by Marci Fawn
I won’t be here forever. He won’t be in my life for too much longer…
The door swings open and I freeze, not daring to lift my head, just in case it’s him. I don’t trust myself to even look at him anymore, especially with the pain that’s still circling around inside of me. I know Lola’s acting as my guard but I know how charming Nate can be, and I wouldn’t put it past him to break down her walls.
“Jem?” Lola’s sweet voice calls out quietly as she slowly tiptoes closer. “You okay?” I think I can only hear one set of feet, but I’m not a hundred percent sure.
“Ugh,” I mutter, still unsure whether or not it’s safe to look up. Just the thought of him in my room right now has my skin standing on edge. I couldn’t bear it. I’d lose every ounce of sanity that I have left.
“He’s gone now.” She starts to rub my back in sympathy. “I managed to get rid of him.” At that news, I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
I sigh deeply as I sit up, allowing Lola to get a view of my tear-stained face. I didn’t really get the chance to explain anything to her as I raced into my room. All I managed to get out was that she shouldn’t let Nate near me under any circumstances, so I know she’s going to have millions of questions for me. I’m really not in the mood to answer any of them, but I don’t want to blow her off either. She’s the only damn friend I have in this place. I need her.
“Thank you,” I reply a little pathetically, rubbing my face as I speak. “I really didn’t want to see him, so I appreciate you sending him away.”
“He told me a little about your dilemma,” she says thoughtfully, pondering his words. Intense curiosity takes over. I really should have listened at the door—that was an oversight on my behalf. It would have been interesting to hear what he had to say without knowing that I was listening. “Not that it’s any of my business, of course. I just…”
“No, go on. Tell me.” Now that I know he’s been speaking about me, I need to know what he’s said—even though I know it’ll be more like a punishment than anything else. And there’s no excuse for his behavior, but I’d like to know how he managed to justify it to Lola. From the expression on her face, he’s certainly done something to win her over.
“Okay,” she starts, eyeing me suspiciously as if she’s not quite sure that I can handle it. My heart starts to pound. What if she goes on to confirm that Tonya’s the love of his life? And that I’ve always been in the way of their true happiness? Hearing that would kill me for sure. “Well, I know Tonya’s a thing of the past, and he feels terrible for not saying anything…” So that was my imagination running away with me again. But he can’t get away with simply “feeling terrible”—he brought this on himself.
“He should have,” I jump in, my voice harsher than I intend it to be. He’s just made me so damn angry! Lola recoils a little at my words, but she quickly picks herself back up again as if she doesn’t want me to realize that I’ve affected her. It’s too late for that, though. I feel plagued by guilt. “It’s not right that I had to find out like that,” I finish, sounding softer…and hopefully kinder.
“No, I know.” I watch her face change as she thinks about Nate. Almost instantly a light blush fills her cheeks and a smile plays on her lips. A happy glow begins to surround her—and it can only come from one thing.
She has a crush on him!
The thought hits me so hard that it almost knocks me out. I feel winded by that news. This thing with Tonya is bad enough, but I already hate her guts, so the jealousy I feel is simply added on top of that. Lola is my friend. I don’t even know how to feel about her liking him too. I mean, of course she does. He’s got a certain charisma that keeps you thinking about him for days, and the looks of a God—the kind that you wouldn’t mind trampling over your friends to get your hands on. Oh, God, she really does like him. What the hell am I going to do about that?
The worst part is there’s absolutely no reason that Nate wouldn’t like her back. Lola is gorgeous, petite, and very sweet. She’s the perfect girl. Sure, she may be a little young, but her personality completely compensates for that.
What will I do if they fall for each other?
My stomach twists up in knots as images of them hugging, holding hands, and kissing unwittingly fill my brain. Horrible emotions flood through me at the prospect of having to pretend to be happy for them as they flaunt their newfound love in front of me. What if they make me come to their wedding? How will I survive that?
“…but I really think he understands his mistake,” Lola continues, rapidly shaking me from my thoughts. Her expression has completely returned to an innocent one, making me wonder if I imagined it all. “He really cares about you a lot, and I can see that you care about him.” I guess I haven’t been hiding that so well. I’ve been trying to keep the majority of my emotions inside, but I’ve never had a particularly good poker face. “I really think you should talk to him. I mean, no harm can come from it, right? Plus, he told me that Tonya totally exaggerated what happened between them, so it might be good for you to hear the truth of what went down…”
The genuine look she gives me makes me feel incredibly guilty for the thoughts I’ve been having. I let my doomsday imagination run away with me again. Of course Lola would never do that to me. She’s the best friend I’ve had in ages, and I can tell that she appreciates my friendship just as much as I do hers. I really can’t see her as the type of person who would choose a guy over her friends, no matter who the guy is.
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” I admit morosely. I’ve embarrassed myself running off like that. Would Nate even want to talk things over now? “I don’t even know where to begin. It’s always been so complicated between us, you know? Maybe it was better before we saw each other again. Maybe I should have just left well enough alone.” Sadness consumes me, making me say all sorts of things I don’t really mean. It’s never been straightforward between me and Nate, but it’s always felt right. It’s just that when the difficulties crop up, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. “Shouldn’t love just be easy? Shouldn’t you just know, and that’s it? Happily ever after and all that.”
