Primal Nature

by Monique Singleton

  ‘So how do I position myself?’ Dulce was all attention. ‘How am I supposed to sit?’ Alex motioned her to sit on the cat’s back, a little over half way down. She lifted her right leg and straddled the enormous cat. Carefully she lowered herself until she sat on its broad back. It felt so strange. She was very nervous. The cat noticed and once again began its rhythmic deep purring. She took this as a good sign and placed her hands on the massive shoulders. ‘Like this?’

  Alex nodded. ‘We discussed the possibilities last night. We think it would be best if you lay down on her back, yes like that, and hold on with your hands behind her front legs and brace your feet before her back legs.’ Dulce followed his directions. She couldn’t get a grip with her feet, so she took off her shoes and socks. Bare footed she was able to find a more comfortable way of positioning het feet. She didn’t dare to hold on too tight, fearful that she would hurt Tonal. But so far there was no other reaction than the constant purring. It soothed her. Her face was pressed to the warm fur near the cat’s shoulder, the rumbling of the purring continuing into her body.

  ‘You comfortable Sis?’ Alex asked.

  ‘Yep, feeling good, bring it on.’ Dulce was a good equestrian, having ridden horses from an early age. How different could this be? Tonal stood up in one easy and flowing motion, almost dislodging Dulce, who immediately tightened her grip both with her hands and her feet. Still no reaction from Tonal, so she decided to keep the tight grip. Slowly the cat moved, step by step. Dulce was so tense that she almost fell off twice.

  ‘Relax Sis.’ Alex cautioned her.

  ‘Yeah right’ she answered. ‘Relax, like I do this every day.’

  Laughing, her brother added ‘close your eyes, just listen to her heartbeat, let her do everything. Just trust her.’ She looked at him incredulously. ‘No really, close your eyes.’ Reluctantly she complied. The cat continued to move around. ‘Concentrate on her heart beat, on the purring, forget everything else.’

  She concentrated on the soothing sound of the purring and the big cat’s heartbeat. The sound was loud, almost overwhelming. It quickly blocked out all other noises. With her eyes closed tightly she found she could shut the world out of all of her senses. She concentrated harder and slowly—very slowly— she felt her muscles relaxing and started moving totally in sync with the movements of her unnatural steed. Tonal felt the tension ease. She continued to keep up the same slow tempo. When she was certain that Dulce felt comfortable enough, she quickened her pace. The tension returned slightly but was gone again quickly as Dulce adapted.

  They continued to practice for another half hour, with Tonal changing her speed at intervals. She stopped and lowered herself down to the ground. Reluctantly Dulce sat upright. She was so relaxed and hesitant to break the soothing contact. The ride had been so intense, so much more than she had expected.

  ‘That was great.’ Alex broke the silence. ‘Great for the first try. Looked like you got into the rhythm quickly.’ He had mixed feelings. On the one hand he was happy that things were going so well, and that Dulce had taken to riding Tonal so easily, on the other hand, he was jealous. Jealous of the close contact that Dulce had with Tonal. Jealous of the absolute look of awe that shone in his sister’s eyes. His feelings for Tonal hadn’t diminished over the years they had been apart. And being in such close contact again only served to rekindle the fire of his youth.

  ‘It was unbelievable.’ Dulce exclaimed. The cat almost nodded.

  ‘This is just the beginning though, Tonal will have to move much faster, scale the wall and jump down to the other side. More practice is in order.’

  Taking control of his conflicting emotions Alex got down to business—the best way to mask his internal turmoil. ‘But first, let’s eat.’ He produced some bread and a piece of cheese from his backpack, Dulce retrieved a bottle of water from hers. Tonal stood up and strode into the jungle to get her own lunch.

  Alex and Dulce went over the plan for the assassination again. For Dulce it had taken on a whole new dimension. She was no longer resigned to her death that had previously seemed inevitable. Now the whole mission had taken on a new sense of adventure. She found that she trusted Tonal without restraint. She was certain that they would both escape and live to continue their work for the resistance.

