How Does Aspirin Find a Headache?

by David Feldman

  More male bashing, heh. Doesn’t anyone love us? Well, we guess Karen Friend of Baltimore, Maryland, loves us, sort of:

  I’m a big fan of yours. Although I have no practical knowledge, I’ve read all your books and can consequently impress hordes of people at cocktail parties.

  Gee, Karen, there’s nothing you could possibly say that would make us prouder.

  Speaking of pride, we have to eat ours, for we made a misstatement in When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth? We stated that one of the reasons why horses might not vomit is because they must eat at a virtually nonstop pace to derive proper nutrition. We heard from veterinarian Robert E. Habel, one of the foremost ungulate specialists on the planet:

  The horse does not have to keep its stomach full; it has a capacious intestine and does not have to eat continuously, as thousands of trail riders could tell you.

  My theory is that the main difference between the vomiters and the nonvomiters (other than alcohol consumption) may be in the brain, where the vomiting reaction center is located. Dogs and people may have evolved this protective mechanism because they swallow lots of nasty things (as you point out) that need to be vomited. Cows and horses don’t.

  And while we are eating crow (but not vomiting it), may we apologize for a silly error in Poodles? In an offhand analogy in our discussion of why people don’t wear hats as often as they used to, we contrasted the impact of John F. Kennedy’s hatless inaugural with the popularity of the undershirt after Clark Gable flaunted one in It Happened One Night. We meant, of course, to say that Gable appeared without an undershirt and that sales of the apparel quickly plummeted (or so the legend goes). We were surprised that only two readers, Arnold Hecht of Greensboro, North Carolina, and Charles Raphael of Montreal, Quebec, wrote to nail us on what may be our most ridiculous mistake since we transposed the meanings of “diameter” and “circumference” in our first book, Imponderables.

  Hmmm. Now we seem to be self-bashing. Let’s escape to the comfort of hearing from some readers theorizing about perennial Imponderables. You still seem to want to talk about why there are dents on the top of cowboy hats, which we first discussed in Do Penguins Have Knees? Daniel Coppersmith of Mishawaka, Indiana, weighs in with an interesting theory:

  I have always believed that the dent was to allow rainwater to drain off the hat. If the hat were flat, water would stand on top of the hat and increase the chances of the water soaking in and leaking on the head of the cowboy. The front of a properly worn cowboy hat has a lip on the front brim. This keeps the water rolling off the top of the hat from splashing onto the face of the wearer.

  We always thought the brim was more important for keeping the sun out of the eyes, and there’s no particular reason why a cowboy hat couldn’t have a rounded top. But since you didn’t bash us, we’re hardly going to insult you. Nor will we bad-mouth John A. Steer of Durham, North Carolina, whose surname lends him special qualification to theorize about cowboy hats:

  Here is another approach: How about convenience? In the days when cowboy hats were designed nearly all men, even cowboys, behaved as gentlemen should and tipped their hats on meeting and greeting ladies.

  In the East at that time, men wore derbies, homburgs, and even top hats. These all have stiff brims; thus, without a dent to grab hold of, they could still easily tip their hats. The cowboys’ rough life required a soft hat that could be knocked back into shape when required—for some that may have been often. The dent was their hat handle.

  We’re almost through the Letters section, but there seems to be something missing. What could it possibly be? Oh, of course. A discussion of boots on the top of ranchers’ fenceposts. It’s with a slowly trickling tear down the side of one cheek that we announce that this is the first year since the publication of Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise? that we received no new theories about the resons for their appearance. But at least Robert M. Brown of Bellevue, Washington, provided us with an exciting new sighting. Robert sent us a clip from his local paper, the Journal American, in which reporter Liz Enbysk profiles Warren Oltmann, whose boots are displayed on Highway 203 south of Carnation, Washington:

  “If I can make one person smile per day I figure I’ve done something good,” Oltmann figures. Besides, what else would you do with seven pairs of worn-out boots?

  We feel the same way. If we can make one person smile per day, we’re happy. Strike that. We’ll settle for one living thing and/or one feline per day. We received this note from Catherine Greene, a ninth-grader from Silver Spring, Maryland:

  I adore your books, and so does my cat, Frances. She sits in my lap and pretends to read your books while I read them!

  Better this way, Catherine, than if Frances read the books and you pretended to read them.

  Having contended already in this book with the neverending debate about why we find one shoe on the side of the road so often, we are loath to open up the following can of worms. Still, we couldn’t resist sharing this related conundrum, sent to us by Charlene Ingulfsen of Asheville, North Carolina:

  Why do I so often see loops of audio cassette tape beside the road? I’ve never lost a tape out the window of my car, but maybe that’s the way others dispose of their tapes.

