How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  Cross-Dressing: Dressing in clothing usually worn by the opposite sex.

  Singles

  You’ve owned your sexuality, you’re hot and bothered, and you’re dying to find someone to play with. How do you do that? Back in the day, before the Internet, you had to find meetings of like-minded people—meetings known, then and now, as munches. These are casual and informal meetings that take place in restaurants or bars where there is no play at all. These are meant to provide a meeting place for like-minded people who come to share ideas, network, and converse about BDSM in a safe environment. Nowadays you can log into a chatroom, have your pick of Doms, subs, slaves or bottoms, slap that online Velcro collar on them and be off on as much as you like. Which do you think is more satisfying?

  Bound, spread open and helpless is a great way to spend a Saturday night!

  How to buckle wrist cuffs

  1 Get your tasty victim to bring her own cuffs to you in her mouth.

  2 Then pull her towards you with her leash.

  3 High quality wrist cuffs will be made of high quality leather.

  4 Have her present her wrists to you with the palm facing up.

  5 Make sure the cuff is nice and snug but not pinching anywhere.

  6 Firmly feed the strap through the buckle until it's firmly in place and enjoy your cuffed sub!

  Cuckoldry: When a Dom/me takes another sexual partner other than the submissive for the purpose of humiliating the submissive.

  Online can be great. In my experience, since I came to BDSM before the Internet explosion, I have seen what is good about pre- and post-Internet. Formerly, if you wanted to learn a particular skill, you had to find someone who was not only an expert in it but also willing to teach you. This requires social skills and learning how to be gracious in accepting that information, plus using it responsibly in future situations. The biggest drawback of the Internet is that it can offer an illusion of expertise. There is information that used to take years to acquire and absorb, now only a mouse click away. Imagine that you meet someone who sounds like he or she knows what she’s doing. She answers all the questions you pose, and then once you are all tied up she confesses that she learned everything about bondage from watching porn videos! Not a situation any bottoms or submissives want to find themselves in. Conversely, many of the older generation who went through the slow, real-life approach are reluctant to spill all their carefully gathered information, especially on the Internet where their information might end up in the hands of people who aren’t as conscious of safety and carefully gathered knowledge. I am taking a chance myself! In this book you are finding out more about this great big world of BDSM and I am spilling my secrets to help bring more knowledge to people who are just starting out. Some of this information could be used in a nonconsensual situation, but my hope in writing this book is that newbies will be alerted to the signs that not all new partners are what they seem to be.

  Dacryphilia: Sexual arousal in either partner by seeing tears in the other.

  Which way are you going to go: Methodical apprentice to a master rope artist? Or cyberslut who absorbs everything he can and jumps from one fetish to another figuring out what makes him tick?

  I propose a healthy blend of the two. The Internet provides a good resource for starting people down the path. I have found over the past few years that new people who come to me for play or training already have a strong idea of what the foundation of BDSM is about because of the Internet. Foundation is the key concept here. They use it as a starting place—a place to begin from. The BDSM community is highly adaptable and very good at taking care of its own. You will find that word travels very quickly and your reputation as you get involved in the real-world parties is your ticket to everywhere or nowhere. If you come to the scene and demonstrate the ability to follow the protocols, be gracious and generally have good manners, and can accompany it all with a smile and a compassionate attitude, the world will blossom for you. As people get to know you and like you, they will include you. Most likely you will start with a munch or two, then move on to a fetish night at a local club in a major city. After that, if you are good and positive and become well known for what you do or what you endure then the private parties will open up to you.

  You might meet someone online and really like his or her vibe, and like what he’s saying. I’m sure you have snooped around the Internet long before you bought this book and already know that when moving into a real-life meeting, you should always set it up for a public place and have a safe call in place. (See the section in chapter 8 on safe calls.) This can be an exciting time for both of you, wanting your hopes and desires to be returned in kind. Sometimes that vibe isn’t there in person and no one can be faulted for that. Before you go to meet anyone, you need to both agree that that might happen and if it does you should both part on friendly terms, because chances are you are going to run into each other at the fetish club next month and wouldn’t you rather have this person talk about you in glowing terms as “someone who is really great and has a lot to offer the community, but we didn’t quite click,” rather than saying “Stay away from that psycho!”? Honesty and integrity never go out of style.

  Pulling someone across your lap can make her feel helpless and exposed.

  DM or PM: Dungeon Monitor/Play Monitor—an experienced person who volunteers to supervise the interactions between couples during time in the event’s play space to ensure safety.

  Couples

  So what if you both want to try some role-play or just some play and each of your desires and wishes don’t quite mesh with what the other has in mind? Say you really want to do a long cross-dressing session where you are strapped down and your nipples are tortured, but your partner is leaning more toward putting you in the stocks and spanking your bad little ass red and raw? Negotiate and communicate with each other.

