No Place Like Home_a gripping psychological thriller

by Rebecca Muddiman

  ‘I’m okay,’ I said. ‘I’ve just got a bit of an upset stomach. I’ll be down in a minute.’ I heard him go downstairs, and after a few more minutes, I followed him. ‘I hope I haven’t poisoned us,’ I said with a smile but still clutching my guts.

  ‘I’m all right,’ he said.

  I sat down beside him and held a cushion to my belly, excusing myself a couple more times, spraying air freshener after each visit. ‘Maybe I should go,’ I said after my third trip to the toilet.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Stay.’ Then, he jumped up and grabbed his jacket. ‘I’ll go and get you something for your belly.’

  ‘You don’t need to do that,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ he said, and then he was gone, returning ten minutes later with some Imodium.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, and took the packet to the kitchen, taking a couple out of the packet and slipping them into my pocket. ‘I might go to bed,’ I said as I went back in to Jacob. ‘I don’t feel so good.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, and turned off the TV.

  ‘You don’t have to come,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t mind.’

  As I turned and headed up the stairs, I rolled my eyes. He really couldn’t take a hint. So, I went in to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and then took off my trousers but left everything else on and lay down on the bed, clutching a pillow to my guts.

  ‘Poor Polly,’ he said, and rubbed my back which, I had to admit, felt nice.

  I guess I fell asleep quickly, and when I woke I realised it was after eight-thirty and I was going to be late for work.

  ‘Shit,’ I said, and jumped out of bed.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Jacob asked.

  ‘Work,’ I said.

  ‘But you’re not well.’

  Any other time I would’ve just called in sick, but I’d already called in the day before, and besides, the other option was to stay there all day with Jacob.

  ‘I don’t feel so bad now,’ I said, and found some clean clothes in my holdall. I took them into the bathroom and had a wash and got changed. When I was ready, I went back into the bedroom and kissed Jacob on the top of his head. ‘I’ll see you later,’ I said, and rushed out, thinking it’d be tough to keep this up, but it’d be worth it in the end.

  39

  The next few days went past in a blur of excuses and avoidance. My stomach still hurts, I’ve got my period, my mum’s taken another turn for the worse. Jacob was patient and didn’t force himself on me, but I knew it would only last so long. I’d used the period excuse the night before so figured I could draw it out for a week at least. But while I was on the bus, I realised I was actually due on the week after and wondered if Jacob would believe I had two-week long periods. It was possible, I supposed.

  But other than avoiding intimacy, staying with Jacob wasn’t so bad. I’d trained him to clean up a bit more, had taught him to use the washing machine. I was helping him as much as myself really. I even convinced him to look at job adverts.

  I didn’t go home to the flat for three days and then only because I needed more clean clothes. I didn’t really want to see the girls, Sasha had been calling non-stop about the bloody rent. But I knew I couldn’t slip out of work again so had to face seeing them.

  ‘Hi,’ I said from the doorway. They both looked up.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ Sasha asked. ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘I’ve been at Jacob’s.’

  A look passed between them. ‘The landlord’s going mad,’ Sasha said.

  I rolled my eyes. ‘I haven’t even been here most of the time,’ I said, and went to collect some things. I could hear the girls talking in low voices out in the living room, and I got the feeling they were talking about me. I put down my bag and snuck out into the hall, pressing myself against the wall.

  ‘You tell her,’ Kimberley said.

  ‘She’s your friend,’ Sasha said.

  ‘We can’t just ask her to go.’

  ‘She’s hardly here, anyway.’

  ‘I know, but...’

  ‘So, we’ll just say he’s going to stay for a while, on the sofa, if he has to. And he’ll chip in with the bills,’ Sasha said. ‘Which is more than she’s doing.’

