Dane

by Leddy Harper

  “I’ll call down and let them know to expect you. Just tell them Dane Kauffmann sent you.”

  She stilled, her motionless chest hinting at her halted breaths.

  “See you in the morning, Eden.” I winked at her and then exited my office, leaving her behind in stunned silence. All the while, my grin never wavered. I shouldn’t have been hopeful, I shouldn’t have been smiling, but I couldn’t help it.

  I braced myself before opening the front door. I didn’t know what I’d find once I walked in. I didn’t know what condition she’d be in or how dark my day would get. I prayed for the best and unlocked the deadbolt.

  “Gabi,” I called out into the quiet room.

  I heard rustling on the couch, but I couldn’t see her. When I walked closer, I found her curled up with a blanket, crying to herself. I knelt on the floor in front of her, mere inches from her face.

  “Gabriella, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” I begged with soft, coaxing words, hoping they’d help calm her down.

  But they didn’t.

  They never did.

  She shook her head and closed her eyes, keeping it all inside like she always did. She’d begged me to be with her, I’d dropped everything and came home, but now she met me with total indifference. Always a contradiction and conundrum.

  Looking at her, it was hard to miss the drastic change in her over the years. I could vividly remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her…in the tenth grade. She was always quiet and kept to herself, but wherever she was, my eyes would follow. She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.

  Even though she had aged some—much like we all do after twelve years—and the stressors of life had altered her appearance dramatically, I could still see a glimpse of that girl I’d fallen in love with. It was what kept the hope alive. She had the biggest dark-brown eyes, and they captivated me from the very first glance. Some used to say they were too big for her face, but in my opinion, they held so much life. They were the perfect size. They fit her. She still had those same eyes, but more recently, they were bloodshot and dim. She cried all the time, and the life they once held was almost smothered. It killed me to look into them. I wanted to make her happy again…but I didn’t know how.

  “Gabi, can you look at me, please? Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

  Her eyes opened into mere slits as more tears fell. It nearly gutted me.

  “She would have been born today.” Her words were soft and broken between sobs.

  Fuck. It hadn’t even occurred to me. Somehow, I’d completely forgotten, and it officially made me the biggest dick in the world. I hung my head and took a deep breath, attempting to shove down the regret and anger enough to offer her the support she needed.

  “I’m so sorry, Gabs. I wasn’t even thinking about what day it was.”

  Last night, Gabi was at home, in pain, while I was at a bar, conversing with another woman. When Gabi woke up this morning, I was gone. I was at work, hiring the same woman who’d kept me away last night. I hadn’t been here with Gabriella, I didn’t comfort her, I didn’t grieve with her. I hadn’t been where I was supposed to be.

  I’d moved on.

  I wasn’t stuck in neutral like she was. I only wished she could move on with me, because the more she dug her heels into the ground, the more strain it put on me. And I wasn’t interested in hovering in neutral, or lingering in a damaged state. I longed for happiness—to laugh and smile like I had last night. I was desperate for my heart to ricochet off my ribcage the way it had this morning. Only, Gabi needed to be the one who made those things possible. Not someone else.

  Her big brown eyes closed again, and then the heartbreaking sobs followed. I hated how much pain she was in—how much pain she was always in. She had been through enough in her life, and all I wanted to do was protect her. If I could be her salvation, I’d give her everything and take away the endless suffering.

  I needed her to give me something.

  Show me something.

  “You forgot,” she said through sobs, tears filling her words. “How could you forget? It’s as if she meant nothing to you. You didn’t care about her? Love her? Or me?”

  Her accusatory questions had me balling my fists. I hated it when she turned it around on me. She made it sound like I was insensitive, which maybe I was. But I left work early to be with her. She called and I came running. I didn’t know why she constantly had to question my devotion to her.

  “I wasn’t paying attention to the date. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care about…her. And it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t.”

  “You’re only here out of obligation. After what happened to me…”

  “No. That’s not it at all.” Sure, I’d do anything to protect her, to heal her. But that wasn’t why I stayed. No matter how many times I said it, she’d never believe me. I was there because I loved her—I had always loved her. Things had gotten bad recently, but every road to happily-ever-after has bumps. That’s what my grandma used to always tell me. “Gabriella, listen to me. Look at me and listen, okay?”

  She stared into my eyes, and I almost lost the nerve to speak. She looked so sad and disheartened. It made me angry to see her that way. Maybe that’s what the problem had been lately. She was depressed and it pissed me off—infuriated me because I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t help her. I only made things worse. The further away she pushed me, the less desire I had to be near her. My anger and hesitation to be home only set her back more. It was an endless cycle. One I wasn’t sure how to end.

  “I love you. Got it? I’m not going anywhere. I think I’ve proven that, and I need for you to believe me. But I also think you should speak with someone. Maybe look into seeing Dr. Greiner again.”

  She began to violently shake her head.

  “Listen, Gabi. Sitting around here, locked away in your head, isn’t helping anything. It’s not getting any better. You’re not helping yourself by doing this.” I was lost. I kept hoping she would show signs of improvement. I’d clung desperately to pure hope, but it was actually getting worse.