  Something else I’ve noticed—I recently moved to North Carolina from Oklahoma. Loops of tape by the roadside aren’t as common here as they were in Oklahoma and Texas. I wonder why. But I spent several months in Norway, and I often saw tape on the roadside in that lovely country as well.

  Off the top of our head, Charlene, wouldn’t it seem most likely that you are seeing the remnants of cassettes that were jammed in auto cassette decks? But do you expect us to know about the regional variations in audio cassette side-of-the-road dumping? Golly, do you think we are everywhere? Well, come to think of it, at least one reader, Ken Giesbers of Seattle, Washington, does think we’re everywhere:

  You live in New York City. HarperCollins Publishers are based in New York City. You conducted a survey of Philadelphia bakeries in response to the Imponderable in When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth? about seven layer cakes. So why do we send our Imponderables to Los Angeles? Are you omnipresent?

  We’ve been reluctant to admit it until know, Ken, but yes indeed, we are omnipresent. It’s hard work, being omnipresent, but we will stop at nothing to gather knowledge in our ever-vigilant fight to stamp out Imponderability. As a matter of fact, we have to sign off right now so that we can fight the good fight.

  So have a safe and happy year, readers. And please behave: We can check up on you. Don’t you remember? We’re omnipresent.

  Acknowledgments

  Change is a constant, but the support and enthusiasm of the readers of Imponderables books is one of the few things I can always count on. Your letters are the lifeblood of this book, not only because you offer Imponderables and Frustables solutions but because your criticisms let me know where I’ve gone wrong, and your praise inspires me to keep working.

  In the past year, I’ve tried to reply to your letters in a speedier fashion; most of the time, I have succeeded. Please be patient if it takes me a while to get back to you. Particularly when I’m on the road publicizing a book or in the throes of writing a new manuscript, I may have to slow down the correspondence. But rest assured I read every word of every letter I receive and still answer all mail that comes with a self-addressed stamped envelope.

  It is with bittersweetness that I acknowledge my editor, Rick Kot, for all of his help over the last six years. Rick is leaving behind a trail of friends and admirers as he departs HarperCollins, and I’m at the top of that long list.

  Rick’s assistant, Sheila Gilooly, a gifted editor in her own right, has also flown the coop to pursue bigger and better things. Thank you, Sheila, for making my work not only easier but more fun.

  Thankfully, all my other “main squeezes” at HarperCollins are still around to make it a wonderful place for an author. Thanks to Craig Herman for guiding my publicity for the past five years and to Wende Go
zan for her indefatigable enthusiasm while booking my tour for Poodles and this book (this is her Headache as well as mine).

  Every year, it seems the production schedule gets more hectic. Special thanks to the team that help make my prose coherent and the package attractive: Kim Lewis, Maureen Clark, Janet Byrne, Karen Malley, and Suzanne Noli.

  Even the Grand Pooh Bahs at HarperCollins have been consistently gracious and supportive. Thanks to Bill Shinker, Roz Barrow, Brenda Marsh, Pat Jonas, Zeb Burgess, Karen Mender, Steve Magnuson, Robert Jones, Joe Montebello, Susan Moldow, Clinton Morris, and Steven Sorrentino. Connie Levinson and Mark Landau, and the entire special markets department, have been a constant source of creative ideas and friendship. And we can’t even talk about the achievements of the Academic and Library Promotion Department (Joan Urban, Diane Burrowes, Virginia Stanley, and Sean Dugan)—after all, this is a family book. And a salute to all my friends in the publicity, sales, and Harper Audio divisions.

  My agent, Jim Trupin, is like my Boswell—Tom Boswell, that is. Sorry, I couldn’t resist a cheap joke, which is why Jim and I get along so well—I’m willing to listen to his clunkers, too. If Jim’s my Boswell, then Liz Trupin’s my Marion Ross, and my days have been happier since I’ve known her.

  Kassie Schwan is one of the few illustrators I know who can make aspirin look interesting. Come to think of it, she’s managed to make nine of my books look interesting. Thanks for your wonderful work.

  Special gratitude is owed to friends in the publishing business who allow me to natter on about my problems and reciprocate by offering warm shoulders and sage advice. Thank you, Mark Kohut, Susie Russenberger, Barbara Rittenhouse, James Gleick, and all of my Prodigy pals, especially the Housewife Writers.

  Let us now praise those whose research proved invaluable. Thanks to Sherry Spitzer, Judith Dahlman, Honor Mosher. David Schisgall, and Chris McCann for making my work so much easier.

