by Marci Fawn
“Oh, yeah, and the intern…Ben, or whatever his name was, tripped over the coffee table…” Transported back into another period of our lives, we both burst into genuine, hysterical laughter. One of the good things about working on Freedom Bound was that we were really all like a family—the cast and the crew. We’d lived that time period in a tight-knit bubble, surrounded by one another, and it had been quite gutting when we’d finished filming, especially with what happened afterwards.
I hadn’t just lost Nate at that moment. I’d lost the last link to the closest family I’d ever had.
“And he spilled the fizzy pop everywhere!”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t forget that—we got the rest of the day off,” I chuckled. “What about the time that the new director fell through his chair?”
“Oh my God, that was hilarious. Did you know he’s working on a new film with your on-screen mother? This one will hit the movie theaters too. She’s finally going big-time!”
“Maria? No, I didn’t!” This is huge news. I thought I kept in touch with everyone from my past pretty well, but clearly I’ve been slacking over time. There’s no way Maria wouldn’t tell me.
I make a vow to myself right there and then that I’ll message everyone the first chance I get. I don’t like this guilty feeling that I may have been acting a little self-absorbed recently. I’ve been so involved with my own problems that I haven’t really thought about everyone for a while now. That sucks.
“Things seemed so easy back then,” Nate muses thoughtfully, looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. Then again, he didn’t go through quite the same things as I did. He really did have a fun youth. Of course I loved my time with the Freedom Bound family, but dragging all of that up now also brings with it the darker stuff. The things I really don’t ever want to think about again.
“Oh, yeah, and that night when we sat up talking until 2 a.m.” I grin, switching it back around once more, recalling the campfire we’d set up in the woodlands nearby the set, and the romance of that night. In reality, it was the first time Nate and I kissed, so I’m not totally sure why I’m bringing it up…except for the fact that it’s a really nice memory. I’m so lost in myself, in the old us, and that comes out as I speak. I’m sure Nate must be able to sense it, but he doesn’t call me out on it.
“Ooh, yeah. The marshmallows and the stars.” Nate gets a dreamy look in his eyes, and I can’t stop my heart from melting, just a little bit. “And the music.”
With that sentence, my heart skips a beat. The music. Nate is, of course, referring to the song he sang for me that night, the one that made me really fall for him. I’ve heard rumors that parts of that song are featured on his album (rewritten and made much more mature, I’m sure), but I don’t dare ask. I’ve never listened to any of his music. I’m too scared to find out the truth. I know how much it’ll affect me, and since I’ve been trying to move on…it just wouldn’t be a good idea to go over it again.
He hums the tune to my song, and some of the lyrics float back into my mind. It was cheesy as hell and written on the spot, but it was mine, and that made it incredibly special to me. It defined the beginning of us, and for that reason alone I held it near to my heart. I almost wish for a second that he would sing it once more, but I don’t dare ask. So I shut my eyes and simply imagine it’s happening. I picture us back there, by the crackling fire, wrapped up in warm hoodies, looking at the stars. He pulled out his guitar, completely flooring me with his sweetness.
“You draw me in with your kind soul, Take me as I am, Take me and make me yours. Forever more, we’ll be, and you’ll search no more…”
It was a silly song, but it was just for me. Remembering it this way, going back into the past, makes me feel things. Things I’ve tried to push to the back of my mind for a very long time. How the hell am I supposed to stay away from Nate in the way I promised myself I would when he’s here, being the boy I need him to be?
So close, so tempting.
I feel my lips purse, my body move, my heart flutter all over again, and I force myself to snap my eyes open. I can’t allow this to happen. I just can’t. I need to remember all the reasons why I should stay the hell away from Nate Romero—and there are lots of them, I know that.
So why can’t I remember a single damn one?
