Dirty Little Love Story

by Alpha, Alicia

  And I’ll stop those tears from coming – whatever it takes.

  I will not break.

  REINA

  1

  I’m lost in a whirlwind of thoughts. It’s been like this for days. All I’ve done is lay in bed, faking a fever and being sick as the housekeeper frets around me. Rowan’s away on a business trip, and for once, I am thankful for it. I need time to heal, and to think.

  As I lay in my queen sized bed, my hands sliding over the silk sheets, I think of my life. Think back on all the terrible things I’ve done. All for him. Always for him.

  I drift between sleeping, daydreaming and laying there without a single thought. Memories come and go, tears run down and dry up.

  I’m breaking.

  Slowly, but surely, I am breaking.

  2

  I met him first.

  He was mine before he was hers.

  Always remember that.

  ***

  I was dreading the evening ahead of me already, and it wasn’t even 5 p.m. I had a dinner to go to, once again forced to attend by my opportunistic mother. We were having a late lunch together, like usual. She never came home early enough to have a normal one, so I’d resigned to eating it this late in the day.

  “I want you to wear the green dress I got you,” my mother was saying, a fork in one hand, her Blackberry in the other. She was typing something furiously, her long nails clacking on the keyboard.

  I looked at my own hands subconsciously. My nails were bitten down and had chipping red nail polish on them. We were so different, my mother and I.

  “Please remember, Reina,” she kept on saying, never once looking away from the tiny screen in her hands. “You have to make a good impression, since I won’t be there. You’ll have to convince them that we’re a good client for them.”

  She set her phone down. Finally. She still wouldn’t look at me though, focusing her gaze on the roast and the potatoes in front of her. My food tasted like sawdust in my mouth, and I was having trouble keeping it down.

  “They’re sending a lawyer over from the firm, to help and guide you,” mother went on and I found myself nodding. At least I wouldn’t be completely alone, even if that meant I’d be in the company of a balding bespectacled man of the law.

  We ate the rest of our meal in silence. Well, she did. I knew I couldn’t keep down much food, so I just picked at my plate, hoping my mother would not notice and sneaking glances at her. She never once returned a look, or offered even the smallest of smiles.

  Abruptly, she got up from the table and wiped her mouth with a cloth napkin. I stared at the fabric as she discarded it, the stark white now marred with her dark lipstick. She never wore reds or pinks, instead preferring a dark purplish shade that had gotten her the nickname Vampire Queen.

  As I surveyed her stained lips, she really did remind me of a blood sucker.

  While I was looking at her, I realized she was finally looking back for once. I blushed lightly, but matched her gaze. Her eyes were cold and numb, and she was appraising me.

  “Wear the green dress,” she repeated. “And for god’s sake, do something about your chest.”

  She turned on her heels and walked out on me, while my hand rushed to cover my quickly reddenning decolletage. I was a late bloomer, but my breasts had gotten enormous during the past year – a fact my mother never let me forget, declaring them tacky and demanding I hid them as best as I could.

  I sat alone in the dining room for another minute, contemplating my sorry excuse for a life. My classmates were all at college now, and I was dealing with my control freak of a mother.

  Fuck my life.

  3

  As I was getting ready, the green dress taunted me. It was an old fashioned number, completely hiding my best assets and making me look older and about 5 years old at the same time. I hated that thing with a passion.

  In an act of sudden rebellion, I opened the doors of my walk-in closet and surveyed the inside. My eyes landed instantly on my hidden purchase. I would have a lot of explaining to do when my mother realized I’d swiped my credit card on a short, midnight blue cocktail dress that went perfectly with my skin tone and red hair.

  I wanted to wear it so badly. Surely it couldn’t be so bad if I wore the blue instead of the green?

  Not letting myself think it over, I slipped the blue dress of the hanger and over my head. It hugged my body in all the right parts and I knew it made me look like a million bucks. Accompanying it with minimal black heels and a sequinned jacket, I was ready in time to go for once.

  The driver was waiting for me already as I rushed out of our house, almost stumbling in my heels. Suddenly, the prospect of going to an art gallery opening didn’t feel so dreadful after all. I might even have some fun without my mother breathing down my neck every second of the evening!

  As the driver opened the door for me and I climbed in, I stumbled again and made a not-so-graceful entrance into the car.

  “Careful there,” a rough voice warned me and I jumped up, hitting my head on the roof of the car. Brilliant, Reina, I scolded myself in my mind, settling on the seat.

  My eyes found the mystery voice.

  I could tell you some bullshit or other about love at first sight, but I refuse to do that. This wasn’t love. As soon as I looked into those dark eyes, I fell hard. I saw him making it all better. Saw him taking care of me, wiping my tears when no one else would. Kissing me goodnight and holding me until I fell asleep.

  I blushed furiously as the thoughts raced through my head and looked away, clutching the sequin jacket closed over my chest, suddenly self-conscious.

  He leaned forward and offered me his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said gruffly. “I didn’t even introduce myself. I’m Rowan Carlson. I’m from your mother’s new law firm.”

