Tangled Dreams

by Jennifer Anderson

  Gavin wondering who had pulled in the drive walked to the end of the barn door. Seeing the two of them entwined and locked in a kiss, he didn’t know whether to hit something or march up there and lay him out where he stood. Deciding with a heavy heart that he had seen enough and turned to walk back in to the barn to finish shoveling stalls.

  Pulling out of his grasp and away from his very eager lips, “What was that for?”

  “I’m just happy to see you.”

  “You just seen me today at school.”

  “Yeah, but every attempt I’ve made to spend time with you outside of school you have declined until tonight, so now I’m happy.”

  “Oh.” Smiling nervously. Sitting down on the swing he put his arm around my shoulders and nudged me closer to him.

  “So, Homecoming is next weekend. Are you ready?”

  “Yeah, I already have my dress.”

  “Excellent. I can’t wait to see you in it.” Drooling in anticipation. Thinking to himself how much he couldn’t wait to see her out of it. Hoping to convince her to come back to the hotel room he had reserved. Thinking he would surprise her with it after all that is what two people did when they loved each other. Well, he had never actually heard her say it back. However, she did take him back and invited him down that was reason enough he thought excitedly.

  He must have stayed at least a couple of hours talking my ear off and trying even harder to nibble on it. Finally we got the plans mapped out. What time he would pick me up, the the exact color of my dress so he could order the corsage and so he could also get a matching tie. When he finally did leave I was all to relieved and decided to wait on the porch for Gavin to come inside. It was really getting cold now at nights with winter all but here. Wrapping a sweater around me I decided to wait it out anyhow. When I finally did get a glimpse of him walking up from the barn he looked tired and irritated. I was secretly hoping he would ask me for Friday night movie night like he used to instead of going up alone.

  Walking up the steps he hadn’t seen her until halfway up and noticed her curled tightly up with an over sized sweater. She had pulled it up over her knees with her chin resting on the top of them. Her legs pulled in as tight as she could get them to her chest. “Madison, what are you doing? Don’t you have enough sense to come in out of the cold?” Still irritated about seeing her lip locked with Clay.

  “No, don’t you?” I said slightly annoyed with the tone he had taken.

  “Well, If I had any choice I sure the hell wouldn’t be out there shoveling shit stalls.” Trying not to sound to harsh and not knowing anything to do other than tuck his dirty tired hands into his jean pockets.

  Choosing to ignore the hostility in his voice and his even more hostile eyes I chose to try to get him to smile instead. “Well, If I had a choice I wouldn’t let you because I am down wind from you and it ain’t pretty.” I said scrunching my nose up.

  Looking at her astonished he didn’t know whether to laugh or be insulted. It had been so long since either one of them had taken a playful jab at one another that he wasn’t sure if it would ever be possible again. But, he couldn’t help it and it did bring a resemblance of a smirk to his face which she decided that was a good enough start. “Well, be lucky it’s not you in there instead then.” Now taking the last few remaining steps up and closer to her.

  “Oh believe me I am thanking my lucky stars right now.”

  “Hey now I don’t stink that bad.” Now with a look of annoyance on his face. Lifting his arms up so he could get a whiff of them.

  “Oh, I’ll be the judge of that.” Reaching out I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer and put it up to my nose looking up and into his eyes. He felt his heart skip a beat as he looked down into her gorgeous green eyes and got mad all over again about Clay’s lips being on hers when it damn well should be his. “No, I guess you don’t smell that bad.” I said smiling up at him. “Do you want to sit with me for a second?”

  “I guess I could. If you can stand the smell.” Walking over to her.

  My heart fluttering I knew I had won him over a little bit. This is the most he had paid attention to me since that day at the creek when I sent him away.

  Sitting down beside her he wanted to be the one to pull her into his arms and warm her up but, refused to play second fiddle. “So, I seen Clay was here.” Looking down at his filthy hands wishing he had a showered before sitting this closely to her. When really she could of cared less what he smelled like.

  “Yeah, he wanted to go over plans for Homecoming.”

  “Oh, Yeah?” With a questioning look in his eyes.

