Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  Harmony peeks her head in just as I’m piling a stack of wood in the corner of the teepee. “Whoa, this is far out!”

  At the sound of her voice I drop the log I was about to plant on the pyramid of wood. The whole pile tumbles into a mess in front of me. She runs over and starts picking up pieces of wood. “Sorry I startled you. Here, let me help.”

  “It’s okay, I’ve got it.” I take a small log from her. “You don’t have gloves on. You’ll get slivers.”

  She turns in a full circle, studying the new decorations. “This is so much cooler than when Ruth and I lived in here.” Harmony missed most of Willow and Wave’s move-in because she and Moon spent the afternoon running errands with some of the Olders in town.

  “Yeah, they did a great job.” I finish stacking the wood, being extra careful to set the last log lightly on the top before moving toward the door.

  “Hey, where you going in such a hurry?”

  “I need to feed Sunny.”

  “I’ll go with you.”

  I pause a moment too long and she feels it.

  “You don’t want me to come along, do you?”

  “No. I mean yeah, sure I do.”

  She sets her mouth in a tight line. “Look, whatever that was last night, let’s not make it weird, okay?”

  “I’m not making it weird.”

  She pushes past me, opening the flap and stepping out of the teepee. When I join her outside she smirks at me. “Yeah, you are.”

  I shrug my shoulders. It does feel awkward. Why did I kiss her like that?

  “Come on. Let’s go feed Sunny.”

  She walks toward the shed where we keep the kibble, her ponytail swinging like a hypnotic pendulum with each step as I follow.

  * * *

  Before our family dinner Goji leads a blessing ceremony for the newly refurbished teepee. Chanting, he carries a large owl feather to fan the smoke in every direction of the room from a burning bundle of sage. Afterward we follow him up into the tree house, where he does the same for Willow and Wave’s old room that Harmony and Lotus now share. We all start back toward the stairs.

  Doobie clears his throat. “Do you think you might bless me and my buddy’s space, too?”

  Goji looks at the bundle of sage. All that’s left is just a stub with a blackened head. Doobie pulls a joint from behind his ear and smiles. Goji lights the joint and takes a drag, then blows the smoke into our room before passing it to Wave, who does the same. The joint travels down the line until it reaches me. I take a puff and blow it out without inhaling. Harmony snatches it from me before anyone can stop her and takes a final pull, before heaving into an insane coughing fit. I slap her on the back and she drops to her knees.

  Sirona rushes past us and hovers over Harmony. “Are you okay?”

  Harmony looks up, grinning. “Yeah, I was just messing with you.”

  She takes another puff, inhaling deeply, then blows out three perfect little o’s. When she sees us all staring at her she laughs. “What’s the big deal? You all know I grew up with a pro.”

  Sirona takes the roach from Harmony and stabs it out on the trunk running through the middle of the tree house. “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

  * * *

  Harmony joins me in my room, where she lounges in Coyote’s hammock with her sketchbook while I read from a book of poems by Hafiz that Goji assigned. Just before sunset she jumps up and runs to my window. We both watch as Gaia’s faded blue VW bug rumbles into the main compound.

  Gaia climbs out and stands in front of the car. The hood has a huge yellow peace sign painted on it. Her hair is twisted into dozens of long braids, half of them piled high on her head and tied with a long scarf. With her long ruffled skirt and bare feet she looks like something straight out of National Geographic.

  Gaia looks around until she spots most of the others gathered near the fire pit. When Goji sees her walking toward them, the Olders instantly turn to gauge his reaction. They fall away when he moves toward Gaia and opens his arms.

  “Welcome home,” he says in a voice much louder than his usual, measured tone. He whispers something into her ear before stepping away.

  I nudge Harmony. “Should we go down?”

  She shakes her head. “I’ve waited years. She can wait until I’m damn well ready.”

  Harmony disappears into her own room. I’m torn between following her and seeing Gaia. I feel bad for Harmony but I really miss Gaia and I’m hoping we can all start over. As the family gathers around our long-lost sister-mother, I hesitate for just a moment before climbing down the stairs and running toward them.

