Regrets

by Caragh Bell

  ‘You can’t leave. If I have to tie you up, I will.’

  ‘Stop,’ she whispered.

  ‘You and me? We are staying together.’

  ‘Stop,’ she repeated, her resolve weakening. He kissed her neck lightly, sending shivers down her spine.

  ‘You and me, Lyd. Don’t forget it.’

  Chapter 41

  Tara and Christian arrived twenty minutes later. He had walked out of an important board meeting as soon as he had heard the news. Jumping into a taxi, he had met his wife outside Mimi’s building.

  ‘Tell me this is a joke,’ he said grimly, stalking into the foyer.

  ‘I don’t know what to think,’ answered his wife, running her fingers through her long red hair.

  They didn’t speak a word in the elevator. The air crackled with tension. Christian took his key out of his pocket.

  ‘That boy is always the same, Tara. He does what he likes without thinking about the consequences.’

  ‘Don’t start on that, Christian,’ she retorted coldly. ‘You’re one to talk.’

  He pushed the heavy door open. ‘Of course, blame me. It’s obviously my fault.’

  ‘I’m not doing this now.’ She swept into the kitchen to find it deserted.

  ‘Luca!’ His mother’s voice resonated down the hall. ‘Get in here right now!’

  Luca took a deep breath. ‘Let’s face this,’ he said. ‘It’ll be okay.’

  Lydia exhaled slowly as he held her hand tightly.

  Lydia wasn’t so sure. Her only experience of Tara Jacob had been intimidating. They had met briefly when Luca was studying in Cork. His mother, a native of Cork herself, had visited him to see how he was getting on and also to catch up with some family. She had noticed Luca’s infatuation with Lydia at the time and had made it clear she wasn’t impressed. Christian Jacob was another story. All Lydia knew about him was the fact that he had cheated on his wife and that Luca had issues with him. She was pretty sure he had never even heard of her.

  They walked up the hallway to the kitchen. Luca pushed the door open to reveal Tara, looking as glamorous as ever, and a tall handsome man, who Lydia presumed was Christian.

  ‘Luca!’ His mother pulled him from Lydia’s grasp and shook him gently. ‘Tell me that this is all a joke.’ Her eyes stared at him beseechingly.

  He broke free and resumed his position by Lydia’s side, putting his arm around her waist.

  ‘No, it’s not a joke,’ he said steadily. ‘This is what’s happening.’

  Christian banged his fist on the granite countertop. ‘What are you saying?’ he shouted. ‘Are you telling me that you are going to leave Charlotte for this girl?’

  Lydia flinched. This girl? She hung her head in mortification.

  Luca rounded on his father angrily. ‘Damn straight, I am. And there’s nothing you can do about it.’

  ‘Luca! You’re engaged to Charlotte. She’s a wonderful girl – beautiful and smart –’

  ‘That’s got nothing to do with it,’ said Luca. ‘She’s a great girl – she’s just not for me.’

  ‘Not for you? A girl like Charlotte!’ his father said incredulously. ‘And this girl is?’ He pointed to Lydia in disbelief.

  ‘You’ve always had a soft spot for Charlotte, haven’t you, papa? Haven’t you?’ Luca’s eyes flashed angrily.

  ‘Don’t be fatuous,’ his father answered coldly. ‘You need to grow up.’

  ‘Just back off,’ Luca said cuttingly. ‘I know what I’m doing.’

  Tara turned to Lydia. ‘Do you realise what’s happening here?’ Her blues eyes were cold. ‘Do you see the enormity of the situation?’

  Lydia nodded. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t want to –’

  ‘Didn’t want to what? Fuck up my son’s life again?’ she spat. ‘You’re not right for him.’

  ‘Mom!’ roared Luca, as Lydia cowered behind him. ‘Cut it out!’

  Christian pushed him backwards and he stumbled. ‘Don’t speak to your mother that way.’

  Luca raised his fist, but Lydia pulled it back down.

