“What?” Sloan asked.
“Nothing,” he said, feeling this topic too intimate to share with even his best friends.
“So, what are you going to do?” Travis asked him.
Greg simply shook his head as he tried to push aside the huge realization and focus on how he felt about what Jane had done. He exhaled. “It’s funny, but it’s not really anger I’m feeling. I’m hurt. I feel almost wounded by the fact that she lied. That she didn’t feel I could handle the truth. That she couldn’t come to me with her problem. Explain things to me.”
“But how could she do that when you and your reaction was the problem?” Sloan asked. Without waiting for an answer, he said, “Are you going to allow her to continue watching Joy?”
Then Travis asked, “Can she be trusted?”
White-hot anger rolled over Greg, seemingly out of nowhere.
“Of course she can be trusted!”
Why? Greg wondered. Why was he taking up for Jane now after he’d just discovered that she’d lied her way into his home, into his and his daughter’s lives?
“Because I can feel it,” he said, answering his own unspoken questions. “Here.” Curling his fingers into his palm, he pressed his balled fist against his solar plexus. “In my gut, I know I can trust her. I’ve never met a woman like Jane. She’s extraordinary. Remarkable, really. She’s passionate about her beliefs. She’s confident. Poised. Self-reliant. And she has been for a long time. She’s giving.” He thought of Jane’s adolescence. How she quit school to get a job in order to provide for her sister. “Sometimes to a fault. She’s proved she can handle tough situations. And she’s the smartest person I’ve ever met. Not book smart, maybe, but people smart. Life smart.”
“My Lord, look at the man,” Travis breathed. “He’s lit up like a light bulb.”
Sloan nodded. “Looks like love to me.”
Overwhelming elation had Greg making for the door. Sloan was right. Over his shoulder, he called, “I’m wasting my breath telling you guys all this. I’m going home. And tomorrow, Jane and I are going to talk.”
The next morning, Jane got herself dressed and then began packing her bags. She had slept fitfully, waking time and again from bad dreams. In each and every nightmare, Joy was being torn from her arms.
Jane had no idea how she was going to survive living away from Joy. But after seeing Pricilla last night, after hearing all the hateful things her sister had to say, after finally realizing what kind of person Pricilla had turned out to be, Jane couldn’t help but come to the sad conclusion that she didn’t deserve—
A soft knock on the bedroom door had her whirling around.
“Jane, can I come in?”
Panic welled in her chest at the sound of Greg’s voice. She had known she’d have to face him this morning. But she wasn’t ready yet.
Would she ever be ready? she wondered.
“I’d like to talk,” he said when she didn’t answer.
Reluctance coated her tone as if it were a tangible thing as she said, “Come in.”
He looked tired. It was quite obvious that he’d experienced the same kind of restless night as she.
“What are you doing?”
The touch of alarm that tinged his question made her frown.
“I—I’m packing,” she said. “I was sure that you’d—”
“But we haven’t even had a chance to talk.”
Absently, she smoothed her palm against the cotton fabric of the blouse she’d been folding. Her arms relaxed and she dropped the blouse on the bed. She watched him pace over to the window and look out at the chilly November morning.
He turned to face her, his green eyes grave, his expression utterly serious.
“Look, Jane,” he said, “I’m not happy that you lied. But I do understand how this whole mess started.” He stepped over to the chest of drawers and reached out to unwittingly fiddle with the brass pull. “Of course, I wish you had told me the truth weeks ago.”
She averted her gaze and whispered, “I wish I had, too.”
“But Sloan helped me to see—”
“Sloan? You’ve talked about this with your friends?”
He nodded. “I called both Sloan and Travis last night. We met at the office.”
“I did hear you go out,” she admitted. “But I thought you might have been needed at the hospital.”
He just shook his head. “I needed to talk. To work this out in my mind.”
Knowing that Greg’s friends knew the truth, that she’d lied, Jane was terribly embarrassed. But they’d have found out sooner or later, anyway. She was just glad that Greg had good friends who would be there for him in good times…and in bad times.
That was more than she had.
“The guys helped me to see,” he repeated, “that you must have been too afraid to tell me.”
With her gaze riveted to the floor, she couldn’t stop the small, sad smile that formed on her mouth. Apparently, his friends understood what she’d been feeling.
“I was, Greg,” she told him. “I was very afraid of how you’d react.”
“I’d have understood. I’d have listened to your story. I—I’d have…”
His words petered out, and she lifted her chin to look at him.
Would you have? Really? she silently asked.
His eyelids closed and he groaned softly. As if he’d heard her unasked question, he admitted, “Oh, Jane. I hope I would have. But I can’t say for sure how I would have reacted. I just can’t say.”
When he looked at her again, his green gaze glittered with hope, with a positive energy that had Jane’s stomach twisting in knots of confusion. His admission made her believe he understood her motive. She felt less guilty.
She’d be leaving on more equal ground than she’d arrived.
“I came in here to ask if we could just put this all behind us,” he said. “I want us to start building a trusting relationship. Right now. From this moment on, there will be no secrets between us.”
A trusting relationship?
