by Lisa M Basso
I closed the door behind me and descended the front stairs, limping, careful not to do further damage to my knee.
A familiar purple Acura was double-parked next to Mrs. Kyon’s car. Kade’s strong nose, sharp cheekbones, and unshaven face hadn’t changed, but the dark rings of fatigue around his eyes were new. His injured wing was hanging a little straighter.
I thought about running, but I had nothing left, so I fiddled with my skirt, clenching and unclenching a layer of the red tulle in my palms, and said, “Hey.”
He looked at my new additions. I tucked the wings behind me as best I could. “What happened last night, none of it was planned.”
Sure, you had no idea you and Cam were stopping me from saving my family, even though I tried to tell you.
I took a deep breath, wriggling slightly in the corset, wishing I could take the damned thing off already. “Is that what you came all the way here to say?”
He pushed off the car and stalked toward me, invading all my senses. His skin radiated heat, and he smelled like soap. Like he was fresh from a shower. The smell had me wishing for the same: a long, hot shower. “I don’t know what’s going on with your wings, but I’m sure Cam’ll find out. If I could … change what happened, I wouldn’t. You don’t belong down there.” He reached behind me, his fingers tracing the tips of my wings. A phantom caress skimmed over me.
I jerked back from him, warning in my eyes. “Don’t touch those. Ever.”
He dropped his hand to his side and took a deep breath. “I know you can’t go home. And I wanted to offer you a place to stay. With me.”
His words knocked me back a step.
“I don’t want you out on the streets,” he said. “I’ve lived that life. It’s not fun.”
I pushed down the lump that rose in my throat at the reminder that home wasn’t an option, not anymore. I had no place to go. There were no other offers on the table. Lee and his mom didn’t know anything about my situation, and I’d like to keep it that way. Where else could I go? What else could I do?
Living with Kade. I couldn’t even grasp it. Maybe I could buy a bus ticket to L.A. and throw myself at the mercy of Aunt Nora. But the first thing she’d do would be to call Dad. Then I’d be back at square one, locked away in the SS Crazy.
“I won’t be hidden away like some …” Somehow, reminding Kade I was crazy didn’t sound like a great idea. “I—I deserve to make my own decisions.”
“You’re right. Last night, when your,” he nodded to my wings, “showed up, my reaction wasn’t exactly a shining moment of clarity. It would be safer if you weren’t seen, especially after both sides hear about what went down with Az—and they will—but you’re right. It is your life.”
So this was what a real apology from Kade the Fallen looked like. I scoffed, releasing my anger. “Boy that must have chapped your ass to say.”
He looked up at me with a half-smirk. “You know it.”
I considered his offer. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t home, but it was a place and a roof—neither of which I currently had.
I was too proud for a lot of things, but I knew when I was down. And baby, I was in the gutter.
If it didn’t work out, I was no lower than before. I sighed. “Fine.”
He opened the door for me without a word. The front seat of the stolen car was free of glass, and clear tape acted as a makeshift window. I curled my wings against my body as best I could and slid in.
“I thought we agreed you’d report the car stolen,” I said when he settled into the driver’s seat.
“I did one better. I called the guy. Told him I wanted to buy it. Sent out a check first thing this morning.”
“What is that?” I asked, eyes squinted, head tilted, as he started the engine. “Is that a … conscience?”
A smile loosened his mouth and he chuckled softly. “Don’t get too excited. One decent deed does not a conscience make.” Doing the wrong thing is so much more fun, I imagined him adding.
He steered the car onto the street with one hand, driving as smoothly as if he’d put all ninety-seven thousand miles on it. The two seemed to belong together.
He drove much slower this time, and in only a few minutes we stopped outside a dumpy blue apartment building in the Tenderloin, one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, but it was close to Roxy’s diner and my old school. We got out of the car, stepping over a person sleeping in the doorway. He unlocked the front gate and then the door. “Top floor.”
