by T. Styles
I could hear her slap at the toilet paper roll causing it to spin. “Damn, we don’t have enough tissue.”
“It’s okay, I’ll get some from the kitchen.” I reached out of the curtain, grabbed my soft white towel and covered my body. I tucked it tightly so it wouldn’t fall down. She was still sitting on the toilet, looking at me and I hated the way it felt.
“Bernice, don’t go to the kitchen, why don’t you get me clean.”
“Get me clean?” I asked. “I don’t understand.”
She smiled in the same way Wet Faye did before tossing my baby across the room. “Come over here, Bernice.” Slowly I stepped out of the shower and stood in front of her. “Get on your knees.” She widened her legs. “And get me clean.”
I looked up at her, confused at first. Jackie was such a pretty girl and I couldn’t understand why she was like this. So mean and nasty. “Jackie, this not me. I’m not that way.”
“Are you sure you aren’t willing to reconsider? Winter is breaking but you’re still homeless. I would hate to see that fine little boy of yours on the street when he doesn’t have to be.” She widened her legs like a crab. “You’re not paying rent, the least you could do is get me clean.”
Disgusted, and feeling like I was going to throw up, I lowered my head and licked her clit. At first I was doing it like I hated it, because I did. But I also wanted it to be over so I remembered Otis and how he made me feel.
Placing my hands on her thighs I licked her like I loved it. I could hear her moan louder and paid attention closely. I made sure to hit the same spot in the exact way, hoping she’d cum sooner. Before I knew it I could taste her bitter cream as she exploded on my tongue.
I jumped up, turned the sink on and rinsed my mouth. She didn’t smell but being with a woman made my skin crawl. With her taste still on my tongue I decided to brush my teeth.
Hard.
“Come on, it’s not that bad now,” she giggled.
Silence.
“Well, even if it was you ate me like you loved it.” She stood up and flushed the toilet. “And I’m gonna need some of that again, next time without all the back talk.”
She walked out and when she was gone I threw up in the toilet.
When I was done I put my clothes on, went into the living room and picked up the phone. Dialing a number I saved to memory I waited for him to answer. “Hey, Otis, it’s Bernice. Listen…I…I need to get right tonight.”
“Damn, didn’t think I would hear from you again. Thought you were mad since I couldn’t get you a place to stay.”
I did reach out to him when I first came home with the baby. And yes, I was angry when he couldn’t help. We lied about the baby being his for so long that I actually started to believe it.
“No, I understood,” I lied.
I could sense his relief and for some reason that made me want him even more. Maybe he didn’t reach out because he thought I was still angry. Now things made sense.
“I’ll grab some brandy and be there in an hour.”
“No…this time I need something different.” I twirled the white phone cord around my index finger. “Something harder.””
I could hear him smiling. “In that case I’ll be there in twenty.”
CHAPTER NINE
PRESENT DAY
The van moved at a much slower pace, indicating they were almost at their final resting place. Timo’s weeping irritated Barrie to no end. “You need to man the fuck up,” Barrie said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t see him but he knew his voice. “Ain’t nothing more you can do but die so get ready.”
Timo sniffled a little, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and did his best to slow his breaths. “Do you…you think…do you think God gonna…gonna punish us? For everything we did?”
“Who you asking?” Kali said.
“He not asking me,” Barrie snapped. “He already knows how I feel about matters of the heart. Whatever I did I stand by and if God don’t let me in the pearly gates of heaven, or whatever the fuck, then so be it. Give me my bullet and make it quick.”
“We’re about to…to…be murdered and you…you don’t care.” Timo’s nervous energy caused Barrie discomfort, because although he couldn’t see him through the blindfold, he could sense his fear.
“It’s not about caring. I can’t take anything back I did.”
Kali laughed.
“What’s so fucking funny?” Barrie snapped.
“If you could take the things back you did, would you?” Kali paused. “Because that’s the real question.”
“We not children so I’m not answering that.”
“Humor me,” Kali said more firmly.
Barrie shifted a little. “I haven’t done anything that I don’t stand by. I haven’t done anything that will keep me up at night. So if I have to die, wearing my sins around my neck then I’m okay with it.”
“I wish I could…could be like you,” Timo said through chattering teeth. “A…a heartless mothafucka that don’t care…care…about anybody.”
The van stopped and the air appeared to be sucked out of the vehicle. It was time to die and the tension was thick. “Before we get out I have a plan,” Kali whispered to the men.
“You just telling us now?” Barrie asked. “They’re about to yank us out of here and you do this now?”
“Better late than dead.” He paused. “Now listen, I have a gun stuck under the van.”
“This…this…your…your van?”
Kali sighed. “Yeah, when they got me I was at the gas station.” He laughed and shook his head. “They let me fill this bitch up and everything, then snatched me before I could get back inside.”
“Do you know who they are?” Barrie asked.
He sighed. “I have an idea. If it’s true that the two of you robbed a stash house then I’m thinking the three of us angered the same man. If that’s the case the men who got us are The Vanishers and they don’t negotiate. If we want out of this we have to kill them.”
“Oh, no…please…please don’t say that,” Timo whined and squirmed around.