What was it he was looking for? Did he want them to form a relationship for Joy’s sake? Or was he asking for something more personal? More intimate?
The questions frightened her. And excited her at the same time.
However, she couldn’t allow herself to contemplate any kind of relationship with Greg. And she had more than one reason why she couldn’t.
“Greg—” His name issued from her throat in a dry, raspy sound. She swallowed and tried again. “Greg, I’m leaving. This morning.”
“But didn’t you just hear what I said?” he asked. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“This has nothing to do with what you want,” she quietly said. “Or what I want. I have to leave. I can’t be a part of Joy’s life.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I thought this through last night. Joy deserves to be raised by someone who can do a good job. She needs love and discipline and guidance. She needs a parent who’s going to help her grow into a good and decent person. I’m not her parent. I don’t have what it takes to see that she grows up to be a proper young woman.”
“Jane, you’re confusing me.” He reached up and touched his chin. “What you’re saying makes no sense. You love Joy. Love her so very much. All that you’ve done, the lies you told, were all so that you could be with Joy.”
Emotion welled up in her throat, threatening to choke off all speech, and hot tears burned the backs of her eyelids. She sank down onto the edge of the bed.
“Oh, Greg.” She felt utterly miserable. “I tried so hard to raise Pricilla right. Our mother was a horrible role model. She had men in and out of the house. She used people to get what she wanted rather than work for an honest wage. I did everything I could to see that Pricilla had everything she should need.” Jane felt a tear roll down her face and plop on the back of her hand. “But as Pricilla herself said, I never provided enough. I didn’t work hard enough. It’s so obvious that I wasn�
��t a good example for my sister. I don’t want Joy to suffer just because I’m terrible at raising children. I love her too much—”
“Jane. Oh, Jane.”
Besides all that, her brain roared seemingly out of nowhere, I can’t stay here because I’ve fallen so deeply and passionately in love with you that I’d never survive the disappointed look I’d see in your eyes were you ever to discover the whole truth about me. She couldn’t let that happen. She didn’t want to face Greg’s disillusionment or his rejection if he was to find out just how worthless she was as a woman.
He’d told her he admired her. He’d just said he didn’t want her to leave. Knowing these things would have to be comfort enough as she grew old all alone.
His weight made the mattress dip as he sat down next to her. He took her hand and smoothed her skin with the pad of his thumb.
“You did the best you could do, honey.”
Hearing the sweet nickname only made Jane’s chin tremble with emotion.
“When you told me the story of your past, I got the impression that your sister—that Pricilla—was nearly grown when your mom left. She was a teenager. You were in your first year of college.”
Jane could only nod.
“Your mother had lots of years to influence Pricilla,” he continued softly. “Who knows? Maybe your sister inherited your mother’s genes. Maybe she’d have ended up with the same self-centered attitude even if she’d been born with perfect parents. No one can say for certain.”
“But I tried so hard to make sure that she didn’t turn out like Mother.”
His arm slid around her shoulders like a warm, protective coat. “Maybe you did make a few mistakes. You were young yourself, remember. A teen raising a teen, really. In trying to give her everything, in working hard so that she wouldn’t have to, maybe what you taught her was that she didn’t have to pitch in. She didn’t have to take responsibility for herself. In making her the most important thing in the world to you, maybe you made her believe she should be the most important thing in the world to everyone. Especially to herself. At least, that’s the Pricilla I came to know in the short time she and I were together.”
Guilt hit Jane like a brick wall. “So it is all my fault.”
“No, honey—”
There it was again. That velvet-sweet name.
“—it isn’t your fault at all. There comes a time when each of us needs to become accountable for our own actions. Pricilla’s a full-grown woman now. She has been for quite some time. She’s responsible for the things she says and does. No one has to answer for her actions but her.”
It felt good having him close, having his warm, silken voice calming her, reassuring her. The urge to lean into him was strong. To let him be her tower of strength. To rest her head on his shoulder and surrender to the heat that skittered and danced in her belly. If only for a moment.
She stiffened. And then leaned away from him so that his arm was forced from her shoulder. She couldn’t stay, not for another moment. If she did, she’d surrender to the urge to reveal her heart—as well as her medical condition.
“I have to go.” She couldn’t look him in the eye. “I have no talent for raising children. Joy deserves better than what I can give her.”
“Oh, that’s just plain silly, Jane.”
His sloughing off of her statement felt as if he’d taken a knife and jabbed her right in the heart. That’s how bad his scoffing comment hurt.
“You love Joy,” he said. “And Joy loves you. You want what’s best for her. Do you think any parent has more than that when they’re raising their kids?”
She looked at the floor, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Besides—”
He gently took her chin between his fingers and thumb and forced her to look him in the eye.
“—I need you to be here. I need your help. I want you. Here.”
His gaze intensified as he added, “I love you, Jane.”
Her eyes widened. Oh, no. Oh, no. She’d never expected this. Yes, he’d said he admired her but…
“I owe you so much,” he said. “I want you to know that I do understand all that you’ve done.”
Confusion knit Jane’s brows.
“I know that without your efforts—” his tone dropped to a mere whisper “—Joy might never have been born. I heard what Pricilla said. She’d have aborted my daughter. I’m so very grateful.”
