by Lily Zante
“Thanks. You too. Take it easy and have a good break too. Okay?” She flipped her boss an arched eyebrow. “Don’t forget to go home and stay there for a few days.”
“Ethan won’t let me out of his sight, don’t worry.”
Quickly, Melissa cleared away her desk and admired the wood surface now devoid of clutter. Empty, clear, clean.
Going home was a blessing and she was ready to spend Christmas week with her family. She’d be back here in time for New Year’s. And that’s when she’d worry about Matt and ending it with him.
Throughout her journey home Melissa’s thoughts jolted up and down, at times darkened by her situation with Matt, and uplifted by thoughts of Noah. As long as she had Matt skulking over her, she wasn’t able to lose herself in the possibility that was Noah.
Stepping back into her warm home, and into the arms of her loving parents, was exactly the thing she’d been missing and so sorely needed.
The Christmas break took her mind away from work, and Matt. And when her mother took her to one side and asked her whether she’d met anyone, Melissa shook her head, and said no.
Because they’d parted on not so friendly terms, communication between her and Matt was thankfully minimal. And after he’d sent her an image on Christmas Eve of her lying on his bed, in a semi state of undress, she switched off her cell phone altogether and resolved not to contact him at all.
Not even to wish him a Merry Christmas.
Chapter 17
A silent sadness spread all around the miserable place and even the floral shots of color that peppered the bleak landscape, like Monet teardrops on a dull canvas, were powerless to lift the gloom.
A sea of tranquility descended over him, covering the turbulent sadness that lingered deep inside.
Of course he’d come empty-handed. What was the point of buying flowers? It wasn’t as if she’d admire them, or tell him how much she loved the color, or the smell of them. It wasn’t as though she could run her fingers over the petals.
Not now that she lay under here.
Noah crouched down and his gaze dropped to the mottled dark gray tombstone. Cold and hard, it protruded like a shimmering iceberg from the chilled, rock-solid earth.
She was one of the first people he had loved, and now she was gone. At first he started to count the hours since he’d last seen her. The days, and then the months and ….now it was a year. Through it all he still wondered: could I have saved her?
The last time he’d seen her had been two weeks before she died. They had separated by then; it had been her way of pushing him away, the way she always engineered everything. She’d fought for control—control of her body, control of her urges, of the constant eating and purging.
Bit by bit he was piecing it together. The patterns and the excuses. Always the excuses: why she couldn’t meet up, the last minute cancelling of plans. He would later discover that it was during these sudden, last-minute unexplained absences that she would binge, then vomit, then swear she’d never do it again. Then she would go and work out for hours at the gym. It was a constant battle, between excess and repentance, a cycle she could never break.
Her parents had offered to accompany him to the cemetery today, but he knew they each needed their time alone to grieve. As much as he had loved her, even Noah knew that in time, while he might not completely forget, he would move on. That someone else would come along and replace the memories, the touches, the hopes.
But for her parents, there would be no such respite, no such replacement. Nor for her sister. He knew, despite his own pain—as sharp and as deep as it was—the pain of her parents went deeper, was sharper, would be ever present.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Yet at the same time he never thought of her as being here, even as he read the inscription on the tombstone.
The Bree he’d fallen in love with was not here. Even when he recalled their times together, in his memories she was never the frail ghost of her former self. He chose to remember only the beautiful, healthy girl from high school.
The sorrow came not just from losing the beautiful girl who had gone but also for the lost chances and missed moments that might have saved her life.
It didn’t matter how many times his parents or her parents told him he couldn’t have done anything. He still believed he could have.
Crouched over the unforgiving earth, Noah’s eyes focused on the tombstone, and he sat, a solitary figured hunched over, until the angry sky turned even darker.
He had to be here, to mark the passing of a year.
But Christmas Eve would be forever tainted.
Chapter 18
The bitter chill of the miserable and wet foggy morning trailed behind her as Melissa pushed open the glass door to the coffee shop. The warmth kissed her face and the bitter aroma of coffee welcomed her in.
Returning to work was hard enough, but facing the fog of San Francisco added another layer of harshness to the already gloomy prospect. Especially when it meant leaving the peaceful contentment of home and her parents.
She’d considered calling in sick, so that she could have a few extra days off. But in the end, her conscience intervened and she dragged herself back to work when so many were still enjoying the break probably still snuggled up in bed with loved ones for a few more lazy days.
Heather was already back, and with things between them now normal again, the return to the city was bearable.
She joined the end of the line, loosening the scarf around her neck and pushing her hair over her shoulders, her thoughts scattered, as she got ready to order the usual.
“Hey,” said Noah, in his affable voice, instantly brightening her day.
“Good morning.” A smile formed on her lips as she greeted him. He’d been in her thoughts most moments, sometimes foremost and vibrant, and other times dimmer and in the background. But always there.
Her grin widened even more when she saw him casually observing the selection of cakes and pastries being offered.