  ‘I hate them,’ I said through my tears, wiping my nose with the back of my hand and pouring more tepid wine into my glass. Jacob sat there watching me but didn’t speak, just let me rant. ‘Anything could’ve happened to me and they don’t even care, all they care about is getting money off me. And they’re always talking behind my back. They think I don’t know. And I think they’ve been in my room again. They just take all my things and treat me like shit. I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t want to be there anymore.’

  ‘So, don’t go back,’ Jacob said, and I looked up.

  ‘It’s not as easy as that, Jacob.’

  ‘It is,’ he said.

  ‘I’ve got a crappy job,’ I said. ‘I can’t afford to move, certainly not somewhere by myself.’

  ‘So, live here,’ he said, and I looked up, eyes wide.

  ‘I can’t,’ I said.

  ‘Why not? You’re always over here. There’s loads of room. And you wouldn’t have to pay rent anymore. I don’t pay anything, just bills. Here,’ he said, and went out into the hallway, returning with something in his hand.

  ‘A key?’ I said, and he nodded.

  ‘Now you can come and go whenever you like. And you can stay forever,’ he said, and leaned over and kissed me. I hugged him tight and said thank you over and over. ‘You’re welcome,’ he said and pulled back, brushing my hair from my eyes. And then, he kissed me, his tongue searching around my mouth as if he’d lost something. I wanted to stop him, say, ‘I’ve got my period, remember,’ but at that moment, I didn’t feel ill at the thought, it even – almost – felt right. Or maybe it just felt necessary to keep up the charade. Either way, I let him continue.

  As he ran his hands over my breasts, kneading them rather than caressing, I let my mind wander. Maybe I should’ve just made it clear from the start that this was a friendship, nothing more. I bet he still would’ve let me stay. But it was too late for that now. I’d made my bed, and now he was unzipping my jeans.

  I let him fuck me, right there on the settee. It didn’t last long, thankfully, and wasn’t as bad as expected. He looked so pleased when he was done and asked me if I liked it. ‘Yes,’ I said, and excused myself to the bathroom, scrubbing myself until I felt almost clean.

  Jacob was still smiling when I went back down. He looked like the cat who’d got the cream. But I knew it was the first and last time it was going to happen. I had a key now.

  40

  It’d been weeks since I moved into the house, and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I’d barely let Jacob touch me since he invited me to stay, the excuses came thick and fast, more often than not about my mum who always gave me an out if I needed some time alone. I was suddenly finding myself at Mum’s bedside more than ever, especially as she was now in the home and the visiting hours were less strict.

  It seemed like everything concerning Mum was now out of my hands. The powers that be made the decisions, and what they decided was that Mum needed full-time care, care that I couldn’t provide. Suddenly, everything that’d happened before her stroke was considered important; her state of mind, the fact I thought I was unable to provide care. So they decided on a place and informed me that to pay for such good care, the house would have to be sold, and there was nothing I could do about it. I often wondered if Mum was aware of what was happening, even if she couldn’t communicate much of anything, and if she blamed me for letting them do it to her.

  But there was nothing I could do now. Besides, now, I had bigger problems.

  Before I’d moved in things were fine, I could cope with sitting there night after night watching stupid films and drinking too much. And I’d made some changes too. I’d cleaned the fridge, throwing away all the disgustin
g things that’d been festering there for God knows how long. I bought proper food, things humans eat. I scrubbed everywhere from top to bottom, let air in, made it habitable. I was an unpaid cleaner, really. I also convinced Jacob it would be a good idea to start sorting through his mum’s things that were cluttering the place up. I had plans for that room.

  I still hadn’t managed to get Jacob off his arse and into a job, though, and maybe that was what bothered me the most; that he was there all the time, that he was so needy, so dependent on me. In a lot of ways, I’d become his surrogate mother and though that was preferable to the other option, it was driving me slowly mad.

  ‘Why are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?’ became a frequent question, along with, ‘Can you please tidy up a bit while I’m at work,’ and ‘Can we do it tomorrow, I have a headache?’

