“Trust me, I have smoke damage on the ceiling to prove it,” I answer.
“Well, I guess when we’re divvying up household chores, I’ll be the one in charge of cooking. Unfortunately, that might mean you’re relegated to scrubbing toilets.” Aidan says with a smug smile.
I stick my tongue out at him. “Interesting plan, but you might want to rethink that strategy. It might be to your benefit to reward me for not cooking.”
“Point taken. I’ll see what I can do about teaching you to cook so we can share duties. For now, though, do you think you can handle tossing salad while I do the grilling?”
“I don’t know…are there knives involved?” I retort smartly.
“No, there don’t have to be. You can tear the lettuce apart with your hands. In fact, that makes for a crispier salad,” he informs me.
“Why would that make a difference?” I’m sure I look very confused.
“Because the knife can bruise the lettuce,” he explains. “Stick with me, kid, and eventually you’ll be a master in the kitchen.”
With that boast, he takes me by the hand and leads me to the kitchen.
After a delicious dinner, we go into the living room and sit in front of the fireplace to play Scrabble. Aidan plays Scrabble differently than anyone I’ve ever seen. He makes up of all sorts of random rules like all the words have to rhyme or you can only use nouns or verbs. It takes forever to play the round when he decides that we can only use words that name body parts. By the time we are done, my side aches from laughing so hard.
All of a sudden, a pillow hits me in the shoulder. “Aidan, did you just throw a pillow at me?” I ask through a fit of giggles.
“Yes ma’am, I did. I have pretty good aim, too,” he brags.
“I’m not sure I want to know, but why did you throw a pillow at me?” I inquire, as I pick it up off the floor and toss it back at him.
“Now you’re getting into the spirit of things,” Aidan answers. “It can’t be a proper slumber party without a pillow fight.”
“I’m new to the world of slumber parties, but I think we’re both supposed to have pillows for this to work,” I reply, still baffled.
Aidan lobs the pillow back to me with a gentle toss. Then, from behind his back, he pulls out another pillow. “ Now we’re evenly armed,” he announces.
The smug look on his face brings out my competitive juices. There’s something hardwired in me that makes me unable to turn down even the silliest of challenges. That tendency got me into a lot of trouble at the martial arts studio. However, I think I’m pretty safe here.
“You should come here and kiss me to prove there are no hard feelings.”
Aidan’s face lights up at the prospect of kissing me, so he drops his pillow and walks over to comply with my request. He is so focused on my mouth that he fails to notice that instead of dropping the pillow, I have put it behind my back. As he kisses me lightly on the lips, I pull the pillow from behind my back and bop him on the top of the head. “Gotcha!” I exclaim, then spin around and start to run.
Aidan backs up to retrieve the pillow he had dropped and says, “I’ve got to hand it to you, Gracie. I didn’t think you were capable of cheating.”
“Cheating? Who me? I thought that all was fair in love and war,” I tease.
“Oh, are we going to play by those rules?” Aidan asks ominously. “You better prepare yourself Gracie.”
“I think you forgot that I had been your friend for a really long time and I know your weaknesses,” I threaten as I stick my tongue out at him. However, I’m not taking any chances, so I take off at a dead sprint around the kitchen island. Unfortunately, I forgot that I took off my shoes when we were playing Scrabble. So, when the long pants legs of my jumpsuit hit the wood floor, I went sprawling.
“Uh-huh, Who is at a disadvantage now?” Aidan jokes as he catches me in his arms before I hit the floor.
“Please don’t torture me!” I plead as I try to catch my breath. “I’m so sorry I cheated,” I say as I’m trying not to giggle.
Aidan spins me around in his arms and states, “I think I can put your body to better use.”
“Really? Because I was kind of having fun,” I remark with a wink.
“I think what I have planned might be more fun,” Aidan suggests as he slowly peruses my body with his eyes.
“I don’t know about that. I guess it depends on your plan,” I tease.
“How about this?” he asks as he leans his head down to kiss me.
When I pull away, I reply, “I could be on board with this plan.”
