Coffin Island

by Will Berkeley

  “I’m going to miss that ruin,” Madison said.

  “I was just getting to know it,” I said.

  “Witchcraft will provide another ruin,” Professor Coffin grinned. “There is a rumor about a tower at the final school.”

  “I’m going to climb it with a rifle,” Madison said.

  “It could happen,” Professor Coffin said. “Witchcraft is a slippery one.”

  “An electric eel in heels,” Madison said.

  “Our power is flowing into this world?” I asked. “I just want to get that straight.”

  “Where else would it go?” Professor Coffin asked. “You’re the most powerful witch in creation, Booster. I don’t see a witch running a cutlass through you.”

  “And you’re in this world,” Madison said.

  “That’s the most important piece,” Professor Coffin agreed.

  “You arrive at the end of the world,” Madison said. “Just like Coffin Island.”

  “The power is following me,” I gasped.

  “Or you’re following the power,” Madison said.

  “Something is following something,” Professor Coffin observed.

  “Perhaps the power is pulling you in like a fish on a hook,” Madison said.

  “I’m just glad that it’s not me that has to die this time,” Professor Coffin said.

  “We’ll get you in the last world, pal,” Madison said.

  “You have to get there first,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

  “Booster will get us there,” Madison said.

  “But I’m not a witch anymore,” I said.

  “You’re a hitch,” Professor Coffin said.

  “It doesn’t matter what you are,” Madison said. “It’s what you have to do.”

  “Follow the Headmaster except when it’s me,” Professor Coffin agreed.

  “You’ve lead me here on false pretenses, Professor Coffin,” I said.

  “We can’t let facts lead us astray,” Professor Coffin countered.

  “You must have a plan for us to reconnect with our power?” Madison asked.

  “I should ask you the same question,” Professor Coffin said. “I was following you. What are your pretenses telling you?”

  “I’m leaning towards strangling you,” I said.

  “That’s an improvement over the other deaths you have offered me,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  “I wonder if there are any horses on this island to quarter you,” Madison said.

  “Perhaps in Part III,” Professor Coffin said. “If you can survive long enough that’s where the ponies of the apocalypse are kept. I’ve heard rumors.”

  “Don’t fall for his ruse,” Madison said. “Although I bet he is telling the truth.”

  “Of course,” Professor Coffin said. “It’s just a bit mangled.”

  “Where on Crypt Island is our power?” I asked. “Tell us that and we’ll spare you a grisly death in the next world.”

  “That’s our final offer,” Madison said.

  “How should I know?” Professor asked. “It must be here somewhere. Why else would witchcraft bring us here?”

  “We’ll just take a peak around?” I practically shouted.

  “Give witchcraft a jingle,” Professor Coffin suggested.

  “How do we reconnect with our power?” Madison demanded. “Dump it back into ourselves.”

  “We drink it up like a mirage,” Professor Coffin said.

  Chapter

  “This spyglass is magnificent,” Professor Coffin beamed.

  “Do you have to admire the craftsmanship of witchcraft?” Madison asked.

  “Bonk him over the head with it,” I suggested. “Let him feel the full brunt of it.”

  “My skull is soft now that I am a hitch,” Professor Coffin said. “Be gentle if you bonk me with that spyglass.”

  We had gingerly stepped ashore on Crypt Island. Nothing had devoured us as of yet. Although there did seem to be some sort of invisible tether holding us to Doctor Fast. Witchcraft was keeping us on an invisible leash. The symbolism was looking grim but you couldn’t let that fool you. The being utterly ignored was the more ominous piece. Why weren’t we being more forcefully tormented? Perhaps our torment was to be ignored. I tried to put my mind at ease. My torment was to be ignored. What was the big deal? I had been largely ignored my entire life. Why get exercised at this latest slight?

