by Leddy Harper
“Your birth mom?”
She shook her head slowly and sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. “Not really. I mean, yeah…I’ve thought about that. It’s kind of hard not to. But that’s not what’s been bothering me.”
“Then what is it? Talk to me.” My heart practically stilled while waiting for her response.
“I’m sorry, Dane, but I’m not really up for talking about it. I don’t mean to upset you or anything, but it’s something I have to work out on my own.”
“Is it something I did? Something I said? Everything was fine when we went to sleep last night, and then it’s like you woke up bothered by something. If it’s me, I’d like to talk about it so I can make it right.”
Eden placed her hand over mine on the armrest and looked into my eyes. “It’s nothing you can make right. It’s nothing you did or said. So please, you don’t have to concern yourself with it. I’ll figure it out. Just like I figure everything else out. I’m a big girl.” At least she offered me a grin. Although, that did nothing to appease me.
“Well, as long as you know I’m here. If you need to talk, if you just need someone to listen…I’m here.” I wanted to tell her how much better I felt after confiding in her last night, and that maybe if she tried it with me, she’d feel the same way. But I didn’t know how to express that without sounding pushy.
The flight was spent in silence. She wore her headphones and watched a movie while I worked on my laptop. I had a hard time concentrating on the spreadsheets and documents in front of me, knowing Eden was inches away, trapped in her own head. But there was nothing I could do. She wouldn’t let me help. She wouldn’t open up, even though I knew it had to do with me. I simply had to concede and let her work it out on her own…or wait for her to come to me.
Toward the end of the flight, my thoughts drifted to Gabi. The same fear and concerns I’d battled with for weeks started to settle and I was able to sort a few things out. It wasn’t so much my inability to make a decision as it was being afraid of change. I’d never had an issue with it before, but then again, it’d never held the ability to affect my life this drastically. Work was work. Things changed every day, considering the number of companies I controlled. And the few times I’d moved were nothing more than packing and unpacking boxes. But this…this was so much more.
I’d built my entire life around Gabi. My past was carved by her, leading the way to the present I now suffered in. And I couldn’t help but imagine the future I’d be left with if I didn’t make a change. We weren’t kids anymore. Children grow up and are forced to make decisions that’ll pave the path for the rest of their lives, and I had to accept that I’d gotten older. I’d grown up. Yet I still hadn’t managed to pave my path. I’d followed the proverbial yellow brick road Gabi had laid with her grief and depression. I couldn’t continue down that path anymore.
By the time I made it to my condo, I’d come to terms with the fork in the road I was faced with. Right or left. And it was about time I turned on my blinker. One way or another. I couldn’t sit idle any longer.
So as I turned the key in the deadbolt and opened the door, I readied myself to make the jump.
To make a choice.
To choose me.
10
The condo was empty, completely motionless and silent. I entered with caution, an eerie feeling washing over me. I hadn’t let Gabi know I was on my way home, but I didn’t think I had to. I didn’t expect her to not be here when I got back. She was always here, curled up in bed, crying, sleeping…anything but leaving the place. Except now, she was gone. The bed was unmade and dishes littered the kitchen as well as her nightstand. Clothes were strewn across the floor, as if she’d changed outfits fifty times before going…wherever she went.
I became lost in my thoughts as I began to straighten everything up…until my phone rang. I grabbed it from my pocket and instantly smiled when I saw Eden’s name flash across the screen. “I left you in the car not even ten minutes ago. Miss me already?” I teased as I answered.
A wispy giggle flooded the line and erased the tension that had filled me since walking through the front door. “You left your computer bag in the car. I have it. I’m walking out now to run some errands—my fridge is empty and I’m starving—so I can swing it by you if that’s okay.”
“Yeah, that works. I’ll meet you down in the lobby in five.”