  “Therapy didn’t work and neither did the doctor. All he did was put me on pills that made me feel drunk all the time. Being numb, not feeling, that’s no way to live. I have to experience the emotion and pain. If I don’t, I might forget her...like you did.”

  “I didn’t forget. I just wasn’t paying attention to the calendar.” I was close to losing my patience and gritted my teeth against the words my mouth threatened to spew in her direction. I was seconds away from telling her my refusal to dwell on the things I cannot change did not equate to forgetting. It didn’t mean I didn’t care, and it certainly didn’t diminish my feelings for either of them. All it meant was I chose to not end my life over the loss of another. But I couldn’t tell her any of that, so I bit my tongue. I’d never be able to tell her that.

  “You weren’t here!”

  I climbed onto the couch, on my knees, and leaned over her. I had her face cradled in my hands, forcing her to look at me, and then waited for her to calm down enough to hear me. “You aren’t here, Gabi. You’re never here. I need you. I miss you.” My voice cracked, bleeding the words I desperately needed her to recognize. “I can’t continue to sit here and watch you fall apart. It’s killing me.” I pressed my forehead to hers and whispered, “It’s killing me.”

  “I don’t know how to fix it. It hurts so bad.”

  “What hurts, baby? Talk to me. Let me help.”

  She shook her head and pushed me away. “You can’t. This is my punishment. God took our baby because of me. Because of what I’ve done…”

  “What did you do?” I stared into her tear-filled eyes, her pain penetrating my soul. “No, Gabs. That wasn’t your fault. When will you accept it was never your fault? Please, talk to someone. If you can’t talk to me, then call Dr. Greiner. Or we’ll find another doctor.”

  “It won’t do any good.”

&nb
sp; “Don’t say that. You don’t know. I miss us, Gabi. I miss the way we were. I’m here to support you, but I want to be happy, too.”

  “And that’s exactly what I want,” she finally admitted, and it made me smile. It was the first time in months Gabi had made me smile, and it made me wish I could give her the world. Right at that moment, I knew she would find her way. I had faith in us. I still held on to hope.

  I leaned in and kissed her chapped lips. They had been chapped for so long, probably due to the amount of salt they came in contact with from her endless tears. But chapped or not, I kissed them.

  3

  After getting Gabi calm and settled into bed with a book, I headed down to the beach for a run. I’d had so much pent-up stress eating at me lately. I needed to get rid of it somehow. I ran in the sand until the sun began to drift behind the horizon. Then I turned around to head home. My steps began to falter the closer I got, and by the time I made it to the front of my building, the sky had completely darkened.

  Ahead of me, I saw the waves crashing against the pier, beckoning me closer. So instead of going upstairs, I headed a little farther down the beach to my favorite spot. Honestly, it was more like an oversized dock. No one ever used it anymore except to fish off during the day. At night, it became secluded and was all mine. I turned up the music on my iPod and planted the earbuds in place as I walked down the rickety planks to sit in my preferred dark corner.

  Just after the third song, I noticed a shadowy figure down the pier. As the person came closer, the moon’s light began to brighten her face. My smile widened before I could stop it. I turned off the music, and slowly took my earbuds out.

  “Stalking me?” I asked when she stood only a few feet away.

  She jumped and covered her chest, as if to catch her heart from falling to her feet. “Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me.” She sounded breathless, and it made me laugh.

  I stood up so she could see me better and asked, “What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing.” Her soft laughs breathed life into her words. “I went for a walk and this place looked empty, so I figured I’d stop before heading home.”

  I didn’t ask her to, but she sat down anyway. We’d kind of left things unsaid earlier when I left the office, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. “Did you go down to HR and fill out your paperwork today?”

  With the moon shining bright, I could see her face clearly. God, she was beautiful. Her long hair was down in messy curls that hung over her bare shoulders and down her spine. It had been straight last night and she’d worn it up today at the office. Even though it was technically dark outside and I could only see it from the white light of the moon, I’d have to say curly was my favorite.

  “Yeah,” she said as she bit her plump lower lip. “But I won’t lie…it took me a while to do it. You kind of threw me a curveball at the end before leaving. I wasn’t really sure how to react to that.”

  My smile grew wider. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  A wispy breath blew past her lips right before she dipped her head, dropping her chin to her chest. “Sure you don’t. I had no idea who you were. If I’d known your last name, I would’ve never flipped out on you.” She lifted her gaze, shook her head, and chuckled to herself. “My God, Dane…I told you autistic people could do your job better than you.”

  “No need to apologize. I liked your defensive nature.”

  “But it’s you.”

  “And what does that mean?” I tilted my head to the side, questioning her in the dark, even though she probably couldn’t see the inquisitive expression on my face in the shadows.

  She waved her hand in front of her, but when I didn’t relent, she gave in. “Your company supports so many organizations. You fund so many projects and donate to so many good things. Had I known it was you, I would’ve never misunderstood you.”

  “Honestly, Eden…don’t apologize. You didn’t know. Not to mention, I’ve encountered more CEOs in my time dealing with acquisitions to know that just because their business name is riddled with good deeds, it doesn’t mean the men running the companies are. Don’t be fooled.”