The hallway was dark, and there was no elevator. By the time we reached the fourth and final floor, my knee nearly gave out. The door to apartment four hundred wasn’t locked when he opened it for me.
I stepped inside and looked around. A queen-sized bed sat against the back wall. Heavy blue curtains concealed a bay window. A small kitchen took over the left corner wall. The bathroom was beside the kitchen. Clothes littered the bed, the chair beside the window, and lay in a small pile on the pink carpet. Messy. It was so messy. My instant urge to scrub the entire place clean lost out to my exhaustion. I could clean another day.
My attention snapped back to the nonexistent bedroom. One bed? He couldn’t be serious. “Well, this is … something.” A studio apartment in a bad neighborhood was exactly the opposite of what I expected. Kade was full of surprises.
“When people are looking for you, the best place to live is the last place they’ll look.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
I spun toward him, wondering who might be looking for him.
“Obviously, we can move. Give me a few days to find a better place.”
“It’s okay. If you clear some space for me, I can sleep on the floor.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“Oh, yes it is.”
“I don’t sleep much, and when I do, it’s mostly during the day. We can share the bed, at different times. For now. But I can find us a bigger place.”
I plopped down on the bed. I’d never felt more tired. “Can I use the shower?” That would be my next step. I couldn’t think of anything beyond that.
Chapter Forty-Three
I awoke later, after more nightmarish images than I could count. Sweat tacked the sheets to my legs. I kicked them off and sat up. The curtains were drawn, but afternoon light peeked through rips in the blue fabric. My head pounded, and every muscle in my body ached like I’d been torn in two, then sewed back together. At least I could move my knee without too much pain.
I lay in bed, listening for the sound of Laylah giggling with her Musketeer friends, or one of her obnoxious songs pounding from the bathroom speakers, punishing me for sleeping in. When there was nothing, I looked around again. I wasn’t at home. I was at Kade’s. And he wasn’t here.
Home. Laylah and Dad had no doubt heard of my escape by now. The last thing I wanted was them worrying. I checked the alarm clock by the bed, then the calendar over it. Monday afternoon. I’d slept for two days. I gathered all the courage I could find to leave the bed and showered. At the bottom of the bed was a bag of clothes. I pulled out a pair of jeans and a white sweater, the tags still attached. Kade had gone shopping. A smile touched my lips as I fingered the soft fabric, picturing Kade in a women’s clothing store. I looked down at my cuts. They felt tight, like they were healing. He must have used some kind of liquid bandage on them. Thank God. I didn’t think I could handle stitches.
I got dressed and walked to Laylah’s school, glad the inflammation and pain in my knee had faded to a dull throb. I waited outside the parking lot, my fingers laced through the chain-link fence. Waiting even after the parade of parents picking up their kids from school had long gone.
I’d begun to wonder if she’d left before I’d arrived, when I spotted her hair shining in the sun.
Okay, you’ve seen her. She’s okay. I swallowed, but couldn’t look away. She waved bye to her friends and headed for the exit in the fence. Now would be a good time to move.
I dropped my gaze and tried to convince myself to move, or
leave.
“Ray?” Laylah’s voice carried over the yard.
I looked up. She stomped toward me. I was too late.
“What are you doing here?” she screamed at me, doing something weird with her hands where she stretched them out toward me, then dropped them again. Like she was trying to decide whether to hug me or strangle me. “You’re so dumb. If I was you, I’d be a thousand miles away right now.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest in that stubborn Evans way. “Your Kade, the one you sent me to the diner for, he got you out, didn’t he?”
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You weren’t supposed to see me.” I tapped my fingertips against the liquid bandage in my palm. All I wanted to do was kiss that little brat on her forehead, but I knew if I touched her, she’d probably snap.
Laylah drummed her fingers on her arm. “You ignored the question, just like Dad does.” It seemed we’d both picked up a few of Dad’s traits. “You seriously need to get out of here. That detective’s been around.”