My heart pounded in my chest. I couldn’t explain it. I’d literally just seen her, yet the thought of seeing her again made me excited. I felt like a teenager all over again. And I realized it was the first time in years I’d felt that way. The pounding in my chest, the fidgety hands, the rushing around to make sure I looked okay. It was a thrill I’d forgotten about, one I didn’t think I was capable of feeling again. But here I was, acting like an adolescent waiting on the prettiest girl in school by her locker.
I quickly finished cleaning the place and then rushed downstairs to the lobby. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I spotted Eden waiting by the front desk with my laptop bag in hand. She had changed since coming home. Instead of the long skirt she had worn, she now donned jean shorts and a tank top. Casual. She seemed comfortable in everything she wore. Didn’t matter if it was a black dress and heels, a short skirt for a night out, nice pants and top for work, or jeans and a T-shirt…she carried herself like she belonged in anything she had on.
“Thank you for grabbing this. My mind must’ve been on overload by the time we landed.” When I took the bag from her grasp, I couldn’t stop the warmth from coursing through me as her fingers grazed mine.
“Is everything all right? Was she okay when you got home?”
I shook my head and stared at the floor, unsure of what to say. I’d grown so comfortable talking to Eden, but this was different. Finally, I’d made up my mind. I’d reached a decision about what I should do. What I needed to do. But it seemed as though talking to someone other than Gabi about it first was…wrong.
“What happened? Is everything all right?” Her concern was palpable and forced me to look at her.
“Oh, yeah. She just wasn’t here when I got home. Actually, she’s still not here.”
“Where is she?” Eden asked with worried, wide eyes.
I shrugged, unable to make anything up. “I’m not sure.”
“Have you spoken to her at all since we flew out yesterday morning?”
“No. By the time I got to the room last night, I knew it’d be too late here. I didn’t want to wake her. Not to mention, I didn’t exactly expect her to have gone anywhere.”
“So you haven’t called her since we landed?”
Normally, her repeated questions would’ve bothered me, but I knew she wasn’t asking in a judgmental way. She was concerned for me, and apparently for Gabi, as well, and it was obvious in her worried stare. I laid my hand on her shoulder and said, “I will when I go upstairs. I’ve been cleaning up since walking through the door.”
“Cleaning up? What happened?”
“Yeah…” I hesitated, ready to swallow my words. “She stays in bed a lot, so the covers were all over the place. And she tends to leave dishes lying around when she’s done with them.” I gritted my teeth, angry at myself for painting Gabi in such a bad light in front of someone she didn’t even know. “I’m making it sound worse than it is. She’s—”
“Depressed. I know, Dane. You don’t have to explain it to me.”
An ache spread through my chest, leaving behind a crater I didn’t think would ever heal. In the midst of protecting Gabi, I hadn’t realized I wasn’t protecting her at all. I did nothing but make up excuses for her and her behavior. I’d coddled her. Instead of pushing her to do better, to get back on her own two feet, I enabled her to remain in the black hole she’d hidden herself in.
I couldn’t believe I’d never realized that before now.
It was so obvious.
Eden placed her hand high on my chest, her fingertips reaching my shoulder. “I’m here for you if you need an
ything. No matter what is it. I know this has to be tough for you, but I have faith everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
I opened my mouth to tell her about the decision I made, but before the words came out, movement behind Eden caught my attention. I glanced over her shoulder just in time to see Gabi walking our way. Her brows were drawn, pinched in the middle, a scowl shadowing her face. In an instant, I took a step away from Eden, causing her hand to fall from my chest. She stiffened and then followed my gaze, her breath hitching the moment she caught sight of Gabi.
“When did you get home?” Gabi asked, looking directly at me.
“Fifteen minutes ago. I was actually getting ready to call you.”
She glanced at Eden with her lips pursed, disdain and pain written into her features.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Gabi, this is Eden, my assistant. Eden, this is Gabi, my…fiancée.” Gabi didn’t miss the pause between my words and shifted her gaze to me. Her expression cut me deep, the hurt and offense in her eyes nearly gutted me. Hell, the guilt over my own hesitation wrapped around my chest and threatened to squeeze the life out of me. “Eden was dropping off my computer.”
