Kali

by T. Styles

  “And what about him, Bernice?” He paused. “Rufus is out of jail right? Why can’t he see about his kid?”

  I needed him to feel sorry for me because I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was at his end. I just hoped it worked. “He left me, to get off heroin. I don’t have nobody else I can go to, Grand, because if I did I would. I’m begging you.”

  He laughed again and I could feel my patience growing thin. I would hang up if I had other options but I didn’t. “Maybe you should do the same. Get clean. Ever thought about that?”

  “I am clean, Grand!”

  “I’m serious! I haven’t heard from you in years. I don’t even know how you got my number.” One of his whores recognized Kalive on the bus one day and gave it to me. “You didn’t send me money when I was in jail, after everything I did for nephew. And now you call me wanting help?”

  I swallowed the embarrassment. “Grand, it wasn’t like—”

  He hung up and my head dropped. He wasn’t going to help and I knew it before I called but I dialed his number anyway.

  Now I really needed a high and an escape. I could hear the doctor’s warning playing on repeat in my mind and still I didn’t care. It’s the only thing that made me feel like a better person and I was prepared to give up everything for that feeling again.

  I sat next to Kalive on the bed and when he looked over at me, brows lowered, I scooted a few feet away. Maybe I should get him help. Maybe he needed a doctor. But what if he told of all of the things that went on in that apartment? The dogs? The heroin? The murder of Otis? I might get locked up and I couldn’t risk that.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  He looked at me and looked away.

  “Kalive, I’m talking to you.” My voice was angry.

  “You ‘bout to get high again?” he grabbed a few fries out the bag and stuffed them into his mouth.

  I slapped him so hard he stopped chewing. Unlike when I struck him in the past he looked at me, smiled and started chewing again. What was I going to do with him? How could I raise a child who made my blood run cold?

  “I’m sorry, Kalive.” I exhaled.

  “No you not.” His nostrils flared as he continued to eat.

  I stood up and ran my sweaty hands down the front of my jeans. This child wasn’t like Rufus, he was Rufus, and the fear I felt was no different. “Well hurry up an eat. We got some place to be.”

  He dug into the bag, grabbed a finger full of fries and continued to chew.

  Eyes on me the entire time.

  ****

  I didn’t realize the apartment I lived in was so close here. Maybe I move there unconsciously, just to be near them.

  When we got out of the cab we stood in front of the house, looking at it as if it were some shrine, or museum. When I gazed down at Kalive I noticed his dingy white t-shirt was speckled with blood. One of the healed wounds from the unstitched dog bite reopened.

  I took a deep breath. “Kalive, I’m doing this because…because I want a life for you.”

  He stared up at me.

  He wasn’t buying shit I was selling…I could tell.

  “I know you’ll probably grow up to hate me…you probably do now. If you do I can’t change that. I just want you to know I do love you. I may not have always shown you but it’s because I never learned…I didn’t know how…” I swallowed, forgetting what I was about to say. “You’ll do good here. Things will be better, I know it. You’ll see.”

  He stared out at the house and his silence stabbed at my core.

  Why wasn’t he saying anything?

  Needing relief I stood up straight and let out a quick breath. “Okay, I want you to go knock on the door. Tell them you’re their grandson, their only grandson and I’ll be waiting here in case they don’t take you in.”

  I stooped down and kissed the top of his sour smelling hair. Like a horse in a race he bolted toward the door, never looking back. My heart told me I would see him again and it wouldn’t be good.

  The moment he reached the front door and knocked, I saw my mother’s silhouette and I took off running.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  KALI

  1980

  She pretty. Smells so good every time I see her. She gonna be my girlfriend even though she act like she don’t like me. If she keeps fighting I’ma force her. That’s only ‘cause I know how to treat girls. They be liking when boys be rough with them and she ain’t different.