“I haven’t been waiting here for you all morning. I promise,” he said, turning to face her, his eyes examining her as though he’d seen her for the first time. Her gaze dropped to the takeout coffee cup in his hand and her hopes, just like her heart, plummeted to the floor.
He was leaving.
“Of course you haven’t.” She stared at his fingers as he ran them through his hair, sweeping it back at the sides in the style he often wore it. She couldn’t have asked for anything more than to see him on her first day back
“It needs a cut, I know,” he said, becoming aware of her stare.
“Don’t—it looks nice long.”
“Then I’ll leave it a while.”
“Sorry.” Someone pushed past them and they both instinctively moved to the side, out of the direct path from the door to the coffee station.
This period between Christmas and New Year meant it was still quiet on the streets, even downtown San Francisco was laid back. She’d come a little early today. Not too early. Not gym early. She hadn’t been to the gym for a long time. And maybe she wouldn’t go back there again.
They smiled at one another. But this time his gaze was more searching, a little more intense than usual and it made her wonder. Had he been thinking of her as much as she’d thought of him during their time apart?
Or was it just her? Did he sense this feeling, like a low thrum of electricity between them? Invisible, but there.
Definitely there.
In the bloated silence Melissa felt eerily restless. She wanted to talk to him, had imagined this moment during her days away. And yet she also felt a little uncomfortable standing in that gap of possibility, suddenly afraid to cross that line. She moved to a safer topic. “Did you have a good Christmas?” But she wasn’t prepared for the way his face darkened at such a simple question. Reading people’s moods was a skill she’d acquired from an early age, and being with Matt had enabled her to hone in on it. She’d know instantly his moods, his lows and highs, and
be able to adapt herself to them.
So it was now with Noah. Something had happened during Christmas and he didn’t seem keen to talk about it. Maybe it would be better if she didn’t ask him about his move either.
But before she had the chance to fix it, he beat her to it. “Did you?”
She smiled thinking back to her time with her family. Christmas had been amazing but she tempered her exuberance. “I did. I spent time with my family and friends from back home. It was great.”
“That’s good.”
She tried to think of questions she could ask, safe ones. And there was the obvious one: whether he was single, or not.
“I moved a couple of days before the break,” he volunteered, omitting reference to Christmas altogether.
“Great. I was wondering how that went.” She gave him space to disclose more.
“It was time to move on.” That was all he said about it. They stood politely, like faltering neighbors—unsure and afraid yet interested all the same—each waiting for the other to say something, to say anything.
“Are you getting something?” she asked, indicating pastries behind the plastic covered counter.
“I’m not sure,” he replied, and took another good look at the selection being offered.
“Hey, Melissa. How’s it going?” It was her friend from accounts. “You coming? I’ll wait for you.”
“Sure,” she told her friend. “I’d—uh—I’d better go,” she said to Noah, reluctantly.
Noah stepped away. “Me too.” He held onto his cup. “It was good to see you.” He paused as though he didn’t want to leave.
“Good to see you too,” she said, not wanting him to go. “Have a good day.”
“You have a good day, too.”
She joined her friend and looked back at Noah as he walked past the window. Disappointment already dragging her day down.
Chapter 19
One step forward and three back.
Noah wasn’t ready to leave her yet. He’d been waiting for her to get back and bumping into Melissa first thing in the morning had been the best thing to happen to him in days. He could have happily stayed and continued talking to her. Instead, he was on his way to work, and as he glanced back through the window he saw her looking at him.
He’d been almost on the verge of asking her if she wanted to sit down. Maybe they could have caught up on things. It wasn’t such a crazy idea; they’d had lunch together a few weeks ago and she’d stolen into his thoughts ever since.
He sometimes felt guilty for thinking of Bree. And sometimes he felt guilty for thinking of Melissa when he should have been thinking of Bree.
He had survived Christmas—that was the main thing. Moving into the new apartment reaffirmed his belief that he was moving on with his life. Returning to the city, to the routine of work made things easier.
His parents had wanted him to stay longer; he knew they were worried about him. But he was going to be fine. It was Bree’s parents he found harder to look in the eye. Faces so haggard they’d aged overnight in the space of a few months.
He could see how losing a child, even a grown woman in her early twenties, would do that to people.
Visiting her grave had been the hardest thing and he had left as soon as he was politely able to. Paul had gone home for Christmas and would be back tomorrow; so for now it was him and the other guy who he only met once when he came to pick up his key.
Noah held onto his coffee cup, and wondered for a moment whether to walk back to the coffee shop and ask Melissa if she was free for lunch. He could swear she had perked up as soon as she’d seen him. She had telltale signs, and the way her face tinted warm pink, he knew wasn’t completely from the cold. It was the perfect giveaway.
She did feel it. It wasn’t just him. Maybe Melissa would be the girl that made him believe again. She was gorgeous—not in a show-off way. She didn’t scream big hair or short skirts because she was so understated, so quietly gorgeous, as if most of the time she had no idea she was so pretty.
