The Indoor Pirates

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘Raaargh!’ snarled Ben, suddenly leaping overboard. The children screamed and scattered like frightened shrimps, while Ben seized the surprised park-keeper, tucked him under his arm and returned to the ship.

  ‘Well done!’ whooped Captain Blackpatch. ‘Our first prisoner. Tie him to the gangplank over there!’ And he jabbed a finger towards the slide. Bald Ben carried the struggling park-keeper to the top of the slide and tied him firmly to the railings. (Lumpy Lawson had whipped his hat and was proudly wearing it.) The poor park-keeper shouted at the children, pleading to be rescued, but the children had better things to do. The Great Treasure Hunt had started.

  All over the park excited children were rushing about, finding Easter eggs. They were hidden under bushes. They were taped to tree branches, and the children gathered them from their hiding-places, clutching the shiny foil-wrapped eggs in their arms. Polly gave another excited yell.

  ‘I spy treasure!’ she cried, her round eyes fixed on the shiny eggs. ‘I spy huge jewels and masses of them!’

  The Indoor Pirates were astonished. Never had they seen such wonderful rubies and sapphires and emeralds! ‘Ha! We're going to be rich after all!’ yelled Blackpatch, drawing his sword. ‘Raiding party – follow me!’

  Round the park went the pirates, poking and prodding with their swords and gathering jewels wherever they went. The children ran off crying and the pirates ran off with their arms bulging with booty. They went back to the ship and piled up their treasures. They sat round the heap and picked up the jewels one by one.

  ‘My ruby is worth a trillion pounds,’ sighed Polly.

  ‘My emerald is worth more than the Bank of England,’ Molly claimed.

  ‘And mine is worth more than all the banks in the world,’ said Polly.

  Molly glanced mischievously at her sister. ‘Mine is worth the most,’ she said, ‘because I've got yours!’ Molly made a sudden grab for Polly's ruby egg. ‘Oh!’ they both cried, as the jewel crumbled into little pieces. Bits of chocolate tumbled out from the split foil wrapper.

  For a few moments, the pirates stared at the broken jewel, then all at once they began scrummaging through their treasures. ‘They're all the same!’ roared Captain Blackpatch. ‘We've been diddled. These aren't jewels – they're chocolate eggs!’

  Lumpy Lawson stuck a piece in his mouth and sucked on it happily. ‘Oh well, it could be worse,’ he pointed out, and he was right, because at that very moment a tidal wave of furious children swept over them.

  The robbed children had gone off to find the park-keeper again and when they found him tied to the top of the slide, they quickly released him. Now they were on the war-path. Fifty-seven children, a large, red (hat-less) park-keeper, three dogs and a pony (which had run away from giving pony rides) rushed up and threw themselves upon the pirates.

  ‘Give us back our eggs!’

  ‘Down with the pirates!’

  It was the biggest, noisiest, biff-and-bammiest fight that the park had ever seen, and the pirates got by far the worst of it.

  ‘Ouch!’ (That was Bald Ben.)

  ‘Eeeek!’ (That was Polly.)

  ‘I said Eeeek first!’ (That was Molly.)

  ‘Bumbleflip!’ (That was Lumpy Lawson.)

  Dust and grass flew everywhere. Arms whirled round, mostly with fists on them. Legs scrabbled in the dirt. Easter eggs came whizzing out from the middle of this human hurricane, and so did several lumpy sardine sandwiches and a park-keeper's hat, much to everyone's surprise.

  At last, all the heaving and wriggling and shouting stopped. The children gathered up their rather battered eggs and marched away happily. The park-keeper went off to try and get all the dents out of his hat, and that just left the Indoor Pirates, somewhere inside an enormous cloud of dust.

  The dust slowly settled and there they were, all tied up in one big heap. ‘I want to go home,’ sniffed Ben. Captain Blackpatch was wondering why it had got dark so early. (Someone had rammed his hat down over his eyes.)

  They sat there for a very long time, until at last the Captain realized that nobody was going to come and untie them. After several efforts, they managed to stand up. They set off for home, waddling up the road like some weird ten-legged beastie from the bottom of the sea. Blackpatch couldn't see where he was going.