  “Yeah, I didn’t want to go over to his house.” Now my turn to look down at my hands.

  “I can understand that. Maddie?”

  “Yeah?” Looking over at him sitting quietly next to me with a few short strands of his hair curled out of his hat with straw stuck in it.

  “Why did you decide to give Clay another chance?” Asking with an undertone of pure hatred in his voice.

  Reaching up I picked the straw lovingly out of his hair looking into his eyes and saw nothing but pain and confusion. Something I was all to familiar with knowing I was the one who caused it was killing me inside. Deciding on the truth I didn’t have the heart to lie to him. Sighing and dropping my hand back down.

  “Because he told me he loved me and begged me for another chance.”

  “Oh.” His heart now dropping to his feet, expecting her to say that she had said it back.

  “You’re a better person than me.” He said honestly knowing he would never forgive such betrayal.

  “Hardly.” Smiling over at him.

  “You forgive when most people wouldn’t. That takes a big person.” He said looking back at me.

  “No, that takes a coward, and that’s what I am.”

  Astonished. “How do you figure?”

  “I forgave what should have been unforgivable for reasons that are stupid and my own.” Like lying to myself. Using Clay to push Gavin away. Having someone at school to be with. To not feel so alone when I know I can’t lean on Gavin anymore I thought disgusted. I could never tell him those reasons.

  “Well, I’m sure you have good reasons. Reasons that I will never understand but, when you love someone enough you can forgive them for almost anything.” He said sadly looking into her eyes.

  Looking out into the clear night I was torn on whether to lie and tell him I loved Clay. That would surely be easier and would ensure our separation. Or to tell him the truth and tell him I could never and would never love Clay. Any other time I might of just let him think I loved Clay but, I was getting tired of lying to someone who meant the world to me, and tired of lying to myself. “Gavin, I don’t love Clay.” Saying matter of fact.

  He felt his heart beat back to life and wanted to get up pump his fists in triumph. However, he refrained himself and thanked God he quit being stupid and sat down to talk to her or he would of went on thinking so. “I saw you two kissing.” He prodded on.

  “He kissed me.” Keeping it simple trying not to give any explanations. Changing the subject, “I hear you have date for Homecoming to?”

  “Yeah.” Now fidgeting trying to figure out what to do with his restless hands.

  “I’m sure you two will have fun.”

  “I guess. Just like you and Clay will.”

  “You think you could save me a dance?” Asking hopefully, still afraid to look at him. Reaching up he grabbed my chin between his forefinger and thumb and turned my head so we were eye to eye.

  “I can absolutely save you a dance babe.” Scanning her face for any emotions.

  Turning my head back away from him, “Thank you. I don’t deserve it after the awful way I treated you.”

  “You were hurting, and sometimes the truth comes out when your upset.” Sadly remembering her screaming at him to leave and telling him she had Clay.

  “Yeah, and sometimes you say things you don’t mean.” Getting up quickly to leave before I
spilled my guts wrapping myself around his gorgeous body and telling him how deeply in love I am with him.

  Leaving him there sitting more confused than before wondering if the reason she sent him away that day at the creek was something she wanted to do? Or if she did because of what his father said to her? Or for any other reason? Now thoroughly confused. Wanting to get up and follow her to get answers he reluctantly decided against it. Knowing the turmoil she has gone through is more than any person deserved. He still woke up hearing her cry out at night in the next room for a father who couldn’t come back and a mother who wouldn’t come back. Listening sometimes she quieted down into a calmer sleep and sometimes he heard her stir waking up crying softly as to not wake any one up. So many times I wanted to go in and wrap my arms around her consoling her. I knew I shouldn’t or couldn’t. Not sure which one. Wishing with everything inside me she would make the decision for me and come to me instead. Finally forcing my sore back and body to move he got up to go get a hot shower wanting to leave his worries out on that front porch swing.