  I stood in front of her apartment and looked down at my jeans. I ain’t got a lot of clothes but I’ma get some. My friend Jace got money and he said if I stay cool with him he gonna look out. He bought me my tennis shoes and when I was home I hid them in the trashcan behind my house ‘cause Grams don’t like him. She said something about the son of a drug dealer not being anybody’s real friend.

  I love Grams but she don’t understand young people stuff. She old and only know old stuff.

  It looked like my clothes were cool so I knocked once. It took too long for somebody to answer so I knocked a few times more, just a little harder. When I heard somebody coming I hid on the side and when she opened the door I yanked her into the hallway.

  “Stop, Kalive!” she slapped my hand. “Let my arm go!”

  “It’s Kali…” I pulled her down a few steps so she couldn’t run back in the house and leave me. She did that some times.

  “I don’t care what it is. If you don’t get off of me I’ma tell my parents.”

  “I’ma let you go but I wanna know why you ran after school? I was calling you after the bell rang and you looked at me and took off.”

  “Can you please let me go first?” she rolled her eyes and I released her arm. “Good, and I ran because you too rough.”

  “But boys ‘spose to be rough with girls. We the boss of ya’ll.”

  She rolled her eyes. “That ain’t what my daddy said. My daddy said boys supposed to be nice if they like you. And supposed to protect you and stuff. Not hurt your arm.”

  “Well that’s what I’m trying to do.”

  “How you gonna do that when you almost as skinny as me?”

  “It don’t matter. I can still fight.” I paused. “And adults always try to get into kid business. Half the time they don’t know what they talking about. I mean, do you think I would hurt you?”

  “It don’t matter, Kali. Because you not my boyfriend and I can talk to whoever I want.”

  “But not him.” I walked closer and when she moved toward the door I pulled her back again. “Chris be freaking on girls and stuff behind the school. I know ‘cause he be around my way telling everybody. I bet your daddy don’t know that.”

  “I don’t tell my parents everything. And Chris ain’t never do none of that stuff to me.”

  She was making me mad and I wanted to hit her. I always wanted to hit her but I was afraid if I did she would be more scared of me. Girls are always scared of me and I don’t know why. If they do what I say things would be fine.

  “So you don’t like me?” I asked. She was quiet and I let her go again. “Well you don’t have no choice. I like you so that means we go together. And I don’t want you around Chris like I said.”

  “Yo, Kali, come outside here right quick,” Paco yelled busting into the building. “Gator out front and he trying to fight you.”

  I turned around to look at him. “Fight me for what?” I frowned.

  “Something ‘bout Jace. He out here too waiting so hurry up.”

  “I’ll be out in a sec.”

  Paco went back out and I looked at Kristen. “I’ma ‘bout to go out but when I come back I’ma have some candy for you okay?”

  “You don’t got no money.”

  “Not now but I’ma get some.” I hopped down the steps. “Just remember what I said, stay away from Chris.”

  I pushed the door open and rushed outside.

  ****

  I saw a lot of people in a group and their backs were t
urned toward me but I couldn’t see Gator. When Jace, Paco and Kreshon came my way then I saw Gator. He was in the middle cracking his knuckles.

  I rushed toward them and when I passed Jace he touched me on the shoulder. Out of all my friends he’s the coolest and I was gonna be just like him. I’ma have a rack of money and everything. The only difference gonna be that Jace close to his father and I don’t know mine that good. He in a mental institution. Without my grandparents I would be alone.

  “Get him good, Kali,” Jace said rubbing his hands together. “I want him on the ground when you done.” He looked at Gator. “Now you about to get fucked up.”

  I nodded and moved toward Gator. My fists were clenched and I was about to hit him when he laughed. Hard. I looked back at my friends and then at Gator because I didn’t catch the joke. “Fuck so funny?” I asked.

  “Everything.” He was laughing so hard now tears were running down his face.

  “Well you not gonna be laughing in a second,” I promised.

  “You dumb, for real. Jace got you fighting his battles and you ‘bout to get beat down. For nothing. I don’t even have no problem with you but if you get in my face I will.”