  Tonal stayed away for about an hour and returned around two o’clock in the afternoon, leaving at least another four hours of light in which to practice. The two humans had made use of her absence and set op the small tent they would use for their stay. They had decided not to rush things and stay at least another day.

  They practiced long into the afternoon and early evening. Dulce was at first apprehensive, sometimes even frightened at the antics the huge cat performed jumping up and down the small cliff. But slowly she got used to the motions and learned to relax. The situation was mutual. Tonal had to adjust her balance to take the movements and weight of her rider into consideration. Jumps that were usually so simple posed a problem at the start. Her balance was totally out of synch. She herself was too tense, and the unexpected shifts in Dulce’s weight unbalanced her. She almost jumped into the cliff wall the first time they tried. But as time passed, both she and Dulce relaxed and started to move as one. Dulce surrendered to her and followed every movement. Tonal hardly noticed her presence anymore by the time the sun had set.

  Alex had started a fire and was cooking a stew of some dried meat and vegetables when Tonal walked over to the tent. She stood still and allowed Dulce to dismount. The solid earth under her feet felt strange to Dulce, as did the lack of motion. She sat down next to the fire and was dismayed to see the big cat move off into the jungle again. ‘Will she change back again today?’ She asked her brother.

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t think so’ he answered. ‘The change costs a lot of energy and seeing as we will be practicing again tomorrow there is no use. Besides I think she enjoys this form too much and wants to stay like this a long as possible.’

  ‘Why has she gone off in to the jungle?’ Now this was the old Dulce again. All questions. ‘To catch something to eat probably, like I said it takes a lot of energy, and she needs to replenish it.’ As if on cue, they heard a commotion in the jungle off to the left of the clearing, followed by a mighty roar.

  ‘Sounds like she found something edible.’ Alex concluded. ‘I’m still not happy about you going into the fortress with her, but seeing you work together at least soothes the anxiety a bit. At the end you looked like one being. You moved totally in sync with her.’

  ‘I followed your advice.’ his sister answered. ‘Relaxed and listened to her heartbeat. After a while it all seemed so natural, however strange that may sound.’

  They ate in silence, Dulce listening to the jungle, hoping that Tonal would come back. Now she finally understood the significance of the name that her father had given this strange woman. In old Mayan legends Tonal was a protector who could take animal form, more specifically that of a jaguar. This was definitely no jaguar, much too big and powerful even for the majestic South American predator. But the analogy was obvious and fitting.

  ‘What’s her real name?’ she asked Alex. He had been his father’s right hand and confidant. If anyone, he would have been privy to that information.

  ‘I don’t know.’ He surprised her with his answer. ‘Even papa didn’t know I don’t think. She has always been Tonal to all of us. Now that you mention it—it is strange.’

  ‘Will she come back to the camp tonight now that she has eaten?’

  ‘Probably not, but she will be watching over us, so get some sleep, we’ll get an early start tomorrow. I have to be back in the compound before sunset.’

  They retired to the tent. Dulce crept into her sleeping bag and listened to the sounds of the jungle. She almost pinched herself—it was all too hard to believe that this had happened today. She found that she was exhausted and quickly drifted off into a sound sleep, confident in the protection of the biggest and most powerful being she had ever
seen.

  Alex lay next to her and heard her breathing slow down as she slept. The turmoil had subsided a bit, but he missed Tonal. Wished that she were here in the tent with him instead of his sister. An hour later he too fell asleep. The rhythmic breathing and occasional snoring of its residents was the only sound that emanated from the tent.

  Tonal softly padded over to the tent and lay down near the dying fire opposite the opening. She would watch over them, as she had heard Alex say. They were in her world, they were her responsibility. And they were also her friends.

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  The sunlight woke Dulce. She had dreamt a lot in the night and was unsure about what had been a dream and what had actually happened. She lay awake in the sleeping bag until her curiosity got the better of her and she couldn’t wait to see if the whole practice had been a figment of her imagination. She was rewarded by the sight of the giant cat apparently sleeping on the other side of what had been the fire. When she stood up out of the small tent opening it became apparent that Tonal was not asleep. She raised her head and purred a soft welcome.