  I reached out a shaky hand and used the moment to steal another glance at him. He was so tall his head was almost touching the roof of the car. Dark, messy hair that didn’t suit a lawyer at all, and scruff on his face. Those dark eyes, and full lips, combined with chiseled cheekbones, made me crush on him instantly.

  He was older, but not ancient, like I’d expected him to be. I stared at his lips intently for a second, wondering what he tasted like.

  Stop being such a stupid schoolgirl, I scolded myself and fought back a giggle.

  “Reina,” I said simply, and realized with surprise he was smiling himself. “What?” I demanded.

  “Err,” he hesitated for a moment, then laughed softly. “You’ve got lipstick all over your teeth.”

  I blushed again and furiously wiped my mouth as the car got going. Great first impression, I thought sarcastically. Way to go, Reina.

  3

  The evening was a blur in the best way possible.

  As soon as we made our way to the gallery, my eyes were wide open and curious. I thanked myself in my mind for not wearing the green dress – everyone there was so fashionable and chic. Rowan offered me his hand as we walked in and I hesitated before taking it.

  As soon as I did, an electric current ran through my body and I had to look away to hide my sharp intake of breath. It felt so good to be touched by him, even if it was in a platonic way.

  For the next few minutes, wonder took over my crush as I was intrigued by the beautiful exhibition. I wandered around the place, inspecting every painting and smiling politely at the visitors. Everyone was so nice, and I’d had a few compliments already. Whereas I would usually shrug them off, today I took them in stride, glowing brighter with every new one.

  Sometimes, I felt Rowan’s eyes on me, but as soon as I turned to look at him, he looked away. I felt a burning need for him in my stomach like nothing I’d experienced before when I went out with my classmates. But combined with the high of being out on my own, I was thrilled.

  Even the talk with the investors went well, and only took a few minutes. They complimented my appearance and I blushed lightly, taking the compliment. Reassured, the investors went on to see the e
xhibition and I clutched Rowan’s hand excitedly, forgetting about the crush for a split second.

  “That went so well!” I said excitedly and he gave me a small smile.

  “I’m not surprised. You’re a born talker,” he winked at me. God, that made my insides churn.

  I looked away, blushing for the upteempth time that evening, but he took my hand and I turned back, surprised.

  “Want to see something?” he asked in hushed tones and I found myself nodding excitedly. “Come here,” he said softly, and looked around before pulling me towards a door with the sign Fire Escape.

  I only hesitated for a moment before following him.

  ***

  We ran up the fire escape, me giggling quietly and Rowan encouraging me to be quiet with a wide grin on his face. I don’t know how many floors we passed, but my legs were aching by the time we got to the top.

  We were in front of an enormous door.

  “You ready?” Rowan asked and I nodded quickly, trying to catch my breath.

  He grabbed my hand and pushed the door open.

  We were on the roof of the building. It was late now, and the sky was the same midnight blue as my dress and pepper with so many bright stars and a shiny moon, I felt my face get illuminated by the light.

  “Wow,” I breathed heavily and turned my face upwards. “Wow,” I murmured again.

  I had thought the art show was beautiful, but this was different. This was beauty that wasn’t of human origin, but nature in its purest form. It was beautiful, a play of light and darkness, reminding me of my inner turmoil.

  As I stared at the infinite sky, I felt my eyes welling up with tears and I looked away, trying to hide my emotions even though I never could do it very well.

  “Are you okay?” Rowan was asking me, but it felt so far away. I nodded slowly. He was next to me in seconds, turning me around so I could face him. “Are you afraid of heights?” he worried out loud, and I could only shake my head.

  “Is it me? Did I upset you?” he asked.

  I shook my head again, the tears spilling over.

  He didn’t ask anything else, but produced a tissue from his pocket and gently pressed it to my cheek, his finger connecting with my warm skin as our eyes met above his hand.

  I wanted him to kiss me very badly. But it was for all the wrong reasons. I would not make him make it better, because tomorrow, it would be back to reality, and I would be even more heartbroken when he wouldn’t acknowledge me at the next charity function we attended together.

  Instead, I kissed him.

  4

  It was a spur of the moment decision and I felt him go rigid as soon as our lips connected. I didn’t move away though, licking his lips softly and prying them open with my shy tongue.

  He stood frozen to the spot for a while, but his arms hesitantly found their way around my waist and pulled me against his body.

  He was strong and tough, all muscle. He was so much taller than me I had to stand on tiptoes to reach his lips. His delicious, glorious lips, that were making it all better, if only for a night.

  Our kiss grew from a soft exploration to a wild need in seconds. He clutched me close and I buried my fingers in his hair, thankful for the feel of him, the taste of him.

  “Don’t stop,” I whispered softly against his lips when I feared he would move away.

  “I don’t think I can,” he replied with a deep voice and I felt my whole body shiver in his hands.

  He lifted me up then, and carried me away from the entrance, pushing me against the wall of the building. I wrapped my legs around his body tightly, trying to get as close as humanly possible.

  His hands found my ass and he groaned in my mouth, his tongue finding mine and teasing it relentlessly. I’d never done something like this before and my heart was thumping loudly in my chest.

  Beat, beat, beat – this is happening.

  Beat, beat – I want you so badly.

  Beat – This is wrong.