  ‘This way!’ cried Polly.

  ‘THIS way!’ yelled Molly.

  ‘Stop tugging!’

  ‘I'm not tugging, I'm clugging,’ said Molly.

  ‘There's no such thing as clugging!’

  ‘Yes, there is. It's what you do when

  you're not tugging.’ Molly gave such a tug against her sister that all five of them fell over and began rolling across the grass.

  ‘This is ridiculous!’ roared Captain Blackpatch. ‘What's going on? Where are we? I've just about had enough of you twins! Splurrgh!’ He spat a large clump of grass from his mouth and the pirates rolled merrily on. It was a miracle that they got back home at all.

  4 A Few House Alterations

  The twins were arguing AGAIN, busily hitting each other with their pillows. ‘You always have the top bunk,’ snarled Polly.

  ‘No, I don't!’ shouted Molly, giving her sister such a slosh round the head that her

  pillow burst and the room was filled with tiny white feathers. ‘You've had the top bunk all this week.’

  ‘And you had it all last month!’ Polly cried.

  ‘Well, you had it all last year – and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that…’

  ‘You had it last all century!’ screamed Polly, trying to smother her sister's face with her pillow. ‘You had it before we were even born!’

  ‘Stop – STOP!’ thundered the Captain, ‘before I make you both walk the plank. I won't have any more of this. I can't bear it any longer.’

  Bald Ben waved a thick hairy arm in the air. (Luckily it was his.) ‘I've got a good idea.’ The other pirates stopped in their tracks and stared at him. Bald Ben had an idea? Ben never had ideas. Ben was kind, Ben was strong and Ben was helpful – but he didn't have ideas.

  Ben grinned back at the others. ‘Why don't we take the bunk-beds apart? We could put one bed on each side of the bedroom and then there won't be any bunks to argue about.’

  Captain Blackpatch was impressed. ‘You're a clever lad, Ben, have one of my fruit gums. Take a yellow one, I don't like them.’

  Everybody went upstairs and watched while Ben did all the lifting himself, even though it made his face look like boiled beetroot. The beds were separated and put on either side of the little room.

  ‘There,’ said the Captain. ‘Let's see you quarrel about that.’

  Polly threw herself triumphantly on one of the beds. ‘This is mine!’ she cried, daring Molly to say that it wasn't. Molly smiled sweetly and sauntered across to the other bed.

  ‘This is mine,’ she agreed, and the Indoor Pirates smiled with relief. ‘Because it's better than Polly's bed and it's the best bed in the whole world!’

  Polly was on her feet in an instant, eyes blazing. ‘Mine's the best bed in the galaxy – no, in the universe!’ Blackpatch almost exploded. His eyes became narrow, furious slits. His mouth turned into such a snarl that all his teeth could be seen, glinting like daggers. He drew his sword and was advancing menacingly on the twins, when Bald Ben waved his hairy arm again.

  ‘I've had another idea!’ he shouted. The pirates groaned. This was almost becoming a habit. ‘Let's put one of the beds downstairs, then Polly and Molly won't be able to see each other at night.’

  ‘Excellent idea, Ben,’ said Captain Blackpatch. ‘Have another yellow fruit gum.’

  Unfortunately, try as they might, the Indoor Pirates could not get Polly's bed out through the door. They even tried the window, but that was unsuccessful too. Eventually they gave up and the Captain stomped off in a huff, complaining that the real problem was that their house was too small. ‘Three bedrooms aren't enough,’ he grumbled.

  ‘You've
got a room all of your own,’ said Lumpy peevishly. ‘We all have to share. You're the only one with a room of your own.’

  Captain Blackpatch turned very red and quickly changed the subject. ‘We are about to have our electricity cut off. Do you understand how serious that is? What we need is treasure. If we had treasure we could pay our electricity bill and…’ Blackpatch grinned craftily. ‘We could buy a bigger house, with five bedrooms.’