  We were looking through glass telescopes that had popped up out of the shoreline boulevard like mushrooms. They had our names carved upon them like gravestones. It was chilling as well as helpful. I like when chilling is also helpful. It adds a little more chill. The chill is pushing you along nicely towards your unpleasant fate. It chilled my eyeball looking through that chilly telescope of the future. It isn’t all rainbows and unicorns out there. Death and dying are your future.

  The telescopes were directing us where to look as well as selecting the focus. The occult was operating them. At least it was good for something. It took the tedious telescope operators fatigue out of the equation. Why hobble yourself with that when your mind is overburdened with anxiety in a glass world that is seemingly totally indifferent to you? It settles the mind to hold onto something that is cold and mechanical but also alive. Why not shudder a bit too? The cold hand of death is on your spine. Why not run it up and down a bit like a glass spider. I have Weird and Gilley here. Shall I play guitar left handed? Were we meant to start a rock and roll band in the land of witchcraft?

  “These three telescopes with our names etched on them are quite the coincidence,” I said.

  “Popping up out of the shoreline boulevard of Old Havana in glass like magic mushrooms,” Madison laughed.

  “Showing us where to go from here,” I said.

  “Random chance,” Professor Coffin sniffed. “Mine is a bit too short for me.”

  “That’s because you took mine,” Madison said.

  “Take the telescope off the stand,” I suggested.

  “Are you calling me a telescope thief?” Professor Coffin demanded.

  “They have our names written on them,” Madison said.

  “Why does mine say Madison?” Professor Coffin demanded.

  “We have a telescope in this world with our names written on them, Professor Coffin,” I said.

  “You don’t say,” Professor Coffin said.

  “They’re our coffins,” Madison said.

  “And our books,” I said.

  “Our ships too,” Madison said.

  “Everything in this world connects back to Coffin Island,” I said.

  “Give me my telescope, you thief,” Professor Coffin said. “I demand to see where I am going.”

  “We’re going to the same place,” I said.

  “You dingbat,” Madison snapped.

  “I’m not trading now,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m aged and infirm in this world. You pupils need to respect that.”

  “The age defense in the land of witchcraft,” Madison laughed.

  “It doesn’t apply here?” Professor Coffin gasped.

  “We’re going to feed you to the first dinosaur that strolls along,” I said.

  “I wouldn’t eat me if I were a starving Pterodactyl,” Professor Coffin countered. “Not enough thigh meat.”

  There was a glass Alcatraz in the middle of the island. It was sitting in a bay of bubbling rum. Why not? Shouldn’t an island prison have a capital city that was an island prison in a lake of fire? Why not jazz it up a bit. Old Havana in glass was getting old hat. So what’s that out over the horizon?

  It was heartening that the hub of this society was a glass Alcatraz in the middle of an inferno of rum. The telescopes were showing it to us in soft focus. Everything was slightly blurred like in an old fashioned film. What a wonderful picture show, shudder.

  Glass Alcatraz looked quite romantic surrounded by its lake of fiery rum. You had to admire the creativity of witchcraft even when it was showing you where you were going to be imprisoned. That
lake of fire looked like a lovely place to incinerate in soft focus. I was seriously considering diving right into it. Go where the bad boys go when they die. Take a little dip in the lake of fire. But I didn’t want witchcraft to win.

  I wanted to ride this Rollercoaster of The Absurd to the end of the line. Crawl out broken and battered. Attack the carnival worker. Destroy my tormentor. Or wound it a little bit before it finished me off. How to get it to reveal itself, this No Thing, as Professor Coffin called it? I’m not granting it personhood, even if it has a gender, because in my mind it has got to go. It’s me or the wallpaper. And the wall is coming down. Forget about the wallpaper. I’m burning the whole house down. The flaming whale hints at that course of action.

  “You would expect that the blasted faculty would get off their tails and collect their slaves swiftly,” Professor Coffin huffed. “I demand to be incarcerated in that glass Alcatraz immediately.”

  “Sitting here doing nothing is extremely punishing,” Madison said.

  “I’d much rather be in prison,” I agreed.