Even though he knew he liked her, he had to be careful. The last thing he wanted was to have her think he was some sort of creep who stalked her.
Maybe she liked him too.
But maybe she had a boyfriend.
Or maybe not, because she’d never actually mentioned one.
He’d have to think about throwing that into a conversation casually.
Seeing her first thing on his return to work was almost like a sign. Maybe this year good things were in store. He had walked much further down the street, but he turned anyway and dared to look back on the off chance. There she was, a figure in a dark coat, with a splash of purple around her neck.
A girl like that—what were the odds that she was single?
Chapter 20
She got into the elevator, her spirits lifted and her attention consumed by the recent sighting of Noah. As the doors slid shut, Matt scrambled through, and his excited-to-see-her face held her captive.
“Welcome back.” He slipped his hands so familiarly around her waist as she heard the doors close. Too familiar, she thought, especially since they’d barely spoken over Christmas.
He moved in for a kiss and pecked her on the lips. “I’ve missed you.”
A heavy weight descended in her stomach, painful and slow, pulling her spirits down along with it. She scarcely had time to catch her breath, to put her sweet thoughts safely away.
Both his hands clasped possessively around her, stuck to her body like glue. She stood with her arms bent awkwardly at the elbows, holding a coffee cup in one hand and the calorie-laden muffin in the other.
She wriggled out of his grasp. “I’m going to spill this,” she warned him, moving away.
Judging from the scribbled notebook in his hand and the slight whiff of body odor that hit her, he appeared to have been here a while. It wasn’t the start of his day.
Had he even taken any time off? Had he spent time with loved ones?
“We didn’t get to say ‘bye’ properly before you left.” He was unusually calm, given that she had pretty much run like hell that last day to avoid bumping into him.
“We did say bye—Nadine was there, remember?” she reminded him, even though she knew he was right.
“I’ve still got your Christmas present,” he said flatly.
She remained silent. She had his. Somewhere. But had no intention of swapping presents with him anymore.
“How come you didn’t get in touch much over the holidays? I sent you a couple of texts.”
“I thought I told you not to send me those pictures anymore.” And he would never be able to take any more of her again. He shrugged in answer. Though they both knew his anger had drawn out over the whole of the Christmas break. Luckily, it had suited her just fine.
“How have you been?” she asked, more to fill the void than anything else when he cast a disapproving eye over her muffin.
“I’ve missed you.” His gaze penetrated deeper, as if he was trying to figure out her aloofness. She couldn’t say it. Couldn’t tell him she missed him back because she hadn’t.
He leaned back against the elevator wall, observing her carefully as he took a pen out from behind his ear and fiddled with it. She knew he sensed that all was not right. Not wanting to lie, she changed the subject. “Have you been here the whole time?”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, straightening up and ignoring her question completely.
She couldn’t deal with it first thing in the morning. “First day back blues. You know how it is.”
The elevator stopped at the floor before hers and he paused, looked her way. “I’ll come by once I’m done with a few calls,” he said.
“Sure.”
Sometime after, she sat at her desk, doodling away on the jotter pad in front of her. It was quiet all around and empty; people would stagger their return to the office and it would be a few days yet, probably after New Year’s, that it would be at full capacity again.
P
erfect. Because it gave her plenty of thinking time, daydreaming time, decision-making time.
She knew what she needed to do. Now she had to summon up the strength to do it.
Was it happenstance that the guy she had run into first thing in the morning was the same guy who had occupied her thoughts the entire time she had been at her parents? Had she unconsciously sought him out each morning?
It both frightened and excited her. Because even though she sometimes felt that she hardly knew him, there were many times when she thought she knew him too well.
Seeing him this morning felt like a sign: out with the old. And that included Matt. No starker contrast had there been than to have him plaster his sloppy kiss on her when taking her completely by surprise.
In with the new. Did that mean Noah? She shifted in her chair, shook her head; she barely knew him. He was still, to all intents and purposes, a stranger, even though they’d shared a few heartrending glances, a knowing smile here and there, veiled words, stolen moments.
Today she felt sure he was about to ask her something—just as it always seemed to her that he was about to ask her something. Or maybe she had high hopes that he would.
Had her friend not interrupted, perhaps he might have asked her whatever it was he was going to ask her.
Now, as she doodled away, she knew she couldn’t delay it any longer; she had to tell Matt. Seeing him this morning, the way he’d kissed her, assaulted her by mouth, she knew she had to end it.
There would be fallout from this and she would need nerves of steel to deal with it.
“Good morning, Melissa.” Michael Zimmerman, the head of the company, stopped at her desk.
“Good morning, Mr. Zimmerman.” She smoothed her arm over her doodled artwork. Something was going on and Melissa wasn’t sure what it was, but Mr. Zimmerman had lots of meetings already scheduled for the first week back after the New Year.
She hadn’t seen any managers around. Even Nadine wasn’t in, and only a few of the administrative support staff were scattered about, like her. Something was definitely going on behind the scenes and Melissa knew that in time Nadine would tell her.
