Why do you assume you’ll lose?

  Jack Why?

  Pauline Yes.

  And now both of them are silenced, miserable. After a moment or two Pauline speaks from the heart.

  I wish we were starting out, don’t you, Jack? Don’t you long to be young? Doesn’t it hurt?

  The two of them look at each other, inconsolable.

  Jack I need to go back in. Everyone’s staring.

  Pauline Yes.

  Jack They need me in there.

  He backs away a little.

  I’ll see you soon.

  Pauline No doubt.

  Jack Now we’re both Labour. I’ll bump into you, I’m sure.

  He heads away, then turns back.

  One thing I can promise: if you do decide to run –

  Pauline Yes?

  Jack I’ll do everything I can to beat you. I’m going to make you suffer.

  Pauline Thanks.

  Jack Because you deserve it.

  Pauline How can you say that to me?

  Jack is still.

  You’re right. I don’t understand the traditions. There’s only one Labour Party tradition I really do understand. I understand it better than you. And that’s the one that says ‘Never put a woman in charge’. There’s always a reason. It’s never the right woman. It’s never the right time. Aren’t you running out of excuses?

  Jack smiles.

  Jack Do me a favour. Try the scones. They’re not bad.

  He has said it tenderly but now he goes back to the house. Pauline stands alone for a moment. Then Sandy appears.

  Sandy How was that?

  Pauline Sticky.

  Sandy I was watching through my fingers.

  Pauline So was everyone else.

  They smile.

  I told him I’d joined.

  Sandy How did he take it?

  Pauline Badly.

  Sandy Well, that’s to be expected. And running?

  Pauline I told him I hadn’t decided.

  Sandy moves towards her.

  Oh, Sandy –

  Sandy Come on, he’s a shit, you know that.

  Pauline Maybe. But it’s possible I’m a shit too.

  She lights a second cigarette.

  Sandy What is it you say about Jack? ‘He’ll make you feel bad, he’s expert at it.’

  Pauline Yes. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.

  Sandy gestures towards the house.

  Sandy Come on, you need to go back.

  Pauline Can I just have a moment?

  Sandy If it isn’t too long.

  Pauline Can I tell you what happened this morning? Before I even set out?

  Sandy When was this?

  Pauline Five o’clock.

  Sandy You went out at five?

  Pauline I’d been lying in bed. I thought it’s a beautiful morning, I’m going to go out. I’m going to go for a walk.

  Sandy OK.

  Pauline moves across the lawn.

  Pauline There’s a patch of green I’m fond of, not far from the ponds, but above, some way above. You know that place?

  Sandy Uh-huh.

  Pauline You know it?

  Sandy I think so.

  Pauline You can look out, see the mist rise. You get the green, the silver, the green. In layers. Wreathed. I was sitting alone. I don’t have a mystical bone in my body. But nevertheless.

  Sandy The dawn.

  Pauline Yeah.

  Pauline nods, thinking.

  Anyway. A man comes running by, he’s all black Lycra, it looks like it’s sprayed on with bright yellow lines like fins on a car. His face is a rictus of pure pain, like Bell’s palsy. And his package is wobbling as he runs. He sees me sitting on the grass, and I swear to God he doesn’t know who I am. And as he goes past me he looks down, he doesn’t take off the earphones, he spits out the single word ‘disgusting’.

  Sandy He says ‘disgusting’?

  Pauline Then he’s worried I haven’t heard. So he says it again. ‘Disgusting.’

  Sandy Are you sure he didn’t recognise you?

  Pauline Sure.

  Sandy Why did he say that?

  Pauline holds up her cigarette, showing him.

  Oh, I see.

  Pauline In other words, he’s virtuous and I’m disgusting.

  Sandy Sure.

  Pauline Why is he virtuous? Clearly, because he’s jogging. This makes him a good person. Here’s a man who goes home and thinks, ‘The morning wasn’t wasted because I devoted thirty minutes to working hard, so I would become even more attractive in the world’s eyes and in my own. But also, more important, I came upon a woman I could call disgusting.’

  Sandy You mean: result?

  Pauline He went on his way, confirmed – i s that the word?

  Sandy Affirmed.

  Pauline Yeah. He’s happy. He’s in a good place. ‘I saw a woman this morning, and I told her she was offensive. Because she was smoking a cigarette.’

  Sandy smiles.

  What’s most interesting: I’d been sitting quietly, because two of the most beautiful brown doves had decided to get together just in front of me. In fact, they quite liked being watched, they were getting off on it, I could t
ell. They were kind of hopping on one leg and doing that sideways thing with their heads, like it’s just about to fall off, and giving off those little noises, and their ruffs were standing, and they were making me feel … oh! The world renews itself in the most glorious ways.

  She stops, thoughtful.

  That’s what I was feeling.

  Sandy Sure.

  Pauline And of course the jogger hadn’t even seen the birds. He hadn’t seen the trees, he hadn’t seen the mist, he hadn’t seen the sky, he hadn’t seen anything, because he was so busy working on himself. So, Sandy, there are two people in the park. One who sees things. And one who sees nothing. Which one of us is disgusting?

  She is quiet, as if still thinking it over. Sandy is impressed.

  Sandy Yeah.

  Pauline Yeah.

  Sandy Even so, you should think about giving up.

  They both smile.

  Sorry.

  Pauline Sorry for what?

  Sandy I have to do my job.

  Pauline OK.

  Sandy You can’t put it off any longer.

  Pauline Oh. I was hoping –

  Sandy No.

  Pauline looks to the house.

  Pauline I don’t want to go through that room.

  Sandy You have to.

  Pauline Why?

  Sandy You’re a politician, Pauline. It’s what politicians do. They go through the room.

  SCENE SIXTEEN

  The set-up is identical to Scene One. The bank of microphones. It’s a re-run. Sandy comes out as he did before. The crews and journalists are unseen.

  Sandy OK I’m going to make a quick statement, it’s going to be very short, and we’re not going to answer questions.

  Voice 1 Did you say ‘we’, Sandy? Is that a royal ‘we’, or is someone else joining you?

  Sandy If you just like to hold on a moment –

  Voice 2 Are you not answering questions like a couple of weeks ago, or this time are you really not answering?

  Sandy Look –

  Voice 3 Can we expect these occasions every day now, Sandy, because I’m going to need a new Oyster card?