  During the early part of the twentieth century, academics such as Mary Parker Follett developed ideas suggesting that agreement often can be reached if parties look not at their stated positions but rather at their underlying interests and requirements. During the 1960s, Gerard I. Nierenberg recognized the role of negotiation in resolving disputes in personal, business and international relations. He states that the philosophies of the negotiators determine the direction a negotiation takes. His Everybody Wins philosophy assures that all parties benefit from the negotiation process which also produces more successful outcomes than the adversarial “winner takes all” approach.

  —wikipedia

  Dom/me: Man or woman who takes control.

  This is a situation where both parties can win. You might arrive at a nice compromise where you get some cross-dressing in along with having your ass spanked, your nipples clamped, and your upper torso locked in the stocks. Of course you may have to agree to some strap-on play or other activities that your Dom desires, but having the opportunity to look at what both of you want and need, you should be able to arrive at a nice middle ground. (For a fuller discussion of negotiating a scene, see the following chapter.)

  But what happens if the play dynamic is going to include other people? There has been a lot of discussion over the past several years regarding polyamorous relationships. Some people are naturally wired as poly, preferring multiple partners to a monogamous relationship. Some people enjoy monogamy with a little flexibility to include a selected third person. Still others enjoy several mutually satisfying play relationships while nurturing a primary relationship with one particular person. Being emotionally monogamous with one person but physically poly with others is a situation that requires a lot of trust, commitment and communication. It will force you to be completely open about whom you are seeing, what they mean to you, and what you are going to do with them. I have been in a few relationships like this, and I have found that if there is ever a stumbling point it is because one person is withholding something. It isn’t for everyone, but it can be a very rewarding experience and for some, might be the near-ideal type of relationship
for their particular situation and kink. You need to talk with your partner in a safe environment and on neutral ground about where you want to go with her and what role you need her to play so that she—or he—can make up her own mind if she can or wants to go there with you, what boundaries need to be set, and what you are both comfortable with. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

  Dressing up for each other gives possibilities for endless fun!

  Fetish Parties

  Dragon’s Tongue: An unusual type of percussion toy, consisting of a handle with a lash made of a wide piece of suede wrapped around it and then tapering to a point at the striking end. Creates a very loud and distinct sound and sensation when used on a submissive’s back or ass.

  Oh the fun we have when newbies come to their first Fet party! The wide-eyed expression, sometimes hiding behind the shoulder of the person who brought them there; other times their wild sides are unleashed and you can’t even get them down from the bar/stage/stripper pole where they’re dancing! Fetish parties are one of the reasons we love BDSM—the chance to dress up, get out and act sexual with others. The eye candy is hot, and the play is even hotter. Imagine yourself being led up a set of dark stairs at a downtown club you have never been to. You hear music thumping above your head, conversations, people laughing, and when you round the corner you are greeted by lights, smoke, and hundreds of people sheathed in latex, leather, feathers, fur, and maybe someone wearing a pair of black PVC boots with nothing else but a smile on! After all the years of longing to do this, you are overwhelmed at so many like-minded people in one place, dancing, playing, or chatting; it can be quite a stimulus overload. If you are single, hopefully you have met someone at a munch who invited you out; if you haven’t, then don’t be shy, now is the time to be friendly and warm, and don’t forget to smile. But how do you know what is acceptable behavior at a party? What happens if you are walking by and some adorable girl sheathed in latex has a bum that looks so good you just want to reach out and grab it?

  Hang on there, tiger. Chances are she belongs to or is with someone and as a newbie you don’t want to start off your new adventure by being blacklisted as someone who can’t keep his hands to himself. A fetish party normally has very clearly posted rules about what is and is not acceptable behavior. Above all of them is this simple one; burn it into your brain and you will do fine:

  Don’t touch what isn’t yours unless invited.

  This goes for people’s toys, slaves, Dominants; even their personal space might be an issue. If the fetish party is in a bar, then keep in mind what is acceptable in a public space like a bar—do you go groping any piece of ass that happens to walk by in a vanilla bar? Huh, huh? Not if you have half a brain. No, you are going to play nice with the other kids, be polite, and if you are new this is the time to network and get to know people. Chances are that if you want to be invited to private parties down the road then some of these people can make it happen. As I’ve mentioned earlier, in this community word travels fast. You want to be known as a positive person who has a lot to offer, not some letch that is selfish and doesn’t understand boundaries. And for god’s sake don’t get drunk your first night out! You will normally find that people in BDSM have such heavy control issues that in the set-up play space most will be drinking bottled water. We want our public play to be safe and fun. If you don’t know anyone at all, introduce yourself and ask questions. If you are polite and fun to be around you will be around for a long time. If you are the drunken little hussy, you will find someone to take you home but chances are that is not a rep you want to have. Play evenings are about fun; people are there for a good time and will welcome you if you demonstrate you are a positive person to be around. Chapter 5 will look at connecting with other like-minded kinky people in more detail.