  Thanks to all my friends and family, who actually managed to tolerate me for another year: Jesus Arias; Michael Barson; Sherry Barson; Rajat Basu; Ruth Basu; Barbara Bayone; Jeff Bayone; Jean Behrend; Marty Bergen; Brenda Berkman; Cathy Berkman; Sharyn Bishop; Andrew Blees; Carri Blees; Christopher Blees; Jon Blees; Bowling Green State University’s Popular Culture Department; Jerry Braithwaite; Annette Brown; Arvin Brown; Herman Brown; Ernie Capobianco; Joann Carney; Lizzie Carnie; Susie Carnie; Janice Carr; Lapt Chan; Mary Clifford; Don Cline; Dori Cohen; Alvin Cooperman; Audrey Cooperman; Marilyn Cooperman; Judith Dahlman; Paul Dahlman; Shelly de Satnick; Charlie Doherty; Laurel Doherty; Joyce Ebert; Pam Elam; Steve Feinberg; Fred Feldman; Gilda Feldman; Michael Feldman; Phil Feldman; Ron Felton; Kris Fister; Mary Flannery; Linda Frank; Elizabeth Frenchman; Michele Gallery; Chris Geist; Jean Geist; Bonnie Gellas; Richard Gertner; Amy Glass; Bea Gordon; Dan Gordon; Emma Gordon; Ken Gordon; Judy Goulding; Chris Graves; Christal Henner; Lorin Henner; Marilu Henner; Melodie Henner; David Hennes; Paula Hennes; Sheila Hennes; Sophie Hennes; Mitchell Hofing; Steve Hofman; Bill Hohauser; The Housewife Writers; Uday Ivatury; Terry Johnson; Sarah Jones; Allen Kahn; Mitch Kahn; Joel Kaplan; Dimi Karras; Steve Kaufman; Robin Kay; Stewart Kellerman; Eileen Kelly; Harvey Kleinman; Claire Labine; Randy Ladenheim-Gil; Julie Lasher; Debbie Leitner; Marilyn Levin; Vicky Levy; Rob Lieberman; Jared Lilienstein; Pon Hwa Lin; Adam Lupu; Patti Magee; Rusty Magee; everybody at the Manhattan Bridge Club; Phil Martin; Chris McCann; Jeff McQuain; Julie Mears; Phil Mears; Roberta Melendy; Naz Miah; Carol Miller; Honor Mosher; Barbara Musgrave; Phil Neel; Steve Nellisen; Craig Nelson; The Night Owl Chat gang; Millie North; Milt North; Charlie Nurse; Debbie Nye; Tom O’Brien; Pat O’Connor; Terry Oleske; Joanna Parker; Jeannie Perkins; Merrill Perlman; Joan Pirkle; Larry Prussin; Marlys Ray; Joe Rowley; Rose Reiter; Brain Rose; Lorraine Rose; Paul Rosenbaum; Carol Rostad; Tim Rostad; Leslie Rugg; Tom Rugg; Gary Saunders; Joan Saunders; Mike Saunders; Norm Saunders; Laura Schisgall; Cindy Shaha; Pat Sheinwold; Aaron Silverstein; Kathy Smith; Kurtwood Smith; Susan Sherman Smith; Chris Soule; Sherry Spitzer; Stan Sterenberg; Kat Stranger; Anne Swanson; Ed Swanson; Mike Szala; Jim Teuscher; Josephine Teuscher; Laura Tolkow; Albert Tom; Matddy Tyree; Alex Varghese; Carol Vellucci; Hattie Washington; Ron Weinstock; Roy Welland; Dennis Whelan; Devin Whelan; Heide Whelan; Lara Whelan; Jon White; Ann Whitney; Carol Williams; Maggie Wittenburg; Karen Wooldridge; Maureen Wylie; Charlotte Zdrok; Vladimir Zdrok; and Debbie Zuckerberg;

  Because Imponderables are questions with answers not easily found in books, we rely on the wisdom of experts in every imaginable field. Although we contacted close to 1,500 corporations, universities, foundations, professors, associations, and miscellaneous experts on everything from acrylic to yogurt, we thank here only the sources who led directly to the answers to the Imponderables in this book:

  Morris Adams, Thomas Built Buses; Tony Aiello, California Beef Council; Bob Alter, Polaroid Corporation; Harry Amdur, American Photographic Historical Society; John Anderson, Borden’s Glue; Carl Andrews, Hershey Foods Corporation; Joe Andrews, Pillsbury Brands.

  Bill Baker, Recreational Vehicle Industry Association; Joseph P. Bark; Kim Barley, White Castle; Andrea Bean, ERIC; Kathie Bellamy, Baskin-Robbins; Elizabeth Berrio, Immigration and Naturalization Service; Susan Berry; Melissa Bertelsen, First Data Resources, Inc.; Jim Boldt, Great Northern Corporation; Al Brock, WKLX; Don Buckley, National Ice Cream Retailers Association; Robert Burnham, Astronomy; Russell Burns, American Racing Pigeon Union; Steve Busits, American Homing Pigeons Fanciers.