  ‘Christian, don’t push him!’ cried Tara, grabbing his arm and dragging him backwards. She turned to her son. ‘Luca, have you lost your mind? Please tell me you’re not serious.’

  Luca held up his hand for silence. ‘You guys have got to listen to me. Mom, Papa, you’ve got to stop and focus.’

  They quietened down and waited for him to carry on. The giant clock on the wall ticked loudly.

  Luca took a deep breath. ‘I thought I loved Charlotte. I was happy with her. She’s so great and gorgeous, but she’s not for me.’

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ interjected Christian. ‘She’s way out of your league!’

  ‘Christian!’ warned Tara. ‘Let him finish.’

  ‘I didn’t realise this until I went back to Ireland,’ said Luca. ‘The second I saw Lydia again, I knew. I knew that I had to be with her.’ He pulled her close.

  Christian snorted, but Tara silenced him again.

  ‘I love her. I never want to let her go. You guys have got to support me on this. Otherwise, I will choose her over you.’ He looked deadly serious. ‘Don’t make me do that.’

  Lydia gasped. ‘No, Luca. Don’t say things like that. You’re angry …’

  He put his finger to her lips. ‘Ssssh!’ he said.

  ‘Have you lost your mind?’ Christian asked in a low voice. ‘Do you realise what you’re doing? Giving up a marriage with one of the most eligible young women in New York to hook up with an Irish girl you barely know?’

  ‘It’s sort of like history repeating itself, huh? You fell in love with Mom like that, didn’t you, Papa?’

  ‘It’s not the same!’

  ‘Like fuck it’s not! Mimi didn’t want you to marry her, but you did. You went against everyone’s wishes!’

  ‘It’s not the same!’ Christian shouted. ‘I wasn’t engaged to someone else!’ He kicked a chair. ‘You cannot do this, Luca. You are supposed to marry Charlotte.’

  Tara put her head in her hands. ‘I can’t believe this is happening! Two weeks ago, we were planning the wedding of the century!’

  Christian started pacing the kitchen floor. His eyes were dark and his fists were clenched. ‘Is she a good lay?’ he said eventually, gesturing to Lydia. ‘If that’s the case, you can get that kind of thing for a small fee. You can marry Charlotte and let loose once in a while. You don’t need to ruin your life for a cheap fuck.’

  Lydia felt her stomach drop. In one sentence he had reduced her to a whore. A loose bit on the side, nothing more than a sexual plaything for Luca. She started to back away, stumbling slightly.

  ‘What did you say?’ Luca rose up to his full height.

  ‘All I’m saying is that you don’t have to make an honest woman of every girl you screw.’

  Luca howled and went for Christian. He caught the older man by surprise and punched him square on the jaw, causing him to fall onto the ground in a heap.

  ‘Don’t you ever talk about Lydia like that again!’ Luca yelled. ‘You are such a fucking hypocrite! Do you think we don’t know that you screwed half of New York when I was a kid? Do you think that I don’t see you looking at Charlotte?’ He picked up a frying pan and made to throw it at him.

  ‘Luca!’ screamed his mother, grabbing his arm. ‘Stop! You’ll kill him!Lydia! Help me! He’ll kill him – he’ll kill him!’

  Lydia watched it all in slow motion, too horrified to react. Then Tara screamed again and she snapped out of it. She ran over to Luca and reached up to stroke his face.

  ‘Calm, calm,’ she whispered, caressing his cheek. ‘Calm down, Luca. He didn’t mean it.’

  Slowly, he relaxed and his shoulders slumped. Tara took the frying pan from him and Lydia led him away from Christian.

  ‘Please don’t fight,’ she said, her eyes filling with tears. ‘He’s your father.’

  Luca closed his eyes. A deafening silence reigned in the room. Tara looked stunned and Christian w
as in a bloody heap on the cool white tiles.

  ‘I’d like you to leave,’ said Luca quietly, when he had pulled himself together. ‘See yourselves out.’

  He gestured for Lydia to follow him back to the bedroom.

  Charlotte read the message over and over again.

