Her Secret Cowboy

by Marin Thomas

  “I don’t want to have a cesarean,” she said. “I can do this on my own.”

  “I had Ryan by cesarean,” Marsha said.

  Shannon’s eyes widened.

  “And I was terrified.”

  “Why did your doctor perform a cesarean?”

  “Ryan’s head was too large to fit through the birth canal.”

  Shannon’s grip on Marsha’s hand tightened. “The doctor said the baby’s heartbeat is slowing.”

  “Trust your doctor, Shannon.”

  “What if they hurt the baby?”

  Marsha’s pulse raced at the sound of panic in Shannon’s voice. “They’ll be very careful.” She’d felt the same helplessness when she’d run into complications delivering Ryan—only she’d been all alone in the delivery room.

  That’s because you chose not to tell Will or your parents.

  “How painful is the recovery?” Shannon asked.

  “For a woman who once rode bulls—” Marsha smiled behind her surgical mask “—a walk in the park.”

  Johnny appeared on the opposite side of the operating table and held his wife’s hand.

  “Are we ready to have this baby?” the doctor asked.

  Shannon released her grip on Marsha’s fingers. “Thank you.”

  “I’ll let you two experience this amazing miracle together.” Marsha made a hasty escape, not wanting Johnny or Shannon to see the tears in her eyes. Outside the delivery room she leaned against the wall and willed her pounding heart to slow down.

  The consequences of her actions in high school had hit her full force when she’d walked into the delivery room—she’d denied Will the opportunity to see his son born. Yes, he’d insisted she have an abortion and maybe he wouldn’t have wanted to be with her during the delivery, but it had been his choice to make—not hers.

  She removed her gloves, mask and gown and tossed them into a hamper by the door, then returned to the waiting room, where Mack told her that Will had gone to the cafeteria. After reassuring the brothers that Shannon would be fine, she went in search of Will and found him sitting in the shade on the patio.

  “Mind if I join you?” she asked when she approached his table.

  Will used his boot to push the chair out across from him. “How’s Shannon?”

  “Scared.” She sat then waited for Will to speak. He didn’t, so she brought up the subject that was on both their minds. “Everything was going fine with my pregnancy until two weeks before my delivery date.”

  Will remained silent—he wasn’t going to let her off easy.

  “The ultrasound showed Ryan’s head was too large to fit through the birth canal.” She tried to lighten the mood. “You know what they say...smart kids and jocks all have big heads.”

  Will didn’t crack a smile. “Your parents must have been worried.”

  “They didn’t know I was pregnant. They learned about Ryan when they visited me in California the summer after he was born.”

  “You went through the whole pregnancy alone?” he asked.

  Her eyes stung when she recalled Johnny holding Shannon’s hand in the operating room. “I believed I was doing the right thing.”

  “And now?” His voice sounded rusty.

  “I wish you’d have been there to hold my hand through the operation.”

  Will pushed his chair out and stood. “Walk with me.” They strolled across the patio to a bench which had more privacy. There wasn’t much room for one person on the seat, never mind two.

  A tingle spread through her thigh where it rubbed against Will’s leg. Her physical attraction to him had never been an issue—actually she’d developed a bad habit of comparing the few men she’d dated to Will. She’d never been able to shake his bad-boy image from her memory and even now he projected an aura of approach-at-your-own-risk, which excited her.

  Before she got too carried away with her thoughts, she asked the question that had been on her mind since arriving in Stagecoach. “What happened between you and Buck? I feel terrible that you two had a falling-out.”

  Leaning forward, Will clasped his hands between his knees. “We got into a fight over you.”

  “There’s never been anything remotely romantic between me and Buck. We’re just friends.”

  “He said that.” Will’s gaze glanced off her. “Buck should have told me over a year ago that Ryan was my son and not promised you he’d keep your secret.”

  Marsha felt horrible that she’d come between the brothers. “I wonder how things would have worked out for everyone, if I’d raised Ryan in Stagecoach.”

  “That was never an option, was it?” Will asked.

  She shook her head. “I knew if I didn’t leave town, I’d never go to college.”

  “What do you think you would have done, if you’d stayed?”

  “I’d have become involved in my father’s church and probably would have taught Sunday-school classes.”

  She shuddered as she recalled the feelings she’d struggled with as a teenager. Since she and Will had opened this discussion, she wanted to be totally honest with him. “I was scared to death when I found out I was pregnant with Ryan.”

  “And I was scared out of my mind when you told me,” Will said.

  “I almost went through with an abortion.”

  “What stopped you?”

  “My conscience. The longer I sat in the waiting room the more excuses I came up with for keeping my baby.”

  “Like what?”

  “For one, I didn’t want to disappoint my father or mother.”

  “Then why not tell them that you were pregnant?” Will asked.

  “I believed my father would make trouble for you. And since I was the one who kept saying it was okay when you tried to stop....”

  Will reached for her hand. “If anyone was to blame, Marsha, it was me. I knew better not to have sex without a condom.”