It seems like Nate is feeling the same way as I am, that the nostalgia has brought all of his feelings back to the surface too, because I can sense his body leaning in, coming closer to mine. Anxiety courses around in my stomach, and butterflies hammer against my chest. My whole body seems to shatter under the intense feelings I’m experiencing. The crazy chemistry is pulling me in, pushing any negativity aside, and I want him desperately. Any logic, any sense, it simply flies out the window, and I find myself completely unable to resist. His pull on me is too magnetic. It’s dangerous, I’m sure of it. I know it is, but I no longer care.
I move too, no longer bothering to pretend that I don’t want this to happen, and finally our lips connect and the overly familiar fireworks explode in my stomach in the same way that they always did before. This moment is perfect. It’s romantic, it’s sweet, and it’s passionate all at the same time. He claims me with his mouth, moving his lips in absolute harmony with mine, and I find myself filled with a warmth that hasn’t been there since we were last together.
He feels right. This feels right. We feel right together. It’s almost as if this is exactly where we need to be, as if all of this was supposed to happen. I don’t normally use words such as destiny and fate, but right now I really feel that. All I know for sure is that I never want this moment to end.
After a few seconds, I feel his arms snake around my waist and I move closer into him, losing myself in his touch, in his kiss. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until this exact moment. I’m not even allowing my fears of where this might lead enter my brain. I’m simply pushing them all aside and allowing my body to do the thinking for me.
Nate and me. Somehow it feels perfect.
8
Nate
The fact that Jem is letting me kiss her again is the best feeling in the whole damn world. She feels amazing in my arms: soft, small, and very sweet. I’m trying not to get too excited about where this might lead—I don’t want to get carried away, to believe in a future that might not happen—but I can’t seem to stop myself. Optimism is flowing through me, washing any reality checks away.
Images of me and Jem really giving things a chance fill my mind, and my heart flutters in my chest. I see us as a happy couple, holding hands and kissing. I picture us falling madly and deeply in love, just the way we were always supposed to. I even begin to imagine the bigger picture, the real future…
“Well, well, well.” An icy voice interrupts my thoughts, sending a frozen sensation to pool in the pit of my stomach. “What do we have here?”
I’d recognize that voice anywhere, and to have it ruin a moment this perfect is so annoying that it’s actually physically painful. I don’t even need to pull back to see her face. Tonya. Of course. She’s been following me around like a lost puppy for days, trying to seduce me and generally driving me insane. I’m amazed that I actually managed to get away from her for as long as I did!
Jem has already jumped away from me as if she’s been electrocuted, and she’s sending Tonya a confused expression. I want to take her back into my arms, to comfort her, to make all of this go away, to try and re-create a little of the magic we were just having, but I know that’s a bad move. That’ll start a bitch war that could escalate way out of control in an instant. Tonya has never been one to play fair, and I don’t want that rained down on Jem.
“What do you want, Tonya?” I ask coolly, standing up to face her.
“I want to know if you two saddos are getting back together.” She sneers as if we’re pathetic, as if the idea of us being a couple disgusts her.
“Why?” Jem snaps back. “What the hell is it to you?” I can’t help but feel proud of her in tha
t moment. She’s standing up for herself, for us, against a woman who really knows how to make people feel terrible about themselves. The Jem I once knew was too shy to even consider doing that. She’s obviously been doing some growing up during the time we were last together—I hadn’t realized it until now. There’s a person inside of her that I really need to get to know. I just hope she gives me the time and opportunity to do it.
“Because, you silly little girl,” Tonya turns her tone unnecessarily nasty. “I like to keep track of which skanks my ex-boyfriend is sleeping with now. It’s fun to keep tabs on him.”
“What?” Jem gasps, completely stunned by this news. “Ex?” I feel my heart fall into my shoes as I watch her fall apart. I should have told her. Why didn’t I tell her? If she already knew about my past, then she could have come up with a witty reply. Now she’s just a total mess, and it’s entirely my fault. What an idiot! I want to slap myself for being so stupid.