  John Cahill, Fine Are Photography; Frank Calandra, Photographic Historical Society; Rick Campbell, NCAA; Jeff Carpenter, Washington State Superintendent of Physical Education and Health Education; Bob Carroll, Pro Football Researchers Association; Ellen Carson, Empire Berol USA; David Cerull, Fire Collectors Club; Lynn Chen, American Numismatic Association; Officer Claggett, Richmond, Virginia Police Department; Annette Clark, Scottish Heritage Association; Calvin Clemons, National Association of Writing Instruments; Linda W. Coleman, Bureau of Engraving and Printing; Mark T. Conroy, National Fire Protective Association; John Cook, Georgia Dermatology and Skin Cancer; Tony Crawford, Dallas Police Department; Todd Culver, Cornell University Laboratory of Ornithology; Kimberly J. Cutchins, National peanut Council.

  Sandy Davenport, International Jelly and Preserve Association; Harold Davis, FDA; Thomas Deen, Transportation Research Board; Georgeanne Del Canto, Brooklyn, New York Board of Education; Arthur Douglas, Lowell Corporation; Joe Doyle; Bill Dwyer, Federal Signal Corporation.

  Merle Ellis; Kay Engelhardt, American Egg Board; Stuart Ensor, National Live Stock & Meat Board; Marcus Evans, GACCP.

  Darryl Felder, University of Louisiana, Lafayette; Fred Feldman; Karen Finkel, National School Transportation Association; Sheila Fitzgerald, Michigan State University; Dan Flory, Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science; William Frank, Aluminum Company of America; Meryl Friedman, Mattel Toys.

  Samuel R. Gammon, American Historical Society; Marsha R. Gardner, Hershey Foods; Brenda Gatling, United States Mint; Jay Gilbert; Joan Godfrey, Alpines International; Emmanuel Goldman, Curriculum Review; Ailette Gomex, California Pistachio Commission; Michael Goodwin, International Paper; Stanley Gordon, Bridge Division, Federal Highway Administration; Lee Grant, Agricultural Extension Service, University of Maryland; Tina Steger Gratz, American Dental Association; Robert Gray, Old Dominion Box Company; Gene Gregory, United Egg Producers.

  Officer Hallock, Salt Lake City Police Department; Herb Hammond, New York Rangers; Paul Hand, Atlantic Dairy Cooperative; Darryl Hansen, Entomological Society of America; Charles E. Hanson, Museum Association of the American Frontier; Pat Harmon, College Football Hall of Fame; Ruth Harmon, Miller Brewing Company; Megan Haugood, California Table Grape Commission; John Bell Henneman, ICHRPI; Martin Henry, National Fire Protection Association; David Hensing, AASHTO; Billy Higgins, AASHTO; Janet Hinshaw, Wilson Ornithological Society; Bruce Hisley, National Fire Academy; Francis Hole; David Hoover; Ike House; John Howland, American Goat Society; Richard Hudnut, Builders Hardware Manu
facturers Association; John Husinak, Middlebury College; W. Ray Hyde.

  Peter Ihrke, American Academy of Veterinary Dermatology.

  Simon S. Jackel; Sally Jameson, Braille Institute; Alison Johnson, Delta Airlines; Michele Waxman Johnson, Institute of Transportation Engineers.

  Maggie Kannan, Department of Photographs, Metropolitan Museum of Art; Kelly Karr, American Meat Institute; Phil Katz, Beer Institute; V. Herbert Kaufman, SAE International; Carol Keis, Hanna-Barbera Productions; Glenda Kelley; Lynn Kimsey, Bohart Museum of Entomology; Anthony L. Kiorpes, University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Veterinary Medicine; Ben Klein; Phil Klein; Robin Klein, Pork Information Bureau; Don Koehler, Georgia Peanut Commission; Richard Kramer, National Pest Control Association; Sharon Kulak, National Live Stock & Meat Board.

  Catherine R. Lambrechts, Dean Witter Financial Services Group; Richard Landesman, University of Vermont; Michael de L. Landon, University of Mississippi; Christopher Landry, New Orleans Police Department; Gerald Lange, Alliance for Contemporary Book Arts; Michael Lauria; Kenneth Leavell, Du Pont; Thomas A. Lehmann, American Institute of Baking; Rafael Lemaitre, Museum of Natural History; Joe Lesniak, Door and Hardware Manufacturing Institute; Gene Lester, American Society of Camera Collectors; Barbara Linton, National Audubon Society; Jerome Z. Litt; Theodore Lustig, West Virginia University; Denny Lynch, Wendy’s.