  I started breathing heavy and looked at my friends again. I don’t know why but I was stuck. Maybe Gator was right. Why was I always fighting Jace’s battles? Why couldn’t he never do it his self?

  “What you waiting on?” Jace yelled. “Fuck him up.”

  “Yeah, Kali, kill this punk,” Paco added slamming his fist into his palm.

  When I turned back around to Gator all I saw was knuckles moving toward my face. He hit me in the center of my nose so hard I tasted my own blood. It hurt and I put both of my hands on my forehead because the pain moved up.

  “What you waiting on, Kali?” Jace said. “You letting him get the best of you? Out here in front of your friends? Damn, Kali, you act like you scared.”

  The best of me? I can’t let nobody get the best of me. If I did everybody would be making fun of me at school.

  I didn’t care about the pain anymore. I clenched my fists and hit Gator in the stomach and face. I did it so hard at first that my wrist hurt. When I hit him a few more times it started to feel good. My punches got harder and after awhile he was on the ground. I got down with him and started hitting him more. He tried to cover his face with his hands so I hit him in the stomach.

  When he begged me to stop I kept going until I couldn’t breathe.

  “Damn, he killing him!” Paco said jumping up and down.

  “I ain’t think he had it in him,” Kreshon said.

  “I told you, he a killer. He do anything I say,” Jace said. “I control this nigga.”

  When I couldn’t fight no more Jace pulled me off of him and I kicked Gator in the side one last time. His blood was everywhere and he was even crying.

  “You did good, monster,” Jace laughed. “You almost killed the boy.”

  He dug into his pocket and handed me a ten-dollar bill. I smiled. “Dang, Jace, this all my money?”

  “I gave it to you right?” He asked. “You keep that shit up and I can get more dough from my pops.” Paco and Kreshon walked up to me. They rubbed my head and slapped me on the shoulder.

  “Now let’s get something to eat!” Jace said. “Don’t worry about it, the food is on me.”

  When I glanced up at the building I saw Kristen looking down. She opened the window. “You crazy, boy. Can’t believe you fought him like that.”

  “You gonna be my girl now?”

  My blood was dropping to the ground and I felt my friends around me, waiting on her answer. If she said no I was gonna be embarrassed.

  She smiled wider and said, “Yes. We go together now.”

  “Damn,” Jace and my friends said jumping up on me. “You gotta a girl now! You see what being the man can do?!”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  KALI

  “Hello, son, you’re just in time,” Nurse Radcliff said when I walked in the house. She was packing the bag she brought over that was full of supplies. “Your grandfather’s already clean and in bed so you don’t have to worry.” She looked at me and squinted. “Kalive, what happened to you?” She rushed up to me and squeezed my chin, moving my head from left to right. “Were you fighting? Again?”

  I walked away and hit it for the kitchen. “Thanks, Mrs. Radcliff but we good now.” I opened the freezer and tossed the frozen chicken in the sink like my grandmother asked.

  “Well…” She shook her head, grabbed her grey purse off the couch and walked toward the door. “You have to take better care of yourself. You start life out hard and in your old age things will be the same.”

  I yawned. “I’m good, Mrs. Radcliff. Thanks though.”

  She shook her head again and walked out the door.

  I hated when adults tried to tell me how to live my life. They don’t know nothing ‘bout what we gotta go through. Don’t know nothing ‘bout how people treat us at school and stuff like that. If you don’t stick up for yourself people will punk you out.

  Most times when adults talking I just smile and tell them what they want to hear, just as long as they stay out my way.

  I grabbed the Kool-Aid pitcher from the fridge, put some ice in a cup and poured me a big glass. All that fighting and stuff made my throat dry and when Jace took us to Burger King earlier I didn’t touch my soda.

  I was too busy thinking ‘bout my new girl and how she looked when she saw me fighting. She looked like she may have liked it but I could never tell. Girls are weird. The ones I know anyway.