  “You offered to stop, but I wouldn’t let you. Remember?”

  He grinned. “You were impatient.”

  She nodded, feeling light-headed with relief now that she’d confessed to Will.

  “Right now I’m wishing you had remained in Stagecoach. Who knows, maybe I would have gotten used to the idea of being a father. We might not have married, but I could have been there for Ryan.”

  “I’ve thought about that plenty, Will, but it would never have happened.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My father would have intervened and made you miserable until you agreed to keep your distance from me and Ryan.”

  “Your father has never thought highly of me or my brothers.”

  “No, he hasn’t, but old age has mellowed him.”

  “What was your parents’ reaction when they saw Ryan?”

  “My father was disappointed that I’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock but proud of me for having the courage to keep the baby. Mom was thrilled to be a grandma.”

  “They didn’t demand you reveal the identity of Ryan’s father?”

  “They nagged me for months then finally quit when I showed them I could manage school and raise Ryan on my own. I took him to the campus day care when I was in class.”

  “Were you afraid I’d try to take Ryan away from you, if you’d told me after he was born?”

  “That never crossed my mind.”

  “Then why didn’t you contact me? You’ve had more than enough time to find a way to tell me I was a father.”

  She’d often envisioned herself having this conversation with Will but had never imagined him being this calm or reasonable. The Will Cash sitting next to her wasn’t the same guy she’d gone to the prom with. He’d changed. Matured. Grown up. And he deserved the truth no matter how bad it made her look.

  “I wa
s selfish,” she said. “I wanted to earn a master’s degree, then a doctorate. After I’d graduated with a B.S. in chemistry, I was offered a teaching internship at UCLA. I thought if I’d told you about Ryan, we’d end up in court fighting over shared custody and—”

  “I’d ruin your plans.”

  “I did what I felt was best.”

  “For you. Not for Ryan or for me.”

  “For me and for Ryan.” She held Will’s gaze. “Have you ever met Hillary Bancroft? She was a friend of mine in high school.”

  “I know who she is,” Will said. “She works at the hair salon in Stagecoach.”

  “I kept in touch with Hillary through the years and she—”

  “Told you what I was up to?”

  Darn, he was good at finishing her thoughts. “I was waiting for you to settle down and find a stable job, but you were rodeoing and...”

  “Chasing after girls.”

  Marsha nodded. “So I focused on my own career, knowing I’d be the one supporting Ryan and paying for his college.”

  Marsha’s words smacked Will hard and his chest felt as if it had caved in. “You never gave me a chance to prove myself. Had I known about Ryan I would have quit rodeo and found a decent job, so I could pay child support.” His words sounded confident, but Will wasn’t sure he’d have come through for Marsha. Back then, he’d been a hell-raiser and more concerned with partying than figuring out what he wanted to do with his life.

  “I don’t resent you for the choices you’ve made,” she said. “We are who we are.”

  He gaped at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  There was sympathy in her eyes when she smiled at him. “You’re thirty-two and you live in a bunkhouse with your brothers.”

  The muscle along his jaw knotted and she must have sensed she’d offended him because she said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you live. I’m saying that maybe things worked out for the best.”

  “For the daughter of a pastor who spent her fair share of hours inside a church, you don’t have much faith in people, do you?”

  She gasped.

  Will shot off the bench and walked away then stopped and faced her. “I can’t change the past, but I intend to show you that there’s more to Will Cash than what meets the eye.” His phone beeped and he scanned the text from Porter. “Shannon had the baby.”

  In silence, he and Marsha rode the elevator to the maternity ward. When they entered the waiting room, his brothers were passing out pink-labeled cigars.

  Mack grinned. “It’s a girl.”

  “Nate’s not going to like having to play dolls with his new cousin,” Will said. The brothers chuckled. “Have they named her yet?”

  “They’re naming her Ada for Grandma and for Dixie’s little girl,” Conway said.

  “Dixie’s okay with that?” Will asked. He turned to Marsha and said quietly, “Dixie lost her baby daughter before she and Gavin had Nate.”

  Porter nodded. “Shannon and Dixie talked about it before the baby was born.”

  “Anybody get a hold of Buck and tell him?” Will asked.

  Porter shook his head. “We left messages on his phone, but he hasn’t responded to any of our calls.” The brothers swung their gazes toward Marsha and her face paled.

  “When can we see the baby?” Will asked.

  “Right now.” Johnny waltzed into the room, wearing a smile, but looking as if he’d gone ten rounds with a rank bronc.

  “Congratulations, big brother,” Mack said, patting Johnny’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, how does it feel to be a daddy?” Conway asked.

  Before Johnny spoke, Porter said, “You’re the first of us brothers to have a baby and it’s only fitting it was a girl seeing how close you’ve always been to Dixie.”

  Will stood in stunned silence, listening to his brothers. It was as if they’d forgotten all about Will being a father. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Marsha duck from the room.

  Conway jabbed his fist into Mack’s shoulder. “I bet you’re gonna be a father next.”