  Even though we weren’t having sex, it was on my mind all the time. I could tell Jacob wanted to, and again, I wondered if he’d ever had a girlfriend before or if this was all new to him. He’d sit staring at me while I was trying to watch TV or he’d come in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth. Where anyone normal would come up and put their arms around me, press their face to my neck, their body to mine, Jacob would just stand there and watch, and when I finally turned around, he would reach for my breasts like a baby needing milk. I’d try to smile and walk away, leaving him to brush his teeth – something else I’d had to train him to do every day – getting into bed and praying for sleep.

  He often spent the first few minutes after we turned off the light edging closer and closer to me, maybe hoping I wouldn’t notice if he was stealthy, but eventually, he’d be up against me, rubbing himself, and I’d lie there, ignoring him, hoping he’d quickly finish and go to sleep.

  Some nights made me so uncomfortable that after work the following day, I’d be reluctant to go home, wandering around trying to kill time. I hadn’t been back to the flat for a while, and when I did, my visits were fleeting. I never told the girls I’d overheard their conversation, that I knew they were plotting against me. If I mentioned it, they’d overreact and blame me for eavesdropping. I never saw the man they’d been talking about getting in to replace me, but I noticed traces of him; a pair of trainers here, an extra mug on the drainer there. I wondered if they’d let him sleep in my bed while I wasn’t there, but I couldn’t find any proof, so I decided not to mention anything. Besides, I didn’t want to burn my bridges with the girls in case things didn’t work out with Jacob. I hadn’t told them I was planning to go for good, but I figured if things went to plan they’d realise sooner or later.

  I visited Mum a lot, of course, but visiting hours only lasted so long, and it was hard work sitting there all night, talking to myself for hours. Sometimes, I’d take a book with me and just sit in the foyer outside, killing time before I could face another visit.

  Once, I even got the bus home, getting off a stop early and sat in the bus shelter for almost two hours, reading a book by the dim neon of the streetlight. In the end, I got tired of people asking if I wanted this bus or that bus, so started ignoring them, and finally, it got past eleven, and there were no more buses anymore, but I still sat there, my resentment for Jacob simmering.

  When I finally walked home, I could see the light on in the living room through a crack in the curtain and decided to walk around the block a few times instead of going inside. After a few goes round, I knew it was useless and that Jacob would never go to bed without me, that I was stuck with him. I unlocked the door and went inside, going straight to the kitchen rather than saying hello. I resented the fact he made me lurk outside my own home because I was afraid to go inside, afraid of what he would want from me.

  ‘I was worried,’ he said.

  I’d heard him come into the room behind me, but I kept my back to him, drinking water and refilling the glass from the tap before finally looking at him.

  ‘Why?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s almost midnight. Where’ve you been?’

  ‘I’m a grown up, Jacob. I don’t need to tell you every little thing.’

  ‘But–’

  ‘But what?’ I said, itching for a fight. ‘It can’t be like this if we’re going to keep living together.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘You checking up on me all the time, wanting to know every last thing. I can’t stand it, you’re suffocating me,’ I said.

  ‘I was just asking–’

  ‘Exactly. Always asking, always needing to know. It’s too much, Jacob,’ I said. ‘I have a life outside of these walls, you know. I have my mum, I have work. I have friends. It’s not all about you.’

  Jacob looked hurt, but I didn’t care. I was being smothered by him, but he was too stupid to see it.

  ‘Have you got another boyfriend?’ he asked, and I wanted to say, ‘Another?’ but instead, I slammed the glass down on the worktop.

  ‘How could you ask me that?’

  He shrugged. ‘You seem different,’ he said.

  ‘I’m just tired,’ I said. ‘Tired of work, tired of seeing Mum like that. And you don’t make things easier for me. I mean, look at the state of this place again. You promised you’d clean up. What do you even do all day, apart from play with those bloody trains? I have so much on my plate, and you do nothing. You have no responsibilities, nothing to do, no one to see. You’re driving me insane.’ I stormed past him and ran up the stairs to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

  ‘Polly,’ he said as he tapped on the door. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I will.’

