Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  Goji’s eyes look tired. He waits a long time to answer. Finally, he says, “There’s a beat between what happens to us and our reaction to it. Inside that tiny beat, we have the opportunity to consciously choose how we’re going to react. Coyote’s response to whatever they do with him is the key to his freedom and I think he understands that. Just like how we’ve chosen to celebrate our love for him instead of wallowing in grief.”

  He makes it sound like you can’t do both, celebrate someone and be sad that the person is gone. I’m not ready to let go of my grief. But Goji’s words are a comfort.

  “You mean like free will?”

  Goji breaks into a sad smile. “Exactly. Coyote is the author of his life, just as we all are.” He nods at Moon. “Your turn, little brother.”

  Moon tells about the book Coyote gave him called The Snowy Day. It used to be one of Coyote’s favorites when he was a boy, living in Chicago. Harmony is next. She tears a page out of her sketchbook and passes it around. It’s her drawing of Coyote dragging on a joint with smoke curled around his face. We’re all silent while everyone takes a turn holding Harmony’s sketch. When it comes back around she quietly tucks it into The Book without a word.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?” Moon asks her.

  “I think she just did,” Goji says, smiling at Harmony.

  Doobie says he’ll never forget the time he and Coyote did mescaline together and Doobie was convinced that they had exchanged bodies. “I was all freaked out and Coyote was like, aw, you’re beautiful, man. I looked at Coyote and I said, ‘Yeah, but now you’re me and you’re ugly,’ and we both started laughing so long and hard I thought I was gonna piss myself. My sides hurt for days. Best trip I’ve ever had.”

  Rain is seated next to the empty place where Coyote usually sits. She looks down at the chair and fights back tears, which everyone knows is a battle for her. “My first day here, everything was so, I don’t know, different. I was scared. Coyote sat here on the other side of me. My hand was shaking so bad the food kept falling off the fork. He put his hand over mine and held it. He said, ‘It’s cool, sister. Everyone here is your friend.’ His words calmed me down. I’ll never forget that.”

  Jade smiles, her eyes still leaking tears. “I remember that. I remember feeling a little jealous and worried that he’d fall in love with this beautiful young girl who’d shown up. But that’s always the way it is with Coyote. He loves everyone and everyone loves him. He can act like a badass when he wants to but he’s one of the gentlest people I’ve ever known. It’s why he deserted. I think he would have laid himself down in front of the enemy before killing anyone.”

  Sniffles and soft crying erupt around the table. Goji closes The Book and stands. “Shall we close the circle?”

  We move to the fire pit, where Wave lights a candle and sets it on a stump. He reaches for Willow’s hand on one side and mine on the other. The rest of us grasp each other’s hands in turn.

  Goji tilts his head toward the sky. “Coyote has left our home, but he has not left us. Let us send him our blessing and thank him for touching our lives with his spirit. Thank you, Coyote.”

  We lift our connected arms in unison. “Thank you, Coyote.”

  When Jade starts sobbing, Wave begins to hum “No Woman No Cry,” one of Coyote’s favorite songs. We all join in, singing. I imagine Coyote dancing in the middle of the circle. The love I see and feel toward Coyote from everyone is so powerful that I start to believe the words that everything actually is going to be all right.

  21

  Mrs. Fuller rolls up the driveway in her old man’s Buick while I’m taking a speedy winter shower. I quickly turn away and cover my waist with a towel. Our neighbor strides past me, ducking under the canopy where it droops between two poles, to where Jade and Sirona are standing in the kitchen. The sister-mothers’ eyebrows lift in surprise as Mrs. Fuller yanks open a couple of drawers before finding a spoon hanging from a hook above the woodstove. She starts stirring their steaming pot of soup. Mrs. Fuller has never helped with meals, let alone acted like it was her own kitchen.

  I move closer and stand just within earshot to eavesdrop. Sirona sidles up next to Mrs. Fuller. “You okay, Lois?”

  Mrs. Fuller keeps stirring. She takes a sip of the broth from the spoon. “Where’s the salt?”

  Jade moves to her other side, looking concerned. “Hey, what’s going on?”