  Gaia turns toward Doobie and playfully sticks out her bottom lip. “I’ve really missed you, brother.” When she takes a step toward him he flinches and she feels it. She glances down to see Lotus holding his hand. “Hey, sister, I’m Gaia. And you are . . .” Her forehead crinkles as she suddenly recognizes the woman standing next to Doobie. “Wait, Mrs. Fuller?”

  Lotus lets go of Doobie’s hand to embrace Gaia. “Hello, Gaia. I go by Lotus now.”

  Gaia throws back her head, laughing. “Holy shit! Nothing is permanent but change, right?”

  Rain steps forward. “Do you remember me?”

  Gaia stares into Rain’s face and smiles. “Of course I remember you. But you looked really different then. Straight-laced and baby-faced. You cried most of the way here. Your name is—”

  “Rain. It’s Rain now.”

  I edge my way forward. When Gaia sees me, she slaps her hand over her mouth, tears spilling out of her eyes. She lunges toward me. “Whoa, look how tall you’ve gotten!”

  Gaia wraps me in a bear hug, nearly smothering me in patchouli-scented kisses. I’d forgotten how much I love her hugs. She pulls back, holding my hands. “Look at you all grown up. Ha! And so handsome.” She glances behind me. “Where’s Harmony?”

  I look up toward the tiny light coming from Harmony and Lotus’s side of the tree house. “I think she just needs a little more time.”

  “It’s okay. She’s probably as nervous as I am.”

  One by one the rest of the Olders embrace Gaia. To each of them, she holds her hands in the prayer mudra and says, “I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.” By the time she gets to Willow, everyone has tears, including me. Willow hesitates a moment longer than the rest before leaning in to embrace Gaia.

  Goji motions for Gaia to follow him toward his shack. “Let’s you and me chat for a bit while we wait for Harmony.”

  Doobie builds a fire and we sit around on stumps passing the time. I poke at a flaming log with a stick. “Do you think he’ll let her stay?”

  Wave pats me on the knee. “We’ll all decide together, you know that.”

  “Yeah, but he has a way of deciding what we decide.”

  Wave is tuning his guitar when Gaia and Goji return. Wave smiles and starts singing a John Denver song. We all know this one so everyone starts singing. Gaia turns her face away from us, but the longer the song goes the more her tears flow. The main lyric goes, “You fill up my senses,” but most of the others probably don’t realize the actual title is “Annie’s Song.” Or remember that Annie is Harmony’s real first name.

  I move next to Gaia and lightly touch her arm. “Do you want me to try to convince her to come down?”

  She glances toward the tree house and shakes her head. “She’ll come to me when she’s ready.”

  28

  I don’t expect to see Harmony at sun salutation but Lotus has coaxed her down. Lotus has one arm draped protectively over our sister’s shoulder as they walk toward the mats. Harmony keeps her head down in an attempt to avoid eye contact with her mom, but it’s not necessary. Gaia has overslept, something she often did when she lived here. Goji let Gaia sleep in the Sacred Space last night. Rain offered to share her room but Gaia didn’t want to crowd Harmony, who’d be just a few feet away in her room with Lotus.

  It isn’t until after breakfast that Gaia shows up while Ha
rmony and I are washing dishes. She sits at the empty table and rests her chin on her hand, watching us.

  “Hey, little angel.”

  Harmony ignores her.

  “I know you’re pissed, honey, but believe me, you were better off here than traipsing all over the place with me. I’ve settled down now. I’m living outside Portland, in a really nice place. I think you’d love it there.”

  Harmony glares at Gaia. She clenches the dish towel in her fist. “You’re right. I’m better off here. You can go back to wherever you live now.”

  “Harmony . . .” I say it under my breath.

  Her green eyes are fierce below a fringe of long bangs. “What? I should just forget that she abandoned me like so much garbage?”

  Gaia stands. “That’s not true and you know it. I love you with every cell in my being. Love is why I chose to let you stay here.”