“Where was it?” Gabi asked no one in particular.
While I tried to sort out an answer, Eden spoke up. “He left it in the car. I had to drive past your building on the way to the grocery store so I figured I’d drop it off.”
“The car? What car?” She turned her wounded eyes to me.
But again, Eden spoke for me. “The town car from the airport.”
“Wait.” Gabi held up her hand and glanced between the two of us. “You went, too?” Her words were soft yet so full of pain they dripped with unbridled agony. As if I hadn’t already felt bad enough, having Gabi find out this way made it all worse.
“I’m sorry,” Eden said with a shake of her head and a step in the opposite direction. “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I just wanted to return his computer before work tomorrow.” She retreated another step. “It was really great to finally meet you, Gabi. I’ve heard so much about you, and now I can put a face to the name.” She glanced at me and nodded once. “Dane, I’ll see you at the office in the morning.”
And then she walked away.
Leaving Gabi and me frozen in silence.
Wrapped in elevated emotions.
“Put a face to the name?” Gabi asked in a whispered tone, glaring at me. “Heard so much about me? What have you told her, Dane? What kinds of things have you talked about with her—about me?”
I gently held her elbow and guided her toward the elevator bank, needing to get her away from the front desk. “She’s my assistant, Gabi. Of course she knows about you.”
“But she doesn’t know what I look like? What happened to the pictures of us on your desk?”
I swallowed harshly as the bell rang and the mirrored doors opened. Without a word, we stepped inside the empty car and I pressed the button to our floor, waiting for the doors to close before resuming our conversation. I knew she’d get loud once I answered her. “They’re in my drawer.”
“Why?” Devastation lilted her question.
I couldn’t even look at her while responding. The pain in her voice was enough of a punch in the gut, I couldn’t see it in her eyes, as well. “It’s been hard, Gabs. You haven’t been the same. Seeing your smiling face in front of me while I work and then come home to you crying or curled up in bed, ignoring me…it’s too much. It’s too hard. So I put them away to keep from feeling let down every time I come home.”
She was silent while we made it to our condo, but the second the front door was shut, she lashed out. “When did you get an assistant? How long has she been working for you?”
“A few weeks. Not long.”
She scoffed and rolled her eyes, both of us trapped in the foyer of the condo. “Long enough to take her on a trip. It looks sketchy, Dane. I won’t lie. You hire this young woman and then a few weeks later take her out of state and stay the night with her. You’ve always gone on business trips alone. You’ve never taken anyone with you—not even me!” Her eyes widened and she gasped, holding the air in. “Was this really a business trip?”
My shoulders slumped forward, but I suppressed the groan threatening to rip through my chest. “Of course it was. That’s ridiculous. I haven’t taken anyone on trips for a while because I haven’t had an assistant to bring. Now I have one, so I brought her. And don’t throw it in my face that you never go with me…that has always been your choice. I used to ask, and you always said no. So I stopped inviting you. Not to mention, you won’t even attend a company appreciation day with me—what makes me think you’d go to Texas?”
“That’s what this all comes back to, isn’t it? My depression. I’m too depressed to go to the beach with you, to go out of town with you. So you go and hire trash to give you what I can’t? Was she at the beach that day?”
I turned around and balled my hands into fists, fighting off the surge of anger rolling through me. I had come home with so much to say to her, not expecting it’d start off like this. Her accusations only made it harder to express my feelings and concerns, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I lashed out.
“Don’t call her trash. You don’t know her,” I hissed through gritted teeth, facing away from her.
“Her arm is practically covered in tattoos and she has piercings in her face. What would you call that? It’s certainly not very professional.”
I spun on my heel, my eyes wide and jaw gaping. My fists clenched impossibly tighter as I drew them closer to my body in a desperate attempt to rein in my anger. “You do know I’m covered in ink, right? I’m sure you’ve noticed the tattoos that cover pretty much my entire upper body. You’ve never once accused me of not being professional. I think your car and condo and clothes could attest to my professionalism.”
