by K. T Fisher
He runs straight up to me when he see's me and I pick him up and carry him to the car, even though he is getting heavier. On the way back in the car I tell him where have spaghetti bolognese, one of his favourite dinners and he seems happy enough. I'm worried I might not be able to eat it though.
At the kitchen table I have finished my dinner and was surprised my tongue was OK. I'm watching Finley finish eating his, he looks so funny, his concentration on picking up all the spaghetti and has a big orange circle around his mouth.
"So was you a good boy at school today?"
"Yes mummy."
"Good boy. Tomorrow I was thinking if you wanted to go to the park?"
He slams his spoon and fork down and shouts.
"Yeaaaaaaa!"
I think he wants to go the park. I laugh to myself, I really do love my son. As soon as I think that I get that familiar stab of guilt in my heart. I feel selfish for having Finley all to myself and getting these rush of emotions from him. Jax should be feeling this too and it's my fault that his not. Finley finishes his dinner and drink and lifts his arms to me, he suddenly looks very tired. I stand to lift him in my arms and he wraps his legs around my hips, I hold onto him tight as we walk up the stairs. This little boy is my world and I'm scared I've done wrong by him. I wash his face and get him into his pajamas. I read him a bedtime story and halfway through he falls asleep.
When I go back downstairs I clean up and settle down to watch some TV when I see a text on my phone and when I see it's from Harley I hesitate a little.
HARLEY: Hey Kendal it's Harley. It was nice seeing u 2day. Im sorry
if I made u uncomfortable but its true. I do miss u,
cud we b friends? xxx
I stare at his text for a while thinking of what I could reply. Could we be friends? I don't know, I would like to because I do actually miss his friendship but I don't know if it would just be awkward.
ME: Yh was good 2 c u 2. No I wasnt u just shocked me and I
think friends wud b nice but do u think thats a good idea?
I don't put any kisses and I get a text almost immediately back from him.
HARLEY: I think friends wud b perfect, I do miss u Kendal, I
miss talking 2 u and having a laugh. Maybe 1 day we cud meet
up for dinner sometime and catch up. As friends?
I agree to meeting up sometime but I don't know when that would be. I'm not ready yet but I will meet up some time in the near future because I do agree with what he says. We had a good friendship before it got all sexual and complicated everything.
Chapter 8
"Wakey wakey! Wakey wakey! Wakey wakey!"
I don't even know why I bother setting my alarm for every morning. Finley managers to get up before it's set to go off every morning. He is my alarm clock and there's no snooze button for Finley, when he wakes up I have to get up. His still bouncing on my bed.
"Get up mummy!"
I grab my phone and wince when the screen wakes up and shines brightly in my eyes. I squint at the screen and manage to make out the time, it's 6:30! I roll over on my front and groan into the pillow like I'm a teenager being shouted at by my mum to get up for school. Finley has outdone himself today, a full hour before my alarm was set for. I roll back over and pat the empty space beside me.
"Come and have a cuddle with mummy."
He quirks his eyebrows at me like I'm crazy but then it disappears and he jumps under the covers with me. He giggles a little as he wiggles about to get comfy. I cuddle up to him and sigh deeply. Who needs a man when I have my little man right here. Finley is everything I need.
"I love you buddy."
He squeezes me tightly with his tiny little arms.
"Love you mummy."
Oh my God I think I just felt my heart swell in my chest.
"Mmmm lets go sleep."
I feel sleepy again, well I didn't actually fully wake up to start with. It silent and I smile to myself thinking I have gotten away with it.
"Mummy, juice pleeese."
I inwardly groan. I should have known better really. So I guess I better get up. At least he said please.
"And biscuits."
I flip the covers off me and sit up.
"Please mummy."
"Yes OK Finley, let me go wee wee first."
I get up off my bed and begin to walk when a little blur of fast movement comes from beside me. Finley pounces off my bed and barges past me.
"I go wee wee first!"
Everything is a competition with him lately. I watch him from the doorway as he grabs his blue toilet stool and does his wee. His standing up and it makes me smile, last week he walked in on James when he was over and saw him standing, now Finley wants to do the same. My smile fades when I realize it's another one of those moments but I haven't seen or heard anything else about Jax and the guys. Finley turns while his still weeing.
"Mummy!"
I quickly turn around hiding my smile
"Oh sorry."
I watch from the corner of my eye as he shakes his legs and then pulls up his trousers. He stands off his stool and goes to wash his hands. He patiently waits for me and then we go downstairs and he so nicely reminds me of his demands.
After we sit together for half an hour watching cartoons and eating our breakfast I leave him to his toys while I get ready for work. I pick black shorts today with my purple Bianca's work top. Simple make-up with my usual cat eyeliner flick and I pull my hair up in a high messy bun. It's a hot day and it's going to be even hotter in the salon. Hair dryers and straighteners along with the hot temperature makes a sweaty day. So I'm glad I'm not working a full day, I shout Finley to come upstairs so he can pick out his clothes and he reaches for his jeans,
"Fin you will be too hot in jeans."
