Love Always

by Harriet Evans

  ‘Oh, you know.’ He smiles. ‘You know. Her own brand of cod-mystical – er – you know, headscarf-wearing hippyness – it all flourished then. I just think she became more comfortable in her own skin.’

  I smile, because he’s totally right, and it’s so strange that he knows this. Knows her as well as he does. I prop my elbows up on the table, my chin in my hands, listening intently.

  ‘I don’t know what she’d been doing for the rest of the sixties,’ Guy says.

  ‘She did some fashion courses,’ I say. ‘I know that. She used to try and make dresses years later when I was little, from those Clothkits sets. They were always awful.’ The burgundy and brown early eighties pinafore where one panel was back to front and the pockets were on the inside, for example. I shake my head, caught between tears and a smile as I think about her in the flat with her sewing machine.

  Guy nods. ‘I seem to remember there was an upholstery course somewhere, she was always making cushions. And I know she went travelling, but I met her again when she was working at this boutique, I think in South Ken.’

  I remember her talking about the South Kensington shop. It originally sold awful kaftans and tie-dye prints, which in a few years gave way to Laura Ashley-style rip-off long, flowery dresses. She took it over and rechristened it Miranda. Of course she did. I have a photo of her standing outside the shop in skinny jeans and boots, a billowing embroidered cheesecloth blouse with huge sleeves, and a Liberty headscarf tied round her hair. She has her hand on her hip, her eyes are made up with black kohl and she is almost scowling. She looks like a sexy pirate. Something completely wild in her eyes. He’s right, she looks devastating. I tell Guy this, and he nods.

  ‘She was. We met at a party, in about 1973? I hadn’t – I hadn’t seen her for years. I’d been living in the States.’

  ‘Doing what?’ I say. I’m so curious, I want to know everything. I look at him again. He’s my dad.

  He smiles. ‘Oh, not very much, I’m afraid. Writing in a rather desultory way for a paper, living in San Francisco. I was trying to be a journalist.’

  ‘Wow. Was it fun?’

  Guy shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says flatly. ‘I wasn’t very good. And I went away for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t wait to finish at Oxford and . . . I left England immediately after I came down, to forget about Cecily. About what happened that summer.’ He stops, takes a gulp of his coffee. He is breathing fast. He purses his lips and says sadly, ‘I wasn’t even there when Frank married Louisa.’

  ‘Really? You missed your brother’s wedding?’

  ‘It wasn’t such a big deal then,’ he says. ‘Weddings weren’t such a production, you know. Glass of champagne and some salmon mousse in a marquee then home by six.’

  He looks away. I don’t believe him. I wrap my fingers round my mug, so that my thumbs are interlocked.

  ‘Anyway, I was there till ‘73, and then I came back . . . I’d been back a week, it was summer. Terribly hot. I wasn’t sure why I was back, what I was doing . . . I was rather a lost soul. And then I met your mother at this completely crazy house party in Maida Vale one evening. We . . . um.’ He trails off. ‘We had a brief fling. And then I went off again.’

  ‘Back to the States?’ I ask. I’m not embarrassed. I am desperately curious. After all these years of knowing nothing, suddenly everything is out there, open, within my grasp.

  ‘I was back and forth for a few years. There was a girl there – in San Francisco – things were rather complicated. I didn’t know what I was doing, to be honest.’

  ‘So you carried on seeing Mum when you were here? And the girl over there?’

  Guy heaves his shoulders up almost to his ears, and then drops them again. ‘Yes. But while it seems pathetic to say “It wasn’t really like that”, I try to console myself with the thought that it wasn’t.’

  ‘In what way?’ I take a sip of tea, warming my hands around the mug.

  ‘Miranda was . . .’ Guy’s eyes light up. ‘She was very clear about what she wanted. And it wasn’t a relationship. She was – you have to understand she was herself for the first time. She was making her own way in the world, she had a life of her own, away from Summercove, from your parents. She was the life and soul of every party. Absolutely beautiful. Coterie of men always around her, gay and straight. No fear. She swung on a giant chandelier once, in a dilapidated mansion off Curzon Street, and it crumbled away from the ceiling, and she fell to the floor.’ He is almost chuckling at the memory. ‘She didn’t care. That was Miranda.’