Greg picked up her hand and kissed the back of it, his lips warm and firm.
“But gratitude isn’t all I feel,” he continued. “Your actions, what you did for Joy, that’s all a part of Jane—the woman I love. I love you because you make me feel like I’ve never felt before. You’re strong. I’m in awe of that fact. And you make me feel strong, too. Like I could solve any problem. Like I could take on the world and win. I want you with me. Forever.”
Again, he kissed her hand. The tips of her fingers.
“I don’t know what the future may bring,” he said. “Who knows if Pricilla won’t one day straighten out her life? That she might want custody of Joy?”
Jane inadvertently gasped at the idea.
Greg hugged her hand to his chest. “I wouldn’t like it and I’d fight it, tooth and nail, but I could handle it. As long as you were by my side. I want you to marry me, Jane. Say you’ll be my wife.”
“Oh, please don’t ask that of me. Please. Please, don’t, Greg.”
She’d wounded him. She could tell. She felt horrible. This had all gone too far. She’d have to tell him everything now. She’d have to expose herself. There would be no escape.
“I don’t mean to hurt you,” she said. “You have to believe me. But, Greg…I don’t want you to love me. You’ll only get hurt. Trust me.”
Bewilderment shadowed his handsome face.
“There are things you don’t know about me,” she continued. “In some ways, I’m just as selfish as Pricilla. I did make her feel guilty. I did do everything in my power to persuade her keep her baby. I was so sure she’d have regretted having an abortion. Maybe not right away, but someday…”
Her voice trailed, and she had to wonder, given the mean-spirited side of Pricilla she’d seen last night, if she still felt that her sister would regret such an action. Jane honestly couldn’t say.
“But there was another reason I did all I could to convince Pricilla to give birth to Joy.”
Her exhalation was shaky. She wasn’t proud of her actions. No, she wasn’t. How could she make him understand?
“I was so happy, so filled with utter joy, when Pricilla told me she was pregnant. And when the baby was born, my joy seemed to know no limits. Of course, Pricilla was less than pleased. She was sullen and angry, but she was glad to have the pregnancy over with. That poor baby was two days old, and still Pricilla refused to come up with a name. So I named her. My Joy.” Jane’s mouth spread with a smile. “I was so happy.”
It was time for the whole truth. There could be no avoiding it. Not now. Not after Greg had revealed his love for her. Or who he thought she was.
“You see, Greg,” she said, keeping her tone as brave as possible, “I can’t have children.” She told herself to ignore the way his eyes widened in surprise. “Remember the accident I told you about? The car that hit me? Well, I was released from the hospital before the doctors realized that my cervix had been damaged. A tiny tear was all it was. But it was enough to cause an infection. The tear and the infection led to scarring. I’ll never conceive a child. I’ll never experience the wonder of giving birth. I can’t give you a family.” She averted her gaze and murmured, “I’m sure you’d be sorry you fell in love with me.”
She forced herself to look at him. “So, you see, I am just as selfish and self-centered as my sister. I wanted Pricilla to have that baby so I’d have a child in my life. I was certain that my sister would come to love her daughter. In time. But she never did. And it looks as if she never will.”
Jane pulled her hand from his grasp. “
You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel sensual.” Emotion knotted in her throat. “I care about you more than you’ll ever know.” She hesitated, and then revealed, “I love you. But I can’t be with you. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I can’t give you what a normal woman could. A family of your own.”
“Oh, Jane.” He reached for her. Tugged her into his arms, emotion turning his voice thick. “Can’t you understand,” he whispered against her ear, “you are my family. I feel closer to you than anyone else in the world. You have my heart. And my soul. You’ve become my whole life. You had me from the very first day we met. This was meant to be. I can feel it. Can’t you?”
She felt a delicious chuckle rumble deep in his throat.
“You should have learned, seeing the rag-tag family that Sloan and Travis and I have tried to form, that blood relations aren’t as important as…well, as love relations.”
He pulled back far enough to look deeply into her eyes, and the expression she saw there thrilled her to the very marrow of her bones.
“But…are you sure—”
“Shhh.” He lovingly pressed his index finger against her lips. “It’s you I love, honey. It’s you I want to spend my life with.”
He didn’t see her as the empty vessel she’d imagined he might—that she’d imagined herself to be all these years. In fact, her own poor self image had probably been her worst enemy all along.
Jane felt literally walloped with the revelation. “Why didn’t I see it before?” she asked, more of herself than him. “I worked so hard to love my mother and my sister, yet neither of them responded to me at all. It’s pretty obvious that I was offering my love to the wrong people.”
It might have been a hard lesson, but the hard ones were always the best ones, weren’t they? Hard lessons were the ones that stuck with you for life.
She looked into Greg’s eyes, then, and all she witnessed was a man gazing at—passionately desiring—the woman he loved. A woman he respected. A woman he cherished. She’d never felt more whole than she did at this point in her life.
Another lesson learned: there was a man who could make her feel loved. There was a soul mate who would love her for her…and not be concerned for what she could not give him. There was a man who could offer her pure, unadulterated love.
The Nanny Proposal Page 14
