by KL Donn
Carla lets out a little growl as she opens the door, and I realize what’s about to happen when she sees Hope standing there with takeout bags.
“Carla,” I hiss her name in warning.
“Oh, sweetie, you ordered dinner. How thoughtful.” Grabbing the bags from Hope’s hands as I’m taking giant steps to get to her, Carla shocks me as she grabs my shirt and plants a kiss on my lips while slamming the door in Hope’s disappointed face.
I shove Carla away, not caring when she stumbles, nearly falling. “You fucking bitch. You ever come near me again, and I’ll arrest you for harassment and whatever else I can think of. Get the fuck out!”
Her face pales as she drops the food on the floor and rushes to her car, speeding away like a bat out of hell.
Scrubbing a rough hand down my face, I take a few calming breaths before rushing to Hope’s door, already knowing she’s not going to answer me.
Hope
“You ready, Hope?” Dr. Marley Valentine’s excited voice as she places the ultrasound wand on my belly has me nodding my head. Today is a day I’ve been excited about since finding out I was pregnant. Learning the sex of the baby is far more emotional than I expected.
“Yeah.” I share her smile. I’ve seen Dr. Valentine three times since Leslie and Miles passed because sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. She spent a lot of time learning about my condition and the circumstances of the pregnancy before we even met at the recommendation from my previous OB/GYN.
“Heartbeat is strong. Everything looks wonderful. Growth is perfect. You’re doing a wonderful job.” She takes picture after picture, pointing out the baby’s body parts and tracing the spine.
I don’t know how, but I fall so deeply in love with this baby in that moment that I begin to cry.
“Hey, what’s this? Peanut is great; you’re perfect. Everything is just as it should be.”
“Except it's without Leslie and Miles,” I whisper, and her face softens. Compassion, maybe? Or pity. I get a lot of pity from people.
“I didn’t know them, but I know they would be proud and grateful. Hold onto that.” I nod my head because she’s right. “Now, I know the sex. Are you ready to hear it?”
Closing my eyes, I take a few seconds to gather myself before she reveals it. “I’m ready.”
As she hands me a tissue, a considerable grin crosses her face. “You’re going to be the proud mother of a little girl.” Stunned, I have no idea what to say or do. My heart is full of happiness, and I really wish I’d asked Luca to come to this appointment with me.
An image of Reed flicks across my eyes before I can stop it, and I have to shake my head.
“A little girl,” I murmur, reaching a hand to touch the screen where I see her moving slightly.
“Do you want pictures?” I immediately nod, and the doctor hits a button. “I’ll give you a couple of minutes to get dressed and then meet you out front with them.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
As she closes the door, I sit up and hold my hands to my burgeoning belly. I’m having a girl. I can only imagine the excitement Leslie and Miles would have felt. They would have been happy with either, so long as the baby was healthy.
“I wish they could have gotten to meet you, sweet pea.” She moves at my words, and I like to think she recognizes my voice. I talk to her enough.
After getting dressed, I text Luca to tease him about knowing the sex. I know he’s on a bounty and won’t answer me for a while, but I hope he’ll be happy too.
Gathering the sonogram photos and pamphlets for some single parent groups, I head out to my car then stop off for the Chinese food I promised Reed in exchange for him building the shelf I didn’t really need but have now decided to put in the baby’s room. I also decide that I must tell him about the baby.
I can’t in good conscience continue on with him until he knows. I’m certain he’ll decide I’m not worth the trouble, and that’s okay. Not many men would sign on for a child that isn’t theirs, let alone one that isn’t the mother’s either. It’s a complicated situation, and for both of our sakes, he needs to know.
I’m pulling into my driveway a few minutes later and see a car parked in front of Reed’s side of the house. I hesitate for a minute before making my presence known, just in case he has company. Then deciding that he knows I'm coming, I knock on the door. I can let him know I have the food, and if he needs to cancel, that's fine.
I can hear Reed’s angry voice inside, followed by the door opening. A woman greets me, and I push back the emotion crawling up my throat.
“Carla,” I hear Reed growl out as he storms closer.
When she grabs the bags from my hands and purrs, “Oh, sweetie, you ordered dinner. How thoughtful.” I feel sick at the use of a pet name.