I no sooner say the words than Aidan scoops me up in his arms and carries me to his bedroom and sets me in the middle of his bed. I am surprised to see books on nearly every surface. Old books, new books, fiction, and nonfiction. They all seem to be bookmarked and dog-eared. At my look of curiosity, Aidan merely shrugs and explains, “I said school wasn’t my thing; I never said I didn’t like to learn.”
“You always acted like you hated it when we were kids,” I reply needing to fill the electric atmosphere with chatter.
“I was embarrassed because you were so much better than I was,” he clarifies. “So, I played school off as a joke so you wouldn’t know how much I struggled.”
I strive to understand as I ask, “Why did you always know the answer if the teacher asked a question?”
“Once I learn something, I pretty much remember it indefinitely.”
“Wow, that’s cool. That skill must help with songwriting.”
“Mm-hmm,” he responds noncommittally. “Can we talk about something else like how beautiful you are?”
I smile shyly as I confide, “I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to you talking about how beautiful I am.”
“Well, you should just get used to it because I plan to tell you that every day, forever so that your heart can dance.”
I feel my eyes misting over because he just summed up exactly what I feel. “Aidan, you’ve just summed up our relationship perfectly. You have brought joy back into my life so that my heart can dance. You always did that for me even when we were kids. But now that I’ve fallen in love with you, I can’t imagine life without you,” I admit with a tearful smile.
Aidan pulls his shirt over his head and shimmies his jeans off and kicks them aside unceremoniously. He climbs up in bed with me and starts to unbutton the tiny buttons down the front of my jumpsuit. He smirks when he realizes that they’re merely decorative. “Okay Houdini, what’s your secret?” I roll up onto my side and show him the hidden zipper. “I’m sure glad you decided to share or we would’ve been here all day waiting for me to discover that.”
I jump when Aidan’s long fingers brush the edge of my breast as he unzips my jumpsuit. I didn’t wear a bra today because the jumpsuit is so structured. Now, I wonder if I’ve made a tactical error. I seem awfully eager—like I’m almost begging for this. But in a way I am. This is so confusing, even for me. I can’t imagine what it’s like for Aidan to try to read my mind. I try to breathe through my jitters.
Finally, I feel the zipper come to a stop. I let out a shaky breath as Aidan parts the fabric and traces my ribs with soft kisses. But the urge to giggle like a kid soon overtakes me. Aidan glances up at me with a startled gaze. His mouth quirks up in a crooked grin as he observes, “It looks like I’m not the only one who has a terminal case of ticklishness.”
“I don’t remember being so ticklish,” I confess shyly.
Aidan grins at me as he says, “I’ll be nice to you if you’re nice to me. Deal?”
Wide-eyed, I mutely nod my agreement.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Aidan whispers as he kisses me thoroughly. “How am I doing?”
I’m confused by his question. “What do you mean?”
“I promised to be nice to you. Did you think that was ‘nice’?”
I blush because I missed his implication the first time. “Yes! It was very nice,” I stammer. “I enjoyed it very much.”<
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“I’m glad to hear that Tara,” Aidan murmurs as he kisses me again. “Because, I'm having fun. Sometimes it pays to be the nice guy,” he jokes as he captures my lips and gently nibbles on my bottom lip.
My hips surge upward like they have a mind of their own and I suck Aidan’s tongue into my mouth. I stroke it lightly with my own. I smile coyly as I pull back and whisper huskily, “See, I can be ‘nice’ too.” I wink as I flick my tongue out and lick his bottom lip.
Aidan groans harshly and grinds his hips into mine as he lets out a ragged breath in my neck. I freeze as the blood in my face drains out so quickly that I feel faint. I can’t even breathe. My body starts to shake so violently that my teeth rattle.
Aidan’s expression turns to a concerned frown as he pulls me into a sitting position and links just his index finger with mine. He snags a bottle of red liquid from the dorm-fridge beside the bed. I wrinkle my nose when I see it. “Is that your crappy so-called-healthy-Kool-Aid?” I ask with disgust.
