Dane

by Leddy Harper

  “Just knock on doors and stuff like that?”

  She smiled brightly and shook her head. “There will be some speaking engagements at hospitals and rehab facilities like this one. One-on-one meetings with victims. That sort of thing. But I’m not ready for all that yet. I still need more therapy before any of that can happen. But I know it’s something I’m interested in for my future. I have a goal. I want to help people…like you do.”

  “I’m really proud of you, Gabs.” I couldn’t hide the beaming grin and the relief that filled me, knowing she was surviving. More than I ever thought she would. This was the woman I knew she could be, and I was beyond excited to see her growth and improvement.

  “I’ve wondered a lot lately if you ever loved me the way I love you, but I’ve started to figure out that my love for you isn’t what I always thought it was. I think I loved you because, in some way, you made me feel safe. But I’m learning that I need to make myself feel safe. No one can do that for me.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I was happy to hear she’d learned to let me go, and it made me feel better knowing I wasn’t breaking her heart. Although, I still had a hard time acknowledging her after that confession. “So, where are you moving to?”

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  “When?” I felt like a heartless asshole asking her that, as if I were pushing her away, but that’s not what it was. I only wanted to make sure she was prepared when the time came.

  “That’s the thing. Not for another six to twelve months. I have a lot of counseling to do and I still have a lot to learn about dealing with victims. But it’s what I want and I plan on doing it. I have to focus first on getting myself better so I can help others. My friend is trying to get her own place, but I don’t have any money to help her out. I don’t want to have to rely solely on her, so I’m going to start trying to find a job.”

  Just like that, everything fell into place, as if this was fate unfolding. “I’m putting the condo up for sale. I just purchased a house, and I’ll be closing on it this week. I was waiting to find a place first before selling our unit, but now that I have, the realtor is getting it on the market. He doesn’t think it’ll take long at all to sell. I’ve opened an account in your name, and I plan on putting half of the money from the sale in there. Before you argue with me, you should know it’s already a done deal. I already have it set up, ready for you when you’re discharged. You don’t need to have other things to worry about, especially now that you’ve got a plan and a goal to strive for.”

  “Oh, Dane…I’ve already told you I can’t accept that. You’ve taken care of me for so long, and I can’t let you keep doing it.” A fat tear rolled down her cheek.

  “No…you said you couldn’t accept the condo. And I understand why. It’s a reminder of us, and I’m just another reminder of the things you’ve had to go through. Think of this money as a gift. My way of saying I’m proud of you, and the start of becoming who you were always meant to be. You know I can’t leave you with nothing. You deserve way more than that. Way more than I could ever provide.”

  She leaned forward and fell into me with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. “Thank you so much, Dane. You have no idea how much I appreciate this…and you.”

  I squeezed her to me and then let her go. “Just promise me you’ll keep working on yourself so you can travel around and help other women in your shoes.”

  She glanced at her hand, wrapped in mine, before meeting my gaze again. “This feels so final. I knew prior to seeing you this morning that this would be the end, but this just makes it real. The house we’ve lived in together will be gone, all the memories boxed up and moved out.” Heartache filled her words and clenched my chest.

  “I know.” I wiped away a tear from her cheek with the pad of my thumb. “But that only means we aren’t holding each other back anymore. We’re moving on to bigger and better things. Saying goodbye is never easy, but sometimes it’s for the best. Just think of it that way. You’re made for better things than the life you had with me.” I was surprised by the emotion clogging my throat and stinging the backs of my eyes.

  She held onto me and cried silently into my shirt.

  I never thought walking away from her would be so hard.

  23

  My emotions were all over the place on my way to the office. I needed Eden, needed her to settle the storm raging inside. I no longer cared about the senseless rules she’d set upon us. Personal issues or not, I’d talk to her. Because she was the only one who could give me peace.

  I didn’t regret my decision to separate myself from Gabi. It was for the best—for me and for her. Nor did I regret choosing to end the constant financial support. I’d told her I’d make sure she was taken care of after treatment, but I couldn’t continue supporting her the way I’d been doing. Once the condo sold, I’d deposit half the sale into the account I opened for her. After that, my financial obligation to Gabi would be done.

  The entire drive from the clinic to my office was a blur. Parking and making my way inside barely registered. I was on a mission. I needed Eden, and I couldn’t settle down until I found her. Gina greeted me, and I offered her an easy grin and subtle wave. But other than that, I couldn’t offer her more, my tunnel vision refusing to fully acknowledge anyone who wasn’t a fiery redhead with the ability to soothe my soul.

  I didn’t even have the wherewithal to knock. I just turned the handle to her office door and opened it. I’d only stepped one foot inside when everything came to a screeching halt. Eden sat in her chair, pushed enough away from the desk for me to see her legs crossed, the hem of her skirt clinging tight mid-thigh. The smile she had on her face when I opened the door immediately vanished, right about the time I noticed the guy leaning against the edge of her desk, facing away from the door. He peered over his shoulder, but other than that, made no move to get up…or leave her office.

  I’d seen him around the building before, but I didn’t know who he was or what department he worked in. I couldn’t keep up with everyone I employed unless I worked directly with them. While his expression remained the same, Eden reacted as if she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

  “He’s back,” the kid said. “Now we can go to lunch.”