“That would be all well and good, if it wasn’t for real life getting in the way.” Lola laughs, sounding far wiser than her years. “I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship or anything before, but I would assume real love is something you have to fight for, to really make it happen. The easy ones are the ones you start to take for granted. The ones you let slip away.”
Her words resonate with me in a way that nothing else ever has. Nate and I have been through some real shit—individually and together—and maybe if we can make it through this, we’ll come out of it stronger. Maybe we need to experience all of this hardship to prove to one another that we’re meant to be. Maybe I should just throw myself into this thing feet first see where it takes us.
Even if that means I’ll have to tell him everything…
No. I quickly get rid of that thought. There’s no way I’m ready to complicate my life with that right now. This is all complex enough without me making it worse. I’d rather just focus on the possibility of me and Nate—and that’s difficult enough. If there’s ever going to be a future for us, I’d rather know now, while we’re stuck on this cruise ship. Once we get back home, we’ll revert to our real lives, and if Nate goes back to being the player he’s become, it’ll tear me apart.
I need to know before then. I need to get a definitive answer.
“Okay,” I nod decisively. “I’ll go and speak to him now. You’re right.” My breaths are labored at the panic this induces. If this is a make-or-break kind of situation—and I have a feeling it might be—then it’s huge. Much more than I thought I’d be dealing with today. “I just…I need a minute first.”
“You’ll be all right.” Lola rubs my back in a calming gesture. “Just remember who you’re talking to. He’s someone you’ve known for a very long time. Sure, you lost your way for a while, but t
hat doesn’t mean that he isn’t the Nate you once knew.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I stand up and give her a weak smile. “Thank you, Lola.” With that, I swish out of the door and start the long, terrifying walk to Nate’s room.
10
Nate
“Shit,” I mutter quietly to myself, pacing up and down my tiny, temporary bedroom. I may have one of the biggest rooms on the ship, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling really constrictive at times. And this is one of the worst ones of all.
I hate having no control over a situation, and right now I really don’t have any. Tonya has screwed things up, and now the ball is firmly in Jem’s court. I’ll just have to wait until she’s ready to speak to me, but patience has never been one of my strong suits. I’ve messed things up badly with her, and I’m terrified that there’s no going back from it. I’m scared that I’ll be waiting forever.
“I like to keep track of which skanks my ex-boyfriend is sleeping with now. It’s fun to keep tabs on him.”
Tonya’s evil words—plus her insinuation that we had some sort of crazy, sex-based relationship—keep rolling over and over in my mind. How could she do that to me? What the hell does she think she’s going to achieve? Is she crazy enough to think I’ll go back to her if things don’t work out with Jem?
Knock, knock.
Someone knocks so lightly on my door that had I not been awake, I wouldn’t have heard it. In fact, I’m not convinced that it wasn’t just a product of my imagination. I’m so desperate to see Jem that I might have just invented the sound in my mind…
Knock, knock.
Nope, there it goes again. Someone is here. I just hope it’s the right someone.
“Who’s there?” I call out quietly, crossing my fingers behind my back. “What do you want?”
“It’s Jem.” The almost scared-sounding reply comes through the door. “Can I come in? Can we talk?”
Oh, thank God. She’s here. All hope isn’t completely lost.
“Of course.” I swing the door open, wondering if she actually thought I was going to refuse her entry. I’m the one desperate to speak to her, after all! But as she steps into my room, it’s clear from the incredibly nervous and unsure expression she’s wearing that she’s struggling with what I want just as much as I am with what she wants. Guilt courses through my veins at the thought that this is all my fault.
“I’m sorry for running off like that,” she eventually begins, twiddling her fingers anxiously. “It was just a bit of a shock.” I step forward, grabbing her hands in mine, praying that she can see the guilt I’m feeling plastered across my expression. I need her to understand the depths of it, to see how bad I feel. “I just…”
“No, no.” I stop her from speaking. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I should never have been so stupid. You were always going to find out, which I’m pretty sure Tonya was banking on. I should never have let it get so far…”
“It doesn’t matter now,” she announces, preventing my rant from going on any further. “I was taken by surprise, but to be honest I kind of knew. I had already heard rumors in the past. I guess having it confirmed threw me.”
“Right…” Oh, God, that makes me feel about a million times worse. She already knew and she didn’t think to ever ask me? What sort of pig am I? “So, did you want to talk?”
But instead of saying another word, she crashes her lips against mine, sending excited fireworks exploding all over my body all over again. I instantly pull her closer to me, wanting to feel that tiny, familiar frame pushed up against my body. When she’s here, in my arms, showing me affection, everything feels right with the world. It’s as if nothing else matters, and that’s a feeling that I never want to let go of. I can forget all of my bad feelings, all the crappy things I’ve done, and I can just be Nate. The Nate that Jem needs me to be.
