Maybe it just depends on who you’re kissing. Aidan is so careful to walk the line of being respectful of my boundaries and pushing them at the same time. This time, I felt comfortable enough to remove my shirt. The open reverence in his eyes when he first saw my breasts was enough to make me feel like a supermodel. I’ve always been extremely conscious about my thin frame and small chest. But Aidan made it clear that he didn’t find any deficits in the way I looked. He took exquisite care to explore every inch of me with his lips and his hands. Soon we both were having trouble catching our breath.
I wondered if today would be the day we made love for the first time. Then Aidan got a call from the restaurant where he worked. Apparently, most of their service staff was out with the flu, and they needed Aidan to fill in immediately. I had mixed emotions about this. Part of me wanted to get this momentous first step over with, so that I could stop worrying about it. I was still afraid that I would freeze up and have a panic attack. I know Aidan would be patient and help me work through it, but I want to stop thinking about what I’ve lost and move on with my life.
He was so sweet about it though. He felt incredibly remorseful about leaving me in the lurch. I assured him it was not his fault, but he still sent me a bouquet of flowers later that day, with two words written on the card: ‘Rain check?’ For some reason, I was incredibly amused. For a man who specializes in writing prose, he was remarkably succinct.
I sent him a text message that said, “Name the time and place.” I even got brave and sent him a seductive selfie.
He immediately sent a text that said, “Next Friday night, 7:00 PM, my place.”
Since my last class on Friday is over at five o’clock, I would have plenty of time to get to Corvallis before seven.
Then he sent me a picture of himself cross-eyed, making a funny face. With the caption, “Woman, you must be trying to kill me. I might not make it that long.”
I responded, “I just didn’t want you to forget what I look like. That’s too far away for me too.”
My phone beeped immediately, “Gorgeous Gracie, there is no danger of me forgetting what you look like. I have memorized you. I see you every day in my dreams.”
I just about melted on the spot. I still can’t believe we are at this place. I’ve never been so happy.
Heather, Kiera, and I are having an impromptu meeting of the Girlfriend Posse at Heather’s food truck, because she’s in the middle of a huge wedding cake. She’s making endless rose petals out of sugar paste while we talk.
Kiera looks me over and nods her approval. “Is that what you’re planning to wear tonight?”
I look down at my clothes with concern as I reply, “Yes, I was planning to. Is this not okay?” I picked the linen jumpsuit with special care because it’s a great color on me and makes me feel positively girly.
“You look ravishing,” Heather responds. “Aidan’s gonna love it, but there may be some access problems.”
“Heather!” I exclaim, “Way to put it all out there.”
She just laughs. “Well, that is the plan for tonight, am I right?”
I blush scarlet red and answer tentatively, “Umm, I guess so. But it sounds so official, when I say it out loud. Do you all think I’m making a mistake?”
Kiera steps in as mediator, as she often does between Heather and I. “Well, I think you look stunning and, if it gets to that point, most guys I know like nothing better than a puzzle. Your choice of wardrobe will not stand in the way of a determined guy,” she remarks, with a large grin on her face.
“Why would you think you’re making a mistake? I thought you were totally gone for this guy.” Heather interjects. “By the way, did you ever tell him how you feel?”
“I did, in a roundabout way,” I confess. “Aidan was telling me how much I mean to him and how much he wants this to last forever. I took the chicken way out and just agreed with him. I should’ve said it more directly. But I’m so bad at all this.”
“I understand, sometimes it’s hard to find the words. But you really need to try. He can’t know what’s going on in your head unless you tell him,” Kiera advises. “Do you feel that you and Aidan are on the same page now?”
I nod, “I’m pretty sure we want the same things. But I’m just afraid of messing things up. I haven’t done this in a really long time and I haven’t had sex while sober since Warren. What if it doesn’t go well?”
Heather puts down the flower she’s working on and looks at me directly as she responds solemnly. “Tara, if he loves you like he says he does, there isn’t anything you can do to mess it up. If you have a setback, Aidan will be there to help you through it. If he can’t step up for you when you need him, you need to toss him to the curb.”
