How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  Experiment with different positions; some will offer different parts of the body a better opportunity to be slapped. Let’s not forget about the classic over-the-knee spanking. When you think of positions you want to try for flogging, keep in mind how it will facilitate your desires, coupled with safety. There will be a trade-off with every position. For example, if you bend someone into a ball you expose her kidneys but it also gives you better access to her strong shoulder muscles; if you strap him out tightly spread-eagle, you give yourself the opportunity to use toys gently on his cock and balls, but can’t get at his buttocks for spanking. Take it easy and let common sense prevail; you want to hurt them and tease them, not damage them!

  A riding crop is a BDSM classic, along with extremely tight jodhpurs and a stern expression.

  Sllutty shoes and a collar: has there even been a better combination?

  You can improvise with percussion play — a man’s belt is a great toy, and it’s always on hand!

  Safeword: A code word that has been previously agreed upon to slow down or stop a scene. RED means stop, YELLOW—slow down.

  Once you both get the feel of each other, your play partner doesn’t have to lie there like a bump on a log while you flog him. Have her move around and show through body language how much she loves what you are doing. Note, however, that there are bottoms who get so deeply into being flogged and reaching subspace that they don’t move around at all. This can be somewhat frustrating, and may seem as if you are only servicing their desires without getting any response in return. Personally, I like to have a submissive or bottom move and squirm and yelp and writhe—the struggling gets me off immensely. It gives me a very clear indication that what I am doing is really being taken and absorbed and “given back” to me. If you do have a partner who doesn’t move around a lot, outside of a scene is the time to discuss your own needs, as in “I really would like to see you move around more and make it look like you are enjoying it—you just lying there isn’t helping me into my own head-space as a Dominant.” Never use “negative” or “blaming” language when you want to encourage someone. We aren’t chastising at this point. This kind of bottom may well go so deep into subspace that he or she doesn’t realize she is just lying there.

  As a bottom, the quirt [a short-handled stock whip with a forked tongue] has been my favorite implement of torture. It happens to be Sir’s favorite toy, which certainly makes it more appealing to me, but there’s more to it than that. The quirt demands attention. It can feel as if it is cutting into your flesh, much like a good cane. It can be merciless. That kind of pain takes me quickly into subspace, makes the endorphins rush, and pushes my will to submit—making me reevaluate and submit to Sir over and over with almost every lash.

  —Annie, Switch

  Sexual Exhibitionist: A person that becomes sexually excited by being the center of attention.

  A classic BDSM toy is the riding crop. It conjures up images of prim and proper English riders with their jodhpurs, and smartly tailored jackets. This is a toy that can be used in a variety of ways to both stimulate good behavior and swiftly correct errant behavior.

  I prefer the short-ended riding crop, which comes in varying lengths, thicknesses, and decorative touches, as it has always produced explosive responses in me. My first time experiencing this crop, it was being wielded by a cunning Switch who had a thing for manipulation and punishment scenarios. Blindfolded and kneeling, I was asked to lay out my hands palm-up while he produced an innumerable array of crops and whips, letting me feel their individual potential. Each one had its own special use and desired outcome; tassels that tickled or woven leather that stung. Once I had selected the instrument that appealed to me as being neither too hard nor too flimsy, I was ordered to strip bare and turn full circle under his gaze. I was told I’d been a naughty girl, and was forced to describe what wrongdoings I’d done to deserve such admonition. Experiences of being trapped in a confession booth during elementary school outings to the local parish flashed before my closed eyes. I’d always offered some kind of overexaggerated “sin” like swearing, or getting in a fight with my sister. But those things paled in comparison with what was happening that very moment. I found myself bent over his knees, asscheeks up, his hands fondling between them, my heart racing. My captor began to smartly brandish the instrument I had selected. Lying prone, I mumbled the number of strokes of whip on skin, and began to lose count after eighty-seven or so, my mind swimming and my ass in white-hot pain, which I loved.

  —Babyslut, submissive

  Percussion is a dynamic form of play in which adapting and improvising can be very sexy. In the kitchen with no flogger in reach? Try a wooden spoon or cheap plastic spatula. In the garage, but your whip is tucked neatly under some clothes in the closet in your bedroom? How about those paint stir-sticks sitting on the workbench?

  My favorite toy is a man’s belt. I love the quiet clink when the buckle is being undone and the soft hiss it makes sliding from around his waist and through the belt loops. It can be used for bondage and most of all for a wonderful whipping! I love the feel of it when it wraps around my body and its tail bites into my ass or thighs, and perhaps my nipples get a sharp flick when I am helpless before him and he uses it on me however he desires. Knowing that it is strapped around his waist at all times in public and that he might use it on me for correction of my behavior always makes me wet.

  —Bliss, submissive

  There are always loads of potential toys in the kitchen.