  “Hanging around in the shower,” Professor Coffin said.

  “It seems like I’ve spent my entire life in prison,” Madison said.

  “You have,” I said.

  “Prison withdrawal syndrome,” Professor Coffin explained. “Witches are addicted to incarceration.”

  “I feel like I’m stuck in an absurdist drama,” I said.

  “Written by a lunatic with twigs in his hair,” Madison said.

  “The Rollercoaster of The Absurd certainly suggests it,” I said.

  “That’s witchcraft for you,” Professor Coffin nodded.

  “Where is the glass tree for some shade?” I asked.

  “We are light on props,” Madison groaned. “And we can’t even skinny dip because of the sharks.”

  “The emerald ocean is closed for repairs,” Professor Coffin confirmed.

  The apocalyptic sharks were swimming in the shallows. They were trying to beach themselves. They were gnashing their horned fangs at us periodically. It was hard to read the intentions of the primordial beasts. I think that those barnacle covered apocalypses wanted to hold hands with us. I don’t suppose that I can get my hand back that you just bite off that I so graciously extended to you like a fool. Where were the harpoons in this drama?

  “I’d like to speak with the Headmaster of this world,” I said.

  “Don’t be absurd, man,” Professor Coffin said. “You can’t reason with the Headmaster especially when he’s a rogue faculty pirate demanding tenure.”

  “You’ve got to try to deceive him,” Madison snorted.

  “I have to deceive a rogue pirate,” I groaned.

  “How else do you expect to buffalo him?” Professor Coffin asked.

  Chapter

  We were stretched out on the shoreline drive in various states of undress. Our clothes were no longer magically attached to us. Madison and I weren’t magically attached to each other anymore either. We had been greedily looking at each other. We were both having dark thoughts. Somebody was certainly going to pounce shortly. The mind gets pretty base under base conditions. It’s perfectly natural to consider nudity at base moments like this.

  Nudity on The Rollercoaster of The Absurd was feeling like a real possibility. Jump on that bad boy stark naked for one last ride. Go out righteously. The only problem was Professor Coffin. I shuddered to think of what a four hundred year old pirate looked like in the buff. It was punishment enough looking at him in his ancient drawers. I had to do something about Professor Coffin.

  There was also the flaming whale to contend with. What was his purpose? Was he just going to sit out there and do nothing? I didn’t care that he devoured the entire planet Jupiter and saved our lives. I had to do something about the flaming whale.

  I had to deal with The Red Lady too. I had heard her rattling around down in the hull of Doctor Fast. I hadn’t forgotten about her. I was just playing her out. I didn’t care if she ever came out. There were just more pressing such as that whole dynamic of Madison. She was the most pressing matter. Why not deal with that?

  “I’m so hot,” Madison said. “I’m about to go commando. You’d be a fool not to join me.”

  “I’m right behind you, chief,” I said. “You don’t have to convince me.”

  “We might as well get down to the absolute elemental,” Madison said.

  “If we aren’t going to move from this spot,” I said. “What else can we possibly do?”

  “We’re slaves on the block,” Professor Coffin huffed. “But nobody wants to buy us.”

  “I’m going to strip,” Madison said. “I’ll get a buyer.”

  “Me too,” I said. “I’ll get some action.”

  “Sexy slaves,” Professor Coffin bellowed.

  “What do we do about him?” Madison asked.

  “You don’t think that we can keep him out of our little frolic,” I laughed.

  “Professor Coffin,” Madison asked. “Can you behave yourself if Booster and I take a ride on The Rollercoaster of The Absurd in the buff?”

  Professor Coffin looked like something that should be stomped out. It was hard to read his intentions. I was struggling to read my own. Were Madison and I supposed to make baby witches on The Rollercoaster of The Absurd? Did the future of witchcraft depend on us? Were we about to be dispatched from this garden of glass for nefarious behavior? Were we going to be brutally decapitated while engaging in carnal acts on The Rollercoaster of The Absurd? I was willing to test the limits of witchcraft. Madison in her underwear was quite the shudder factor. However we were going to have to deal with that spectator, Professor Coffin.