  “So what are you trying to say?”

  I laughed and leaned forward, bracing myself with my elbows on my knees, if only to eliminate a few inches of space between us. “I’m not one of them. I promise. I personally look into every foundation I support. I’m a big advocate against sex offenders. And there are a lot of organizations out there who deal with such topics…so I have to make sure I pick the right ones. My publicist helps me a lot when it comes to them, but in the end, I fully support what I put my name on.”

  “I really wish I’d looked more into the owner,” she said with words so soft they were nearly carried out with the rolling waves.

  “If you don’t mind me asking…why did you get so defensive? You seemed to have a personal reason. And if this is too forward, I apologize. Just tell me to shut up and I will.”

  She smiled and glanced down at her lap again. Even though she’d explained it was because she was shy, I still hated it. I liked the idea of holding her gaze, not her looking away from me. I couldn’t look away from her even if I tried.

  “My little brother had Asperger’s.”

  I didn’t miss it. I heard it loud and clear. And even if I hadn’t, I would’ve picked up on it in her tone. I felt her sadness creep into my chest, expand through the abyss, and fill me with the chill of sorrow.

  “Had,” I said, repeating her own word. “What happened to him?”

  She lifted her head, and I felt a tightness in the pit of my stomach I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. Eden definitely had an effect on me. Although, I wasn’t quite sure if it was a good or bad thing.

  “He also had a genetic heart defect.”

  “Do you have the same one?” I cringed, waiting for her response. Something about the thought of her having a fatal health condition terrified me, and I didn’t know why. I barely knew her, but I already knew I didn’t want our time together to end so quickly. After only a few encounters, I had a feeling this girl had the ability to change me, to fix me…to possibly heal the brokenness inside.

  Her voice lightened a little as she spoke, almost as if talking about her brother filled her with happiness. “No. He was my adopted brother.”

  “Like you were adopted, or he was?” I hadn’t expected our conversation to turn out this way, but I enjoyed learning about her. She fascinated me. I liked talking to her and listening about her life—the good and the bad.

  “We both were.”

  “Do you know your birth parents?”

  Eden shook her head, and I could only assume it a sore subject. But then she leaned forward, matching my own position, and spoke freely. “It was a closed adoption. But I’m not bitter about it. I have amazing parents who love me, support me, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

  “That’s awesome. It’s inspiring to hear stories like that. I think adoption is a tough choice, and I couldn’t ever imagine myself doing it. I’m not strong enough to go through with it. It’s a very selfless act.”

  She tilted her head, staring up at the dark sky for a beat of silence before uttering, “Enough about me.”

  I hated to talk about myself. There wasn’t too much to say. I didn’t feel comfortable opening up about my life with anyone, especially since my life pretty much consisted of Gabi, and her story wasn’t mine to tell. But I let Eden go on anyway, hoping she didn’t ask anything too personal.

  “Since you know why I chose accounting and finance, why did you? What made you start Kauffmann Investments?” She couldn’t have asked a more perfect question.

  “When I was fourteen, I started working at a small hardware store where I grew up. I loved the old man who owned it, Grady Allen. He was such a nice man who would give anyone the shirt off his back. When I was sixteen, he sat me down and said he had to let me go. I thought it was something I’d done, but he fin
ally broke down and admitted he was going to lose the store. He couldn’t afford to keep it open anymore.” I paused to take a breath. No matter how long ago it’d been, retelling this story always seemed to get to me.

  “He had to fire you?”

  “My job wasn’t what worried me; I knew I’d find another one. And it wasn’t like he paid me very much anyway. What upset me the most was him losing the store. He’d had it for over forty years. So I took every penny I’d saved from working there and then asked my father for a loan to cover the rest. I asked him to give me until I turned eighteen to return it with interest.”

  “Did you even know what you were doing?” she asked, interjecting her thoughts into my story. It made me laugh. She seemed more concerned over my dire need to help my old boss than she did the outcome of Grady’s shop.

  “Not a clue. But I’d been there for two years and saw how he ran things. I saw what people bought. Not to mention, I’d talked to nearly everyone who’d come in and found out where they were getting parts and for how much. It’s hard to run a small shop and stay in competition with the big retailers. But it’s not impossible. Grady Allen came from a different era, so he wasn’t familiar with the competitiveness of Wal-Mart and the like.”

  “So you went into it completely blind?”

  “Business-wise? Yeah. I had no clue. But I had heart, and a lot of determination. I also had age on my side. I had the ability to research and look into the competitors who were threatening his store.”

  She bit her lip again, and when her gaze found mine in the night, the moonlight reflected off hers, sparkling like the stars above. “Sorry. Go ahead. I didn’t mean to cut you off.”

  I wanted to tell her it was okay, but I decided against it. Instead, I went on with my story. “So, I went to Grady Allen with a check and convinced him to give me a chance to turn his store around. He didn’t give in easily, but finally relented after I showed him my ideas. I had graphs and pie charts. I had numbers and suppliers. He realized this was a kid with a plan, and eventually let me have my way.