Kiera pats me on the shoulder as she says; “I think you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. If it happens between you today, then great. But if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Go over there and just have fun with Aidan. If a romantic moment presents itself, you’ll know what to do. I think you may be psyching yourself out too much.”
I sigh deeply as I concede, “You’re probably right.”
Heather grins at me as she teases, “Are you prepared?”
“Prepared?” I stare at her blankly.
She put her flower down and walks over to her purse. “Yes, prepared. Did you miss your personal health class?” Heather teases as she pulls a string of brightly colored condoms out of her bag and hands them to me.
I just about drop them when I see that they are flavored. “Seriously? Who thinks of these things?” I stammer.
“Guys!” Heather and Kiera say simultaneously.
“Hey, don’t knock them until you’ve tried them.” Kiera quips. “At least Heather saved you the embarrassment of getting your prophylactics from your dad. Jeff couldn’t look my dad straight in the eye for days after he pulled that. It was too funny.”
I chuckle at the memory of Kiera telling the story of when Denny left them a note condoning their relationship and announcing that he wasn’t ready for any more grandkids. I suppose they’re right, there are worse places to get sexual advice than from your best friends.
“Alrighty then, I’ll just take these and be on my way.” I retort as I stuff them in my purse. “Wish me luck.”
Heather smirks, “Oh, I don’t think there’s any luck involved—unless you count ‘getting lucky.’ Now go have some fun and stop stressing yourself out. I’ve heard that sex is a good stress reliever.”
“You guys are so bad,” I remark. “I’m going to get out of here before you embarrass me anymore. I may or may not have a story to share the next time you see me.”
“You better have stories because I live vicariously through you and Kiera,” Heather calls out as I walk toward my car.
As my GPS on the phone tells me I’ve arrived at Aidan’s house, my heart is pounding. I’m not sure if it’s anticipation or terror that’s making my pulse race. I don’t know why I feel like tonight is a make it or break it event for me, but I do. I take a few deep breaths to calm down. I try to tell myself this is just Aidan and it’s not a big deal. Yet, I feel like everything I’ve gone through since I was 14 is converging today. If I can move beyond this hurdle, I think I can move past anything. Maybe that’s the problem. What happens if I can’t?
I rest my head against my steering wheel as I take a few moments to calm down and collect myself. Suddenly, I hear a knock at my car window. The sound is enough to almost send me flying through the roof of my car. I turn to ascertain the source of the sound. I breathed a sigh of relief when I see Aidan’s smiling face. With one last deep breath, I open my car door. I hope Aidan doesn’t notice my hands are shaking.
“Come on, Gracie, let’s get you out of the rain; it’s cold out here,” Aidan says as he takes my hand, helps me out of the car, and brushes a kiss on my cheek. As we enter the house, I notice it’s a quaint little log cabin with an inviting fireplace in the living room. I’m impressed. I don’t kn
ow where I expected Aidan to live, but this wasn’t it. But, on the other hand, it totally fits his love of the outdoors and rock climbing.
“Nice digs,” I comment as I continue to look around. There are stunning nature photographs everywhere in the room. There’s also a portable piano set up in the corner. Aidan’s favorite guitar is propped up next to an old barstool.
“I’d like to take credit for it, but I’m just housesitting until my client’s son gets back from a year-long sabbatical in Ethiopia. He’s over there helping them build wells. But if I ever get to build a place, it’s going to look a lot like this,” Aidan explains. He keeps rubbing his hands on the side of his jeans. He used to do that all the time before piano recitals when he was younger. Aidan might be as nervous as I am.
“Are you okay, AJ?” I ask, as I watch him fumble with my coat while trying to hang it up.
“Yes… no,” Aidan replies as he shrugs helplessly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous, not even on a nationally televised TV show.”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so glad it’s not just me,” I breathe.