  “Let me? Like I had a choice? You took off and never came back.”

  “I came back. . . .”

  Harmony snorts. “Three years later! And then you left again. Am I supposed to be all grateful? Pretend that it didn’t hurt? That I didn’t cry myself to sleep for six months after I realized you weren’t coming back? I was nine years old. Nine fucking years old!”

  I look around to see if anyone heard Harmony cuss, but everyone seems to be giving her space. Or hiding.

  “I know. I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling.”

  “You don’t know. And you’re not sorry. Not for me. You’re just sorry for yourself. It’s always all about you.”

  Gaia takes a step toward us. “I planned to leave you alone. I didn’t expect you to forgive me. But Jade forwarded a letter to me. From the government. I’ve been using the Freestone address here so SFC would get the welfare checks and the food stamps. They need me, need us, to come in to verify that—”

  “Let me guess. You want me to lie for you. Tell them you were here being mommy.”

  “God, Harmony, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

  “If I do it, you’ll leave?”

  Gaia wipes her eye with the back of her hand. “If that’s what you want, yes.”

  Harmony tosses the towel on the ground. “Fine. I’ll do it.” She marches off toward the path behind the garden.

  Gaia watches until Harmony is out of sight. “She hates me.”

  I shake my head. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just mad.”

  Gaia tries to smile but it breaks on her face. “She always had a temper. She’s passionate like me.”

  “Give her time.”

  “Will you talk to her, Blue? If she doesn’t come with me to Social Services they’ll show up here. They could decide it’s not safe for her or Moon and Aura. And it could be bad for you, too. For everyone here.”

  “When do you have to go?”

  “They set the appointment for two o’clock this Friday in Santa Rosa.”

  “I’ll try.” Three days from now . . . that’s way too much time for Harmony to change her mind. “She’s pretty stubborn.”

  “I know. But I see the way she looks at you. She loves you, Blue. She’ll listen to you.”

  “Maybe. But maybe not.”

  I find Harmony under our favorite willow tree, hovered over her sketch pad. Sunny sits beside her, his tongue hanging out, panting. The two of them probably ran the whole way. More like she ran and Sunny tried to keep up with her.

  I drop next to her. “Hey.”

  Harmony has her finger on the lead of the pencil, scrubbing the page furiously as she shades the area around Gaia’s portrait. She doesn’t try to hide her sketch from me like she usually would. Lotus has given her more confidence, but I’m pretty sure she’s more driven by emotion than boldness right now.

  The drawing perfectly captures Gaia’s high cheekbones, wide forehead, full lips, and hooded eyes. Gaia claims to be one-eighth Native American, which would make Harmony one-sixteenth, I guess. They both have darker skin than me, but when you live like we do, it’s hard to tell how much is actual skin color.

  Without looking up she says, “She asked you to make sure I’d go to social services with her, didn’t she?”

  “Yeah. You gonna go?”

  “I said I would, didn’t I?”

  “She’s worried you’ll change your mind.”

  Harmony closes her sketch pad. “Did you hear what she said? She didn’t just put me at risk. She jeopardized the whole community by gaming the system.”

  “She wanted the Olders to have money and food for you. She was looking out for us. She didn’t have to do that.”

  “But it’s illegal. She could go to jail. And if they start nosing around, so could Willow and Wave and most of the rest of the Olders. And then what would happen?”

  I drop my head. “I don’t want to think about it.”

  “Me neither. Which is why I’ll go to the damn appointment with Ruth.”

  I run my thumb over the back of Harmony’s hand. She leans into my shoulder and sighs. I want to protect her. I want to believe that Gaia wants to protect her. And that Goji will protect all of us from the peering eyes of nosy social workers.

  * * *

  While we were gone, Gaia prepared an amazing meal of sweet-and-sour veggies, pineapple fried rice, and her famous kickass salad. Harmony sits on the same side of the table as Gaia so she doesn’t have to make eye contact with her mother. But the only person Gaia is looking at is Doobie. And he’s looking back. It’s an oddly quiet meal with everyone looking around at each other while they quietly chew.