“I take it by your response that you know that once a month they pick up every man on the list and dispose of them swiftly. Nobody ever knows the date or time.”
“So…so…we can’t offer them money?” Timo asked. “There’s really…really, no way out of this?”
“They want your life,” Kali said harshly. “Now listen, we don’t have a lot of time. There’s a holster I keep under this van with my gun. When they open those doors I need one of you to trip me or shove me out. When you do I’ll grab the weapon and free both of you. And so there’s no confusion I choose you, Barrie.”
“Why didn’t you tell us this shit before?” Barrie snapped. “We could’ve been talked about the details.”
“Didn’t know if I could trust you,” Kali continued.
“And that’s changed now?”
“No, the only problem now is that I don’t have a choice. If we work together we can get out of this, now are you with me or not?”
Silence.
“Yeah, I’m with it,” Barrie said.
“Me too.” Timo replied.
“Wait, what about your hands?” Barrie whispered. “Aren’t they tied?”
“Got out of them five minutes ago, while you niggas were running your mouths.”
Keys jingled and suddenly the back door whisked open, the glow from the moonlight shined upon their sweaty faces.
PART TWO
CHAPTER TEN
1973 - 4 YEARS LATER
I was propped in the corner of the living room...high.
My warm saggy titties hung down and drooped outward, next to my inner arms. The heroin needle tinged with my blood plopped out of my vein and pricked my thigh. The black leather belt on my bicep loosened each second because I stopped tugging at it the moment the needle did its job.
I don’t know where Otis got this recent bump but it had me feeling in a way not always possible.
My entire body felt as if I were lying on a soft beach, right before a warm ocean wave washed over me, taking away my regrets.
With my high in place I was no longer a bad mother or woman.
At this point in my junkie career I would do anything to get high and I often did. Otis may have hit me off every now and again, on his way to get some pussy, but he didn’t supply my daily habit. That job belonged exclusively to me. There were moments where I could feel the love I had for him, swelling my heart, making it throb so much I felt pain. And other times I believed he liked what I’d become...a shell of the woman I used to be.
And I hated him.
But I was a heroin addict.
And he was all I had. Besides, there weren’t many men in the market for 22-year-old dope fiends with a four-year-old son in tow.
The tingling sensation feels stronger in my stomach before spreading outward, making each part of my body come alive. In ecstasy my head dropped backwards, knocking against the wall. Within seconds I could feel my bladder release, coating everything beneath me in tepid urine. When I tried to get up, my eyes rolled backwards and all I could do was remain where I was.
And then I heard the front door open, followed by her voice.
“I can’t believe this shit!” Jackie yelled as I managed to open my eyes and look in her direction. “You sitting on my living room floor doing this shit again! What the fuck is wrong with you? You too grown for this shit!”
When my head dropped forward I could see a glimpse of my son before my gaze fell again. It was as if my head was too heavy to hold straight. “I’m sorry, Jackie.” I closed my mouth when a glob of slob fell out and slapped against my lap. “I wasn’t feeling good.”
“Sorry ain’t enough! And you weren’t feeling good because you a dope head! I’m the one taking care of you and Kalive. All you do is sit around here and ‘get right’. I wish you would just kill yourself and be done with it already. I mean, what are you waiting for?”
I moved my head slowly upward. When I did I saw the sadness in Kalive’s face. Even at four years old he never cried, just observed everything closely, like he was trying to learn how to be through me. His body had gotten chubbier over the years but his cute face and new clothing made him attractive.
Although everything seemed foggy, I noticed the shopping bags she held in her hands and the new clothing Kalive wore. As the years went by it was obvious that she was stealing my son and because my habit was too important, all I could do was stand by.
“You right,” I said, the effects of the drug wearing off. “I got to do better for my son.”
“Bitch, you beyond doing better for Kalive because as far as I’m concerned I’m his mother. As a matter of fact let me address this shit right now.” She sat on the edge of the couch and pulled my son’s hand toward her. Placing her hands on his shoulders she looked into his eyes. “From here on out I’m your mother.”
“But, mommy is there,” he said pointing at me.
She pressed his hand down and grabbed his shoulders harder. “That’s not your mother, Kalive.” Her voice was firm and I saw him tensing up. “She’s not even able to take care of herself. I’m your mother because I take care of you. She just lives here…do you understand?”
“Don’t do that,” I said, my voice slurring. “You’re confusing him.”
“The only one who’s confused around here is you.” She stood up and looked at me with hardened disgust. “Get up and clean my fucking floor! Or find some place else to stay.” She stomped toward the back of the house and slammed the door.
Immediately after she disappeared Kalive ran to the bathroom and returned with a ball of toilet paper. He handed it to me.
So sweet.
I would cry if I wasn’t high. I guess he remembered she said I pissed on myself and wanted me to have the tissue to wipe up. His innocence was pure, untouched, and I wondered would it always remain.
I looked up at him, with blurred vision. Slowly I pulled my lips apart and said, “I’m sorry, Kalive. One day, one day, I’m going to do good by you. Don’t give up on me, okay?”
I wasn’t sure if he understood, until he wrapped his arms around my neck before kissing me on my cheek.
