Tales From The Vulgar Unicorn

by Edited By Robert Asprin

  Masha didn’t ask him what he meant by “square”.

  “Stick close to me. Not just for your sake. For mine also. As I said, the mage will not have considered women trying to get into his place, so his powers are directed against men only. At least, I hope they are. That way he doesn’t have to use as much energy on his magic.”

  “Do you want me to lead?” she said, hoping he wouldn’t say yes.

  “If you had as much experience as I, I wouldn’t hesitate a moment. But you’re still an apprentice. If we get out of here alive, you will be on your way to being a master.”

  They went up the steps cut out of the stone. At the top was another archway. Smhee stopped before it and held his torch high to look within it. But he kept his head outside it.

  “Ha!”

  Chapter 11

  HE MOTIONED HER to come to his side. She saw that the interior of the deep doorway was grooved. Above the grooves was the bottom of a slab of stone.

  “If the mechanism is triggered, that slab will crash down and block off anyone chasing the mage,” he said. “And it’d crush anyone in the portal. Maybe …”

  He looked at the wall surrounding the archway but could find nothing.

  “The release mechanism must be in the other room. A time-delay device.”

  He got as near to the entrance as he could without going into it, and he stuck his torch through the opening.

  “I can’t see it. It must be just around the corner. But I do see what looks like webs.”

  Masha breathed deeply.

  “If they’re real spiders, they’ll be intimidated by the torches,” he said. “Unless the mage has conditioned them not to be or uses magic to overcome their natural fear. The magic spiders won’t pay any attention to the flame.”

  She thought that it was all very uncertain, but she did not comment.

  He bent down and peered at the stone floor just beyond the doorway. He turned. “Here. Your young eyes are better than my old ones. Can you see a thread or anything like it raised above the floor just beyond the door?”

  She said, “No, I can’t.”

  “Nevertheless.”

  He threw his torch through the doorway. At his order, she got down with her cheek against the stone and looked against the flame.

  She rose, saying, “I can see a very thin line about an inch above the floor. It could be a cord.”

  “Just as I thought. An old Sharranpip trick.”

  He stepped back after asking her to get out of the way. And he leaped through the doorway and came down past the cord. She followed. As they picked up their torches, he said pointing, “There are the mechanisms. One is the time-delay. The other releases the door so it’ll fall behind the first who enters and trap him. Anyone following will be crushed by the slab.”

  After telling her to keep an eye on the rest of the room, he examined the array of wheels, gears, and counterweights and the rope that ran from one device through a hole in the ceiling.

  “The rope is probably attached to an alarm system above,” he said. “Very well. I know how to actuate both of these. If you should by any foul chance come back alone, all you have to do is to jump through and then throw a torch or something on that cord. The door will come down and block off your pursuers. But get outside as fast as you can because…”

  Masha said, “I know why.”

  “Good woman. Now, the spiders.”

  The things came before the webs were clearly visible in the lights. She had expected to see the lights reflected redly in their eyes, but they weren’t. Their many eyes were huge and purplish and cold. They scuttled forwards, waving the foremost pair of legs, then backed away as Smhee waved his torch at them. Masha walked half-turned away from him so that she could use the brand to scare away any attack from the rear or side.

  Suddenly, something leaped from the edge of the darkness and soared towards her. She thrust the brand at it. But the creature seemed to go through the torch.

  It landed on her arm and seized the hand that held the torch. She had clenched her teeth to keep from screaming if something like this happened. But she didn’t even think of voicing her terror and disgust. She closed her hand on the body of the thing to crush it, and the fingers felt nothing.

  The next moment, the spider disappeared.

  She told Smhee what had happened.

  “Thanks be to Klooshna!” he said. “You are invulnerable to them. If you weren’t, you’d be swelling up now!”

  “But what if it’d been a real spider?” she said as she kept waving her torch at the monsters that circled them. “I didn’t know until my hand closed on it that it was not real.”

  “Then you’d be dying. But the fact that it ignored the brand showed you what it really was. You realized that even if you didn’t think consciously about it.”

  They came to another archway. While she threw her torch through it and got down to look for another thread, Smhee held off the spiders.

  “There doesn’t seem to be any,” she said.

  “Seem isn’t good enough,” he said. “Hah, back, you creatures of evil! Look closely! Can you see any thin lines in the floor itself? Minute cracks?”

  After a few seconds, she said, “Yes. They form a square.”

  “A trapdoor to drop us into a pit,” he said. “You jump past it. And let’s hope there isn’t another trap just beyond it.”

  She said that she’d need a little run to clear the line. He charged the spiders, waving his torch furiously, and they backed away. When she called to him that she was safe, he turned and ran and leaped. A hairy, many-legged thing dashed through the entrance after him. Masha stepped up to the line and thrust her brand at it. It stopped. Behind it were masses that moved, shadows of solidity.

  Smhee leaped towards the foremost one and jammed the burning red of his brand into the head. The stink of charred flesh assailed their nostrils. It ran backwards but was stopped by those behind it. Then they retreated, and the thing, its eyes burned out, began running around and around, finally disappearing into the darkness. The others were now just beyond the doorway in the other cave. Smhee threw his torch into it.