  ‘Hi Tonal.’ Dulce answered, feeling strange at calling this magnificent creature by her friend’s name. She walked over to the cat and sat down next to her, leaning against the soft warmth. The jungle cooled off at night this time of the year and Dulce was grateful for the heat emanating from her friend. The big cat purred again, so she took this as a good sign and that she didn’t mind the close contact.

  ‘I thought it was all a dream’ she whispered. ‘Glad it isn’t though.’ They sat like that for a while until it became apparent that Alex had woken too. He stumbled around in the tent, trying to dress in the small confined space. He knocked the pole over and had to rummage around to put it back in place and lift the tent material off his head, much to the amusement of his sister, who laughed out loud.

  Finally, accompanied by swears and mumbles, Alex exited the tent. His head was bright red from the exertion added with a bit of shame. He pestered his sister so often, now it was his turn to be on the receiving end. ‘Charming Alex.’ she rubbed in the salt. ‘Really charming, and so graceful.’

  ‘Can it.’ was all he could think of to reply. This naturally only spurred her on and she creased over laughing. Even Tonal seemed to join in the merriment. Disgusted, Alex wandered off in to the trees to relieve himself. Leaving Dulce to her laughs.

  When he returned she had regained her composure, even if she almost relapsed when she saw his face. They rekindled the fire and positioned the tin of water to boil for coffee. The sun had risen above the bushes and started to warm the clearing and its occupants. It was welcome, the night had been cold, and they had travelled light, not adding any extra blankets to their packs. They warmed over breakfast. After clearing up, they continued their practice. Dulce was ecstatic that she could indulge in the close contact and adventure again.

  Near noon, they had perfected the jumps, turns and runs. They moved as one. Tonal hardly notice the extra weight of the petit woman astride her back. Both of their confidence levels were at a premium. During the last half hour, Alex had left them to their antics and started to fold up the tent and clear their camp. The remnants of the fire were scattered, and all signs of their stay were removed from sight.

  When Tonal finally padded over to him he had finished tidying up and was ready to go. Tonal’s clothes were lying on a pile, ready for her when she needed them. They had agreed that she would change back to her human form for the return trip. Positioning the backpack on the cat would be problematic, and as it was the heaviest it was no option to distribute the weight over the siblings. Dulce dismounted and walked over to her brother. Turning to Tonal she watched while the change was reversed, and the mighty cat once again became the familiar form of her friend. The change was quick, one fluid motion. Dulce understood that the first change had been prolonged for her benefit.

  Dressing quickly Tonal joined her friends. They shouldered their backpacks and turned to leave the clearing.

  ‘Thank you Tonal.’ Dulce finally managed to say. ‘That was fantastic.’

  Her friend smiled ‘You’re welcome, besides we needed to try out whether it would work.’ They walked single file over the small jungle track, back to the compound and real life.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

  Dulce stayed even closer to me after that. Being party to the secret and having been so close to me had fascinated her.

  She bombarded me with questions.

  How did I do that? What did it feel like? Did I ever want to stay like that?

  And then the final question—could she do it?

  Funny how everyone needs to know if it’s contagious, how they could gain this fantastic talent. I knew though that with her, it didn’t stem from jealousy, just curiosity. I answered as well as I could. I explained that I didn’t know, that it wasn’t something I could hand over to someone else. It had just happened to me, no specific reason. And no, it wasn’t contagious.

  I tried to explain that it also had its drawbacks.

  She listened and nodded, but I could see that she was too fascinated with what she perceived as the pro’s, to even contemplate that there might be anything close to a con.

  ‘Does your everlasting youth have anything to do with it all?’ she asked me one day when we were walking patrol.

  ‘I think so.’

  She digested that.