She looked at me condescendingly, like I was out of line. “You’re defending her. Why?”
“What the hell? I’m defending myself. You can’t attack someone for having tattoos when I have them, too. I have far more ink than Eden does, and you’ve never once complained.”
“How do you know how many tattoos she has?”
I rolled my eyes and threw my head back, completely exasperated. “This is going nowhere. You’re picking a fight and attacking my assistant—inadvertently attacking me—because of an insecurity you have. There’s nothing going on between Eden and me. She’s my assistant, and I’m her boss. That’s it.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me you’d hired her? Why didn’t you tell me she was going on the trip with you? Huh? If I have nothing to worry about, why did you keep those things from me? You’ve talked to her about me, about us, yet I didn’t even know this woman existed.”
Fury coursed through me unlike I’d ever felt before. I couldn’t recall ever being so angry with Gabi. “You would have known about her had you taken two seconds to ask about me. If you showed one ounce of interest in my life, you’d know who was in it. But you don’t. You’re too wrapped in your books or TV. You don’t talk to me, and you certainly don’t listen when I talk to you. So don’t you dare throw this in my face and make me out to look like some cheating asshole. I’ve never cheated on you.”
Gabi threw her arms out and leaned toward me. Pain, rage, rejection, and sorrow rolled off her like the tide on the shore. “I lost a baby! Our baby! And I’m still dealing with it. Sorry if I can’t just get over it like you can. Sorry the thought of never smelling her hair or hearing her giggle is so unbearable I can’t breathe at times.”
“Don’t! Don’t do that, Gabi. You act as if we lost the baby yesterday. We didn’t. It’s been months and I’ve dealt with that. You haven’t. You can’t be mad at me for learning how to live my life and carry on seven months after you miscarried.” My temper got the best of me and I began to yell. I had never yelled at her before, and part of me felt bad. Although, another part of me felt relieved that I was finally able to get it out. I was fin
ally able to say things I’d thought about but was never able to even utter.
She broke down and began to cry harder. The relief I had felt for speaking my mind vanished and was quickly replaced with remorse. I hated watching her cry. It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen it over the years, it still cut me open.
Guttural sobs filled her every word. “Not everyone can go through something like that and then go on with their lives as if nothing happened. As if my child didn’t die inside me. As if I couldn’t even protect my own baby. I couldn’t protect her…”
“Gabi,” I pleaded in a whisper and tried to bring her closer to me.
She shoved against my chest and pushed me away. “You don’t get it. I can’t make you laugh. I can’t make you smile. I can’t even think about being intimate with you without thinking of pregnancies and babies…which leads me to thinking about miscarriages. If I haven’t already, I’ll eventually push you so far away you’ll end up in the arms of another woman. Someone like Eden.”
“That’s not fair. Don’t do that. Give me a little more credit than that.”
“Think about it, Dane. It’s obvious you have more in common with her. Tattoos, work…I can’t relate to that. I don’t even have my ears pierced, and I have no idea what investments actually entails. Why are you even with me? I can’t give you what you want. I’m not what you need. I’m useless. I might as well not even be here.”
I grabbed her and hugged her tightly to my chest. I hated hearing the depths of her self-hatred. It gutted me to hear her talk about herself like that. “Stop, Gabi. Let’s just calm down. Nothing will get solved if we’re both so worked up.”
She pushed away and looked up at me with tears streaking her face. “I can’t be what you need anymore.”
I felt stuck, as if I were literally caught between a rock and a hard place. I’d come home, ready to talk to Gabi about the future of our relationship, ready to tell her I couldn’t live like this anymore. But now, looking into her large, grief-stricken eyes, I couldn’t find it in me to tell her any of that. I knew she was depressed. I knew losing the baby had taken a toll on her. But I never realized the part I played in it. She’d never told me these things before. Hearing her confess to not being enough for me, for failing me, for holding me back…it was more than I could bear. And I didn’t see the point in letting her go now. Not after she finally opened up to me.