Her words stopped my tapping. “Detective Rhodes?” Did that mean I was still a suspect? Breaking out of a mental hospital wouldn’t make me look super guilty or anything, right? Holy hell. I covered my face with a hand and grasped onto the fence for balance.
A familiar voice came from behind me. “From what I hear, he’s been to the school, your house, Roxy’s Diner, and the mental health clinic.”
I turned toward the unbelievable sound of that angel’s—my angel’s—voice, but standing there, I couldn’t find reason to trust my vision. “Cam?”
Holy Father, what is he doing here?
“Yeah,” Laylah said, “he’s been walking me home almost every day since you went back.”
Heat trailed along the inside of my stomach. He was here. Still here. I’d let my heart break, tried to make myself accept that he was gone, that he’d returned to Heaven. Why hadn’t he?
A familiar ringtone cut through the thought. My old cell phone. Laylah retrieved it from her back pocket and checked the screen. “It’s Dad. He’ll want me home.”
Poor Dad.
“Please don’t tell him you saw me.”
“I’m beyond pissed at you, but if I tell him, he’ll tell that detective, and I guess I’d feel guilty if you went to jail or something.”
“I won’t let that happen.” Cam said from behind me.
I stepped back, stretching my lips into a half-smile. “Go. Before Dad starts to worry.”
She nodded and turned, but Cam stood his ground.
“Laylah, would you mind if I stayed behind, to talk to your sister?”
“No. I think she needs that.”
I watched her get smaller and smaller, until she turned a corner and disappeared.
“Thank you for keeping an eye on her when I couldn’t.” The next thought occurred to me late. “Wait, are you protecting her?” My heart slowed to a crawl as I waited for his answer.
“Not officially, no. Just watching out for her.”
If he didn’t, then who would?
A long silence stretched between us. Cars blew by on the street. I turned to him, the fence still in my left hand, holding onto it so I couldn’t float away with Cam. “What did you do to get Lee out of the hospital this morning?”
His blooming smile brought attention to his healed eye and lip. “I can be very persuasive.”
“Is that a … Protector thing? Part of the white-wings-only club?”
“You could say that.” Cam bit down on his bottom lip, melancholy digging lines between his brows. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you the day they took you. It broke me to stand there, watching.”
It hurt to remember those moments. “But you did. You just stood there and … did nothing.” And when he did finally do something, it was to stop me from taking the plunge with Az and ensuring my family’s safety.
“It’s complicated.”
“Complicated? You don’t think things were complicated for me, Cam?”
“I wasn’t supposed to get involved, and couldn’t risk developing more human emotions without Falling.”
Oh. So Kade hadn’t exactly been lying. There must have been more than one way to Fall. But that didn’t make it any less fair that Cam could keep an emotional distance from me while I was stuck with these confusing, frustrating feelings. “Locked away in a mental hospital for talking to you and Kade—for helping you. And that day in the hallway, you kissed me. I thought it could have meant something to you, but I guess it was just another—”
“Please, Rayna!” The sadness in his eyes threw a bucket of cold water over my searing anger. “Part of being what I am means doing what I’m told. I broke so many rules when I kissed you. And the mental hospital, it seemed a safer place for you. As far as dragging you away from Azriel, I won’t apologize for that.” He swallowed, taking his time before speaking again. “I’m not asking for your forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve it. But please, don’t ever insinuate our kiss meant nothing to me.”
It was hard to be mad at that, but damn it, I tried.
He cleared his throat. “I spoke to my superiors. They’re as surprised by your wings as we were. One day I’ll have answers for you, but that day isn’t now. The rules apply differently to you, though no one understands why.”
Great, so we still knew nothing. I gripped the fence harder.
“With Azriel back in the circles of Hell, your school is safe. For now.” He paused. “With Luke no longer in danger, that means my job is done here and I have to leave.”