  Can I call over later?

  He was back? Where had he been? She didn’t know how to interpret it. Maybe he had just had a bout of cold feet.

  She opened her wardrobe to pick a dress. She rifled through her sundresses until she found the yellow one that he loved. She laid it on her bed and, walking into the bathroom, she switched on the shower. He would want to make love – it had been over a week. She wanted to be fresh and perfumed for him. Her diamond weighed heavily on her finger. She carefully slipped it off and placed it on the shelf next to her toothbrush. Her mother had warned her not to wear it in water. It tended to loosen the stone. She had picked a diamond-encrusted wedding band to compliment it; she couldn’t wait to wear both together.

  She picked out her favourite lingerie: a gold satin bra and panties with a black trim. Luca loved that set; he had bought it for her birthday.

  She couldn’t wait to see him. The night was full of promise; they would meet, make love and then snuggle up on the sofa watching HBO. Just like they always did.

  Or so she told herself.

  Lydia closed her eyes and willed sleep to take over. They hadn’t spoken since his parents had left. She knew he was upset but there was nothing she could say.

  She wrapped her arm around his waist and spooned him. The closeness was comforting.

  ‘I texted Char,’ he said quietly.

  She stopped breathing for a moment. ‘Oh?’

  ‘I had to. Mom would tell tell her if I didn’t.’

  Lydia buried her face in between his shoulder blades. ‘Are you going to see her?’ she asked in a muffled voice.

  ‘In an hour.’

  She felt her skin grow cold. His parents would come around; they had to. He was their son: their flesh and blood. Charlotte, on the other hand, was another story. She was about to have her life irrevocably changed forever. She was about to experience every bride’s nightmare.

  Lydia sat up and pulled her knees up to her chin. This all felt wrong. The showdown with his parents had been awful enough. The thing with Charlotte was bound to be much worse.

  ‘What will I do while you’re gone?’ The room was closing in on her. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She had a sudden yearning for her mother’s arms, her comforting voice. She felt isolated and vulnerable.

  ‘Mimi should be back soon. You could talk.’

  Lydia baulked at the idea. She didn’t feel comfortable in this apartment; she felt lost, totally isolated with no back-up and no support. She debated whether to ring Colin or not. He would cheer her up and would relish the story of Tara and Christian. That kind of drama was his thing, despite the enormity of it.

  ‘I’m not so sure …’ she began uncomfortably. ‘It’s not like we can talk about the weather …’

  Luca pulled out his phone. ‘Sure, I get that. Leave it with me.’

  He disappeared out the door and she could hear his voice from the kitchen. She used the time to text Colin, telling him that all was well and that she was happy.

  Pure lies, but what could she do? If he knew she was in trouble, he would take the first flight out to New York and she didn’t want him here in this situation.

  Luca came back into the room. ‘I sorted it out,’ he said. ‘Tyler’s going to take you out.’

  ‘Who?’ she said, not concentrating.

  ‘My buddy Ty. Remember? The redhead?’

  She brightened. ‘Oh yeah – he’s funny.’

  ‘He sure is. You guys could go for a hot dog or something.’ His face looked grim.

  ‘Will you be okay?’ she asked, rubbing his back.

  His face tightened. ‘I hate myself for what I’m about to do. She’s a great girl and she doesn’t deserve this.’

  Lydia nodded. ‘I wish we could spare her this pain.’

  ‘Me too, Lyd. Me too.’

  She watched him pull on a hoodie and prepare to leave. She didn’t envy him his task; in fact, she was dreading the outcome. It was all too much. She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take.

  Chapter 42

  Luca climbed the stairs of her apartment building. He had opted not to take the elevator as he needed time to plan what he was going to say. He knew what everybody was thinking: Luca Jacob, the guy who can’t be trusted. He had never been more positive about anything in his life. Sure, at the beginning he hadn’t believed it was true. She’d said she loved him but he hadn’t quite believed it. Call it self-preservation or something. Yet now he could feel it; he could see it in her eyes when she looked at him. He was learning to trust her again. She was the only girl to break his heart; she was the only girl to claim it completely again.

