Coffin Island

by Will Berkeley

  Madison and I had pulled up two steamer chairs on our own personal Titanic and watched the end of the world approach. Wait a second. Hold the phone. What the fresh hell is this? The planet Jupiter was turning back for more water. Why not? You want to do this job right or not? We missed a couple of drops.

  “Throw that stick in reverse,” Madison shouted. “We want to get crushed righteously.”

  “Seriously,” I shouted at the approaching planet.

  We both shuddered in our deck chairs. Then we laughed.

  “Bring it on!” Madison roared.

  Madison roared with such stupendous force that she could have actually pushed back Flash’s fiery hair. He actually poked his head out of the planet Jupiter. He bellowed brimstone in our direction. I was glad that he was in on our crushing too. Now if that dreaded pirate would just show his dreaded head. You know the one, the costumed fool. Professor Coffin, the pirate with the doctoral degree in trickery and jokes. Come out before we burn you out.

  Chapter

  “That was an old fashioned brawl,” Professor Coffin said as he climbed aboard Doctor Fast. He had fought his way through all the blood and guts with his cutlass and his underwear. He had lost everything else. He was in surprisingly good cheer. Professor Coffin could shrug off that planet Jupiter that was approaching too. He’d seen far worse, I suppose. What was there to be upset about?

  “I nearly lost my drawers,” Professor Coffin grinned as the shackles attached themselves to him for his own safety on Doctor Fast.

  “You saved yourself, your underwear and your cutlass,” I observed. “You’re a credit to your people.”

  “I haven’t had a brawl like that since The Great War,” Professor Coffin mused.

  Professor Coffin hopped into a deck chair that had magically appeared. Why not rest a bit before The Apocalypse. I’m sure that’s going to be trying. That’s why they call it The Apocalypse. It’s a bit of a test, you know?

  “The sharks peeled me like an onion,” Professor Coffin explained as he settled into his deck chair in his skivvies. “But I made fin soup out of them to teach them a lesson. You don’t fool with a chef from the old school. He’ll stew you.”

  “Does this world make you have crazy thoughts?” I asked. “I’ve been having a lot of them lately.”

  “Me too,” Madison groaned.

  “Of course,” Professor Coffin said. “The world of witchcraft is highly educational.”

  Professor Coffin brandished his cutlass.

  “That’s how you learn, gentleman,” Professor Coffin said. “You shackle the dark thoughts.”

  “I’m not a dude,” Madison said.

  “Who said that you were?” Professor Coffin demanded. “I’ll file a charge of sexism against anyone that can’t grasp what a fine filly you are. You’re just an astonishing broad. You’re booming on all the proper channels.”

  Madison snorted.

  “Are you responsible for all of this?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.

  “Would you tell us if you were?” Madison asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.

  “You don’t seem to mind that you caused all that death?” I asked.

  “The emerald ocean is a jungle,” Professor Coffin shrugged. “We’re lucky the blasted hippos didn’t come after us. It turned out better than I expected. Frankly, I’m a bit surprised to be standing here myself. It’s a pity losing The Red Lady to the mermaids. Not much of a plan without her.”

  I watched The Red Lady sneak aboard Doctor Fast. She climbed up the bow somehow using her hooks. Professor Coffin and Madison had their backs turned. I was looking over my shoulders for reasons that I couldn’t quite explain until I saw The Red Lady. I sensed her arrival. It’s inexplicable how such a thing works. It’s some sort of leftover from when we were prehistoric birds. Perhaps the seat of witchcraft was within that horrible woman. It stood to reason. It was either The Red Lady or Professor Coffin. Or it was somewhere else. The two pirates were just puppets that witchcraft was operating. But to what end?