  My stomach rolled. I didn’t even want to think about her having lunch with anyone else, let alone witness it.

  Eden stood from her seat. Her movements were unhurried and cautious, acting as if sudden movement would scare me off. Even her words were slow when she quietly asked me, “Are you okay?” Her eyes never left mine, worried and full of concern. Although, I ignored it and continued to glare at her. It wouldn’t have surprised me to know I wore a scowl, considering my entire body coiled tight with pain and anger. “You seem upset…is everything all right?”

  “Just personal things…which is none of your business,” I growled out through gritted teeth. “Any emails or calls I should know about before you go on your lunch date?” Had I taken a glance at the guy next to her, I probably would’ve found a frightened kid, but I didn’t. I didn’t care enough about him to look in his direction.

  Eden flinched at my tone, but seemed to push through enough to point in the direction of my office, right at the closed blinds covering the window. “Um, no. But I did put a few files—”

  “I’m sure I can figure that out when I get to my desk.” And with that, I turned on my heel and headed the few feet down the hall to my office. Before I could get my door open, I heard his whispered words calling me an asshole, and making some suggestion of my need to get laid. I ignored it with a clenched fist and threw my door open before slamming it closed behind me.

  My heart thudded loudly and my face became feverish. Blood rushed in angry waves through my ears, making me miss the sound of the door opening and Eden walking in. It wasn’t until she said my name that I realized I wasn’t alone. She’d followed me. And when I turned to face her, I noticed she was alone. The door had been closed behind her, and she stood a
cross the room with her hands twisting in front of her. Fear—and possibly rejection—darkened her eyes. A mask of anxiety covered her face.

  I did nothing but stand next to my desk, staring at her, waiting for her to speak. I didn’t trust myself to say anything. I knew anything I said would be out of anger and used to hurt her. I didn’t want to hurt her. She didn’t deserve it. But that didn’t calm the desire to spew venom at her, lashing out so she could feel an ounce of the pain consuming me.

  “Dane…” she started, clearly unsure of what to say. “Is…is she okay? Did something happen?”

  “As you’ve pointed out so many times, that’s a personal question. You’re my assistant, Eden. That’s it. So how Gabi is or how I’m feeling doesn’t concern you.” I angrily waved her off. “You should hurry before your friend leaves without you.”

  “Is that what this is about? Me having lunch with Paul? It’s only lunch, Dane.”

  “Yeah. Just like our lunches were ‘only’ lunch. And our conversations were merely words. And that night together was nothing but sex.” I was furious, and my tone matched. However, beneath the vicious words and angry exterior, it was clear as day to anyone in the vicinity that my reaction was driven by agony. And it didn’t go unnoticed by Eden.

  She crossed the room and stood in front of me, only my desk separating us. “Well, I’m on my lunch break now. I’m off the clock. You’re not my boss and I’m not your assistant for the next hour. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. You came bursting into my office like a man holding on to his sanity. What happened?”

  “I am a man holding on to his sanity, Eden. For the last two weeks, I’ve done nothing but put the pieces of my life back together. But you wouldn’t know any of that because you’ve put these restrictions on our relationship. I can’t tell you about anything I’ve done to create a life for us because it’s personal.” Weight fell from my shoulders and I felt like I was about to fall apart, right in front of her. “I’m barely holding on. If a butterfly flapped its wings too close to me, I just might crumble.”

  Without saying a word, Eden turned her back on me and walked to the door. She stepped out into the hallway, and I could no longer hold myself up. I fell into my seat, my head dropping into my hands. Everything that had happened since I sat down with Gabi this morning all came rushing back, melding together until my emotions blackened to turmoil. It coursed through me with the speed of a freight train, threatening to take me down at any moment.

  Then, the sound of an angel eased enough of the pain for me to pick my head up, taking note of Eden sitting across from me. I didn’t understand why she was there, and honestly, wondered if I’d completely lost my mind and had begun to hallucinate.

  “I thought you had lunch plans.”

  She lifted one shoulder slightly, just enough to showcase the pity in her expression. “It was only lunch. You need me, so I’m here. Talk to me.”

  Suddenly, my mind went blank. I had nothing to say, so I silently stared at her.

  “You’re clearly upset with our arrangement. Let’s start there,” she pushed.

  “You mean the arrangement where we see each other at work, but don’t talk about anything other than work? If it doesn’t involve acquisitions, proposals, contracts, or buybacks then it’s deemed a personal matter and not to be discussed? That arrangement?”

  She huffed and briefly closed her eyes. “Can you for one second see how difficult this is for me and accept that I’m doing the best I can?”

  “No. I can’t. Because you refuse to see what this does to me.”

  “I’m not refusing to see anything, Dane.” Her tone was soft, almost sad, but it didn’t stop me from arguing with her. I could tell she didn’t want a fight, but no matter how hard I tried to hold it together, I failed.