  The week went quick enough and everyone was so excited about Homecoming and the big Homecoming game. My boyfriend was the star quarter back and that’s all he could talk about. I really don’t have much interest in football and even less of an interest in going to the game. So I concocted up a story about having to do chores and earn my rights to go to the Homecoming dance so I couldn’t have both. So, of course Clay relented wanting to go to the dance with me was more important I guess. When it was time for Gavin to leave to go pick up his date I stayed shut up tight in the bedroom not wanting to see how handsome I knew he would be in his suit. I had been ready for a while and I had my hair twisted up with curls draping down everywhere. Already put on my makeup with my red lipstick and even had my beautiful dress on . Kayla and Kylie couldn’t resist not coming in to watch me get ready and told me I looked like a princess. I almost felt like one, too bad my prince was going with someone else I thought sadly. Looking down at my red nails I patiently painted to match. Hearing Clay pull up I hurried to rush downstairs having to admit I was excited and at the bottom of the stairs stood Aunt Julia camera in hand waiting for me. “Do you have to Aunt Julia?” I whined annoyingly.

  “You bet your pretty little butt.” Smiling opening up the door for Clay. “Don’t you look handsome.” She said whistling. And he really did. He had a black suit with a black shirt and a red tie to match my dress. Corsage in hand, flashing me his game winning smile. Which they did win, so he was the happiest person in the world right at that moment.

  Walking in and looking at her he thought she couldn’t get any hotter than when she was in that bikini but, he was glad he was wrong. Boy it’s going to be fun getting her out of that dress thinking to himself, licking his lips.

  When the pictures were all over we were on our way to what I hoped would be a night of mindless entertainment.

  When we arrived, the gym had been transformed into something beautiful with gorgeous decorations hanging everywhere. Tables lining the walls with bright blue table cloths and flowers everywhere. It truly was even more beautiful than I imagined. Walking farther in Clay was immediately bombarded with congratulations and pats on the back for a job well done. I used that time to slip off quietly and found a table in a corner to sit at. Imagining how different it would be if I was here with Gavin. How much happier I would be, and how much fun I would have with him. It was impossible to be in Gavin’s presence and not to be completely pulled in by his fun personality and great sense of humor. Not a lot of people get to see that side of him but, when you did it was quite a wonderful surprise. He usually acts serious and doesn’t talk that much at school or in big crowds. Only his closest friends get to see him for what he really is. Putting my elbow down on the table I rested my chin on my knuckles, scanning the room. Making sure to cross my legs and making sure everything was covered. In these high heels I was almost to the height of Clay. My eyes went to the other corner of the gym where they connected with Gavin’s eyes. I think I about fell out of my chair when my eyes landed on him. I didn’t think he could be any more handsome but, he accomplished it. In a black suit and tie he had his hair slicked back and it looked great on him. Seeing him without a hat on was a nice surprise. With his deep tan and his tall muscular stature I knew that it settled my suspicions, he really was the most gorgeous guy I had ever laid eyes on. Lifting my arm up I waved at him and gave him a quick smile which he returned only to have his date, Sara see me and go to stand right in front of him to block his view.

  I couldn’t believe how breathtaking she was clear across the room. I can just imagine what she looks like up close. He thought wanting to get a closer view. What I really wanted to do was push Sara out of the way so I could keep on staring at Maddie. I know that’s horrible. When you only have eyes for one person it is so hard paying attention to anyone else. When a slow song started Sara pulled me onto the dance floor when really I wanted to go over and grab Maddie. Looking at her Clay had not missed the opportunity to pull her out there before anyone else did though. I could tell she was sad all I had to do was look into her eyes. She has eyes that could tell all of her secrets if she let them, and they have been sad eyes for weeks now. I really couldn’t help but be a little concerned. I can tell she had withdrawn from everyone, even me. Before when she was mad at me she was still connected with Mom and my sisters but, now she isn’t even managing to put the effort there either. Thinking sadly trying to figure a way to get close to her again without crossing the boundaries she had put up between them. That was also thanks to the wedge his father help build.