  I locked eyes with The Red Lady for a brief moment as she slithered across the deck of the ship towards an open hatch. That old lizard needed to be squashed. She looked astonished that I had actually caught her. I decided against alerting my fellow travelers. What’s one more sociopath on a magical ship with a dubious destination? Sweating the details seemed absurd. There was also the planet Jupiter to worry about. That bad boy is still approaching. What are you trying to do? Drive an overworked mind deeper into insanity? Let whatever is below deck sort her out.

  I also reasoned that having The Red Lady onboard was like having a housecat for the rats. I was banking on the housecat not nipping its keeper which isn’t a good bet. It helps explain cat scratch fever. That finger is just a better plaything because it’s alive and attached to something that will howl. I made a mental note to throw The Red Lady overboard at my nearest convenience. That old badger was nothing but trouble. The primordial sharks were just sitting there snapping. Why not give them something to do?

  “The Wind People were offended by the size of the sails,” Madison snapped. “Why did you make them so big after they explicitly forbid you?”

  “They refused to give me more wind,” Professor Coffin huffed.

  “It’s not your fault?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.

  “Why do you need to go so fast?” Madison asked suspiciously.

  “How do you expect me to outrun Crypt Island without a Category Six howl?” Professor Coffin demanded. “If she pops her spinnaker we’re finished.”

  “What’s Crypt Island?” I asked.

  “It’s the finishing school,” Professor Coffin said.

  “Crypt Island is the third school that we have to graduate from,” Madison mused. “Witchcraft is such a comedian.”

  “Crypt Island has sails?” I asked.

  “How else could she get around?” Professor Coffin demanded. “Or at least that’s what the rumor is.”

  “Nobody has made it back from Crypt Island?” I asked.

  “That’s why it’s called a rumor,” Professor Coffin nodded. “We don’t know how she gets around.”

  “Are you sure the island moves around?” I asked.

  “How else could she chase us down?” Professor Coffin asked.

  “The third school prevents us from attending the second school?” I asked.

  “You expect witchcraft to make things easy for you?” Professor Coffin asked. “Next thing, you’ll be asking me to draw you a treasure map.”

  “You want me to toss him overboard?” Madison asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.

  “I wasn’t speaking to you,” Madison snapped.

  “Your violence speaks to me,” Professor Coffin said.

  “You’re about to feel the brunt of it,” Madison said.

  “You’ve made a real mess here,” I said.

  Professor Coffin shrugged.

  “The Wind People are our immediate concern,” Professor Coffin said.

  “I beg to differ,” I said.

  “Were they offended by the height of the mast?” Professor Coffin asked.

  “They say you’re breaking a treaty,” Madison said.

  “Let them try to break it,” Professor Coffin laughed. “I have my instructions.”

  “They’ve sentenced Booster and me to death,” Madison said.

  “They’ve sentenced Doctor Fast to death too,” I said.

  “We’ve been banished from the emerald ocean forever,” Madison said.

  “I could have predicted as much,” Professor Coffin laughed. “We’re restarting the war. All the peaceniks are bound to get upset.”

  “Who are we going to war with?” I asked.

  “Why should I tell you?” Professor Coffin countered. “You keep threatening me.”

  “I’m the Headmaster,” I said.

 
; “You should start acting like it,” Professor Coffin said. “Do something dark and violent.”

  “Do you want me to kill him?” Madison said greedily.

  “Not yet,” I said.

  “I’m going to rip out his heart, liver and lungs,” Madison said.

  “I was thinking something like that would be delicious too,” I said.

  “You two have the proper attitude when it comes to murdering me,” Professor Coffin said. “I’ll grant you that.”

  The remaining stitches were diving off the rigging into the ocean.

  “Why are they abandoning ship?” I asked.

  “They are choosing death in the emerald ocean over sailing this ship,” Madison said.

  The primordial sharks were snapping them up.

  “Nobody comes back from sailing anymore,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

  “It’s too dangerous of a sport,” Madison snorted.

  “You should teleport out of here and save yourselves,” Professor Coffin suggested. “I’m going down with this ship. Or I’m going to one of the schools. I’ve had my fill of being Janitor on Coffin Island. I can’t clean up that magical mess. I quit.”