  “I saw Gabi this morning. To say goodbye. I’ve done everything I can to make sure she’s taken care of after she’s out of rehab, but from now on, she’s on her own.” Utter heartache clogged my throat and made it difficult to get the words out. “I had to break a promise to someone I’d sworn to protect. I promised her I would take care of her, keep her safe, never let anything else ever happen to her again. And I had to fucking say goodbye to her this morning. After all that, I needed you, Eden.”

  “I’m here, Dane. I haven’t gone anywhere.”

  “But you’re not here. You have cut yourself out of my life in every way I’ve cut myself out of Gabi’s. You keep the door closed, the blinds shut. I only see you when you’re picking up or dropping off files or documents. I have no one to talk to. No one to tell me I’m doing the right thing. No one to make me feel okay for turning my back on someone I’ve shared so much history with. I’ve been there for anyone who’s ever needed it, and the one time I need someone to be there for me…I’m all alone. So don’t tell me you’ve been here, because you haven’t.”

  Eden blinked rapidly, releasing a tear that she quickly brushed away. In a soft, emotion-filled tone, she started to explain. “I was there for you, listening to your stories about how you fell in love with Gabi. Listening to you talk about the physical pain you felt over her depression. I can’t count how many times I had to hear you tell me that you loved her. No matter how hard I fought against developing feelings for you, I lost. So every time you came to me, upset about Gabi, telling me how much you wished she’d get better so you two could ride off into the sunset together, I had to push my own feelings aside and be supportive.”

  The agony in her voice wound tight around me until I couldn’t breathe.

  “I told you the things you needed to hear—work it out, be there for her, do what you felt was right. All the while, my heart broke a little more. Every time you told me how miserable you were, inside, I was screaming, ‘I can make you happy. Choose me.’ And when you finally did, I didn’t want to believe it. I knew we were rushing. I knew it’d blow up in my face. But I wanted you, and so I gave in.”

  She wiped away another tear. I was on the verge of saying something, but she continued.

  “I had a taste of what it’d be like to be yours. Just a taste. Then you went running back to her. I don’t think you comprehend how much that killed me. I understood why you did what you did. I don’t blame you for anything. She needed you and you were there for her. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t cut me like a knife. And all I asked was that you take some time to get it all figured out. Because I knew this would happen. This…right here. You’d have to completely sever ties with her at some point—make the decision to cut her off financially, emotionally. And I knew that wouldn’t be easy. Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be there for you when it happened. I just can’t bear the pain of listening to it. Of seeing how it affects you. I’m trying to protect myself, Dane.”

  “So you decided to go on lunch dates with other guys while I go through this alone?” I spat at her.

  “That’s not what it was.”

  “You looked pretty cozy when I walked in.” I didn’t want to sound jealous, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t like what it did to me to see her laughing with someone else, to see her smile at him the way she used to smile at me. I wanted to hit the guy, fire him, do something to make him disappear. And that wasn’t the kind of person I was. Despite attacking Sean, I wasn’t a violent person. Yet one second of seeing Eden act natural around another man left me with nothing but violent thoughts.

  “I’m not interested in him.” Sincerity brightened her eyes.

  I sighed and leaned back in my seat, wincing when my side stretched.

  She must’ve sensed my discomfort, because her eyes narrowed and she asked, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

  “No. I’m fine. Just a new tattoo. It’s still sore and likes to catch me off guard when I forget it’s there.” I took in her reaction, carefully studying her expression. I could tell she wanted to ask me about it. She stared intently at my side as if she could see through my shirt. But rather than giving her answers, I stood and said, “I have a lot to catch up on. Enjoy y
our break.”

  Blinking at me, she carefully removed herself from the chair and left my office, not saying another word. I’d left the clinic needing Eden to make everything right again. But instead, she broke me down even more than I already was. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to put any more barriers between us. All I wanted was for her to understand what she’d done to me. And the look on her face as she walked away from me proved I’d done just that. I’d made her feel as horrible as I did.

  I had no idea when Eden returned to her office, as she never let me know. I buried myself in work in order to take my mind off my morning and off the issues with Eden. One of the companies I’d taken over was back on its feet and preparing to retake control of its business operations. I went ahead and got that revised contract all ready to go. All it needed were signatures and my reimbursement.

  Focusing on work got me through to Tuesday afternoon. Things with Eden had gone from bad to worse. The majority of our communication existed through emails. If for some reason she had to come to me, we barely spoke. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to her or see her…it just seemed as though we were stuck in this space of neither person knowing what to say or how to act. My silence fed into hers, and her avoidance enticed mine. No matter how many times I’d thought of her, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. I knew it would only be a few more days before I had all the pieces in place, and then I could go to her. Hopefully then, she’d see all I’d done for her, for us. I told her I’d prove myself to her, and that’s what I had to focus on.

  I’d found out the seller had already signed over the title for the house. All we were waiting on was my signature, and then the keys would be mine. I’d made an appointment with the title agency for this afternoon to go in and take care of my part. The realtor had also called with an offer on the condo. It was less than the asking price, but I didn’t care. I was ready to put it all behind me and move on, so I accepted. They wanted to close in four weeks, but I knew it wouldn’t take that long to get out of it. I’d sold it furnished, so all I had to take with me were my personal effects. I’d already boxed up all Gabi’s things and put them in storage for her.