He huffs and grabs his red knee length chino shorts and a simple white shirt.
"And a hat."
There was no need to remind him because his already grabbing his red flat peek hat. When we get downstairs I look at what shoes he selects , his white vans, no socks. I only have fifteen minutes to get to work so it's a quick goodbye to Finley, not that he cares. His already left me and ran off to his group of friends. I explain to his teacher my dad will be fetching him and I leave.
As soon as I walk into walk it's like I have walked into a sauna. I take a quick look at the bookings, the first appointment is in half an hour but mine isn't till ten, it's Maisy who wants her acrylic nails redoing. I don't know how women can wear them 24/7, I prefer to just paint mine every week. It's too stuffy in here I need to open some windows, I can't believe nobody else has opened a window yet! I leave one of the front doors open and go and see if I need to open a window or two in the staff room. Just because Bianca's not back yet doesn't mean one of these girls shouldn't think to crack open a window, how can they be in this sweatbox? Tanya opened up today but she's on a house call right now. One of the girls in the salon opens the staff room door and smiles at me.
"Hey Kendal, there's a sexy guy asking for you at reception."
Sexy guy? Who could that be? I thank her and think it could be Harley I suppose. His the only sexy gut I know at the minute. I enter the reception area and see exactly who the sexy guy is. I wouldn't choose the word sexy because I definitely don't see him that way but I suppose if you didn't think of him as your brother he is a very good looking man. Standing there with his dark blonde hair looking a mess is my close friend James. His looking a bit rough looking at the minute, wait his in a shirt and dark skinny jeans. He went out last night, are those last nights clothes? Oh! Ew!
"Hey James, whats up?"
He smiles at me and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. I can't ignore the fact his looking a little uncomfortable.
"Can you talk?"
I look up at the clock, Maisys not due until another half hour. I nod and step out in front of the salon into the fresh air. Aww that feels better. I stand and look at him for a couple of minutes but he says nothing. His looking
anywhere but me and I'm getting a sence of deja vu here and I don't like it.
"James you said we needed to talk?"
"Yea, erm."
He scratches the back of his neck and looks straight at me.
"Last time you were upset about us not saying anything so I thought I'd just come and tell you straight away."
I roll my hand for him to carry on but I'm shitting myself. Every time I have been upset with the guys recently is because they didn't tell me about seeing Jax, Rhys, Leo or Max and I have a really bad feeling that's what James is going to say.
"Right OK, well I stayed out last night and I was just walking it back when a guy was jogging towards me and he was giving me a funny look. He had his cap on low so I couldn't really see his face but when he came up close I saw exactly who is was. We both looked back at each other so he knew it was me too."
"Who James?"
I ask desperately.
"It was Rhys."
Oh fuck. Wait didn't he talk to him?
"Where was this? Did you talk to him?"
"On that quiet road going up to the big houses at the back of town. Probably has a place down there. No we didn't talk, it was pretty weird."
I give James a slight nod. I wish he could have spoken to him, I need a number or an address for Jax.
"Well that's three out of the four of them. Jax is definitely here, if you see any of them again I need a number or something please James. Tell the guys for me.
He frowns at me and just nods his OK.
"You gona finally tell him?"
I smile and nod my head yes.
"Thanks for letting me no James."
"I didn't know weither to wait or not because your at work but I had to tell you Kendal. I felt like shit last time and I think you'r doing the right thing by the way. He needs to know, Finley's an awesome kid."
He gives me a big hug and another kiss on the cheek and whispers he loves me. I watch him walk away before I go back into work.
I set up for when Maisy arrives. As soon as she sees my face she knows something is wrong and I don't hold back on her. I don't even start her nails until after I've finished my rant. Giving her every detail that James told me. I really respect him for telling me but I can't help but wish he would have waited until after I finished work because now my brain is thinking overtime. Maisy listens to every I say and gives her input at appropriate times like a good friend. After I have unloaded and calmed down I start on Maisy's nails.
"I suppose it's only a matter of time until one of us sets eyes on Jax now."
I smudge her nail art on her middle finger. Shit! She could have warned me she was going to come out with something like that.
"Oh shit, sorry Kendal, me and my big mouth, I didn't think I'm sorry."
I wish everyone would stop saying sorry and looking at me like I'm on my death bed. I appreciate them being here for me and I feel really ungrateful but I don't need them to pity me. It makes it to hard to cope.
"Maisy it's fine, I'd wish you would all stop being all sensitive around me."
"We just don't know what to say honey and then we don't know how your going to react to what we say. Were just looking out for you, were worried about you. This is a big thing, you know were all here for you don't you? We would do anything to help."
Well now I just feel like a piece of shit. But she's right, I am being ungrateful thinking badly of there sympathy. They really are the best group of friends.