  Finally, Gaia stands and carries her dish toward the washtubs. “You all go take it easy. I’ll clean up.”

  This makes everyone’s eyes go wide. First, she made dinner. Now she’s offering to wash and dry dishes. Gaia used to make excuses not to cook or do KP duty.

  Doobie jumps to his feet and starts clearing dishes. “I’ll help you.”

  * * *

  I wake to footsteps next to my bed. When I open my eyes, a pair of bare feet slip past my mattress and through the doorway. As soon as he’s out the door I peek out the window. Doobie tiptoes down the path toward the Sacred Space. He stops to pee along the way, then disappears out of sight. I listen for Lotus but she must have left before him. I picture the three of them, Lotus, Gaia, and Doobie, and immediately try to erase the image. I put my pillow over my head and eventually fall back asleep.

  * * *

  Doobie and Gaia are missing from sun salutation. Lotus moves through the poses like thread through a needle. Her breathing is slow and even. When we finish morning yoga she makes us all apple pancakes. Gaia and Doobie show up halfway through breakfast looking like a couple of rumpled scarecrows with their hair all mussed and wearing nothing but crooked smiles. They both reek of pot.

  Lotus smiles at the giddy couple. “Have a seat. There’s plenty more.” She slides a stack of pancakes onto their plates, then sits on the other side of Doobie.

  He giggles nervously. “Thanks, Lotus. I’m starving.”

  Gaia shovels a forkful into her mouth. “Whoa, sister, these are amazing.”

  Lotus pats Moon on the arm. “Since you’ve cleaned your plate so quickly, would you take your little sister to look for eggs? I used up the last one making breakfast.”

  “Sure. C’mon, Aura.”

  When the Youngers disappear toward the chicken coop, Lotus gently sets her fork on the table. “Look, I knew what I was getting into. Free love. Free spirits. Free from expectations.” She turns to Doobie. “You’re free.” She stands and walks toward the counter with her plate. “And so am I.”

  Doobie chases after Lotus as she heads up the path. When she reaches the outhouse she turns and holds her hand up. Doobie turns and slowly walks back toward the table.

  29

  On Friday morning Gaia trades her hippie clothes for a plain white blouse and black slacks from the thrift store. Willow pins Gaia’s braids into a bun, then wraps her head with a scarf and tops it with a big sun hat. Harmony is wear
ing a sleeveless dress with her hair pulled into a high ponytail. I hardly recognize the two of them as they walk past me toward the VW bug for their social services appointment.

  I catch up to them just as they’re getting into the car. “Hang on!”

  Gaia leans Harmony seat to look at me through the passenger window. “What is it, Blue?”

  “Can I come along?”

  “I don’t think that’d be a good idea. If they start asking questions. . .”

  “I’ll just say I’m a friend.”

  “You need to check with Goji.” Gaia pats the front seat.

  “C’mon, Annie.”

  Harmony turns to me. “We’re practicing our real names so I don’t mess up.”

  “Goji’s not here. He and Rain went somewhere on an errand.”

  Gaia looks from Harmony to me. “Okay. But you’ll have to stay in the waiting room.” She glances at my bare feet. “And you need to put on some shoes.”

  I hold up the sneakers I was hiding behind my back and grin.

  “Lean forward, Har . . . Annie. He’ll have to sit in back.”

  I squeeze into the tiny backseat. Gaia shifts into gear and the VW putt-putts through the gate and onto the road. As we tool along Bodega Highway, Gaia turns up the radio. With the windows down and all that wind I can’t make out a word. I push a pile of clothes aside to make room so I can put on my shoes. A syringe rolls off the seat and onto the floor. I pick it up and inspect it in front of my knees, out of their line of sight. I pull out the plunger, then push it in again. When we go over a bump I accidentally stick myself in the finger.

  “Ow!”

  Gaia turns to try to see me. “What’s going on back there?”