The kiss deepens in a way that it has only once before, and that led to our breakup, so I can’t help but freak out just a little. I pull back to stare at her face, but the look she’s giving me isn’t one that’s about to leave. Her look tells me that she wants to stay…and finally wants to take things a whole lot further.
Somehow, despite all that’s happened tonight, she seems willing to trust me more than ever before!
“Are you—” I start to ask, but she doesn’t give me the opportunity to finish. She yanks me closer and we kiss once more.
As soon as an involuntary moan escapes her lips, I have all the motivation I need to continue. I move my hand off the small of her back, where I’ve been holding her closer to me, and lightly trail it up her leg. I’m still just testing the waters, seeing where her head is, but instead of throwing me off—like I half expect her to—she groans and tosses her head back in pleasure.
This is really going to happen! She really wants this.
I can’t believe my luck. This is Jem, the girl of my dreams, giving me another shot even though I don’t deserve it. She’s allowing me to go where no one has ever gone before. I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m sure as hell not going to screw things up.
I plant kisses down her neck, and she tightens her grip on my shoulders. By the time I find the outline of her panties with my fingers, she’s practically drawing blood she’s digging her nails in so tightly. As I teasingly tug the lacy material aside, I hear her gasp in excitement, and when I slowly slide a finger in—getting a good feel of her hot, wet desire for me—she actually cries out in joy.
“Oh, Nate,” she calls, and my cock strains almost painfully against my pants. I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long—thought about it happening, fantasized about it while I touched myself—but to actually have her here, writhing under my touch, feels better than I ever could have imagined.
I work her body with the expert touch I’ve developed over the years. The quick, childish fumble I had with Tonya is going to be nothing compared to my first time with Jem. I’m utterly determined to be unforgettable, to make this the best night of her whole damn life. She deserves that more than anyone I know.
“Oh, fuck,” she spits, using profanity in a way I’ve never heard come out of her mouth. This proves to me that she’s feeling things she never has before—that I’m making her feel so good that she doesn’t know what to do with herself.
It’s time to take things up a notch.
By this point, I’m practically holding her upright, so I walk her backwards and gently lay her back on the bed. Her eyes flicker open, and she gives me a hooded, desire-filled look. I’m going to undress her slowly and finally get a look at the body that I’ve spent half my life lusting over.
I tug off her skirt and panties, and I pull her top slowly over her head. As I unhook her bra, she fumbles with my zipper, as needy to see me as I am her. She’s so sweet, so innocent, so virginal. I can see that she’s still a little nervous, so I take over and undress myself.
The last time she saw me even semi-naked, I still had a little baby fat. Now I’m sculpted, with the beginnings of a six-pack showing through. I can tell that this impresses her by the way her eyes widen in surprise.
“Wow,” she breathes, smiling, running her eyes all over me.
“Wow yourself,” I reply earnestly. “You’re absolutely beautiful, Jem.” She really is. No one else I’ve ever been with before could even begin to compare to this girl. In my eyes, she’s the epitome of perfection.
With that, I hover over her, finding her nipples with my lips. They’re so stunning that I absolutely need to get a feel of them while they’re available to me. I lick and tug with my teeth. She arches her back and gasps loudly as I do it, showing me just how much she’s enjoying giving herself to me.
After a while, I lean back to look into her eyes. “Are you sure?” I whisper as I tease her entrance. I’m silently pleading that she’ll say yes, but I’ll understand if she doesn’t. I’d much rather keep her in my life than have sex with her. It damn near killed me when I last lost her, and I’m definitely not ready to go through t
hat again.
“I’m sure.” She nods happily, running her hands all over my body. I could lie here forever, just having her touch me in this way, but I know my cock would never forgive me if I didn’t experience the ever-gorgeous Jem.
I inch my way inside of her. I’m aware that she’s still a virgin—I would have heard about it in the media otherwise—and I don’t want this to be painful for her. She winces a little, which causes me to panic, but as soon as we get a steady rhythm going, she gets right back into enjoying herself.
“You feel amazing, Nate,” she whispers into my ear, making me feel phenomenal. Nothing I’ve ever experienced has made me feel as good as Jem does, and in all honesty I’m finding it really difficult to control myself around her. It’s taking all that I have to focus on giving her the pleasure that she deserves before I succumb to my own.
It isn’t long before I can feel her walls starting to contract around me. She rocks, and buckles, and shudders with pleasure, and the pool of bliss in my stomach courses right through my body.
“Oh fuck, Jem,” I cry out as the orgasm crashes through me. “I love you,” I yell, losing control of myself. I feel like I’m in a drunken, lusty haze even though I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. I didn’t mean to say those words, not this soon, but they just seemed to spill out of me. Luckily, as we lie next to each other in my bed, breathless and panting, she turns to face me and says the words I’m so desperate to hear—the words I’ve been waiting for her to say for a very long time.
“I love you, too, Nate. I really do.” She strokes my cheeks, showing me the depths of her true feelings with her eyes, and with that, she makes my world feel whole all over again. I feel invincible, like life could throw absolutely anything at me, and I’d be able to deal with it because I have Jem by my side.