“Oh, did he not tell you?” Tonya laughs mirthlessly, knowing she has me. “Before you came along, Nate had a whole other life.” She leans in closer to Jem until their faces are practically touching, and I’m too shocked to do anything about it. I feel like I’m frozen stiff with terror, like a goddamn statue. “A wild one at that.”
Oh God. She did not just say that…did she? I lost my virginity to Tonya before meeting Jem, which is what she’s bringing up now. It was way more of an awkward fumble than anything wild, but that doesn’t matter now. The damage has been done. I don’t think Jem will ever look at me again. I’m pretty sure that she’s still a virgin, saving herself for the right man, and although she probably knows I’m not exactly innocent now, I can’t imagine she’s going to be impressed that I never told her the truth about me the last time around. This could not be going any worse for me, and I’m standing here, silent, like a fool!
Say something! I will myself, but my voice box doesn’t seem to agree.
“I…” Jem starts, gearing up to say something, but I can already see the tears rolling down her face, preventing her from getting anything rational out. I’m internally screaming at myself to stand up for us against Tonya and to at least attempt to defend my actions, to speak the truth out loud, but I feel frozen on the spot, completely helpless.
My silence as Jem glances at me does even more damage than anything Tonya has said. It suggests to her that I’m admitting it all, and that I have nothing to say for myself. I watch her rise slowly, then race off from the deck and out of my life, probably forever.
“Now that the stick-in-the-mud is gone…” Tonya sways her hips seductively as she walks towards me. There’s no denying that this girl is hot as hell, but I’ll never go near her again. Her personality is ugly, and in a way that reflects on the outside. She’s definitely not the one for me, no matter what happens. “Let’s get back down to business.”
She grabs my face in her hands and begins to sit on my knee, but I quickly shove her off, just as I should have done every time she behaved this way around me before. “Get off, Tonya,” I snap at her. “Have some dignity and leave me alone.”
“It’s only a matter of time,” she calls out behind me in a singsong voice as I walk away from her. “You’ll be back.” But I know I won’t. Even if Jem never speaks to me again. She’s just too toxic for my liking. “You’ve never been able to resist me.” She sounds far more confident than she should about my nonexistent feelings for her. Clearly my request that she should get some dignity has fallen on deaf ears. She yells desperate messages across the deck, not caring if anyone else is listening.
“Jem!” I call out to her, blocking Tonya out completely. “Jem, wait for me.” She picks up the pace, rushing even faster to get away from me. “Jem, wait, let me explain! Hear me out, please.”
Just as I reach her bedroom door, a young, very pretty girl steps in front of me, preventing me from going inside. “I’m sorry,” she starts, blushing furiously as if she’s uncomfortable with the position she’s been put in. “Jem asked me to tell you to leave her alone.”
“Is she in there?” I try to push past this girl, but she’s having none of it. She holds her arm out in front of the door to keep me on this side of it. “I just need to speak to her,” I plead. “She needs to hear what I have to say.”
“She’s really upset,” the girl continues, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. “I think you’d be better off letting her cool down.”
I know she’s probably right, but I just can’t stand it. I feel like I need to talk now. I run my fingers angrily through my hair, tugging on the ends. I cannot believe I let this to happen, let it get this far. I’m so furious that I’ve had my chance with Jem ruined all over again—and this time because of Tonya. Yes, I should have told Jem earlier about our silly little hookup, I know that, but it certainly wasn’t Tonya’s place to say anything. She knew what she was doing, and she’s achieved exactly what she set out to do. She’s torn me and Jem apart all over again, just as she was starting to come back to me.
“Damn it!” I mutter angrily.
“I’m sorry, Nate. I hate to be the messenger…”
“No, it’s not your fault.” I give her a weak smile and extend my hand as a sign of peace. There’s no point in fighting with this girl. She’s only relaying Jem’s wishes—even if I don’t like them very much.