  I creep closer toward the kitchen, tightening my towel at my waist, and listen in.

  Mrs. Fuller shakes some salt into her hand, then drops it in the pot. “I want to help. That’s how it works, right? Everyone does their bit. We all work together.”

  Jade touches the older woman’s arm. “Well, of course, but you don’t need to help. If you’re hungry we’re happy to feed you.”

  Mrs. Fuller stops stirring and bursts into tears. “I’ve envied you all for years. So free and so full of love and, well, just such a beautiful family. I want to be a part of it.”

  The sister-mothers circle their arms around Mrs. Fuller’s waist. Sirona rests her head on the older woman’s shoulder. “Oh, hon. What about your family? Your husband?”

  Mrs. Fuller wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. “I don’t have any kids and my family lives on the East Coast. I married Charlie when I was only twenty. Shortly afterward, his parents died in a car accident so we moved here to run the family farm. Then they took my classroom away and closed the school. I want to go back to college and get my art degree but Charlie thinks I’m being ridiculous.”

  Harmony sneaks up behind me and puts her hands over my eyes. “Guess who?” When I reach up to pull her hands away my towel falls off. Mrs. Fuller hears the commotion and turns toward us. I feel my face go hot. Harmony and I both lurch to pick up my towel. She hands it to me and winks before joining the women in the kitchen.

  “Hey, Mrs. Fuller! What are you doing here?”

  Mrs. Fuller drops her head over the soup pot so Harmony doesn’t see her tears. “Oh, I’m just helping the girls cook dinner. How’re those charcoal sketches coming along? Did you try the shadowing technique I showed you?”

  “I did and it’s so cool! What about you? Have you started painting again?”

  Mrs. Fuller shakes her head. “Not yet. But go look in the backseat of my car. I brought some things.”

  Harmony motions for me to follow her. I step back into my jeans and throw on a flannel shirt. We peek through the car windows to find the seats filled with canvases, an easel, boxes of paints and brushes.

  “She wants to move here,” I whisper.

  Harmony spins around to look at me. “She what?”

  “I heard her tell Jade and Sirona. I think she’s leaving her husband.”

  “Wow. Why would she do that? They have such a nice house and all that land.”

  “She wants to go back to college to study art. Her husband won’t let her.”

  Harmony peers over my shoulder toward the kitchen. “That’s so messed up. Do you think Goji will let her stay?”

  “I don’t know. He’s pretty particular about accepting new members. She doesn’t exactly fit the profile for SFC.”

  “What profile?”

  “You know. Hippies. Yogis. Philosophers. And then there’s the age range. She’s gotta be almost fifty.”

  Harmony frowns. “Lois is exactly the kind of person Saffron Freedom Community needs. She’s friendly, creative, and she knows all about homesteading. Doobie said she even smokes pot.”

  “Maybe. But I feel kind of sorry for her husband.”

  “Not me. I feel sorry for her. She’s obviously oppressed.” Harmony gathers up the art supplies and drops them into a grocery sack she finds in the backseat. She points to the wooden easel. “Help me with that, will ya?” She turns to walk back toward the women.

  I drop the three-legged frame over my shoulder and follow her. In the distance, Goji and Rain walk toward the woods. Harmony juts her chin in their direction. “That’s getting a little
creepy. He’s got to be twice her age.”

  I watch Rain and Goji disappear into the trees. “Maybe it’s just a learning session.”

  “Right. I have a pretty good idea what he’s teaching her.”

  “Harmony!”

  She rolls her eyes. “You’re so naïve.” We start down the path but Harmony stops and whirls around. “Wait, Blue! This is our chance to get some candy!”

  “In broad daylight? No way.”

  “The sisters are busy with Mrs. Fuller. Willow and Wave took the kids into town to shop for supplies.”

  “I don’t know. . . .”

  She empties out her bag under a tree. “Fine. Just tell me where they are and I’ll get them myself.”

  I was hoping she’d forgotten about it. I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to tell her about Gaia’s letters. I don’t have the heart to hurt her.

  Maybe it’s better if she just finds them herself. I glance toward Goji’s shack. “In his desk drawer. Right side.”