"I'm sorry too. It's just hard, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm shitting myself. I just want all of you to go back to normal, be yourself's and that will really help."
"I'm sure we can all do that."
After I redo Maisy's nail that I messed up, I finish the rest and then I only have time for a quick cup of tea before my next appointment is here. While I'm half way through cutting the girls hair Tanya walks in and gives me those darn sad eyes. I'm going to have to sit everyone down and tell them what I told Maisy, I need to give it them all straight. I can't look at those sad eyes anymore, if anything there making me feel worse. I could be forgetting for a little bit about Jax and all this stress but then I see one of them and there pity face reminds me of everything. I can't wait to finish work and spend the est of the day at the park with my little boy.
*~*~*
"Mummys home!"
I've only just taken off one shoe when two little arms wrap around one of my legs. Finley is jumping up and down, I would like to think his this excited but his missed me and his pleased to see but I know it's because were going to the park. I take what I can get though and pretend it's for me.
"Hello rockstar, you been good for grandad?"
"Good as gold" My dad into the hallway from the living room, my dad looks a bit mean looking. All big build and deep voice, a few tattoos. If he doesn't like you, you have problems but if he likes you he will do his best by you every time. I've always been a daddy's girl, me and my mum have our moments but me and my dad don't get into bitchy fights and he leaves me in peace. He may look like an angry rocker but his my big teddy bear. My dad won't let anyone tell me this but he gives the best hugs ever.
"Thanks for fetching him today dad."
"Don't even mention it kiddo, you know me and your mum love spending anytime with Fin. Anytime you need us were there you know that."
God his words bring a lump in my throat. He has a cup of tea waiting for me so we have a little chat at my kitchen table.
"If you can't talk to ya mum ya no ya can always come to me don't ya angel?"
I look up to my dad and wish I could crawl up into his arms and have one of those hugs. He may not realize but his words just made my insides crack a little. Talking to my dad is a lot different than a talk with my mum.
"I'm OK dad."
He doesn't buy it.
"Kendal ya mum told me everything. I know she can be a pain but she's ya mum, she cares for ya. If ya can't talk to ya mum about me ya always got me."
I stand and rush into his big strong arms and snuggle into him. This is what I needed, my dad. He squeezes me tight and kisses me forehead.
"Ya not on ya own angel, got it?"
I nod because if I speak I will cry. I'm relieved he hasn't put the Jax mum told him about to my Jax. I put myself together before Finley barges in from the garden. Before my dad leaves he kisses mine and Finley's foreheads. I get out of my work clothes and into my light blue denim shorts, white vest top. I patch up my bun and I'm good to go. I pack me and Finley a sandwich and then were ready for the park.
"Can I take my bike?"
Hmmmm. Last time he took his bike I ended up pulling it along on the way back giving me cut ankles where the peddles kept bashing me.
"Only if you ride it there and back Finley. I'm not rolling it home this time."
"Promise mummy"
I agree and put on my blue vans and he fetches his bike from the cupboard under the stairs with his matching helmet. We eventually make it to the park because Finley can only ride his bike so fast and he doesn't stop talking on the fifteen minute walk. He talks about his friends, what he did at school, Sam and Jessica's puppy and he even his shares his thoughts on my hair colour.
"Logan said his mummy hair is brown and I said my mummy's is purple but Logan said you can't have purple hair but I said it is. Ben told Logan he saw my mummy with the purple hair. I said my mummy hair is purple because my mummy is the cooliest mummy!"
I know he was just rambling on but that little speech of his made me feel so proud of my son. The fact he called me the cooliest is just so dam cute.
"Aw thankyou Finley. Your the coolest little boy too."
He beams his best smile up at me and squints his eye in the sunlight. This boy is my whole world. I try and do best for him as much and as best as I can. I'd love to spend every minute of every day with him but he has school and I have work. My odd work hours are a pain sometimes but when we have chances like this I like to be with my son. He seems happy and that makes me happy.
When I was pregnant I had nightmares of Jax being angry at me for trapping him and blaming me for giving up his dream and it made all three of us miserable. That's why I was so scared and did what I did but I'm regretting my choice more and more each day. We reach the park and I sit on a bench watching Finley run like crazy all over the park. As I watch him I think about telling Jax he has a son. I wouldn't even know how to contact him but I could bump into him or the band anytime soon anyway. I've sent a text to everyone that if they see any of them again try and get me any of there phone numbers or address. I now now it's best I tell him. I mean you never know it might be easier for him at this time in his carrier because his now signed up to a record label. His made it and has songs in the chart. His living his dream now but when I found out I was pregnant he was still trying so hard to make it. He wasn't making good money, he traveled everywhere and when I wasn't at college I would be at his side. If I would have told him he would have gotten a normal job to support us because his a good man. He would have done that for us so I couldn't let him. I love him to much for him to do that. I was doing what I loved, why couldn't he?