He raises an eyebrow at me as he patiently answers, “I might not be all heroic like Jeff, but I recognize the symptoms of shock. It may not be your favorite, but you need to drink this PowerAde.”
I try to affect a pouty face, but it’s not very effective since my teeth are chattering like some demented dime store toy.
“Drink,” Aidan commands, holding the bottle up to my lips.
“Fine,” I answer, trying to sound sarcastic; instead I just sound breathless. “Since when did you become Mr. Bossy-Pants?” I take a few sips and I’m surprised to find that it tastes much better cold.
“If it involves your well being, I’ll be as tough as I need to be,” Aidan responds without hesitation. “I love you and it’s my job to help keep you safe. Now, do you want to tell me what happened a second ago?”
I bury my head in my hands as I mumble, “I’d rather not; it’s stupid and embarrassing. It’s not at all how I wanted today to go. I had a whole different day planned. Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I was having a really good time making out with you.” I start to breathe faster and tears start running out of the corners of my eyes. I am shaking like a drenched Chihuahua puppy.
Aidan gently pulls my hands away from my face and weaves his fingers through mine. He holds my hands loosely between us on the bed as he massages my wrists with his thumbs. We are sitting Indian style facing each other. “Tara, look at me and do what I do,” he instructs softly with his deep, soothing voice.
Immediately, my eyes shoot to his gaze as if I’m being hypnotized by a master magician. When he takes a breath in through his nose and blows it out from his mouth, I do the same. Then, he slowly repeats his actions again for a third and then a fourth and then a fifth time. Pretty soon, I notice that my breathing has slowed down significantly and I can catch a breath on my own without having to mimic Aidan and my shoulders don’t feel as heavy. I can finally meet his gaze steadily.
“Aidan, I’m so sorry. I love you and I don’t know why it all went off the rails. Maybe I was never meant to fall in love. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone for my whole life. I suppose this is my punishment for secretly being mad at my mom for all the hell she put me through when I was little or maybe it’s because I acted like a whore after my life was destroyed,” I respond dejectedly. Nothing that Aidan could ever say to me was worse than I was feeling about myself.
Aidan visibly flinches at my words, “Gracie, you have to stop,” he growls, his eyes misting over. “I love you too much to allow you to treat yourself that way. Would you say any of that stuff to any of the women you met in your support group?”
“Of course not!” I exclaim in outrage. “Who would do that? I’m not barbaric.”
“Well, apparently you would,” he answers somberly as he looks me directly in the eyes. “Because that’s exactly what you’ve been doing to yourself. Are you different from the other rape survivors in your group? Do you use different survival techniques than countless other rape survivors do, every minute of every day across the world?” Aidan asks softly.
“No,” I whisper roughly. “But I should have been stronger. I was an elite athlete.”
“You were a 14-year-old girl going through something no one of any age should have to go through. Let alone a girl with no father and a mother who was as good as gone,” he argues. “You were dealt the worst of all unfair hands. The surprise isn’t that you made a few missteps, it’s that your life doesn’t look like a pinball machine chockfull of them. Tara, you have no idea how remarkable it is that you’ve risen above what happened to you.”
“But I ruined our time together, yet again,” I insist.
Aidan sighs as he kisses the backs of my hands and murmurs, “Gracie, I consider it a miracle that we found each other again. Every moment that we spend together is precious to me. Maybe you don’t remember, but you’ve seen me through some pretty hairy times, too. There were times that my mouth got ahead of my ability to defend myself and you were the one to patch me up. You never complained about it. I often tricked you into reading things out loud for me because it was easier for me to process the information. You did that willingly, even though you had your own studying to do. That’s what friends do for each other. When someone is having a rough time, the other friend steps up. Whatever this turns out to be, we were friends first. I’m not ever going to judge you. The bastard that did this to you? Oh, hell yes! But you? Never in a million years. No matter how much blame you pile on yourself, this was never your fault.”