  The other pirates liked the sound of this new house, but treasure was difficult to find. It wasn't the sort of thing that was just left lying around, and that was why Lumpy Lawson was so surprised when he discovered a treasure map in the kitchen cupboard. He had been looking for something useful, like chocolate biscuits, when he found the map stuck to the bottom of the marmalade jar.

  (Actually, it wasn't a map at all. Long before the Indoor Pirates had moved into Number 25, Great-granny Blackpatch had needed a new front gate. She had written down the measurements on a scrap of paper: 75 centimetres wide, 90 centimetres high and 5 centimetres deep.)

  ‘Look – a treasure map!’ shouted Lumpy, and he carefully spread the map on the

  kitchen table. The other pirates wrinkled their noses and wondered what it all meant.

  Captain Blackpatch tugged hard at his beard, his eyebrows knitting together in a fierce frown. ‘It's directions,’ he growled. ‘It means start at the gate.’ The pirates crowded round excitedly. A real treasure map! Their eyes grew shiny and their mouths fell open, which was a little unfortunate because Bald Ben began to dribble. (He nearly always dribbled when he thought about gold and jewels and coins.)

  ‘What's 75 W?’ asked Polly.

  ‘Don't you know?’ Molly sneered.

  ‘Tell us, then,’ Polly dared her sister.

  ‘It means… woodlice!’ cried Molly, saying the first thing she could think of that began with a ‘w’.

  ‘Seventy-five woodlice!’ snarled Captain Blackpatch. ‘What kind of treasure is that? It's W for West. That's what it means. 75 West.’

  ‘What about 90 h?’ asked Ben.

  ‘It's not an ‘h’, it's an ‘n’ for North. 90 North, said Captain Blackpatch, ‘and then it's 5 down. Start at the gate, 75 paces West, 90 paces North and dig down 5 paces. Come on – let's go!’

  The pirates took the instructions for a front gate, grabbed some spades and shovels and rushed out to the front garden. ‘This way!’ cried Blackpatch, consulting his compass. The pirates tramped across the garden, climbed in through their own window and marched West across the front room. Then they went North through to the kitchen, still counting, into the back garden, over the wall and into Mrs Bishop's beautiful garden next door.

  ‘88, 89, 90!’ cried the Captain, standing in the middle of a rather splendid flowerbed. ‘Start digging.’

  Plants and mud and garden gnomes began flying everywhere. The hole got deeper and deeper and Mrs Bishop's flowers flew higher and higher as the pirates dug up every single one. ‘Anybody found anything?’ asked the Captain impatiently.

  ‘I've got some worms,’ said Molly.

  ‘I've got more worms than you,’ Polly muttered.

  ‘I've got an old shoe,’ cried Bald Ben. ‘Oh, it's mine!’

  ‘I've got backache,’ grumbled Lumpy.

  At that moment, a terrible scream came from the house and Mrs Bishop came rushing out on her walking-frame as fast as she could manage. ‘Aargh! What are you doing to my wonderful garden? You stupid, stupid pirates! Get out at once!’ She was so angry she seized her walking-frame and hurled it at the rapidly retreating pirates.

  ‘Ouch!’ cried Bald Ben as it bounced off his bottom.

  The pirates scrambled back over the wall, rushed inside, locked the back-door and pulled the curtains. ‘Phew,’ sighed Lumpy. ‘That was a narrow escape.’

  ‘Not for me it wasn't,’ muttered Ben, rubbing his rear. The Captain was reexamining the crumpled map.

  ‘I don't think we counted right,’ he said, ‘It can't mean paces. It must mean feet. Come on, back to the gate.’

  The pirates tramped outside and started again, even though it was beginning to get dark. The Captain carefully counted every step. ‘88, 89, 90. Now, dig.’ The Indoor Pirates eyed their great leader.

  ‘But, Captain, we're in the middle of our own back room.’

  ‘So is the treasure then!’ cried Blackpatch. ‘Dig!’

  They set to right away. Out of the window went the furniture. Up came the carpet and the floor-boards. The pirates began digging and very shortly there was a deep hole and an ever-increasing pile of rubble all round the edge.