  I didn’t speak for a while, but when I finally came out, he was sitting at the top of the stairs, scratching at his arm like he did when he was nervous.

  ‘I’m tired,’ I said. ‘I just want to go to bed.’

  ‘All right,’ he said and stood up. I put my hand out and stopped him as he came towards me.

  ‘I think maybe you should sleep in the other room tonight.’

  Jacob looked puzzled and then over his shoulder at his mum’s bedroom. ‘In there?’

  I nodded. ‘Just for tonight.’ I put my hand on his cheek to let him know it was all right and then went into the bedroom and closed the door. I got into bed and spread my legs out, relishing the space, the freedom of being alone. But I could smell him on the sheets, so I got up again and changed the bedding before getting back in and sleeping better than I had in a long time.

  When I got up the next day, Jacob was asleep on the settee, the TV still playing in the corner. I left him where he was and made some breakfast, eating it in the kitchen, guessing he wouldn’t wake up if I was quiet. But I guessed wrong. He came into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes before scratching his balls. ‘What time is it?’ he asked, and I put the rest of my toast in the bin and started gathering my things.

  ‘Time to go to work,’ I said. ‘For some of us, anyway.’

  Jacob didn’t respond to this, it was obviously too subtle. I pulled my coat on and made sure I had my keys. He just stood watching, and for a moment he looked like a child, that poor, bullied kid from school.

  ‘You slept on the settee,’ I said. ‘Were you watching something on TV?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I just can’t sleep in Mum’s room.’

  ‘Why not?’ He looked away, his eyes darting about, his nose twitching. ‘She wouldn’t let you?’

  He shook his head. ‘She died in there.’

  I walked over to him and touched his face, hugged him tightly. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. He just shrugged again, and I picked up my bag that’d slipped down my arm. ‘I’d better get going,’ I said, and he nodded and watched me leave, waving from the door like my gran used to do, just kept on waving until she couldn’t see me anymore.

  As I sat on the bus, I started wondering if things had got out of hand, if it was time to put a stop to it. I couldn’t pretend any more, I couldn’t fake being Jacob’s girlfriend. I couldn’t bear him touching me, couldn’t take his company for longer than a few minutes at a time. How
was this ever going to work?

  I thought about leaving, just walking away and not going back. There was nothing there that I couldn’t live without, really, most of my things were still at the flat. I knew the girls would welcome me back as soon as this misunderstanding with the rent was sorted. They needed me there. Was this new guy going to cook for them? Give them advice? Provide them with tampons because they’d forgotten to buy them again? I doubted it.

  But the flat. The girls. I’d be going backwards. I’d worked so hard to get where I was, to move on and make life better for myself.

  I got off the bus and walked the short distance to work. I knew I had to make a choice. I really didn’t want to go back to the flat. My only option was going to Jacob’s. But I was starting to hate him, and we were making each other miserable. It might’ve been a big house, but there wasn’t enough room for the two of us. One of us had to go.

  And as I got to the office and climbed the stairs, I realised it wasn’t going to be me.

  41

  All day at work, my mind was somewhere else, trying to think of the best way to get what I wanted, the things I could do to drive Jacob away. I wondered how I could manipulate him, how easy it would be. I thought of a few ways to push him out but maybe they would just make him hate me, that he’d just throw me out instead of making him want to leave. I needed to be more imaginative.

  At lunch, I started making a list and figured it would take some time. I didn’t know if I could wait that long, but I was going to have to suck it up. You don’t get anything for free or without working for it. And this was no different. It would be hard, but it would be worth it.

  I started things that night. I went home straight from work, and Jacob was there at the door waiting, annoying me already. He was grinning, desperate for me to go inside. And when I went in, I knew he was going to make this hard for me.