“I could have done things differently—” I sputter in one last attempt to shoulder the blame. I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to show him I’m not the sweet little girl he once knew. I thought I had worked through most of this in counseling. But it’s rearing its ugly head anyway. Maybe I’m trying to prove to him that I’m not worth his generosity and grace. Or I’m setting up a test he can’t pass. During my counseling, I learned that this can be a common reaction among survivors.
A brief scowl passes over Aidan’s face. “There isn’t a single decision we make in any given day, from the way we put on our socks, to the breakfast cereal we choose to have, to the way we order our coffee, that we couldn’t do differently. I hate to deflate your argument, Gracie, but that’s not going to hold enough air to blow up a balloon. So, do you mind telling me why you’re trying to piss me off?”
“I don’t know,” I confess. “I wonder if I’m worth your time, I guess. Maybe I’m just too screwed up for you to even bother with. Maybe you’re just too good for me. You deserve better. You’re on the edge of this great music career and you don’t need to be held back by an emotional cripple like me.” I didn’t even realize I was crying, but now I feel big fat tears splashing down on my forearms.
Aidan’s body turns rigid as his eyes flash brightly. “Dammit, I must not be communicating clearly here,” he snaps. “You still don’t get it! None of this means anything if I don’t have you in my life. I’d just as soon be making French fries in the back of the house 12 hours a day, if I don’t get to keep you. The top of the Billboard charts means nothing if I lose you.” He drags his fingers through his hair, nearly tearing it out of his scalp. “I thought you knew that,” he whispers with a defeated sigh. His shoulders are slumped and he’s randomly tracing the stitching on the quilt with his fingers as if it could play a melody.
Instinctively, I launch myself at his chest and loop my arms around his neck. I plant a soft kiss on his lips and murmur, “Of course I know, AJ! I’ve always known. I’m just so scared. What if this is all there ever is, between us? What if I can’t get better? What if I always nearly hit the ceiling when you come up quietly behind me? What if you get frustrated because you have desires I can’t meet?” I ask, not wanting to know the answer.
Aidan gathers me in a warm hug and gently returns my kiss before carefully returning us to our previous positions and linking the index fingers on our left hands in our traditional gesture of friendship. It’s an unconscious gesture of comfort for h
im. He strokes my cheek with his right hand as he confesses softly, “Tara, do you think you’re the only one who’s terrified? I’ve been afraid since the moment we met, again, that you would discover that I need you way more than you will ever need me, and behind all my smiles and jokes I’m pretty much a shy, geeky guy with hardly any true friends but you. One day I’m afraid that you’re going to decide you want someone more accomplished and educated, or someone at least that isn’t spinning his wheels chasing some far-away dream. You’re going to want somebody who doesn’t think Tom and Jerry cartoons are hysterically funny and Cap’n Crunch is a perfect breakfast. The honest truth is, I may never be that guy. Knock-Knock jokes still crack me up and probably will ’til the day I die. I’m just built that way. I’m the one wondering if I’m good enough for a classy, exquisite woman like you,” Aidan explains with a quirky smile.
I answer his smile with a sloppy, crooked smile of my own. “It seems that we’ve come to a few mutual misunderstandings. Your quirkiness and over the top sense of humor are some of the things I like best about you. They balance my tendency to be far too serious and focused. You give me permission to laugh at myself and the world around me. If you hadn’t done that for me when I was little, I would have been crushed under the weight of my sadness, fears, and responsibilities. Even now, you’ve given me the ability to look at my circumstances in a whole new light and remember what it’s like to be strong.”
Aidan lets out a low wolf whistle as he jests, “Wow! You make me sound like I was doing something valuable with my life instead of just being the class clown.”
“AJ, that’s exactly what I’m trying to say. So stop trying to brush it off as a joke. I’m being serious. You were a very big part of why I went to class every single day, even if I stayed up all night taking care of my mom. Without you, I don’t even know if I could’ve made it. I was so sad about my dad dying that some days, seeing your face was the only reason I got out of bed for weeks on end. I was in love with you for a very long time before I even knew it.”
“So, when did you know?” Aidan probes.
So the Heart Can Dance (A Hidden Beauty Novel Book 2) Page 29