  She grins. “I’ll be right back. Whistle if you see someone coming.”

  “Okay, but hurry up.”

  She dashes up the path and disappears behind the blanket that hangs over the doorway. I lean on the easel like a crutch under my arm and wait.

  It’s taking Harmony forever and I’m starting to regret letting her go in there. By now she’s either sobbing over the letters she’s found or she’s breaking stuff. I hear a cough and follow the sound to where Doobie is sitting on the ground behind the shack. I whistle a Hermit Thrush imitation, mine and Harmony’s secret alarm signal.

  Doobie turns toward the sound and waves before I have time to hide. He jumps to his feet and walks toward me, dusting the back of his pants. Harmony flies out of the shack and runs smack-dab into Doobie, nearly toppling both of them.

  “Whoa, sis! Hey, what’re you guys up to?”

  She glances in my direction. “Nothing. We . . . we were just looking for Goji.”

  He grins. “He and his old lady went for a stroll.”

  I frown. “Rain’s not his old lady.”

  “Whatever you say, brother.” Doobie slides a joint from behind his ear. When he pulls a lighter from his pants pocket, a Zagnut wrapper floats to the ground. He grins. “Busted!”

  Harmony frowns at the wrapper. “Where’d you get that candy bar?”

  “Same place you were hoping to find one.” He lights the joint and offers it to me.

  I shake my head. “No thanks.”

  “Suit yourself.” He hands the joint to Harmony, who takes a puff and hands it back. Doobie sucks in a long drag and holds it. He pinches it off and tucks the roach into the top pocket of his shirt. He drops the peace sign and walks up the path toward where Mrs. Fuller and the sister-mothers are now hunched together at the community table.

  Harmony sighs. “I have some bad news.”

  I brace myself for the worst.

  “No candy. I looked in every drawer.”

  “Every drawer?”

  “Yeah. He must have eaten them. Or maybe Doobie did.”

  “Did you find anything else?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Anything cool or interesting?”

  Harmony gets quiet and just stares at me without saying anything. She turns away and crouches in front of the tree to refill the paper bag with the art supplies. “We’ll try again later.”

  “Why?”

  “Maybe he moved them to a different hiding place.”

  I can tell she’s getting off on sneaking behind Goji’s back. As we walk back toward the community table I keep glancing at her bag. Maybe she hid Gaia’s letters in there. Maybe she thinks I didn’t see them when I was snooping and doesn’t want me to know she stole them. Maybe she’s just waiting until after she reads them to tell me. Or maybe she knows I betrayed her and she’s planning to pummel me with the easel when I’m asleep.

  * * *

  Over dinner Mrs. Fuller states her case for wanting to join SFC.

  “Look, I know I’m a lot older than all of you, but I’ve been every age you are.” She turns toward Goji, who listens thoughtfully. “Every time I set foot in this community it feels like coming home to that idealistic version of myself, the dreams I lost somewhere along the way.”

  Goji leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. “You are like a flower, opening. So very beautiful. I think we should call you Lotus instead of Lois.”

  Harmony can’t contain herself. “I vote yes!”

  Goji laughs. “Well, it looks like one of us has initiated a poll.” He glances to his left, at Sirona.

  She smiles. “Yes.”

  “Yes,” Wave agrees, turning to me. Harmony nudges my side with her elbow.

  “Ouch. I mean yes.”

  Four more yesses until Goji’s turn. He looks directly at Mrs. Fuller. “How about we just take it one day at a time?”

  Mrs. Fuller nods. “I won’t change my mind, but sure, I can do that.”

  Goji smiles. “Welcome, Lotus.”

  “Welcome, Lotus,” we repeat.

  Aura tugs on Jade’s sleeve. “Can she sleep in our bed?”

  Wave clears his throat. “Actually, Willow and I have been meaning to ask if we could take over the old teepee. Maybe Lotus could have our room.”

  Everyone looks toward Goji for his reaction. He doesn’t hesitate. “It’d be good to have more people on the ground, another set of ears, just in case. . . .” He turns toward me. “While we’re on the subject, maybe someone should take Coyote’s place with Clover Blue.”

