by J. Sterling
“Hey yourself,” he said, his tone not as friendly as I had expected.
“You okay?” I asked because I hadn’t thought for a second that things between Chance and me could go back to the way they had been at the beginning. Not after the other night at his house.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, sounding anything but.
I tossed my bag on top of the table with a loud thud and sat down. “Please don’t turn into the old Chance,” I practically pleaded, and he cocked his head to one side.
“The old Chance?”
“Yeah,” I started to explain, “the one who goes back and forth, up and down. The one I can’t read. I thought we were past all that. I thought we were”—I paused for a second—“friends.”
He swallowed hard. I watched his throat bob. “We are.”
“Friends tell each other what’s wrong.”
“Fine.” He relented with a huff. “I heard something”—he shrugged one shoulder—“and it upset me.”
Color me intrigued. I waved my hand to get him to continue talking. “Tell me more.”
“Did something happen to you last year with a football player?” He tried to act composed, but the anger in his tone was undeniable.
I was caught off guard. Surprised. I hadn’t even remotely expected this. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I really didn’t want to relive what I’d already put behind me either. “Yeah. How’d you hear?”
“One of my old teammates said something about it last night,” he said casually, and every word stuck in my head.
He was talking about me to his friends?
“What did he say?”
“That a football player stalked you.” His green eyes pinched together, and he looked like he was in physical pain.
It took everything in me not to reach out and comfort him. I wanted to grab his hand, kiss the top of it, and tell him that I was okay now. That he didn’t need to worry.
“Is it true?” His voice cracked and I felt a piece of me crack as well.
Nodding, I answered, “It’s true.”
The pained expression on his face stayed put as he stared, and it damn near killed me.
“Are you okay?” He reached for my hand, took it in his, and held it, his thumb rubbing across the top.
I’d almost forgotten that he asked me anything. All I could feel was his skin on mine.
“I’m okay,” I answered, but it came out in a whisper.
“Are you sure?”
“I am. He’s gone now. And he stopped before it got really bad.”
“He never should have started.” Chance dropped my hand, and I focused on the empty feeling there instead of his words. “Danika.” Chance’s voice was strong, demanding that I give him my attention.
I looked up, unsure of what he needed from me. “What?”
“I’m going out of my fucking mind, okay? The thought of someone hurting you. Touching you when you don’t want them to.” His eyes closed, and his jaw clenched. His head shook one last time, like he was ridding it of all the bad thoughts and images that lived there. “I can’t handle it. I literally can’t fucking handle it when it comes to you.”
This guy pushed every single emotional button I had inside of me. Jared made me feel stupid whenever he brought up the subject, but Chance made me feel protected and desired.
“I don’t … I don’t know what to say,” I admitted honestly, stumbling over my own awareness.
“Is this a one-way thing?” He waved a finger between our two bodies, and I knew what he was asking.
What am I supposed to say? I had a boyfriend, and Chance was making me feel things I had no right to feel, asking me things I had no business answering.
“Please, Danika, I need to know at least that.”
“It’s never been a one-way thing,” I said on a shaky breath. It was all out in the open now, and neither one of us could take it back. “But we can’t do anything about it.”
His face soured. “You plan on staying with Jared forever? You going to marry this guy? Is that what you’re telling me?”
What? How have we gone from us having feelings for eachother to me marrying Jared?
Even though my gut response was to scream out, NO, at the top of my lungs, my body reacted defensively, as if it were being attacked. “I have no idea.”
“Danika, listen to me.” He turned in his chair, his body angling toward mine. “Your boyfriend’s a dick. He was rude as hell to you and—”
“Stop,” I demanded. “You don’t get to tell me about my relationship. You don’t get to have an opinion on something you know nothing about.”
“I just never pegged you for that type of girl, is all,” he sneered, and I had no idea what he meant.
“What type of girl?” I asked, repeating his words.
“The kind who gets off on being treated like shit. I thought you girls grew out of that phase after high school.”
“That’s it!” I yelled before pushing to my feet. “I can’t do this with you.”
He reached for my hand and pulled me back down to my chair, forcing me to sit. Our knees touched, and neither one of us moved to break the contact.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, but I still saw red.
“I can’t keep doing this with you for the rest of the semester,” I said before taking back everything I’d worked so hard to make with him. “I know I’m the one who pushed us to be friends, but I can’t be your friend, Chance.”
I realized in that moment that my hand was still in his. He leaned forward, our faces inches from one another. His lips were close enough that if I closed the gap just a fraction, they’d touch, and I’d finally know what his felt like.
“I never wanted to just be your friend.”
“I think you should find another tutor,” I said quietly, my eyes focused directly on his mouth.
His tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, and I swore I almost started drooling when he slowly pulled it between his teeth. I wanted to kiss him so bad, I could taste it. In all the time I’d dated Jared, I’d never been attracted to another guy. I’d never even considered the possibility. Until now.
“There is no one else, remember? I’ve already checked,” he admitted, and I was mesmerized by the way his lips moved and pursed together.