I nodded. “Lee told me. But you promised me you’d keep my family safe. How can do you that if you’re gone?”
“I’ll be watching them, from above.”
“But …” I searched my mind for an argument that could keep him near, but nothing I came up with would have been fair. He was an angel, I was a human—with wings I might never be rid of. I knew this all along, should have braced myself for this, but nothing could have braced me for the pain of losing him. This was so much worse, saying goodbye, than it was when I’d thought he’d just left.
I shook my head, remembering the other night, reliving it like I had in my nightmares.
Anger twisted his face. “But what? Would you rather I stay and Fall? Become one of them? Come back as your enemy? Because that’s the alternative.”
“What kind of question is that?” I snapped. “The last thing I want you to do is Fall. But … if you did, you’d have a choice, right? You wouldn’t have to be Lucifer’s minion. Look at Kade.”
“He is the exception. The Fallen who fight for eternity, half-in and half-out of the pits, very few of them turn away from the promises of power. Driven by revenge, cast out by their creator, their father. In all honesty, I don’t know if I’d be able to withstand the temptation.”
“Cast out by their father? No, I couldn’t understand that at all.” Bitter dryness singed my tone.
Cam winced. “I’ve said the wrong thing again.”
I looked away. He took a deep breath. If he was leaving, the last thing we should do was argue. When the warmth of my anger had left my cheeks, I looked up at him. It reminded me of the day he pulled me back from the driveway, when I was almost flattened by a van. The first time he saved my life. Of the time we’d spent at the park, in class, and our moments in the hallway. It reminded me of the other side of Cam, the side that was almost human. It also reminded me of what could never be.
“What will you do?”
I shrugged. “Can’t go back home, can’t go back to school, but I need to be here. Even though I won’t be able to see them, I have to stay close to Lee, Laylah, and my dad. Just in case.” Nothing in this world was certain. If anybody knew that after the chaos of the last few weeks, it was me. And if anything happened to either of them, I would be there. No matter what the cost.
“This isn’t fair to you.” He came too close and slid his hand into mine.
I held tighter to the fence with my other hand, steeling myself agai
nst brushing closer.
His hand left mine to brush the tip of one of my gray feathers. I shuddered through the half-touch. Cam looked skyward. “I don’t have much time.”
A fire burned in my chest. Why did goodbyes have to hurt so bad?
I placed my hand on his chest, not knowing if I wanted to feel a heartbeat or not. Nothing ticked beneath my fingers. I looked him over, memorizing everything. The white wings, the golden hair, and those too-infuriating controlled stances. This was probably the last time I’d see any of them.
His lips parted, but I placed my hand over his mouth. No good could come of anything else he had to say. “Don’t. Don’t say anything. I want to remember you like this, just as you are now.”
This was it. Say goodbye and walk away.
I kept my hand over his lips, feeling the soft warmth of them. Complexities ran through his gray eyes. I couldn’t look at them anymore for fear they might undo me. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed the hand still over his mouth. He closed his eyes, straining against my hand. He didn’t want it to be over, either. My heart sped. I took two steps back, fighting against each one. “I’ll never forget you, Cam.”
But I never actually said goodbye. If there was one thing the SS Crazy taught me, it was that no situation, no matter how good or bad, was permanent. Unless it was death. To avoid being drawn into the gray pools of his eyes again, I dropped my gaze. A patch of orange poppies grew beneath the shade of a small tree beside us. The same orange flowers from the dream I’d had of Cam. I picked one and handed it to him, watching his hand brush mine. “To remember me by,” I took a few more steps back. “If you want to remember me.”
Tears burned behind my eyes. Before they could show him how much I’d miss him, I turned and headed for the nearest corner. I glanced over my shoulder.
Cam, and the flower, were already gone.
I walked back to Kade’s, determined not to shed a tear until I reached the shower, where it was private. But when I went upstairs Kade was already there, sitting on the edge of the bed.
