by Lily Zante
“Somewhat of a quiet day, isn’t it?”
“It sure is.” She smiled back, keeping her arm over her jotter pad.
“Make the most of it; we’re going to be busier than ever once the new year starts.” And with that lofty assurance, he left her to think about work again.
She wondered what Ethan and Nadine were up to. Nadine had mentioned something about going home to see her parents over the New Year. Any time that woman had away from work was a blessing.
Talking of the New Year, she wasn’t sure what she was going to do. She and Heather had talked about it briefly, mulled over their options: spending a night in, or braving it and going out to a New Year’s Eve party with a group of Heather’s friends.
One thing she knew, she didn’t want to do anything with Matt, but timing was crucial and she had to act fast. If she left it any later, if she dragged it out until tomorrow, it would be a huge mistake.
Breaking up with someone on New Year’s Eve was a sin. And God only knew she didn’t want to drag this mess into the new year.
It had to be today. When he’d ventured up to her desk, soon after lunch, she’d managed to throw him a signal which she hoped would prepare him for the ending that would come later. She’d arranged to meet him in the lobby at the end of the workday.
Five thirty, she’d told him, and in case he got to thinking about any ideas, she had forewarned him with her words. “We have to talk.”
Chapter 21
At exactly 5.30 p.m., Melissa waited in a corner of the lobby, her eyes darting in the direction of the elevator bank every so often. Her stomach churned as she counted the slow minutes, willing for this moment to be over.
All afternoon she’d run through the numerous permutations of how their conversation might turn out: what she’d say, and how he would respond.
Her heart stopped in her mouth when she saw Matt get out of the elevator and look around for her. Their gazes locked and he swaggered over to her, to the corner of the huge white marbled lobby, the color broken up by swathes of potted green plants and a couple of men in dark navy blue at either end of the huge open space.
This time his arms remained locked by his side. He faced her wordlessly, no greeting or acknowledgement, as if he was waiting for her to deliver what it was she had to say.
She glanced at the security guard, who caught her eye and nodded at her. Had he sensed her unease? Was it that apparent?
The look Matt now gave her was so cold that she wondered if this was the best place or the best way to do it.
“We have to talk,” she said, her voice serious, trying to get out her message before she chickened out of it.
“You said.” He shoved a hand into his jacket. “Does it have to be here?”
“I think it’s best.” Even though she wasn’t so sure that doing it here was the best course of action.
“Why’re you acting so weird?”
Melissa looked around again. “I’m not,” she said. Even though her chest constricted and she felt as though she was wearing Spanx one size too small.
“Why don’t we at least go someplace else?” He seemed to sense her hesitation and then he reached out for her hand. This one motion convinced her that it had to be now. There was no reason to string it out any longer—and there was a danger of that happening if they ended up going elsewhere. It would only prolong her decision and would give him unnecessary hope.
She moved her hand away, and drew in a long breath. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
His face drained to white. “You don’t think?” Typical. The thing that had him annoyed the most was that she’d made the decision.
Finding strength from somewhere, she held fast, and kept her voice low. “I’ve been thinking about things and I think maybe we ought to take a break.” She regretted saying that, because the last thing she wanted to give him was hope. But it helped to put a salve around her words—a salve she needed, judging by the cobra stare he gave her. If she gained any strength, it was from knowing she was in a public place and that the security guard was right across the lobby in direct line of sight.
“You managed to think this up when you were home over Christmas?” he said quietly.
This was good, he was quiet, holding it in well, bearing up and seemed to hold it together. She knew he wouldn’t take it well; hadn’t expected him to shake hands and walk away, but she had prepared herself for more outpouring of anger.
“I missed you, the whole time you were away. I couldn’t wait for you to get back. And this is what you hit me with?” He acted as though he was the one who’d been hurt, as if he hadn’t seen this coming at all.
“I’m sorry.” She instinctively moved toward him, feeling a little guilty, for the shock of it, for hurting him. But he sprang away, as if the mere touch of her now repulsed him.
“Don’t,” he warned.
“Don’t be like that.” She didn’t want it to end like this, with such ill feeling. She moved forward again, this time her hand landed on his forearm before he smacked it away. Hard. The idea of it hurt more than the physical action. She stayed back, knowing things could escalate quickly, knowing what he was like.
“Is everything alright, ma’am?” The security guard stepped in.
Matt gave the man a contemptuous look. She gave him a smile, and tried to make it stay on her face as she turned to address Matt. “Yes, thank you.”
The security guard gave them both a knowing look and departed but remained closer this time, not too far from where they stood. “I don’t want to hurt you, Matt, but I think it’s the right thing.”
“You think it’s the right thing?” His face was an angry mess of furrows and fear. “You’ve met someone, haven’t you?” The venom in his accusation frightened her.
“No.” She shook her head, wanting him to dismiss this idea completely. Because she hadn’t met anyone at all. Not even Noah. Noah didn’t exist in that capacity.
She wanted to break up because he was cold and cruel and twisted. He had a side other girls might like, but she despised. How could she tell him that?