“Kalive, get in here!” Jackie yelled from the bedroom. “I don’t want you nowhere near that trifling bitch! You stand close enough you’ll probably catch something!”
Kalive looked at me once more and down at the needle next to his foot. He ran into her bedroom. When he disappeared inside, I knew there was no way I could allow her to poison my son’s mind. I may have been a mess but I was still his mother. I was now going to ditch heroin. Done being a sad case, I wanted Kalive to know I could rise up and beat this shit.
After cleaning up the floor I washed the tub and took a long bath. Earlier Jackie said she wanted dinner so I thawed out some steaks, seared them on the stove until they had a nice crust, and tossed them in the oven. Next I washed three large potatoes, salted them and wrapped them in aluminum foil.
When Jackie came out of her room, holding Kalive’s hand, I knew she was going somewhere. “I’m about to buy him some ice cream for dessert. I’ll be back in twenty minutes so make sure dinner is ready, Dope head.”
I rolled my eyes after she left because there was no way I could rush potatoes or steaks along. When she was gone I grabbed the phone and called the one person I could count on no matter how much I fucked up. After the call, an hour later me, Jackie and Kalive were sitting around the table when there was a knock at the front door.
“Who the fuck is that?” she asked staring at me, and then the door.
I shrugged. “Don’t know, want me to get it?”
“You ain’t doing nothing else, you might as well.”
She cut into the steak on her plate and fed it to Kalive. I always knew she was falling in love with my baby, which was the only reason she didn’t throw me out despite her many threats. If I was on the streets she couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t get clean and come back for my kid. She preferred to keep me close and humiliate me on a daily basis.
I wasn’t even allowed to eat her pussy anymore.
I quickly got up and opened the door and my brother immediately eased into the house, looked at me and shook his head. “You look bad, sis. Are you even eating?”
Silence.
“What you doing here?” Jackie asked.
He looked over my head and walked into the house, toward the table. Moving for Kalive he picked him up. “Whoa, you a thick little dude.”
Kalive giggled.
“I know it’s been a minute but I’m your Uncle Grand and I came to get you for a few days. You want to leave with me?”
“Hold up, Grand, you didn’t tell me you were coming.” Jackie’s voice was firm and authoritative.
He looked at her for a minute, maybe giving her a chance to hear her own words. She played the mother so long that she thought she had rights. “I don’t have to tell you what I do with my blood. I’m here to scoop him and unless you his mother you can’t stop me.”
She looked at me and I focused on my wiggling toes.
Grand moved toward the door and it looked like Jackie was about to cry. “What about his clothes?” she yelled. “I just bought him all new stuff!”
“Keep it, I’m sure we’ll make out alright for the time being.” He walked up to me. “I don’t see no blood on his face,” he whispered, so that only I could hear him.
I told Grand Jackie bit him on the face and I was afraid she’d kill him next. I was willing to do whatever I needed to separate them, even lie.
I shrugged. “I wiped it off.”
“Yeah, right. You just be careful. One Eye Wet Faye been asking about you again. At first I wasn’t shocked, since your name comes up whenever she has a problem with her vision. But this time was different.”
“Why?”
“She ain’t living with me, hasn’t been in a while. The dude she’s with now said she bought a gun. Told hi
m it was especially for you.”
Suddenly, the only thing I wanted to do was get high.
Guess I have to wait a little longer to pursue getting clean.
I’m not worried…everything in time.
****
KALIVE
The air was thick and since the house hadn’t been cleaned in months it smelled of sex wrapped in sheets of stale food. The living room carpet was covered with heroin induced sleeping bodies, which appeared more like corpses.
Mayo Kenny, Grand’s latest main squeeze, was asleep on the sofa; Kalive nestled under her large naked breasts. Since he’d been with his uncle he’d become son to everyone, each addict doing their best to care for the impressionable child.
Angie, with the missing front tooth, bathed him on Mondays, which was the same day she had to clean up herself in order to attend the one hour supervised visit with her own kids. The guilt of having her children removed by child protective services would seep into Grand’s house when she’d return. During those few hours she would give Kalive the attention he needed, by playing with him before cleaning him up. It was as if she was trying to tell the court system silently that I am a fit mother. Her plights were always short lived because before long she’d remember he wasn’t hers and look for the closest needle.
Then there was Sarah, who preferred vodka to eating. She fed him every night with a cheap meal she’d purchase from the liquor store. His daily food entailed of cheeseburgers, soggy fries and red apples, which she’d save for his breakfast. Sarah, with her drunken personality, was the one who kept Kalive out of trouble. Her senses heightened after three glasses and she would call his name when she couldn’t see him, forcing him to stay in her view at all times.
But it was Mayo who loved him, and it was Mayo who Kalive looked forward to seeing everyday.
Kalive stirred a little before placing a hand on each of her breasts to stand on his wobbly legs. As Mayo slept he stared at her closed eyelids, refusing to wake her. Feeling like she was being observed, slowly she pulled her crust filled eyes opened and looked at him. She smiled and rubbed his hair. “What you looking at, fat man?” Her mouth opened and brought with it the sweet stank of rotten eggs.