  ‘Seems like a great idea.’ She said. ‘On the surface.’ I was curious what she would add. ‘I mean, eternal youth, no crow’s feet, keeping the figure. Must be a dream.’ She was pensive. ‘But if you’re the only one, I would imagine it has a lot of drawbacks too.’

  She was clever this one. Had thought it through after all.

  ‘I mean, what about your family? You must have outlived them all by now.’ She looked at me apprehensively, careful not to hurt my feelings. ‘Do you have any family?’

  I shook my head. No, not that I knew of. They were all long gone. Not having had any children myself, I’d not really counted time as others did. I didn’t age and had hardly anyone to measure time by. Life as a hermit had its perks. But she was right. There were major drawbacks. Very perceptive of her.

  ‘I don’t think I could live with that, seeing all my family and friends grow old and die. Being the only one left. I don’t think I could do it. Wouldn’t want to make ties.’

  She looked at me. I nodded. She had hit the nail on the head. Long-term relationships had a different meaning for me than for other people. They would never be long enough. After I had buried my husband so many years ago, I had decided that I would not get involved with a man anymore. It simply just hurt too much. The ageing, the loss, but also the jealousy that I lived on and they didn’t. They got aches and pains, I stayed the same.

  ‘Is there anyone in your life now?’ she asked carefully, anxious not to pry, but curious anyway.

  I shook my head. ‘No, no one.’ We were silent for a while.

  ‘You know that Alex is madly in love with you, don’t you?’ She asked softly. Looking at me from the corner of her eye, gauging my reaction.

  ‘Yes.’ I replied after a while. It was out in the open—still it sounded strange.

  ‘And you?’ Now that was a question that I didn’t want to answer. Not to her, and not to me.

  ‘I care deeply for him.’ I answered cowardly.

  ‘But you don’t love him?’

  ‘Not like that, no.’

  She surprised me with her next question; ‘why not?’ That stopped me in my tracks.

  ‘Why not?’ I was stunned.

  It was not something I had let myself think about.

  It was so automatic. I didn’t fall in love. I didn’t get involved.

  Well I was involved here up to my neck.

  So why didn’t I let this happen. God knows, I yearned for the closeness that Alex gave me. But the inevitable pain lay somewhere in the future—losing him as well. Like all the other people I had known, had loved.

&
nbsp; Could I do that again, go through the pain of the loss, the loneliness?

  Could I sacrifice my peace of mind for love?

  Could I afford not to?

  Dulce seemed to sense my indecision and my struggle and left it at that.

  But it gave me something to think about.

  Later that night I went into the jungle. I changed and roamed the area. Looking for some contentment and peace of mind. But it eluded me. The questions that had been at the back of my mind were out in the open. What would I do with Alex? With his love? With my own feelings?

  He definitely had an impact on me. The ease with which he sat next to me, held my hand, pulled me close, cuddled up without a thought. It felt so natural. Why was I resisting this? And what were my feelings?

  I really cared for Alex. If truth be told, I think I actually loved him. In more than a brother-sisterly way. He was attractive, that was clear. He was my type of man. And sensitive, loving, a good friend. Whatever I was, I was a woman, with physical and emotional needs. I wanted someone to love me, someone to love myself.

  But what about the longevity thing?

  What about the loss that I would ultimately experience?

  What about the jealousy and the hate that was bound to slip into the relationship in time?

  Was it worth it?

  Was I being fair to Alex and myself to restrain the feelings, to avoid the love? To deprive myself of a real relationship?

  Wasn’t twenty-five years of love better than hundreds of years of loneliness?

  I needed to think this through.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO

  The progress was good. Jesus was happy with the way the missions were executed. Early on he had seen the difference Tonal could make to the revolution. Not only with her “special talents”, but also because she looked different from the rest. Her beauty and especially her strange coloured eyes were a man-magnet. He employed this to the advantage of the cause. She was not alone in this kind of mission. There were many more beautiful women in the resistance. They also led the targets into ambushes. But when they needed the big guns, the more exotic, Jesus called on her.