  The night was dragging by slowly and I was bored and depressed especially watching Sara paw all over Gavin. Fighting off Clays roaming hands every chance he got was bad enough. Andrea let me know after many study hall discussions that I was totally nuts for not being all over Clay. However, she agreed if there was ever a reason not to be all over Clay it was Gavin sleeping in the very next room and understood perfectly. Even letting me know how much she envied me and wanting to slap me silly for not pursuing Gavin when he has shown all the signs. She just thinks he’s flirted with me and catches him throwing looks in my direction. I’ve never told her the whole story. I feel guilty I even fed her the same story about just living with friends of the family but, it’s just to complicated to explain when sometimes I don’t understand it myself.

  Halfway through the night Clay pulled me outside telling me he needed to talk to me alone. Letting me know there was to many eyes on me he was afraid he would be forced to share me. Once in a while he could be charming. Problem with that was he was paying more attention to all the eyes that were on him. Walking outside it was a clear night with millions of stars in the sky it only seemed to feel chilly when the breeze kicked up. Grabbing my arm and pulling me into the shadows. “Clay why couldn’t you have talked to me inside?” I asked complaining, worried that one of my high heels would fall into a hole and that I would be face first in mud or I would break my ankle.

  “I wanted to talk to you alone.” Finally stopping and turning to face me.

  “Yes, Clay?” I said my impatience starting to show.

  ”I wanted to ask you if you would spend the night with me?” Pulling out the hotel key and dangling it in front of my face like I had just won a wonderful prize. Going on, “I love you and I thought it was about time we show each other how much we mean to each other.” Still smiling.

  I didn’t know whether to faint or slap the jerk for being a damn idiot. Was he really that dense? I asked myself unsure of the answer. “Clay, I can’t.”

  “Well, why the hell not? I spent a lot of money reserving this room for us.” He said his anger starting to boil over not believing he was actually getting turned down.

  “Well, you wasted it.” I said my anger and annoyance starting to grow just as fast.

  “I can’t believe this. I could go in there right now and pick any girl I wanted and ask her to go with me tonight and she would.” Waving
his hand toward the gym emphatically.

  “Then go.” Now tiring of his huge ego. Wondering if his head would explode at any moment.

  “Give me one good reason why you won’t go with me? Is it Gavin? I see the way you two look at each other. You’re a damn fool if you think you want him over me.”

  My anger snapping, “You keep your mouth shut about Gavin. He is the kindest, most caring person I know. He is more charming, and he is better looking and that burns your ass to no end! I said jabbing my finger into his chest hard. “Your not even in the same league as he is, and the simple truth is I don’t love you. I don‘t want to be with you anymore.” I said taking a step back staring at him while he stared back in disbelief at my outburst.

  He had never even heard her raise her voice before and except for saying all those hurtful things he found himself almost turned on. Still beyond angry at being turned down he got right up into her face and grabbed her cheeks hard pulling her in for a rough kiss. “It’s your loss baby.” He said letting me go and turning around abruptly.

  “For some reason I think I’ll live.” I said shooting back at him. Watching him walk back into the building.

  I absolutely hated confrontations. Even if I wasn’t in love with him I had spent enough time with him to care for him as a friend. I didn’t want it to end on a bad note but I guess it’s to late for that now. Wrapping my arms around myself the last thing I wanted to do was go back inside. With Andrea not here, and Gavin with a date I really didn’t have anyone to talk to anyways. Suddenly I missed my old school, and all of my old friends and would of given anything just to see any one of them. Walking over to a tree I leaned up against it to shield myself from the chilly breeze wondering how in the world I was going to get home. I would have seriously thought about walking if it wasn’t for a skirt and heels. I guess I could call aunt Julia I thought miserably to myself. Then I would have to subject myself to a million questions. Sighing, I looked up at the sky and wondered what my mother was doing at that moment. She was a horrible mother but, I missed her. Pulling out my memory the one time that I remembered that she had hugged me on her own accord without me forcing her to. One of the few times she had no booze in her body. I thought with a tear streaking down my face. Great now I’m going to ruin my make up as well. I guess it’s about time for this princess to go home anyways depressed, laying my head back on the tree willing the chills to leave my body. Looking up at the stars, “I’d give anything just to hear your voice daddy.”