  “Fat chance of that,” Madison snarled.

  “You’ll clean it up because you made it,” I said.

  “That’s why you’re the Janitor,” Madison said.

  “Who told you that?” Professor Coffin demanded.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Doctor Fast is my ship?” I asked.

  “I didn’t want to ruin the surprise,” Professor Coffin said. “How do you like it?”

  “How did you know this is my ship?” I demanded.

  “I peeked ahead in your book,” Professor Coffin said. “Don’t get huffy.”

  “Don’t do that again,” I shouted. “Stay out of my book.”

  “How would you expect me to find your ship without looking in your book?” Professor Coffin demanded. “Be logical, man.”

  “We have our own ship?” Madison asked. “I have a ship?”

  Madison was practically drooling. I shuddered to think what sort of battleship she had.

  “Of course,” Professor Coffin said. “I’d lower my expectations in your instance though Madison. Yours is a scow.”

  “That figures,” Madison laughed. “Otherwise I’d try to escape like you Professor Coffin.”

  “We can’t be trusted with the good vessels,” Professor Coffin winked.

  “Why were you looking for my ship in the first place?” I asked.

  “He was trying to steal it,” Madison said.

  “I was just borrowing it,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  “What’s wrong with your galleon?” I demanded.

  “Nobody wants that leaky scow,” Professor Coffin said. “I can’t even pawn it off on that curious Spaniard.”

  “Professor Coffin,” Madison demanded. “Were you going to sell Doctor Fast to one of the upper schools?”

  “Never trust a pirate,” Professor Coffin growled. “There we were getting along famously, Madison.”

  “Why would you sell my ship to an upper school?” I demanded.

  “I want to hear this one,” Madison said.

  “You’re the one that wants to keep the peace with them,” Professor Coffin said. “What do you need a ship for?”

  “You were going to give it to them as a peace offering?” I asked.

  “Professor Coffin is so crooked,” Madison laughed. “He has to screw on his pantaloons.”

  “With doubloons,” Professor Coffin laughed. “I was going to sell Doctor Fast with The Red Lady stowed away upon it. “

  “The Red Lady stows away and kills all aboard,” Madison said.

  “Sailing is a dangerous sport,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  “Are you manipulating our thoughts?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m just stealing them. Sailing is a dangerous sport is one of your future thoughts. You were actually just supposed to think that right now but I beat you to the punch.”

  “You can steal whatever thoughts you want from me,” I snorted. “It sounds better coming from you.”

  “Professor Coffin is too confused to manipulate our thoughts,” Madison said. “He can barely manage his own.”

  “I just confirmed it,” Professor Coffin said. “Who do you think is operating me?”

  “Don’t take the bait,” Madison said.

  “Agree,” I said. “He’s trying to put us off track.”

  “Have it your way,” Professor Coffin said. “I wouldn’t trust me either for that matter.”

  “Your plan was to cheat us,” Madison said. “And you planned on getting us all killed in the process.”

  “Except for The Red Lady,” Professor Coffin corrected. “I needed her alive. You see?”

  “Why would you want to double cross us all?” I asked. “Who gains from that?”

  “Professor Coffin,” Madison laughed.

  “This stalemate has gone on long enough,” Professor Coffin said. “How else do you expect me to restart the war with the upper schools?”

  “Enough peace and love,” Madison said. “Let’s give war a chance.”

  “We have to teach those teachers a lesson,” Professor Coffin said.

  “We are enemies with the teachers in the upper schools?” I asked.

  “They’re jailors too,” Madison said.

  “Of course,” Professor Coffin said. “Haven’t you learned anything on Coffin Island?”