  My skin is prickling, hot, all over. ‘What happened after that?’ I ask. ‘Did you go back to the States?’

  ‘Oh, yes, then back again to London. Few months here, few months there,’ Guy said. He swallows. ‘I was being pathetic. My girlfriend wanted me to stay there with her. She’d moved to New York by then. I couldn’t make my mind up. Didn’t want to settle down. Kept thinking . . . what if . . .’

  He trails off. ‘What if what?’

  ‘What if Cecily hadn’t died?’ He looks up. ‘Would we have been together? That’s why I couldn’t settle down with anyone else for years afterwards. I always thought we would.’ He shakes his head. ‘I can’t say that now, not after my years with Hannah and the children. All my children.’ He smiles, and he reaches out his hand, puts it on top of mine.

  I let his fingers rest on mine, feeling his warm dry hand, his flesh, and I stare at him again in wonder.

  ‘I wouldn’t change that for the world. But I do think about it. I used to, all the time. You see, we never talked about her, none of us, after she died. I had no one to talk to about – about her. None of my friends had met her. It was so brief. I couldn’t discuss it with my brother, with Louisa.’ He exhales. ‘I’m sorry. I find it very hard, even now. Reading the diary, it brought it all back.’

  ‘Did you know about Bowler Hat and – and Granny?’ I ask. ‘Before you read the diary?’

  Guy frowns. Two lines appear between his grey brows. He screws his eyes up. ‘I knew in some way,’ he says. ‘I’ve never trusted either of them. Don’t get me wrong. I loved them both. I always will. But I – I think I didn’t want to see what was going on. You have to remember how young we were, how naive, really. She tried it with me, you know.’

  ‘What? Granny?’

  Guy nods. ‘Frances was a woman of many passions. She let it be known that she was available. Not long after we arrived, that summer. A hand here, a stroke on the cheek there. A look over the shoulder.’ He blinks. ‘I was so lily-livered. I’d have gone for it like a shot if I hadn’t been so scared. Good thing I didn’t.’

  I shake my head. I don’t know why I’m surprised. ‘Anyway,’ Guy continues. ‘I suppose, I suppose – yes, seeing your mother, it brought it all back again. But in a good way. She was wonderful. She was like Cecily, of course. But she wasn’t like her. They’re not that alike. So it was comforting, to see her again, and to be able to talk about what had happened.’ He looks awkward. ‘Not that she wanted to talk about it much. She was more interested in the present. Not the past. Always has been.’

  He shifts in his seat. ‘You know, people always say she’s difficult, she’s crazy – well, I think they liked the idea that she was. It was easier for them to explain all these other things that didn’t add up about that family. You know. The father never around, not very interested. The mother this great beauty, hugely talented but hasn’t painted for years, the fact that the house used to be this mecca for glamorous young things and not any more, the death of the younger daughter, the atmosphere that something’s just not quite right – I think it was easier for people to look at Miranda and gossip than look any further. Does that make sense?’

  That family. He talks about them as if they’re nothing to do with him, or me, as if they’re not my family any more.

  ‘Anyway . . . it was always very casual. We’d meet at parties, or we’d go out for some pasta when I was in town, catch up, and then she’d come back to my shambolic bache
lor pad in Bloomsbury . . .’ He drops his hands into his lap. ‘She was rather wonderful about it.’ He smiles. ‘Then I’d go back to the States, or she’d find some other boyfriend . . . it was never official with us. Only ever a few times a year. There were always others buzzing around, you know?’

  ‘I know,’ I say, feeling disloyal, but unable to deny it. ‘So you didn’t think it was weird, when you knew she was pregnant?’

  ‘That’s just it,’ Guy says emphatically. ‘I never knew she was. I’ve thought it all through, these last few weeks. You see, I came back in ‘77. I was reporting on the Queen’s Jubilee for an American newspaper. Your mother and I saw each other a couple of times that summer. Once or twice, if that, nothing much. We met . . .’ He trails off. ‘Yes. We met at the French House. In Soho. The anniversary of Cecily’s death, 6th August. I remember it really well. I was going to Ulster the next day, to report on the Queen’s visit. It was going to be rather hairy, security everywhere. I was supposed to have an early night, but . . . we stayed up drinking, and talking . . . Eventually we went back to her place . . . I remember . . .’