  Beat – But it feels so good.

  “Don’t tell my mom,” I whispered in his mouth, and it was as if I’d dumped a bucket of ice cold water over his head. He lowered me to the ground instantly, his tongue leaving my mouth so I whimpered in protest, reaching out to him to pull him back.

  But he moved away, his hands up in his hair, his shirt creased and his tie crooked.

  “What the fuck,” he mumbled to himself and I nervously patted my messy updo. He paced around the roof while I looked at him, feeling confused. “Shit, shit, shit,” he kept repeating, and I started feeling more and more lightheaded. He was already regretting it, and it had been seconds since he’d let me go.

  “I’ll just be going, then,” I said bitterly and turned to leave. When I was almost at the exit, his hands grabbed me from behind and spun me around, and the butterflies in my stomach batted their wings once more.

  “What?” I asked angrily, looking up into his dark eyes.

  5

  His face was twisted and angry, his frown scaring me. I recoiled from his touch and tried to get away, but he held on tightly.

  “Why did you do that?” he snarled at me and I looked back up, surprised.

  “Do what?” I asked, genuinely concerned for my own safety. He wasn’t hurting me – yet. His grip was tight and didn’t allow me to move an inch.

  “Kiss me,” he groaned in my face, his frown deepening, and I felt my face go as red as a beet.

  I ripped my arm out of his hand with all the force I could muster up, and since my resistance surprised him, I stumbled backwards, finally rid of his touch which burned my skin like fire.

  “Sorry,” I said roughly. “I just wanted to,” I added lamely, rubbing my arm where it tingled.

  “You’re selfish,” he spat out at me, reaching me in two brisk steps so our faces were only inches apart once more. But where it was sexy and hot a few minutes ago, now I felt threatened and scared. “You don’t get to do what you want, don’t you know that? What about other people? You ever think about anyone but yourself?”

  Anger simmered in me and I used both my hands to shove him back. He didn’t move an inch and it only made me angrier, so I thumped my fists against his broad chest like a small child, noting the irony of what I was doing.

  He grabbed both of my hands in one swift motion, holding them away from his body. His fingers were like hot iron on my wrists and I longed for his mouth to find mine again, but judging by his furious face, that wasn’t about to happen anytime soon.

  “I thought you liked me,” I protested angrily and he sighed, rubbing his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.

  “You’re …” he started and left the sentence hanging in the air, which only angered me further.

  “I what?” I yelled at him, trying hard to rip myself out of his tight clasp.

  “You’re just a kid,” he said softly, and his touch on my wrists loosened. For some reason unknown to me, I stopped struggling for a moment and just watched him, his inner turmoil apparent on his face.

  “I’m 18,” I offered as a consolation price.

  “You can’t even have a glass of wine with me,” he said sadly, but I thought I saw the corners of his mouth twitching lightly upwards. “And I’m your mother’s lawyer.” He was all business again now. “I promised I’d take care of you. And somehow I don’t think she’d approve of me kissing you.”

  “You also felt me up a little,” I offered politely and felt a grin escape my face.

  He glared at me, but there was that twitch again. Next second, he sighed and let my hands go. Immediately, I moved closer, my hands on his chest, my lips whispering in his ear.

  “She doesn’t have to know,” I said softly. He didn’t move, his head bent down towards mine.

  “It was just a kiss,” he complained just as quietly as I did, but I smacked his chest with my hand.

  “Okay, then, you won’t mind if we never do it again?” I teased him, moving away.

  He took my hand swiftly, but hesitant
ly, and I stopped. He tugged on my fingers and I moved back, but he was still looking at the floor intently.

  “I do mind,” he confessed and a triumphant smile brightened my face. He finally looked up, looking deep into my eyes and I got lost in the depths of dark chocolate.”I’d like to do many things with your mouth, but leaving it alone did not make the list,” he added and I felt goosebumps erupt where he was touching me.

  He leaned in close until our lips were almost touching again and I gasped lightly, already ready for the next kiss, the next moment where our lips met and those sparks burned deep inside of me again.

  “Our little secret?” I offered.

  He nodded, finally breaking into the smile he’d been hiding.

  It was an innocent beginning.

  Little did we know it was the start of a wicked, twisted journey.

  6

  At some point, I realize I won’t be able to stay in bed forever. Sooner or later, I will have to face reality.

  After the fourth day of self pity, I finally get up. I wash my hair, dry it and curl it until it floats around my pretty face in those signature flame red waves. I put on my prettiest dress, because I know Rowan is coming home today. I apply makeup – cat eye liner and soft pink lipstick, just how he likes it.

  I do it all mindlessly, with the moves of an experienced woman, even though I’m just a girl.

  As I finish, I let myself have a brief moment to wallow.

  I’m so broken. I’m in pieces. Yet I’ve glued them all back together, every shard, every fragment. They may not hold well, but I’m in place, not shattered on the floor. I can stand. I can talk. I can live.

  I think of my past, I think of my present, I think of my future. There is only one constant.

  Rowan.

  The man I’ve broken myself for is coming home today. And even though it hurts more every time he splits my heart in two, I know I’ll always come back. Always be there. Always love him, only him.