  “No, way. I’m staying single for a while.”

  “Yeah, well don’t wait too long or Nate and my daughter will be too old to play with your kids,” Johnny said. “C’mon, I’ll show you where the nursery is. Little Addy has a ton of black hair.”

  The brothers turned toward the door, then froze when they saw Will. “Congratulations, Johnny.” Will took off—the last thing he wanted to see was his baby niece through a nursery window, knowing he’d been robbed of that moment with Ryan.

  You might have missed Ryan’s birth but that doesn’t mean you can’t experience other firsts with your son.

  The voice in his head soothed Will’s tortured soul and when he reached the lobby and found Marsha waiting for him, he’d decided that no one would rob him of his right to be a father.

  * * *

  FRIDAY MARSHA WOKE to construction sounds—saws and hammering. She trudged into the bathroom, took a shower, then applied her makeup and dressed for the day. She’d grab a quick breakfast before she logged on to the university website and tutored math students the rest of the morning.

  When she entered the kitchen, her parents had already eaten and her father’s head was buried in the newspaper. Marsha poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table.

  “You haven’t said much about your lunch with Will yesterday.” Her mother set a banana and a bowl of cereal in front of Marsha.

  “Thanks, Mom.” She ate her cereal, feeling her father’s penetrating gaze through the newspaper. “Our lunch got interrupted.”

  “Oh?” her mother said.

  “Johnny’s wife went into labor and we drove to the hospital to wait for her to have the baby.”

  “What did Shannon have?” her mother asked.

  “A little girl. They named her Ada after the brothers’ grandmother.” She expected a comment from her father, but his face remained hidden behind the paper.

  She’d had hours to think last night, because sleep had eluded her. She acknowledged that there was nothing she could do to make up for keeping Ryan and Will apart, but from here on out she could guarantee that Will had opportunities to be with his son—beginning today.

  Ryan stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. “How come they’re making so much noise?” He removed a box of his favorite cereal from the pantry then a bowl from the cupboard. Ryan wasn’t a morning person—he claimed his brain didn’t turn on until lunchtime.

  “It’s hot in Arizona, in case you haven’t noticed.” She ruffled his hair and he groaned. “Construction workers like to start early before the heat of the day settles in.”

  “Do we have any plans later?” Ryan asked.

  “Nope. I’m working this morning,” Marsha said. “You can hang out and do whatever you want until Will finishes for the day.”

  Ryan’s head jerked toward her at the same time her father folded over the corner of the newspaper and stared.

  “Why does it matter when Will quits working?” Ryan asked.

  “I thought it would be nice if you spent the weekend with your dad.”

  Ryan’s eyes rounded and she braced herself for an argument.

  “I don’t want to spend the weekend with him.”

  “I’m sure the two of you will get along fine and have fun.” She prayed she was doing the right thing.

  “Marsha,” her father said. “If Ryan doesn’t feel comfortable with William yet, then—”

  “He’ll never feel comfortable if he doesn’t get to know his father. And he can’t get to know Will unless he spends time with him,” she said.

  “Why do I have to stay the whole weekend?” Ryan asked. “Can’t I go for the day then come home?”

  “No.” She glared at
her father over the rim of her coffee mug, daring him to interfere.

  “But Grandpa and I haven’t finished our chess game.”

  “The chess game can wait,” Marsha said.

  Ryan swung his pleading gaze to his grandfather. “Tell Mom I don’t have to go, Grandpa.”

  Marsha and her father locked gazes.

  “Listen to your mother, Ryan.” Her father got up from his chair and walked out of the room.

  “This sucks,” Ryan muttered then winced. “Sorry, Grandma. I meant to say this stinks.” He shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth then mumbled, “I’m not going to have any fun.”

  “I know,” Marsha said.

  “Then why are you making me go?”

  She could hardly admit she hoped to appease her own guilt. “Because.” If she let him, her son would go round and round in circles with her for hours.

  “What does it matter if I get to know him better? We live in California and he lives here.”

  Will had made the same point yesterday—like father like son. How did she think the two males would form a bond if they saw each other every few years? She’d made the decision to bring Ryan and Will together and she had to give them every possible opportunity to be father and son even if that meant returning to Stagecoach each summer for a week or two no matter how busy their schedules became. And if they ran into a conflict, then she’d invite Will to California.

  “C’mon, Mom. Next week I’ll do something with Will,” Ryan said.

  Marsha refused to give in to Ryan. She carried her cup and bowl to the sink. “Pack enough clothes for two days and take the sleeping bag Grandma has in the closet and your bed pillow.” She paused in the kitchen doorway. “And don’t take your e-reader with you.”

  Ryan’s groan echoed in her ear as she retreated down the hallway.

  Chapter Nine

  “What are you and Ryan going to do?” Conway asked.

  “I have no idea.” Will stood next to his brother Friday evening staring out the barn doors as they watched Ryan and the twins play tic-tac-toe in the dirt by the porch.