  “Don’t mind me,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “You young people frolic without any clothes on. I’ll just keep an eye on you like a wild turkey.”

  “Wild turkeys can see three times better than humans,” I said.

  “Two hundred and seventy degrees of vision,” Professor Coffin confirmed. “And their gobble can be heard for over a mile.”

  “If that doesn’t spoil the moment,” Madison sighed.

  “Old wild turkey with the hairy eyeball,” I said.

  “And the gobble,” Madison said.

  “Every beach has its creeper,” Professor Coffin countered.

  “I feel like I was born on this glass beach with that old buzzard,” I groaned.

  “Professor Coffin is our unwelcome triplet,” Madison sighed.

  “Hatched into this world of glass like a test tube baby,” Professor Coffin fumed.

  “There is nothing worse than having a witch ignore you,” Madison said. “Pretend that you don’t exist.”

  “Leave you on a glass beach with nothing to eat or drink,” I said.

  “Not a speck of shade,” Madison said.

  “Put you on an invisible leash,” Professor Coffin said and tugged his invisible leash.

  “Sharks in one direction,” Madison said. “Glass in the other.”

  “Stuck in the middle with Professor Coffin,” I said.

  “Do they expect us to attack that glass Alcatraz,” Professor Coffin huffed.

  “I’d rather sit here and let skin cancer do its work,” Madison said.

  “I couldn’t possibly get any leatherier,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  “Attacking isn’t a bad idea,” I said.

  “Could be misguided,” Professor Coffin cautioned.

  “What about the witches?” Madison asked.

  “They might attack us while we are attacking,” Professor Coffin warned.

  “You think that they’re going to attack us while we’re trying to incarcerate ourselves in their prison?” Madison asked.

  “They will certainly attack me,” Professor Coffin said.

  “We can’t blame them for that,” Madison said.

  “Absolutely not,” Professor Coffin agreed. “I would attack me if I weren’t me.”

  “They aren’t going to kill us,” I said.

 
“I doubt that they will kill you two,” Professor Coffin agreed. “They’ve hardly had a chance to hate you.”

  “We have to get off the invisible leash, Madison said.

  “Then we have to get to Alcatraz in glass,” I said.

  “Prison is how you get free,” Professor Coffin agreed.

  “We have to get across that glass desert first,” Madison said.

  “I’m not walking,” Professor Coffin said.

  “We have to get across that lake of bubbling rum,” I said.

  “Why didn’t a pirate think of this?” Professor Coffin lamented. “We could have been living like pharaohs with a bubbling oasis of rum at our fingertips.”

  “They’re all your ideas,” Madison said.

  “They’ve just been manipulated by the upper class witches,” I said.

  “Then they took on a life of their own,” Madison said.

  “That’s the problem with ideas,” Professor Coffin said. “They get too big for their britches. Then they bite you in the pantaloons.”

  Chapter

  “Look what the harpoon dragged in,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “The Red Lady made the voyage.”

  “What is that sociopath doing here?” Madison demanded.

  “I knew a harpoon would figure into this drama,” I snorted.

  “Is she the man in the box pulling all the levers?” Professor Coffin gasped.

  The Red Lady crawled out of the shipwreck. She looked a little battered from the storm. She was spurting blood. Perhaps she was the one behind all of this as Professor Coffin suggested. The torrent of blood pouring out of her was some sort of subterfuge. The person that is bleeding profusely tends to be guilty of something. Poor blood management at the very least.

  The bleeding person took the knife in the chest. The bleeding person forced the hand behind the knife to stab it in the chest. I don’t know what to make of any of this. Perhaps she was innocent but I doubted it.

  “We were waiting for someone to arrive,” I said.

  “Unfortunately it wasn’t you,” Madison said.

  “She has come to kill us,” Professor Coffin bellowed.