“I haven’t met anyone. I’ve only been with you since we’ve been together. Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.” She’d been foolish to think it would be easy. Oh, by the way, I don’t want to see you anymore. Bye.
His lips curled slightly at the corners of his mouth. “Harder? You’ve gone and ruined everything.”
“I don’t feel we belong together.” She was desperate for him to hear her.
He laughed out loud, then hooted louder. “You’re soft in the head, not just around your stomach. You’ve watched too much of that Twilight crap.”
He left her standing there, a quivering, shaking mess of numbness.
Chapter 22
“You told him outright?” Heather gave her a look that blatantly told her she didn’t believe her.
Melissa nodded. “It’s God’s honest truth.”
She’d come home in a daze, every so often looking over her shoulder to see whether she was being followed. But then she would shake her head at the absurdity of the idea. Matt might be controlling at times, but he wasn’t a stalker.
She’d barely walked through the door when Heather glanced at her and seemed to know that something had happened.
“When did you realize?”
“When did I realize what?” asked Melissa, absentmindedly.
“That the guy was an asshole.” Heather was blunt, if nothing else.
Melissa crossed her arms defensively. “He’s not always a total asshole.”
“No? Maybe one percent of the time he isn’t.” Heather crossed over to her and laid an arm on her shoulder. “He wasn’t any good for you, Mel. You know that, right? And you did the right thing.”
Melissa rubbed her hands together. She felt subdued, not euphoric. Weighed down by heavy chains, not free. A sense of foreboding stayed with her—like an irritating eyelash skimming the surface of her eye. She didn�
�t feel completely at ease.
Her friend gave her a sympathetic look. “It’s not going to be easy. I know you liked him. This will make it better.” Melissa smiled as her friend walked over to the refrigerator. A part of her felt relieved that she had done the hard part—that she’d said the words to him. She knew there would be consequences, but the hard part was behind her now. Tomorrow, on New Year’s Eve—she’d start the year unburdened, single, and free.
“What are we doing tomorrow?” she asked, watching Heather retrieve a huge tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream from the freezer.
“Before dinner?” asked Melissa, eyeing the large tub with both delight and apprehension.
“It’s totally warranted.” Heather got out two spoons, when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it. You start.” She handed Melissa a spoon and disappeared.
Melissa peeled back the ice-covered plastic lid and got ready to scrape out a ball of smooth, velvety brown happiness.
Until his voice filtered through to the kitchen. The hairs on the back of her neck bristled and the spoon remained suspended over the frozen chocolate. Slowly, she turned her head in the direction of the hallway. Her ears strained to hear.
“She doesn’t want to see you.” Heather’s tone was brutal.
“I don’t want to talk to you; I want to talk to Melissa.” Matt’s voice teetered on the brink of eruptive anger. Melissa got up and headed towards the door. Matt lifted his head and stared straight at her. “Mel—we need to talk.”
Heather turned and gave her a frosty stare. “You don’t have to do anything.” She refused to move, standing at the door with her arms folded across her chest.
Melissa walked to the door. “It’s okay,” she told Heather. Her friend’s face looked like thunder. “I can take it from here,” Melissa insisted, though she wasn’t sure if this was more for Matt’s benefit or hers. Heather stormed off.
Inhaling deeply, Melissa faced Matt. “Hey.”
“I want to talk. That’s all.” The plea in his voice tugged at her, putting her in a dilemma that made her feel torn between a sense of pity for him and loyalty to the friend she had just announced her feat of victory to. She stood in the hallway, not completely closing the front door, leaving it slightly ajar. Here would have to do. She didn’t want to take him into her bedroom.
“I’m sorry, Mel. Sorry about earlier.” He shifted from one foot to the next, still in his coat, with one arm resting on the strap of his backpack, as if he was about to take off at a moment’s notice.
Seeing him looking so defeated made her feel sorry for him. His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “I can change.”
She leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath, unsure of what to say. So she said nothing.
“I will change,” he said again, thinking she hadn’t heard him. “I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but you make me want to be a better me.” His words made her look back at him. She shook her head. He wasn’t making this any easier for her. He took her hand and squeezed it.
“I don’t know.” She gave in a little. Let him still hold her hand.
No. This isn’t what you want. She was doing it again, giving him her power, letting him decide what happened. But she had already decided what was going to happen, had already made up her mind about what she wanted.
And Matt wasn’t it.
“Don’t know what?” He sounded hopeful.
“Sometimes you scare me.”
He moved closer to her and she fought the urge to slouch further into the wall. “I don’t mean to, Mel. I—I get so mad sometimes. I can’t control it. But I’ll work on it. Give me another chance, Mel, please. I promise to make it up to you.”
No, not after the last time. She couldn’t forget that.
“I don’t want to lose you, Mel. We can take a break, if that’s what you want—if you need some space.”