  Don’t forget that you always have a dependable pair of percussive toys with you wherever you go. When you want to go really old school, use your hands!

  I have had everything from whisks to studded metal paddles to rabbit fur mittens used on me in a variety of strange and unusual ways, and by far the most thrilling “toy” I have at my disposal are my Master’s hands. I have always loved the touch of my partner’s hands, gentle or otherwise. There are some amazing sensations that only a specific manufactured toy can deliver, but in my opinion, nothing rivals the connection or intimacy of flesh touching flesh. It’s a whole different level of commitment and it takes a certain kind of Dominant to do it. It’s like the difference between people who garden with gloves and long-handled tools and those who go barehanded and dig with their fingers. I want the man with the dirt under his nails.

  —Victoria, slave

  Sexual Voyeur: A person that becomes sexually excited watching others engage in sexual acts or play.

  Some other wonderful toys that will no doubt take up room in your toy bag are paddles and canes. Even though percussive is percussive, these instruments will create widely different sensations despite the essentially similar method of delivery: striking with force.

  Almost anything can be a converted to a kinky toy with sufficient creative thought.

  One day while wandering through a department store, I came upon this small neon-green tennis racket that described itself as an electric bug zapper. I took it home, put batteries in it and showed it to my roommate. You press a button to charge it and swing; one shot to the palm of our hands and I immediately put it away! A few days later I get home to find that my roommate had sold it to a Top friend of ours, thinking she was doing me a favor. I soon became well acquainted with Mr. Sparky, as it was named, and the Top used it to explore my ass at the next fetish event. At first the little click of the charge and the crack it makes when it connects was a deterrent, but now it is one of my favorite sounds in the world

  —Tracy, submissive

  My favorite toy? It’s an electro dog collar that Master has retrofitted to fit around the balls. The remote control is designed so that it delivers a single jolt and can’t give a continuous charge. There are eight different levels. I’ve managed to get to level five with just flinching. Levels six to eight still get growls, moans, or screams depending on where my head’s at. Nothing like getting that quick jolt in the balls from across a crowded bar to let me know that Master wants me!

 
; —Master C’s slave Dan

  Playtime doesn’t have to be so hard core that you wind up being strapped down to a table in an evil mad scientist’s lair (although that does sound like a pretty tasty start to a role-play) filled with all kinds of buzzy and zappy things. You can just get started with something as simple as a vibrator. Imagine how kinky it was when it was first developed for the medical practice one hundred years ago to treat women’s “hysteria.” That’s a prescription most would enjoy.

  Some people identify with the term “slave”, while others prefer “submissive” or “bottom”.

  Slave: A submissive involved in a committed Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship.

  My fortuitous discovery of the Hitachi Magic Wand changed my life. This two-speed massager is advertised as a muscle relaxer; place it vibrating against a clitoris and you can immediately understand the massive female worship of this exceptional instrument. Upon my first encounter with the Magic Wand I reached a climax the likes of which I was previously unaware my body could attain, and squirted all over the floor! Since then it has become a staple item in my continuous expedition to find the apogee of pleasure.

  —Sabrina, submissive

  Getting Someone New Comfortable with Toys

  Picture this: you have met an exquisite newbie who is interested in exploring with you but is intimidated by floggers, whips and chains. How do you convince her that her life really would be much more complete if she let you fix your new clover-leaf nipple clamps to her areolae? Or some other such toy? This can be a scary and exciting time for someone who is new to kinky sex and the bottom line is that, regardless of whether they are bratty or shy, if they are truly interested they want to be reassured that it is going to be fun and not harsh. What I like to do with a new toy or new partners is demonstrate it to them, show how I would use the toy and show my skill level. I let them pick out a toy they are curious about and then I use it on myself or them, so they can see the reaction it causes. After all, nipple clamps aren’t really as intimidating as they initially look.

  Soft Limits: Something that someone is hesitant or nervous about doing but would like to try if they feel they are safe with you. For these people you need to go slow.

  I saw at a kinky craft fair a pair of nipple clamps with a beaded chain that can be worn as a necklace; my submissive now wears them under his shirt when we are out in public. I’ve put weights on his nipples, hot-waxed them, and licked and teased them while the clamps sharply bite into them. The best part is that moment where my submissive looks in my eyes as I am about to take the clamps off and the blood rushes back in, because it hurts the most but only for a quick second. I love having the power to give him pain or pleasure and once he’s in that situation with the clamps on, there’s only one way out and that is to make me happy.