  A monstrous wind was heading towards us. It seemed to be pushing the planet Jupiter in front of it like a plow. At least there was a bulldozer on the emerald ocean to go with the wrecking ball. I was looking forward to living in the rubble of this new world. It seemed like it would be an improvement over the current chaos. Perhaps some of the more pestilent creatures such as Professor Coffin would perish. Or the weeds would takeover. Something hideous was bound to crop up. Then I could get out my scythe, grim reaper style and cut it down.

  “You better grab the wheel and pop the chute,” Professor Coffin suggested. “I’d let out the jib too. Or teleport us out of here before we’re killed by the biggest breeze to hit the emerald ocean.”

  “I don’t think that’s an option for you,” I said.

  “Sail fast!” Professor Coffin shouted to no one in particular.

  “What do you want to do?” Madison asked.

  “I’m not going back to Coffin Island,” I said. “I’m going to Crypt Island.”

  “What about Casket Island?” Madison asked.

  “I’m going to one or the other,” I clarified. “Or I’m going down with this ship.”

  “You’re beginning to waffle like a leader,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  “What do you want to do about him?” Madison asked and hooked a thumb at Professor Coffin.

  “Ask him,” I said. “He’s read my book.”

  “We’re all going to Casket Island together for a great adventure,” Professor Coffin grinned. “There is just one little problem that we have to work out concerning Crypt Island chasing us down. I don’t believe we can outrun her no matter the wind. There was a footnote in your book to that effect. I didn’t bother reading it.”

  “He just keeps lying to us,” Madison said.

  “Throw him over the side to the sharks,” I barked.

  “I demand to walk the plank,” Professor Coffin bellowed as the biggest breeze to hit the emerald ocean catapulted Doctor Fast forward towards Crypt Island. Or rather Crypt Island began sailing towards us. I knew something was going to give. Whatever was holding us down could only hold us for so long. That’s at least what I thought as the planet Jupiter approached us.

  “Jupiter we’re coming for you!” Madison shouted.

  Chapter

  The planet Jupiter came to us. It was the typical witchcraft inversion. It was pushing us with such ferocity across the emerald ocean that we couldn’t steer around the gatekeeper for Crypt Island, a f
laming whale. Once the planet Jupiter got rolling it just couldn’t stop. It takes a long time to skid to a stop when a whole planet gets rolling. Jupiter flew straight into the flaming whale. The flaming whale wasn’t terribly large. However it was constructed out of molten lava.

  It opened its flaming maw and devoured the entire planet Jupiter in one fiery gulp. It brought to mind a snake unhinging its jaw to devour a mouse. The flaming whale wasn’t that monstrous but it was horrendously hungry. It devoured all of Coffin Island in a single fiery belch. We just sailed right past that flaming whale.

  We then crashed onto the glass shoreline of Crypt Island. The flaming whale just sat there like Plymouth Rock. It didn’t even move. Why should that fiery beast move from its spot? You expect a flaming whale to bend to your will? Forget about it. It’s been flaming its whole life and it won’t stop for you.

  The entire mass of Coffin Island had just been consumed in a single gulp by a flaming whale? It all made perfect sense as I watched in abject horror. This is how the world comes to an end? A flaming whale with a real world counterpart that has been brutally abused by humanoids casually devours everyone. Why not? The world deserves a harpoon in the back.

  The upper class witches on Crypt Island have a fabulous lighthouse, I thought. You had to admire their doorman. I’d like to get a flaming whale for my doorstep. Let it tend the lamp out on that glorious dock. Keep that hideous future away. It’s nothing but trouble that future. Let’s not deal with it if we don’t have to. That’s why people sail into the past but not on witchcraft’s slave ship, Doctor Fast. We beached into the future.

  Welcome to the finishing school of witchcraft, Crypt Island. However the upper class witches are apparently previously engaged. So don’t expect a warm welcome from them if you sneak past the doorman, the flaming whale. At least on Coffin Island we were punishment worthy. Flash went right after us. Apparently on Crypt Island we weren’t worthy of a hostile attack. Flame on fiery whale, I thought. Flame on, my brother. Keep that warm welcome alive, shudder.