“Lola.” She shakes my hand and smiles again. “I’m Jem’s friend.”
She goes on to tell me that she met Jem on the ship when we first boarded, and that she’s really taken her under her wing, which sounds just like Jem to me. She’s always been an extremely caring, considerate person who reaches out to others, and good people seem to gravitate toward her too. If this Lola is now friends with Jem, then it’s very likely that she’s very kind, that she’s someone worth getting to know.
I already get a younger sister vibe from her, and I wonder if we’re going to become friends ourselves. I wouldn’t want to step on any toes, but I wouldn’t turn down the offer of a friendship either. I really could use someone to talk to other than Paul, who’s only interested in my career. It feels like forever since I had someone genuine to talk to, someone who didn’t just want something from me—whether that be my body or my wallet.
In the end, I decide to take a leap of faith and relay my issue to Lola from my perspective, not holding back any of the details. She’s probably heard a bit of it from Jem, but I want her to understand my side too. I explain it all without trying to angle any aspect of the story to make me look better. I just want her to know the facts, to see what she thinks about it all. Lola remains silent throughout, listening intently, allowing me to get it all out in a fairly coherent manner. It’s kind of therapeutic to say it to an open, listening ear, and it actually goes a way toward making me feel a little better about everything.
“So,” I ask once I’m finished. “Any advice for me?” I half wonder if Jem is listening through the door, if she’s heard every word, but I quickly shut that possibility down. There’s no point in thinking that I’ll be that lucky—it certainly hasn’t happened so far. Anyway, it’s unlikely she would listen to all of that without coming out to contribute to the story. Even if just to argue with my points.
“Err…I’m sorry, no.” Lola shakes her head sadly. “I’m still in high school. I’ve only just started in this industry. I’ve never been through anything like that before.”
“I know.” I sigh deeply. “I don’t think anyone has.”
“She’ll come around.” Lola touches my arm gently and sends me a sweet smile. “Just give her time.”
Time. A concept I really don’t like. I nod. It doesn’t seem like I’m going to have any choice, no matter what I want. I’m just going to have to sit back and wait for her to come to me.
“Okay.” I force a weak smile onto my lips. “Time—I can do that. Now, while we wait, why don’t you tell me more about you?”
“What do you want to know?” she gasps, sounding genuinely stunned by my request.
&nb
sp; “Everything,” I announce gravely. “Your whole life story. I need something to distract me while I wait.”
With that, we both start laughing, then Lola begins to tell me all the details of her life, taking my mind off of my problems, just for a moment.
9
Jem
I can hear muffled voices outside my bedroom door, but I force my face to remain firmly pressed in my pillow. I desperately want to press my ear up against the door to hear what’s being said, but I can’t. Nate has hurt me enough today. I can’t let him do anything else to affect my mood. I don’t want to hear his pathetic excuses. There’s no way he can explain away what he’s done. He’s made me look like a complete and utter fool! And that’s not even just now—that includes the last time we were together. All that time I thought I was so lucky to have him, and that Tonya was just jealous…and he’d been with her first.
I hate the fact that he’s slept with her too—that it’s likely she took his virginity. I know he’s been around the block more than once. I only need to pick up a newspaper to have that information forced in my face. But the fact that he purposely kept this from me hurts like hell. I would never do anything like that to him.
Okay…I may have my secrets, but I have my reasons for keeping my stuff to myself. And it isn’t just self-protection—I would never be that selfish!
I need to just…focus on this damn cruise ship. Get the job here done. Kim sent me to revamp my image, to become a more grown-up version of myself, and that’s really what I should be concentrating on. Nate is nothing more than a distraction that I really don’t need. I don’t want him and his stupid games to have any sort of negative impact on my career. That isn’t fair. I won’t be here forever, anyway, and once I’m done I can get back to my real life—the one I’ve been living quite well without him, thank you very much! If I just keep that thought at the forefront of my mind, everything will be okay.