  D/s: Domination/submission.

  Role-play Scenes

  Set up a scenario in advance with a phone call e.g., a nurse has been caught molesting her patient and now is being brought before the hospital administration for punishment.

  Dress in business attire and use your necktie as a great prop for quick bondage on a bad, bad secretary who’s made one too many typos.

  Let your partner be that slutty hooker who just jumped into your minivan when you were at a red light and is now all over you.

  Pretend you are a Daddy taking your little girl on a shopping spree on which she gets pouty because you say she has to earn her purchases.

  Have your partner lay out all of the toys for the evening, taking his or her time to arrange each and every one exactly the way you desire.

  There's nothing sexier than a killer pair of boots on a Mistress's foot.

  Chapter Four

  * * *

  What’s On The Menu: All About Negotiation

  What do you want? What does your play partner want?

  How can you both get what you want and at the same time have fun? Communication is expressing what you need, and then listening to the other person. Listening with an open mind will help you build trust and figure out how best you can explore different areas together.

  Wear Panties, Give a Foot Massage: Finding Middle Ground

  When you have a potential partner who is interested in playing, and you get each other hot and bothered, how do you figure out what you are comfortable with and vice versa? How are you going to get your needs met while the other person’s get met too? You might really be into someone, and he is into you, but your interests don’t synch up entirely. It happens and is normal. What do you do? First of all it depends on the level of commitment or interest. For married couples or people in a long-term committed relationship looking to spice up their sex lives, there will probably be things one partner is interested in that the other isn’t. I suggest that if your partner is really into something specific, and it doesn’t cross any personal boundaries with you, go ahead and indulge her. Then ask her to indulge you. For example, your husband comes to you and says, “Oh god, I really want to be cross-dressed and made to worship your feet, honey.” If that scenario doesn’t hold much interest for you, but it really doesn’t turn you off, give it a try. The worst that is going to happen is hubby wears your panty hose and you get a foot massage. How tough is that to deal with? And if he gives you a decent foot massage, you send him off to learn how to give you a proper pedicure! This is a skill that can spill over into your everyday life—wouldn’t it be nice to have someone pamper your feet after a hard day at work, and all for the cost of some panty hose, panties, and maybe an hour of your time? If you can keep an open mind about your partner’s fantasies, you can usually intertwine them with yours. Of course you should also be willing to let the shoe (pardon the pun) be worn on the other foot. If you have a deeply held desire to be strapped into tight bondage and ravished sexually, then communicate your desires so you both can work toward a situation where you can find middle ground that will serve both your interests. If you want someone to be open minded and willing to listen to your desires, you have to be willing to listen to hers. Negotiating can be a win-win situation. This chapter will help you figure out what is important to you, and how to discuss it with a potential partner in such a way that there are no hurt feelings.

  You've got to give a little to get a little!

  Dungeon: A room or full studio that is equipped with BDSM toys and equipment.

  Playing with power exchanges doesn't mean you can't laugh. Sex is meant to be fun!

  Edge Play: Play between partners that you might see at an event that will be beyond your own comfort level and can have an element of danger involved: fire, knives, et cetera. Experienced Edge Players typically will have sought out the DM/PM before playing to go over the house rules.

  Trust Me

  The word that frames this chapter best is trust. When you are asking someone what his interests are or sharing your most deeply held desire with him, you need to extend the comfort of trust to that person. If someone is going to let you tie her up and do all sorts of mean, nasty and wonderf
ul things to her, I guarantee you that trust is the biggest issue of all. There has been a lot of writing about the “gift of submission” in contemporary BDSM literature, and it certainly has its merits, but I prefer the word trust because it indicates that trust needs to be extended from both parties and is not just a one-way dynamic such as a gift. A Dominant or Top also has to know that he can trust the submissive or bottom to let him know that he or she is in or outside of her boundaries and is willing to extend the courtesy to him of trusting that those boundaries will be accepted and honored. Trust is a fragile thing; it can be broken and disappear in a heartbeat when someone is careless—that is what gives it such value. Recognizing how special the moment is while you’re pushing the other’s limits in kinky sex is going to require that you build trust between you both.

  Enema: Gently introducing water into the bowels through a nozzle inserted into the anus. Used for either pleasure or humiliation depending on the context of the scene.

  The bedroom or dungeon should be a sanctuary where you can open your heart and emotions to your partner and express what you really desire without fear of retribution or shame. Everyone’s sexuality is important. As individuals we need to own our sexuality and understand what makes us tick before expecting someone else to provide what we need. If you cannot communicate it effectively, how is your partner supposed to know what gets you off? You can’t expect someone to read your mind and know intuitively what your hot buttons are. That leads to unrealistic expectations.