  “That’ll keep them from coming through!” he said, panting. “I should have brought some extra torches, but even the greatest mind sometimes slips. Notice how the weight of those spiders didn’t make the trapdoor drop? It must have a minimum limit. You only weigh eighty-five pounds. Maybe…?”

  “Forget it,” she said.

  “Right you are,” he said, grinning. “But Masha, if you are to be a master thief, you must think of everything.”

  She thought of reminding him about the extra torches he’d forgotten but decided not to. They went on ahead through an enormous cavern and came to a tunnel. From its dark mouth streamed a stink like a newly opened tomb. And they heard the cry that was half-grunt, half-squall.

  Smhee halted. “I hate to go into that tunnel. But we must. You look upward for holes in the ceiling, and I’ll look everywhere else.”

  The stone, however, looked solid. When they were halfway down the bore, they were blasted with a tremendous growling and roaring.

  “Lions?” Masha said.

  “No. Bears.”

  Chapter 12

  AT THE OPPOSITE end were two gigantic animals, their eyes gleaming redly in the light, their fangs a dull white.

  The two intruders advanced after waiting for the bears to charge. But these stayed by the doorway, though they did not cease their thunderous roaring nor their slashes at the air with their paws.

  “The bears were making the strange cry,” she said. “I’ve seen dancing bears in the bazaars, but I never heard them make a noise like that. Nor were they near as large.”

  He said, “They’ve got chains around their necks. Come on.”

  When they were within a few feet of the beasts, they stopped. The stench was almost overpowering now, and they were deafened by the uproar in the narrowness of the tunnel.

  Smhee told her to hold her torch
steady. He opened his belt-bag and pulled out two lengths of bamboo pipe and joined them. Then, from a small wooden case, he cautiously extracted a feathered dart. He inserted it in one and raised the blowpipe almost to his lips.

  “There’s enough poison on the tip of the dart to kill a dozen men,” he said. “However, I doubt that it would do much harm, if any, if the dart sticks in their thick fat. So…”

  He waited a long time, the pipe now at his lips. Then, his cheeks swelled, and the dart shot out. The bear to the right, roaring even louder, grabbed at the missile stuck in its left eye. Smhee fitted another dart into the pipe and took a step closer. The monster on the left lunged against the restraining collar and chain. Smhee shot the second dart into its tongue.

  The first beast struck fell to one side, its paws waving, and its roars subsided. The other took longer to become quiet, but presently both were snoring away.

  “Let’s hope they die,” Smhee said. “I doubt we’ll have time to shoot them again when we come back.”

  Masha thought that a more immediate concern was that the roaring might have alarmed the mage’s servants.

  They went through a large cavern, the floor of which was littered with human, cattle, and goat skeletons and bear dung. They breathed through their mouths until they got to an exit. This was a doorway which led to a flight of steps. At the top of the steps was another entrance with a closed massive wooden door. Affixed to one side was a great wooden bar.

  “Another hindrance to pursuers,” Smhee said. “Which will, in our case, be the Raggah.”

  After a careful inspection of the door, he gripped its handle and slowly opened it. Freshly oiled, it swung noiselessly. They went out into a very large room illuminated by six great torches at one end.. Here streams of water ran out from holes in the ceiling and down wooden troughs and onto many wooden wheels set between metal uprights.

  Against the right-hand side of the far wall was another closed door as massive as the first. It, too, could be barred shut.

  Unlike the bare walls of the other caves, these were painted with many strange symbols.

  “There’s magic here,” Smhee said. “I smell it.”

  He strode to the pool in which were set the wheels. The wheels went around and around impelled by the downpouring water. Masha counted aloud. Twelve.

  “A magical number,” Smhee said.

  They were set in rows of threes. At one end of the axle of each were attached some gears which in turn were fixed to a shaft that ran into a box under the wheel. Smhee reached out to the nearest wheel from the pool edge and stopped it. Then he released it and opened the lid of the box beneath the wheel. Masha looked past him into the interior of the box. She saw a bewildering array of tiny gears and shafts. The shafts were connected to more gears at the axle end of tiny wheels on uprights.

  Smhee stopped the wheel again and spun it against the force of the waterfall. The mechanism inside started working backwards.

  Smhee smiled. He closed the box and went to the door and barred it. He walked swiftly to the other side of the pool. There was a large box on the floor by it. He opened it and removed some metal pliers and wrenches.

  “Help me get those wheels off their stands,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “I’ll explain while we work.” He looked around. “Kemren would have done better to have set human guards here. But I suppose he thought that no one would ever get this far. Or, if they did, they’d not have the slightest idea what the wheels are for.”

  He told her what she was to do with the wheels, and they waded into the pool. The water only came to their ankles; a wide drain in the centre ensured against overflow.

  Masha didn’t like being drenched, but she was sure that it would be worthwhile.

  “These boxes contain devices which convert the mechanical power of the water driven wheels to magical power,” he said. “There are said to be some in the temple of Weda Krizhtawn, but I was too lowly to be allowed near them. However, I heard the high priests talking about them. They sometimes got careless in the presence of us lowly ones. Anyway, we were bound by vows to keep silent.