  He glances at me and falls silent. ‘What?’ I say. ‘Never mind,’ he says gently, and I realise there are some things I don’t want or need to know, and it occurs to me that perhaps I was conceived that night, the anniversary of Cecily’s death.

  ‘Anyway, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, us meeting up like that. We weren’t in touch otherwise. And then I didn’t see her . . . didn’t see any of them, for another two years.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘No idea. I think Louisa mentioned that Miranda had had a baby, but by then I was married, we were having children . . .’

  ‘What happened to the girl in the States?’

  ‘I saw sense,’ he says. ‘I married her. That was Hannah.’

  ‘Your wife?’

  He smiles sadly. He has a melancholy smile, my father. ‘Yes. And I’m an idiot. We both were. It just took us a while to realise it. But all those wasted years, that’s what makes me angry.’ He nods seriously, as if remembering something. ‘But we realised in the end. We were married in 1980, and our first daughter was born a year later, and our second in ‘86.’ He says slowly, ‘Hannah died five years ago. Five years ago in April.’

  I squeeze his hand gently. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say softly. ‘Thank you.’ Guy clears his throat. ‘What are your daughters called?’ I ask, trying to catch his eye.

  ‘My daughters.’ His voice is warm. ‘My other daughters, you mean? Hah. Roseanna and Cecily.’

  ‘Cecily?’

  He smiles. ‘You just met her.’

  I think of the lovely young woman at the door. ‘That’s my half-sister.’

  Guy leans forward. ‘Yes, it is.’

  ‘She looks like Hannah.’ I have very vague memories of Hannah, who had beautiful long red hair before she lost it all, and who was American and funny and very kind. Guy nods.

  ‘She does.’ He looks pleased. ‘I’m sure you’ve seen them before but you’ll have to meet them, properly. They know about you. Cecily might not have known that was you at the door but she probably did. They know you exist. I told them last week. They’re very excited.’

  ‘Really?’ I can’t imagine it, having been an only child my whole life. Siblings are a completely strange entity to me, I have no idea what it’s like, having sisters. Being part of a family. ‘They’re excited? Do they want to meet me?’

  ‘All in good time,’ Guy says, non-committally, and I know he’s being diplomatic.

  He stands up again. I look at my watch. It’s ten o’clock. The house is very still, there’s no noise from the street either.

  ‘Do you want some toast or something?’ Guy says from the sink. ‘I’ve been a shockingly neglectful host.’

  I shake my head, overwhelmed all of a sudden. I don’t know what to say and I am very tired. ‘I’m fine.’

  Guy turns and looks at me. He walks over again, and crouches down, slowly – he’s not a young man. He puts his finger under my chin.

  ‘Did you know, I held you when you were about a year old?’ he says. ‘I rocked you to sleep.’

  ‘No, really?’ I look down at him, on the floor. ‘Yes,’ he says. He pats my cheek. ‘It was Arvind’s sixtieth birthday. A lunch, in a big old Italian restaurant near Redcliffe Square, where they still had their flat, do you remember the flat?’

  ‘Very vaguely.’

  ‘Well, they invited me. Very kind. I admire your grand-father’s work, I always have. So I went, I think I thought it was time to put all of the past with the Kapoors behind me. I was newly married, I was very happy. I went with Frank and Louisa, and yes – there was Miranda, with this little girl. It was the summer of ’79, I think. You were very small – I wasn’t sure how old you were.’

  ‘I’d have been about fifteen months,’ I say. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Well, your mother gave you to me to hold,’ he says. ‘You were falling asleep, so she chucked you onto my lap and said, “There, sit with Uncle Guy for a while.” And you gave me this big gummy smile and then you closed your eyes and fell asleep.’ There are tears in his eyes. ‘You had very fine black hair, sticking up everywhere. You were quite enchanting.’

  And he bows his head, and his shoulders heave, and he says very quietly, ‘I am so sorry, Natasha. So very sorry.’

  ‘What are you sorry for?’ I ask quietly. ‘For not realising . . . for being so blind. And for everything else . . . for Cecily, you know . . . There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t miss her, wish we could have had one more day together. You know, reading that diary – remembering it all again, these things I’d forgotten, how wonderful she was. And now you – you’re here, standing here—’ His voice breaks.