“You checked?” I averted my gaze from his mouth and watched as he nodded before leaning back, giving us space but not too much. “Why?”
“Because of this. You distract me. You tempt me. I fucking want you, and I don’t know how to stop.” He sounded breathless, and my mind instantly went to the bedroom, wondering if that was how he sounded when he was having sex.
I imagined his large body hovering over mine, all of his hard muscles flexing, begging to be touched.
“I want to kiss you, Danika. I want to make you forget that anyone else in the world exists, except you and me.”
I held my breath as the weight of his words crashed down around me.
“But I won’t. Because I’d hate myself for it after.”
“I’d hate myself too,” I conceded, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it as badly as you do.”
“Then, break up with him,” he said simply. “Break up with him, so I can finally know what you taste like. What you feel like. And so I can stop jerking off in the shower to make-believe bullshit images of you and have the real thing.”
He thinks about me in the shower? Why do I find that so hot?
“It’s not that easy,” I said with a sigh.
Ending a relationship wasn’t as simple as someone from the outside made it seem. Even with the drama and fights, it still wasn’t easy to walk away from something you’d spent the last five years building.
“I know he’s been there for you. But just because you have a past with someone doesn’t mean that you owe them your future. If you want to be with Jared, tell me, and I’ll back off. I’ll never bring it up again. But if you’re anywhere near as unhappy as I think you are, then do the right th
ing and end things with him. Just know that the second you do, I’m making you mine.”
This was all too much. Everything that had lived in the dark between Chance and me was being tossed into the light, begging to be seen. I needed to get us back on track, focused. End the conversation that truly was none of his business and get him out of my relationship, where he didn’t belong.
“We should really study.”
He grinned, and his lone dimple appeared. “Okay, Danika, let’s study.”
He was giving in for me, and I took it without a fight.
Two Weeks Later
I’d be lying to myself if I said that knowing Chance wanted me didn’t change things. It absolutely did. I started thinking more about what my life could look like without Jared. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My body, my mind, every part of me wanted to know what being with Chance would feel like.
Which was why, after our mutual admission and the fact that Chance had passed his next math test with ease, I’d taken his tutoring down to once a week. It was the right thing to do even though everything in me rebelled against the separation. I knew that Chance had hoped for a different decision from me as well, but I couldn’t grant him that kind of power over me or my relationship.
He’d tried to text me a few times, but I’d put a stop to that, too, by either not responding at all or giving one-worded answers. He took the hint, choosing silence in return, which I both hated and desperately needed. It was the only way for me to figure things out on my end without Chance Carter clouding my judgment.
Whatever I decided to do about Jared, it couldn’t be about Chance. But to be honest, it was really hard to separate the two of them in my head. Breaking up with Jared meant that I’d finally have a shot to be with Chance. And I knew that I wanted that, but I hated that I felt like a bad person because of it. I was not the type of girl to end one relationship for another. Or at least, I never had been before.
I hated that I felt like I was doing something wrong when everything about being with Chance felt so opposite of that. I wished my mom were here. It was one of those times when I longed to pick up the phone and call her for advice. I tried to think about what she’d tell me to do even though I knew she would insist that I follow my heart even if it broke someone else’s.
Some of her last words echoed in my mind.
“Be happy. Be ridiculously happy, Nika. Don’t let anyone else be responsible for your joy. That’s up to you. So, chase it. Without abandon. Without guilt. Without fear. And never settle. Not in life. And especially not in love.”
The front door slammed.
“Honey, I’m home,” Sunny’s voice rang out, and I giggled.
It was really damn hard to be sad around that girl. And even though she’d recently pushed me for information about Chance, I’d kept quiet. I kept our confessions to myself, locking them inside me, where I considered them safer. Sharing them with her would make them real.
“In the kitchen, where I belong,” I teased, and Sunny squealed in response.
“Baking, I hope!” she said as she bounced into view with a grin.
I held out a giant spoonful of homemade chocolate chip cookie dough, and she greedily grabbed it.
“Please tell me you sprinkled sea salt on top of the chocolate chips!” She leaned down toward the oven and tried to peer inside. “I can’t see in there,” she whined.
“Why the hell would I put sea salt on them?” I asked.
“You know nothing about culinary baking,” she complained before grabbing the spoon filled with dough and licking it. “So, what’s wrong? You only bake when you’re thinking about things or trying to figure out a problem.”
Damn. I’d figured I had at least a few more minutes before she called me out.
Looking at her with a frown, I relented. “I was thinking that Jared and I might need to take a break.”
Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head. “Is this a joke? Are you kidding? Seriously? Why? What happened? Tell me everything.” She hopped on top of the counter and started swinging her feet.
“I just …” I paused, trying to remember all of her questions. “I haven’t been happy in a while. And it’s not getting better, you know?”
She nodded before tossing the spoon into the sink with a clang.
“I invited him over later to talk.”
“Does he have any idea?”