  He paused outside Charlotte’s door. He imagined her inside, waiting for him. Her pretty blonde hair tied up in a chignon, her beautiful face fixed in a smile. His text had been deliberately vague. Was that cruel? She was no doubt expecting a big reunion and he was about to end it all.

  He pressed the doorbell. His heart started to pound. The door opened and a smiling Charlotte beamed at him. She was wearing the yellow dress he loved. She looked stunning.

  ‘Hey, Char,’ he began.

  ‘Luca! I’m so glad you’re here. I was so worried.’ She pulled him into an embrace. He inhaled her perfume and sighed. This was going to be tough.

  ‘Can I get you a beer?’ she offered nervously. ‘That’s what you’d like, right?’

  He shook his head. ‘No, thanks.’

  He put his hands in his pockets awkwardly and she sensed his discomfort.

  ‘Look, Char, we need to talk.’

  ‘About?’ Her cheeks grew flushed.

  ‘About us. About the wedding.’ He didn’t dare meet her eyes.

  She sat down on the edge of the sofa and waited. She looked poised and elegant, despite the wave of panic that was rising within her.

  ‘I can’t marry you,’ he began.

  ‘Say again?’ she gasped, her brain struggling to comprehend his words.

  ‘I can’t marry you because I’m in love with someone else.’ He met her shocked gaze. ‘It wouldn’t be right.’

  She swallowed slowly, her mind in overdrive. All her suspicions had been confirmed, despite how outlandish they were.

  ‘Where have you been?’ she whispered. ‘For the past week?’

  ‘Ireland.’

  Her heart sank. So it was true. He went back to that Lydia girl.

  ‘Char, I didn’t mean for this to happen. We hooked up a few years ago – she broke my heart. She left me and went to Paris. It took me a long time to get over her, but now I realise that I never got over her. You see, when I saw her again, that was it.’

  She nodded but remained silent. A million questions raced through her brain and she was finding it difficult to process the information.

  ‘So, you want to marry her?’ she managed eventually.

  ‘I do.’

  Her world collapsed. She mustered every bit of strength she had and forced herself not to cry. The diamond ring on her finger mocked her. It symbolised hurt and pain – betrayal and duplicity. She wanted to throw it at his head.

  ‘Do you think she’s serious about you this time?’ she asked, her attorney brain kicking in. She had to look at both sides of the story.

  He did a double take. ‘What do you mean by that?’ he demanded.

  ‘Well, she left you before. How do you know that she’s genuine?’ Her blue eyes glittered with tears.

  ‘She loves me. I’m damn sure about that.’

  ‘I guess she loved that French guy too, huh?’

  ‘Charlotte, he’s got nothing to do with this. She loves me, not him.’

  ‘Then I guess you’d better leave.’

  Luca reached out to
touch her, but she flinched away.

  ‘Get out, Luca.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Char.’

  ‘Get the fuck out of my life!’ she screamed, jumping to her feet. ‘Get out, get out, GET OUT!’ She pushed his chest, propelling him backwards, until he stumbled out into the hallway.

  ‘Charlotte!’ he protested. ‘Stop!’ He made an attempt to re-enter the apartment, but she banged the door in his face.

  He stood immobile for a moment, his face ashen, and then slowly walked away.

  Charlotte rested her head against the door, too shocked and horrified to cry. That girl had unnerved her at the wedding; she should have listened to her gut. How could he leave her like this? A couple of weeks before the wedding? What would her friends think? Her colleagues? She worked with Christian, for Christ’s sake! The nausea rose up her throat and she bolted for the toilet.

  Minutes later, she rinsed her mouth clean and contemplated what to do. She loved him so much; he was her world. What was she going to do without him? Her wedding dress stood regally on a mannequin in the spare room, the lacy veil draped over the top. Everything was ready to go; she had been working so hard to make their special day the most perfect day imaginable. What was she going to do? Oh, what was she going to do?