  Doobie raises his hand, looking at me. “It would be an honor to share a room with you, brother. If you’ll have me.”

  I’m unsure what to say. On the one hand, it’s nice having a room to myself but I do miss Coyote’s presence, even though he slept there only half the night.

  When Doobie sees me pause, his smile disappears. “It’s okay, man. I know Coyote’s shoes are hard to fill.”

  “No, no. I think it’d be great.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, of course, Doob.”

  Goji looks at Mrs. Fuller, who’s been soaking up every word like a sponge. “Perhaps you’d like to share Willow and Wave’s room with Harmony? Our little artist would do well to have a mentor by her side.”

  Harmony pumps her fist. “Yes!” When she sees Rain’s confused look she lowers her hand. “Wait. What about Rain?”

  Goji smiles at Rain. “A young woman needs her privacy.”

  Rain blushes. “Thank you,” she says.

  Goji leans forward, addressing our neighbor. “This is how Saffron Freedom Community works, Lotus. We are each notes of a symphony. And we’re pleased you’re joining our little orchestra.”

  Lotus folds her hands in her lap. “Thanks, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. I promise I’ll do my best to prove my worth here.”

  Sirona slurps a spoon of soup and groans happily. “This soup is a good start.”

  * * *

  As we’re getting ready for evening meditation, a truck speeds down the driveway and skids to a stop at the gate. A chubby man with graying temples gets out and stares at us over the driver’s-side door.

  Doobie walks toward the man. “Can I help you?”

  The man ignores Doobie and shouts past him, “Lois, have you lost your mind? Get your things and come home this instant.”

  Mrs. Fuller doesn’t answer him.

  “Lois, please. For the love of God.”

  Doobie tells Mr. Fuller to relax. “I’m sorry, man. I feel your pain. But maybe wait a couple days while you both cool down, ya know?”

  When he doesn’t answer, Doobie returns to the group and sits on the ground next to Mrs. Fuller. He whispers, “You okay?”

  She shocks us all when she crosses her legs, propping one foot on her thigh. “I’m fine.”

  “Wow, man. You’re pretty flexible for . . .”

  “For an old lady?”

  “No, no
I didn’t mean that. I just didn’t expect you to be so limber.”

  She pats Doobie on the knee. “Believe it or not I do stretches every day. And I’ve studied Transcendental Meditation.”

  Goji smiles at this. “Are we ready to begin?”

  We all close our eyes. I peek over toward the gate, where Mr. Fuller’s sad face looks like a kid who just dropped his ice cream cone. He gets back in the truck and pulls the door closed. I think for sure he’s going to punch it and burn rubber on the way out but he doesn’t. The truck slowly moves down the driveway and out of sight.

  22

  Sirona drops the four of us Youngers at the library while she runs errands. Moon and Aura run to the children’s section and snuggle into an overstuffed chair. In his wire-rimmed glasses, Moon looks like a smaller version of Wave, right down to the long bangs that fall over his eyes. Every once in a while he swings his head to one side, flipping the hair out of the way before it falls back over his glasses again as he reads to Aura.

  We’re not supposed to think of any particular family member as the son or daughter or a specific person. The whole idea of SFC is freedom from those kinds of social norms. But it’s natural to sense their connection when you see Aura and Coyote together. And if you stand Moon next to Wave, he’s basically a smaller version with a few of Sirona’s freckles thrown in.

  “You guys stay here,” Harmony says. “Blue and I need to study.”

  Harmony and I delve into our projects. Since moving into SFC, Lotus has become Harmony’s personal art mentor. She wants Harmony to learn about famous artists along with studying technique. Over the years we’ve both learned quite a bit about art history but Harmony is hungry for more. The librarians love helping her find the big bulky books filled with pictures of paintings, etchings, and sculptures.

  Harmony points to a photo of a dark-eyed woman in her book. “I really want to go to art school someday. I’m going to be like Frida Kahlo.”

  I lean over her book. “You’re going to grow a mustache?”

  Harmony shoves me but I can tell she’s trying not to laugh. “Shut up, Blue. She was a brilliant artist.”