“I don’t know. I mean, there’s no way he can truly be happy. We’ve been fighting more than ever lately. It’s like we can’t even get along anymore. Everything I do makes him mad. And everything he does annoys me.”
“Well, the Chance factor came into your equation,” Sunny said, wiggling her eyebrows.
I found myself laughing. “The what?”
“I was trying to sound all math-y,” she said with a giggle of her own as the timer buzzed.
Reaching inside the oven, I pulled out the freshly baked cookies and set them on top of the stove to cool.
“But you know what I mean. Chance came into your world and shook it all up.”
“Yeah, but Jared and I weren’t getting along way before Chance ever showed up. He just exacerbated the issue, I think.”
“Ooh, big word.”
I rolled my eyes. “Honestly, I just think he made it hard for me to ignore the fact that I haven’t been happy in a really long time.”
“Because, with Chance, you could be?” Sunny asked, her blonde hair falling over one eye, and I stayed quiet as her question rolled around in my head.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Yes, you do. You just don’t want to admit it. Still. Which is annoying because we both know the truth. Now, give me a cookie.” She pursed her lips as I grabbed a paper towel and a spatula.
“What do you say?” I taunted with the cookie in front of her grabby hands.
“Pleeeeeeease,” she said in a childlike voice, and I handed it over.
The thought of ending things with Jared was scary. It might sound dumb from the outside, but I was comfortable in our relationship, even when it sucked. And comfort was a key factor in staying somewhere you no longer belonged. Because it was easier. And because change was hard.
Jared and I both planned on working for my father’s company once we graduated in May. We wanted to move back home to New York and start our successful careers and lives, side by side. We had planned out our futures since we had basically gotten together. Looking back, I could see how innocent we were, convinced that nothing could ever come between us if we didn’t want it to.
But I wasn’t sure I wanted that future anymore. When I looked forward, what used to be so clear was now blurry. Everything I’d promised Jared for years, I wanted to take back. I was mad at myself for being so naive, for assuming that nothing could ever change, especially my feelings for him.
“Just because you have a past with someone doesn’t mean that you owe them your future.”
Chance’s words echoed in my mind, and I tried to force myself into believing them.
Take a Break
Danika
I paced the small space of my bedroom, trying to work up the courage or the nerve to have this conversation with Jared. He was on his way over and would be here any minute.
“Why is this so scary?” I screamed out, knowing that Sunny would hear me wherever she was in the apartment.
Instead of her answering, I heard the sound of her feet running toward me. “Because he’s been a constant in your life for five years. That’s a long time.” I opened my mouth to respond when she sat on the edge of my bed and added, “Plus, you two have a lot of history. Like, a lot of history. That has to make it even harder. Or at least, feel like it makes it harder.”
“I don’t want to make a mistake. Is this a mistake?” I clasped my hands together and looked at her blue eyes.
“If you’re not happy—and trust me, you’re not, and you haven’t been”—she looked almost sad—“then you’re settlin
g. And we are not the kind of people who settle!” she exclaimed as she stood up from my bed. “We don’t settle in love when we could have so much better. Am I right, or am I right?”
I smiled, her words reminding me of the ones my mom had said to me all those years ago. “I don’t want to settle. I just don’t want to be wrong either.”
“You aren’t wrong. Take it from someone on the outside, looking in. Things between you two changed way before you ever realized it.”
“What does that mean?” I asked in my go-to defensive tone, feeling like, once again, Sunny wasn’t telling me something.
“I just meant that your heart’s been unhappy for way longer than your brain has.”
A knock on the door alerted us to Jared’s arrival.
Sunny stepped closer to me and grabbed my hand. “Just remember one thing: how you’re feeling about Jared and his suckiness has nothing to do with Chance and the fact that he’s awesome.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I know that.”
“But Jared will try to convince you otherwise. Don’t believe him,” she said before walking out of my bedroom and shutting her own door instead of answering the one Jared stood behind.
She really does hate him.
Walking to the front door, I sucked in a long breath before pulling it open. Jared stood there, a fist filled with roses and a smile on his face. I hadn’t expected that.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said as he walked in, giving me a heavy kiss on the lips instead of what had become our usual quick peck in greeting.
“Uh, hi.” I tried to sound composed but couldn’t.
“These are for you.” He handed me the flowers, and I instinctively brought them to my nose, so I could inhale their scent. I didn’t even like the way roses smelled, and here I was, breathing them in like they gave me life or something.
“Thank you. They’re so pretty. What’s the occasion?” I asked, realizing that he wasn’t going to make this easy.
“No occasion. I just know that things haven’t been great between us lately, and I wanted to fix that. I’ve been negligent. And jealous. I wanted to apologize and let you know that I’ll be better.”
Damn. I hadn’t counted on that coming out of his mouth. I hadn’t counted on any of this. His sudden change of heart. His willingness to see his faults and correct them. But they were just words, and he’d said them all before. I needed to remember that actions told the truth and that words could lie.