  ‘I've hit something!’ cried Lumpy Lawson. ‘Look!’

  Captain Blackpatch scrambled down into the hole and brushed dirt away from the object, until he revealed a large, black, metal box. A breathless silence filled the small room. ‘Look lads’ whispered the Captain, his eyes shining like diamonds. ‘It's the treasure. We've found the treasure. Our troubles are over! Hand me that pickaxe, Molly, and let's see what's in store for us!’

  Blackpatch seized the pickaxe, raised it high above his head and brought it smashing down on the big black treasure chest.

  What an explosion! Enormous crackling sparks sizzled and spat from the box. The Indoor Pirates were hurled into the air, where they bounced off the ceiling before crashing back down into the hole, one on top of the other. Bricks and plaster, dust and floor-boards and shreds of carpet roared around the room in a violent whirlwind, clattering and battering at the poor pirates.

  Great cracks shot up the walls and went zigzagging across the ceiling. They splintered in every direction, split open and widened. Then, just as the pirates were thinking that the world had come to an end, a great, gaping hole opened in the ceiling and Polly's bed fell through and landed on their heads.

  ‘OW!’ yelled all five at once, before collapsing back at the bottom of the smoking pit.

  All along Dolphin Street the neighbours came rushing out of their houses to see why all their lights, all the street lights and half the town's lights had suddenly gone out. They looked across at Number 25.

  The windows had burst from their frames. The front door was hanging on one hinge. The chimney-pot (along with a very tattered skull-and-crossbones) had been hurled high into the sky before smashing into smithereens on the road below. Tiles slid slowly down the roof, sliced through the air and then crashed into the gardens, front and back.

  Deep inside Number 25 the big black box smouldered, and black, choking smoke poured from the broken casing. Molly poked it with a grimy foot. ‘That's not a treasure chest,’ she coughed angrily. ‘That was an electricity junction box and we've just cut off our own electricity.’

  ‘Yes, it is, and we have,’ nodded Polly and the twins stared in horror at each other. They had actually agreed on something!

  Bald Ben sniffed loudly. ‘I don't like it when it's dark,’ he moaned. ‘It's scary and I've got a nasty bang on my head where Polly's bed fell on me and a bruise on my bottom and there's something sharp sticking in my back and I'm probably going to die.’

  Lumpy Lawson crawled across to his friend. ‘Lean forward so that I can see,’ he said, peering at Ben's back. ‘It's all right – you're not going to die. You were lying on

  this old tin.’ Lumpy pulled a small, battered tin from the rubble. As he did, the lid fell off and out tumbled a thick wad of paper with an elastic band round it.

  ‘Money!’ screamed Captain Blackpatch, seizing the wad and breaking the band. ‘Money! Money! Money!’ He threw the hundred-pound notes into the air and they rained gently down upon the soot-covered pirates. ‘Great-granny must have hidden this away years ago! We're rich, lads! We

  can pay the electricity bill and repair all this damage, and buy…’

  ‘… an enormous chocolate sponge-cake?’ suggested Lumpy hopefully.

  ‘Definitely an enormous chocolate sponge-cake,’ agreed the Captain.

  Bald Ben began to giggle. ‘Look, we've even got Polly's bed downstairs
.’ And he pointed at the rather dented bed that was lying on its side. Polly put it the right way up and stretched out on it. ‘I'm sleeping downstairs tonight,’ she said wearily.

  ‘And I'm sleeping upstairs,’ yawned Molly, both of them too exhausted to argue any longer.

  Captain Blackpatch rested back against a pile of rubble and gave a deeply satisfied sigh. He picked up a few hundred-pound notes. ‘Money at last,’ he murmured. ‘And do you know, I think we have found something even better to treasure.’

  The Indoor Pirates looked at their leader. What was he talking about? Blackpatch grinned at them through the dusty gloom of the exploded room. ‘Listen – what can you hear? Nothing. That is the sound of silence. Molly and Polly have stopped quarrelling. Now that really is something to treasure!’