  “I don’t know exactly what these particular wheels are for. But they must be providing energy for whatever magic he’s using. Part of the energy, anyway.”

  She didn’t really understand what he was talking about, though she had an inkling. She worked steadily, ignoring the wetting and removed a wheel. Then she turned it around and reattached it.

  The wheel bore symbols on each of the paddles set along its rims. There were also symbols painted on its side.

  Each wheel seemed to have the same symbols but in a different sequence.

  When their work was done, Smhee said, “I don’t know what their reversal will do. But I’ll wager that it won’t be for Kemren’s good. We must hurry now. If he’s sensitive to the inflow-outflow of his magic, he’ll know something’s wrong.”

  She thought that it would be better not to have aroused the mage. However, Smhee was the master; she, the apprentice.

  Smhee started to turn away from the wheels but stopped.

  “Look!”

  His finger pointed at the wheels.

  “Well?”

  “Don’t you see something strange?”

  It was a moment before she saw what had made her uneasy without realizing why. No water was spilling from the paddles down to the pool. The water just seemed to disappear after striking them. She looked wonderingly from them to him. “I see what you mean.”

  He spread out his hands. “I don’t know what’s happening. I’m not a mage or a sorcerer. But… that water has to be going some place.”

  They put their boots back on, and he unshot the bar of the door. It led to another flight of steps, ending in another door. They went down a corridor the walls of which were bare stone. But there were also lit torches set in brackets on them.

  At the end of the corridor they came to a round room. Light came down from torches; the room was actually a tall shaft. Looking up from the bottom, they could see a black square outlined narrowly by bright light at its top.

  Chapter 13

  VOICES CAME FROM above.

  “It has to be a lift,” Smhee whispered. He said something in his native tongue that sounded like a curse.

  “We’re stuck here until the lift comes down.”

  He’d no sooner spoken than they heard a squeal as of metal, and the square began descending slowly.

  “We’re in luck!” Smhee said. “Unless they’re sending down men to see what’s happened to the wheels.”

  They retreated through the door at the other end. Here they waited with their blades ready. Smhee kept the door open a crack.

  “There are only two. Both are carrying bags and one has a haunch of meat. They’re going to feed the bears and the spiders!”

  Masha wondered how the men intended to get past the bears to the arachnids. But maybe the bears attacked only strangers.

  “One man has a torch,” he said.

  The door swung open, and a Raggah wearing a red-and-black striped robe stepped through. Smhee drove his dagger into the man’s throat. Masha came out from behind the door and thrust her sword through the other man’s neck.

  After dragging the bodies into the room, they took off the robes and put them on.

  “It’s too big for me,” she said. “I look ridiculous.”

  “Cut off the bottom,” he said, but she had already started doing that.

  “What about the blood on the robes?”

  “We could wash it out, but then we’d look strange with dripping robes. We’ll just have to take a chance.”

  They left the bodies lying on the floor and went back to the lift. This was an open-sided cage built of light (and expensive) imported bamboo. The top was closed, but it had a trap door. A rope descended through it.

  They looked up but could see no one looking down.

  Smhee pulled on the rope, and a bell clanged. No one was summoned by it, though. />
  “Whoever pulls this up is gone. No doubt he, or they, are not expecting the two to return so early. Well, we must climb up the pull-ropes. I hope you’re up to it.”

  “Better than you, fat one,” Masha said.

  He smiled. “We’ll see.”

  Masha, however, pulled herself up faster than he. She had to climb up onto the beam to which the wheel was attached and then crawl along it and swing herself down into the entrance. Smhee caught her as she landed on the edge, though she didn’t need his help. They were in a hallway the walls of which were hung with costly rugs and along which was expensive furniture. Oil lamps gave an adequate illumination.

  “Now comes the hard part,” he said between deep breaths. “There is a staircase at each end of this hall. Which leads to the mage?”

  “I’d take that one,” she said, pointing.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t exactly know why. I just feel that it’s the right one.” He smiled, saying, “That’s as good a reason as any for me. Let’s go.” Their hands against each other inside their voluminous sleeves, but holding daggers, the hoods pulled out to shadow their faces, they walked up the stairs. These curved to end in another hall, even more luxuriously furnished. There were closed doors along it, but Smhee wouldn’t open them.

  “You can wager that the mage will have a guard or guards outside his apartment.”

  They went up another flight of steps in time to see the back of a Raggah going down the hall. At the corner, Masha looked around it. No one in sight. She stepped out, and just then a Raggah came around the corner at the right-hand end of the hall. She slowed, imperceptibly, she hoped, then resumed her stride. She heard Smhee behind her saying, “When you get close, within ten feet of her, move quickly to one side.” She did so just as the Raggah, a woman, noticed the blood on the front of her robe. The woman opened her mouth, and Smhee’s thrown knife plunged into her belly. She fell forwards with a thump. The fat man withdrew his knife, wiped it on the robe, and they dragged her through a doorway. The room was unlit. They dropped her near the door and went out, closing it behind them.