  I pull him up so we are both standing, and he puts his arms round me and hugs me, and I hug him back, as tightly as I can. Not because now I’ve found my father, and everything’s all right. More because I don’t know if we can have a close relationship, if there’s too much history already, and that is so sad, but also because he is a sweet, kind man, and I wish he were happier. He is not, and I wish there was something I could do about it.

  ‘And what about you?’ he says, releasing me from his embrace and stepping back. He takes a huge white handkerchief out of his pocket and blows his nose.

  ‘What about me?’ I say. ‘Your friends – your life, your jewellery. I don’t really know anything about it, though I’ve found out as much as I can. And,’ he says, drawing himself up with some pride, ‘I dropped by your studio the other day, I remembered you saying it was just at the bottom of Brick Lane. They told me where I could buy some of your pieces, they were ever so helpful.’

  ‘Really?’ I say, intrigued. ‘Who was it?’

  ‘A very sweet girl,’ Guy says. ‘Terribly pretty, blonde hair.’

  ‘Oh,’ I say grimly. ‘Jamie.’

  ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘She was with a chap, hanging round at the desk. A photographer. He said he knew you too. They all seemed very nice.’

  ‘That’s Ben,’ I say. ‘He’s a . . . yeah, he’s a friend of mine.’ I am really touched at Guy’s making the effort. Then I think, How I wish I could talk to Ben about it all, and then I realise that’s my fault. I need to stop being stupid about him, and knock this strange coolness between us on the head. We were friends long before we kissed, and we can be friends again. It was weeks ago. Three weeks ago exactly, in fact. He’s been away a lot, with two big projects on, but I can’t help feeling he’s avoiding me too. I will call him tonight, see if he wants to come for a drink with me and Jay.

  ‘Anyway, they directed me to a shop on Columbia Road,’ says Guy. ‘I bought two necklaces there for the girls.’ He points at Cecily’s ring, as ever on its chain round my neck. ‘They reminded me of this.’ He smiles. ‘Lovely.’

  ‘I’m glad you like them,’ I say, a glow of pleasure washing over me.

  ‘They’re beautiful, but it’s mor
e than that,’ Guy says earnestly. ‘It feels a little like it’s come in a circle, in some way.’ He shakes his head. ‘I don’t want to sound mystical, I’m not really into any of that caper. But – Cecily had that ring the day she died. I remember it, I remember when Frances started wearing it, after she’d gone. And your mother’s right, they all are. You do look like her.’ He smiles. ‘She was beautiful, but you are even more so.’

  ‘Oh, really, come off it,’ I say, embarrassed. ‘And the way you’ve grown up, so creative, so wonderful – making things with your hands, those necklaces inspired by Cecily, and now your own half-sisters are wearing them. And they love them.’ He squeezes his hands, he looks so pleased and I can’t help smiling. ‘Your grandmother was very proud of you.’

  ‘I’m not sure I want her to be proud of me,’ I say. ‘I don’t really know who she was, any more. I don’t know how she could have done all that.’

  Guy says, ‘No. That’s not fair, Natasha. I can see why, you’re right. But she suffered every day for it. She gave up the one thing that made her happy, her painting. That was her penance, her punishment.’ He puts his hands in his pockets. ‘She was like Icarus, you know. She thought she could get away with what she was doing, and she flew too close to the sun. She didn’t kill Cecily, you know.’

  ‘No, but she was happy enough to let everyone think Mum did, in some way,’ I say coldly. ‘She didn’t care about her other daughter, about screwing her life up, about carrying on screwing it up. Not at all.’

  ‘You’re right,’ he says, bowing his head. ‘You’re right. But still – I don’t think she was evil.’ He stops. ‘Just – she was a great artist. That’s what they’re like, I suppose. And she saw in you something special. I think, if it’s any consolation, you gave her real pleasure, something to live for. And I think she knew I was your father.’

  ‘Really?’ I say.

  He nods. ‘Oh, I think it now. Didn’t before. But the way she organised this whole foundation, the fact that you, your mother and I were on the committee – I’m sure she was trying to make amends, as soon as she died. So that when she’d gone we’d be thrown together, start afresh, as it were.’ Guy nods. ‘Start afresh, yes. All three of us, in fact.’ He puts his hand on my shoulder. ‘She was proud of you. And I am too. And so is your mother.’