“No, Gracie, it’s not just you. I’ve been on pins and needles for days,” Aidan admits. “I just want you to have the perfect night.”
“Well, don’t worry about me,” I assure him. “I have fun every time I’m around you. I’m sure tonight will be no different.”
Aidan walks up to me and says, “I don’t know why, but today feels different to me.”
“I’m trying not to think about that. I want to relax and have fun.”
“Okay, I’ll put that on the agenda for sure,” Aidan quips. “In the meantime, would you like some dinner?”
“Of course. You know me, I’m always starving,” I reply. “But first I’d like to start the fun part of the night.” I’m wearing high heels, so I’m nearly as tall as Aidan. I thread my fingers through the hair on the back of his head and draw him close for a kiss. I kiss him deeply, enjoying the textures of him.
At first, Aidan is on board with my exploration, but then he pulls back and groans. “Tara, if we continue down this road, there won’t be any dinner,” he admits with a shaky voice as he exhales roughly. “I need to feed you before we get distracted.”
“If you must,” I pout. I can’t keep a teasing grin off my face.
“Indeed, I must,” Aidan retorts. “If you’re going to faint, I want it to be from wanton desire, not because you forgot to eat.”
“How did you know I skipped lunch today?” I ask.
“Well, I didn’t know for sure you skipped lunch, but I figured you might’ve since Friday’s are a busy day for you,” Aidan responds. “You need to take better care of yourself. We have to keep up with junior high school kids this weekend. You’re going to need all the strength you can muster. Did you bring your bags? Please tell me you’re going to spend the night, since we’ll have to be up at the crack of dawn.”
“I did bring my duffel bag.” I state, laughing at the wistful expression on his face. “I just left it in the car.”
“What?” Aidan protests. “Do you have something against sexy slumber parties?”
“Not in principle,” I tease. “But I’ve never actually been on one before.”
“Well, I have a treat for you. I even have s’mores by candlelight planned. Just let me get your bags before we get distracted again.”
As he turns to leave, he kicks over my purse that’s sitting on the floor beside the couch. Much to my mortification, those brightly colored gifts from Heather fall out.
I gasp in horror and hurry to pick them up. But Aidan is faster than me and has longer arms. So, he reaches them first. He raises an eyebrow at me and carefully examines the contents before saying, “I see you got cherry and grape.”
I blush bright red. “Oh, those were not my idea. Heather gave those to me, as a gag gift.”
“So, you’re saying I shouldn’t read anything into this?” Aidan teases. “Your best friend gave you lollipop flavored condoms for no reason at all?”
I bury my head in the cleft between his neck and shoulder and mumble, “Okay, so I may have over-shared. I told you I was really nervous about tonight, and my friends thought they could help me calm down.”
“I want friends like that!” Aidan exclaims. “They sound like a blast.”
“Well, if you stick with me, they will be your friends. Kiera and her dad have a habit of taking you in and making you feel like family, while Heather likes pretty much everybody. She’s so funny, she could be a standup comedian.”
“I noticed that at the wedding.” Aidan agrees. “She has a gift for saying the outrageous. But I don’t think she was that far off base with her present. I think we’re definitely headed in that direction. Don’t you?”
Of all the scenarios I had played out in my head, this was not even remotely close to what I thought might happen. It was shortsighted of me, given Aidan’s propensity to push boundaries and his overwhelming curiosity. I had hoped that maybe we could slowly ease our way into lovemaking without having to talk about it first. This approach is probably better; I just have to summon up the nerve to be honest.
So I take the plunge and answer his question. “Yes, we are definitely headed in that direction. I can’t make any promises, but that’s where I’d like us to go,” I admit. I am pretty proud of myself for being able to admit it out loud. I’ve spent a lifetime isolated and keeping to myself. To admit that I need or want someone is a big deal.
True to form, Aidan wants more information as he pushes, “But why now? I don’t want you to feel like you need to do something you’re not prepared for, just because I’d like to go further. I love you enough to wait, however long it takes for you to be comfortable.”