Space. It sounded like a good idea. She needed the space to think straight. When he was so close to her, like he was now, she couldn’t think clearly. But only an hour ago, she’d been ready to ditch him. To end it. And she’d been thinking it through ever since she’d been at home over Christmas.
Clearly, her heart knew what she needed to do. Only Matt wasn’t making it so easy for her to walk away. Maybe this was part of his game plan, part of his strategy for making her stay. She’d be silly to fall for it.
Right now, the option of agreeing to take a break sounded like a possible solution to get her out of this sorry mess. In time, she’d use that space and thinking time to slowly break things off because it was obvious he couldn’t take no for an answer. He wasn’t going to let her walk away that easily—not unless it had been his decision in the first place. And if that had been the case he’d have ditched her faster than a burning coal.
She watched him carefully, and her heart scrambled up her throat when he moved closer as though he was going to touch her lips with his.
Seeing her cold look, he stopped and took a step back. “A break it is then. We can talk when you’re ready. I’ll give you the time and space you need.”
She wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t raise his hopes, that a break for a while didn’t mean things could continue as they had, that it in no way meant she wanted things to continue. But it was useless. He wasn’t going to leave until she agreed and she’d run out of energy to fight him.
For now, it was better to keep quiet and hope that whatever it was he thought they had would slowly fizzle out for him.
Chapter 23
“At least try to enjoy tonight.” Heather stopped curling her eyelashes long enough to direct her attention to Melissa. “I plan to,” Melissa said, knowing her friend was still mad at her for letting Matt in and listening to him.
But today they weren’t going to talk about any of that. Or argue about Matt. Today was a day to celebrate.
“I don’t want you thinking about that jerk either,” Heather warned her.
Melissa nodded. “I’m not going to waste my time.” She stared at her reflection. She was going to make the most of this “break.” She’d figure out later how she was going to phase Matt slowly out of her life. She had no plans ever to go back to him—he’d come to see that in time but right now she pushed that whole mess to the back of her mind.
“We’re going to have a great time. You’re going to have a great time.” She started curling her lashes again.
Melissa ran the brush through her hair. She was determined to start the new year well and wished she’d bumped into Noah again this morning. On her lowest days, the sight of him always lifted her spirits. She‘d gone early, hung around a bit longer, had thought about sitting in the coffee shop, waiting for him while pretending not to.
And in the end she chickened out. What if after all of this he had a girlfriend? What if he had plans for tonight? She’d feel like a complete idiot.
Going to work today had been a complete waste of time anyway; there hadn’t been a soul in sight. Nadine had already left for Santa Barbara to see her parents and Melissa had spent the day reorganizing her workspace instead. She’d done an end of year clean up and hoped that she wouldn’t see Matt at any time in the course of the day.
After the drama of yesterday, there had been no question of staying in on New Year’s Eve. Not that Melissa had any choice in the matter. Heather was going to drag her out no matter what. They were meeting Finn and a group of Heather’s friends downtown at Zoot before going to a house party that Finn had been going on about. She hadn’t ever met Finn and was looking forward to seeing the new guy in Heather’s sights. For now, she knew only that Heather was into him. Next month, or next week, it might be someone else.
They arrived at the bar late evening and managed to get a table to themselves. By the time she had finished her first drink the place had filled to bursting, and the shift in mood in the cold, shiny, monochrome bar soon turned hot and rowdy.
“Come on,” said Heather, tipping the last of her margarita down, “
drink up—it’s going to be a long night.”
They all sat around a large rectangular table. At first it was just Heather and the other two girls whom Melissa knew. Things were okay until Finn turned up. Of medium height, and with dirty blond, disheveled hair, he wore his low-slung jeans as a statement. After Heather introduced her as “the Melissa I was telling you about,” he gave her a smile that made her notice the dimple on his chin, and after that, he and Heather got busy getting close.
Once again Melissa was reduced to gooseberry status and was promptly reminded of her single days. She twisted her hair around her finger, for want of having something to do, and then flicked her hair back over her shoulder.
It was getting louder inside, the music almost drowned out by the ever rowdy crowd. She felt disjointed from the crowd, and alone, even in a place fit to bursting with people. Every now and then Heather checked to see if she was all right, and each time Melissa assured her. Then she’d turn her attention back to Finn.
“Are you coming to the party afterwards?” asked Finn, the one time that she was forced to talk to him, when Heather had vanished into the washroom. The way he asked her had her thinking that maybe he didn’t want her going around with them. She shrugged a “who knows” and buried her mouth in her drink.
Now she felt too acutely aware of being a burden and thoughts of self-pity returned. Heather came back, checked on her and then turned to Finn.
Left on the edges of no man’s land, Melissa eyed her friend and Finn for a moment. Together they looked like a pair of gorgeous blond-haired singers from an upcoming band. Both attractive in a head-turning way. She watched them talk and laugh, she saw that they shared little jokes, laughed at little things. He watched her, she watched him, with smiles on their faces, at the smallest of things. At times like this she often found herself analyzing her relationship with Matt, and she didn’t recall ever having any of those telltale moments with him.