  After I finished my juice I washed my cup, put the pitcher back in the fridge and walked to my grandparents room. Granddad was looking at TV and smiled when I came inside. It tripped me out how his face had a lot of wrinkles but his eyes were bright. Like he young or something.

  “Hey, son.” He reached for me and I shook his hand. “How was school?”

  “Fine…” I shrugged. “I ain’t have too many problems.”

  He smiled and leaned in, I guess looking at my face. “Whatever happened it looks like you won.”

  “I did.” I laughed. “And I got a new girl too.”

  “Son, go on over there to that closet and bring me that bag that’s sitting on the floor. I want to give you something.” I opened the door and pulled the bag to the side of the bed so he could look down and see it. “Open it up.”

  I pulled the zipper and saw a bunch of stuff inside. There were army jackets, pants and knives. “Where you get this from, granddad?”

  “I was in the military for a while. Not long enough to make a fuss but it was the proudest moment of my life, and I collected a lot of shit. But I also did a lot of things I’m not proud of too. Most young soldiers do.”

  I sat on the floor, pulled my legs toward my chest and rested my arms on my knees. “Like what?”

  He looked at the door. “Like take pussy, even if they didn’t want to give it to me,” he whispered.

  My eyes widened and I fell out laughing. “Granddad, what you know ‘bout pussy?” His face got serious and I felt bad for making fun of him. “Sorry, Granddad.”

  “Don’t apologize.” He waved me off. “A man should never feel sorry for stating how he feel.” He did that funny thing where it looked like he was chewing his gums because he didn’t have teeth. “I know you think I’m senile, and I guess most times I am. But I had more problems coming up in my life than I would ever admit to my wife. Those things I remember. One of the main reasons I went to the army was to avoid being prosecuted.”

  “For…for what?”

  “A white girl I dated and fucked a few times decided she wasn’t gonna give me no more. Talking about her father didn’t want her fucking niggers.” He laughed. “I reminded her that she’d been fucking me for weeks so nothing would be different.”

  “What changed?”

  He shook his head. “You twelve years old. Too young to know about what moves a woman but old enough to find out anyway.”<
br />
  I think he lost his thoughts again.

  He scratched his head. “Anyway, son, the point I’m trying to make is men in my family have always, always, been violent if they can’t get their way.”

  I scooted closer. “Why?”

  “Don’t know…think it started with my great grandfather. He was the product of slavery and once killed his white master for raping and killing his wife. Back then women didn’t have a choice, especially not negro female slaves.” He scratched his head again. “Anyway he made up in his mind that nobody was going to take anything else from him and he lived that way all of his life.

  “After murdering his master and killing him, he escaped. He was wanted but would kill any white man who tried to capture him. Before long his reputation grew and some slave hunters were so afraid of him they would cross his path but refuse to confront him. He lived on the run for the rest of his life, took what he wanted no matter man, woman or property.” He scratched his head again. “Men in this family are possessive and if you anything like us you ain’t no different.”

  “What lies you telling this boy now?” My grandmother asked walking into the room.

  I didn’t hear her come home.

  I jumped up, kissed her on the cheek and put her purse on the chair in their room. She sat on the edge of the bed and I helped take off her shoes. “Such a sweet boy, don’t know what I—” She leaned in and looked at my face. “Kalive, what happened this time?” She touched my cheek.

  “Nothing, Grams. Don’t worry.”

  She shook her head. “So old for your age.” She touched my shoulder. “Walk me into the kitchen.” I helped her up and she washed her hands and salt and peppered the chicken. “I saw your mother today.” She flipped a few pieces over and salted the other side.

  I think she was putting too much salt on.

  “Did you hear me, Kalive? I saw Bernice.”

  I leaned against the refrigerator. “Where she at?”

  She sighed. “I know where she is physically but mentally I have no idea.” She shook her head. “My daughter’s a prostitute. I knew it was going to happen, heard things ‘round the neighborhood but tonight I saw it with my own eyes. I saw her going down the wrong road and I tried to avoid it, which is why I was so hard on her. But my pressure didn’t work.”