Oh wow! It’s clear that I’m going to have to lay all my cards on the table for Aidan to understand how far I’ve really come. Kiera’s advice about him not being able to read my mind unless I tell him what’s really going on rings loud in my head.
“Aidan, I don’t think you understand,” I begin to explain. “I want to be here with you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I love you enough to let you into my closed off cocooned world. You once told me that you wanted to break me out of my cocoon one strand at a time. The reason I’m here tonight is because you’ve successfully done that. I’m not the same person I was a few months ago.”
An expression of awe crosses Aidan’s face as he processes what I’ve just said. “I don’t want to make any assumptions,” he murmurs as he crushes me into a hug. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
At this point, tears well in the corner of my eyes and I can’t seem to control them as I reply. “Yes, you heard correctly. Aidan Jarith O’Brien, I am in love with you.”
Aidan pulls away so he can study my face. “Gracie, why are you crying? This is the happiest news I’ve gotten in years. Why does it make you sad?”
“Aidan, these are happy tears. I’m not sad. In fact, I’m beside myself with happiness and relief,” I explain.
Aidan being Aidan, he caught the one odd word. “Relief? Why do you feel relieved?” he asks with puzzlement in his voice. He cups the side of my face with his hand and wipes my tears away.
I draw in a shuddering breath. “For so many years, I didn’t dare dream I would ever be happy again. I was so lonely. I had to focus all my energy on keeping my abject fear at bay and pretending to feel normal. It was exhausting.”
“Tara, I am so sorry,” Aidan murmurs. “If I could go back in time and stay part of your life, I would in a heartbeat.”
“I know you would,” I assure him. “That’s where the relief comes in. Being with you reminds me what real life is supposed to be like. Loving you has given me freedom. Freedom to live and to dream. I’m dreaming of a future and for once, it doesn’t terrify me.”
“Gracie, I dream of our future every day,” Aidan says with a gentle smile. “You’ve given me freedom too. Because you love me, I have the freedom to stand up for what I believe in,
even if it costs me my dream. It doesn’t matter if the whole world sees me as a failure, because you will always be on my side.”
“Of course I will. There’s nowhere I’d rather be. Someday we’ll be in a retirement home, and I’ll be teaching everyone to dance while you serenade them with all the oldies,” I tease.
Much to my surprise, Aidan doesn’t dissolve into laughter at my silly vision of the future. Instead, he leans in to give me an excruciatingly tender kiss. “That will be beautiful. I will have the most stunning wife in the whole place.”
“Oh, you don’t know that,” I protest. “I could be as wrinkled as a raisin and as deaf as you.”
Aidan chuckles. “Well, luckily for us, we both know sign language. It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, you’ll always be beautiful to me. But I think traveling around in a big Airstream trailer and seeing all the sites will be more our speed. I can see you racing down the beach while I ogle your shapely bum. Of course, I’ll be bald with a paunch by then, and I’ll never be able to keep up with you.”
I giggle as I joke, “Oh, I’ll wait for you, slowpoke. After all, if we’ve been running all these years, I’ll be totally used to it.”
Aidan grins at me. “I should put your smart mouth to better use. Let me feed you as promised. Would you like steak or a salmon fillet?”
“You actually know how to cook that? I’m impressed.”
Aidan shrugs nonchalantly. “Don’t be too impressed, I’m just throwing them on the grill.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I should’ve warned you what a truly terrible cook I am, before you fell in love with me.”
“Don’t sweat it, Tara. I can live on Top Ramen if I need to. In fact, sometimes I do just for economic reasons.”
“I don’t think you understand how kitchen challenged I am. I routinely burn Top Ramen.”
The look of astonishment on Aidan's face is hysterical. But he quickly pulls himself together and says, “Wow! That takes some special kind of talent. I didn’t think it was possible to burn it.”
So the Heart Can Dance (A Hidden Beauty Novel Book 2) Page 28