  —Electric Melissa, ass-kicking gal

  Bottoms and submissives want to know that you are not only competent but also that you can wield that toy in a masterful way. Can you take those anal beads that you are waggling at them up your own butt comfortably? It is very reassuring to newbies that you HAVE put the time and energy into your own education and skill set to learn the subtle nuances of the toys you own. Did you put in the hours and hours to learn the single-tail whip on your own? Have you spent time flogging pillows and then graduated to people, and know how to use it to its full advantage? If you make your skill-set development of paramount importance to play, if you haven’t just picked up a nasty looking quirt from your last trip to Mexico the day before and are looking for a bottom to welt with it, that will make you much more attractive to any potential play partner. If it is your first time out with a new toy, be honest! Be up front and say, “I just picked up this delicious handmade flogger last night, do you mind letting me try it out on you if I go gently at first? You get to pop its toy cherry!” This sounds a whole lot more seductive than “Hey, I just got this stick-looking thing and have never tried it before, let me see what it can do to your ass!” As a bottom or submissive, if the Top is wielding something harsh looking and it is out of your comfort level, don’t be shy about letting him or her know. It’s your ass on the line. Being open with your communication will make you desirable as a play partner, not retreating into silence when you are asked a question like “What kinds of bruising is this going to cause and how do I treat it, since I am going to the gym tomorrow?”

  Submissive: The person that surrenders control either during a scene or all the time to another during erotic play.

  Things to Remember About Toys

  You don’t have to spend a lot of money on toys to have fun.

  Your toys are only an extension of the creativity in your own mind.

  Support local sex toy artisans when possible.

  Learn to demonstrate a toy on yourself.

  Listen to your partner’s feedback, and use it to your advantage.

  Curves like these will never go out of fashion.

  Chapter Eight

  * * *

  Safety

  What do you do if the person you are playing with has diabetes and her blood sugar level drops? What is your partner supposed to do if you have epileptic or an asthma attack? Perhaps you have a trick knee from an old sports injury that has a tendency to pop out of its joint when it gets twisted the wrong way? Dom and sub are both responsible for a safe play environment and for addressing health issues that may arise. These issues should never come as a surprise. Have you both communicated any pertinent personal health information so you know how to respond appropriately? Responsibility for safety falls squarely on you and your partner. If you hurt someone because of thoughtlessness or ignorance then you are ultimately liable for it and that is a heavy responsibility to bear. Play should be fun but safety should be serious.

  There has been an exhaustive amount of research done on safety within BDSM. Safety education is a long process, and having your certification in first aid is a good place to start. I can’t spell out all of the issues that can go wrong during playtime and how to fix or address them. This is why I highly recommend two seminal books on the subject: On the Safe Edge by Trevor Jacques and SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, for starters as well as others. This chapter will address some of the key issues in safety as a rough guide only; you should always seek the aid or advice of a medical professional for any serious health issue.

  Emotional and Psychological Safety

  Consent, consent, consent. We don’t indulge in kinky play without the consent of another. There can be no coercion or begging involved; it must be a consensual exchange of sexual and physical energy. One of the most delicious feelings we can experience in kinky sex is the feeling of surrender, of opening up physically, emotionally and mentally. With this feeling of exposure comes the responsibility of making sure your partner is experiencing it in a positive way. We can reassure our partners in many ways. Physically we can offer reassurance during playtime and cooldown; never underestimate the power of cuddling and holding either before, during or after a scene. Using positive “I” language is important when you are communicating with them; never use blaming language. If you ever need to correct their behavior, you might want to use that Oreo method we talked about in chapter 4. This is where you frame what you want corrected between two positively reinforced behaviors or actions in order to positively reinforce the ideas, behaviors, duties or concepts you want them to accomplish or embrace, for example: “I really love it when you are kneeling on the floor with your cheek pressed to the cold ground and your ass is nice and high, but if you arch your back a little more for me the way I like it, it will look extra slutty and it’ll feel much better when I am spanking you.” This delivers clear feedback so they know what they do well and what they can do better, all with positive language.

  Body harnesses shouldn’t cut too much into the flesh, and should be easy to untie.

  Sub Drop: A physical condition sometimes experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play, best prevented by providing aftercare i
mmediately following the session.

  A tone of respect is important. In an established relationship between a Dominant and submissive, the Dominant needs to be able to pick up on body language and other visual cues, especially if the sub cannot verbalize that something is wrong. Ideally, they should pick up on it right away, for instance, through a predetermined action (i.e., the submissive’s safeword is replaced by an action such as dropping a small object). If these cues are not attended to, and a “rupture” in the fabric of trust is exposed, it is invariably worse to say nothing or do nothing out of fear of looking inexperienced. Open the door to communication immediately without being disrespectful. A simple “Please tell me what is going on, baby,” can be sufficient. It is also the submissives’ responsibility to communicate their concerns—dialog and communication go two ways. If something goes wrong, whether it be the result of a physical or emotional trigger, a responsible and caring partner will contain the situation. When people are in a vulnerable place, they may feel as though their entire being is going to disintegrate or destruct—that if they don’t have a strong person there to guide them, they could shatter. They need to feel as though they are figuratively being held and be confident in the knowledge that the moment is contained and they are safe.