Something flickers across Reed’s face as he reaches us, but the woman pulls him down for a passionate kiss as she slams the door in my face.
I feel…
Cold.
Like I’ve been sucker-punched.
Turning on my heel, I slowly walk back to my house and quickly unlock the door. Quietly closing it behind me, I triple lock it and shed my coat.
Shivering, I head upstairs, stripping my clothes off as I go, intent on having a hot shower.
My emotions are on overload, and panic is sluggishly creeping in as the water begins to run just as soon as I hear Reed pounding on the door and calling my name.
Ignoring him, I need to focus on me.
Five minutes ago, I felt nothing but happiness and excitement. Even having decided to tell Reed about the baby, I didn’t feel like I do right now.
The worst part is not always understanding what I feel.
I know happiness because I was taught about it. It’s one of the most common emotions. Anger and panic go hand in hand in my life, and I can sometimes identify them after they’ve consumed me. Excitement, though? It’s so new for me, and now that I’m finally able to experience it without question, it’s been quickly extinguished by this crushing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
But this? Right now? What I feel inside my soul. That cramps my heart and makes it hard to breathe?
What is this?
I don’t want this. I never want to feel it again.
4
Reed
My eyes burn as I chug the coffee Colby forced into my hands while he barks orders at the crime scene we’re currently working. A break and enter that could have turned out much worse. The family wasn’t home, thankfully. However, their house was gutted and destroyed. Someone was looking for something quite specific.
I spent most of the previous night sitting on Hope’s porch, waiting, hoping she would have mercy on me. But she never opened her door. Didn’t answer my calls, and I filled up her voicemail. She didn’t reply to any of my texts either.
As I was leaving, her brother Luca arrived with a scowl on his face, so I get the feeling he knows how badly I screwed up.
“You’re scaring the techs, man.” Colby nudges me with his elbow, and I see some of the crime scene techs shooting worried looks my way.
“I’m gonna take a walk,” I tell him and exit out the door.
After hours of cataloging their missing items from the house, the family is back at the station giving a statement. There isn’t much more that can be done here. Patrol officers are canvassing the neighborhood. Talking to residents. And if they find someone who might have seen or known something, they’ll call me, and then it’s a whole new set of interviews to conduct.
All I can do right now is think about how horrifically I've fucked up with Hope. I’m not like my brother Theo, secure in knowing for so long who his wife would eventually be. I never really looked for that forever kind of love. I have contemplated it but never actively searched for the right girl.
Then she moved in next door, and from the second she smiled at me, I knew she was going to be mine. If only I could stop screwing up long enough to convince her of
that.
“Hey, techs are almost finished. Let’s go talk to the family again. The teenage son was a little skittish when we spoke to him.” Colby shares his suspicions after coming down the front steps.
“You noticed that, too, huh?” The boy couldn’t hold eye contact, and when we asked what he was missing from his room, he simply shrugged and brushed us off. “What do you wanna bet, he had some friends do it while they were all out?”
“Yup. Drugs or women?”
“Probably both,” I reply as we hop in our squad car. Colby drives us back in silence until we’re about a block away from the station.
“You want to share what’s going on with you today? You’ve never been so indifferent.” His observation is correct. I would have called the kid out on his odd behavior any other day.
Carla is all I have to say for him to understand.
“What the fuck did she do?”
Shaking my head, I close my eyes and slam my head against the seat rest before answering him. “Showed up at my place last night. Hope came over with dinner, and the bitch kissed me while slamming the door in her face.”
“Shit, man. Seriously?” I nod. “How are you going to fix it?”
“I have no fucking idea. I spent all night on her doorstep. She isn’t answering my calls or texts. I’m not even sure what I can do at this point.” Blowing out a breath, I wait for his response.
“It’s barely been a day. Give her a bit of space and try again tomorrow with flowers and chocolate. Works with Till.”
“Hope’s not like that, man. If I give her a day, she’ll say fuck me and carry on with her life. I can’t risk that, and I don’t think she wants me to. There’s something about her that’s off. Different. Like one minute we’re laughing and talking, and then there’s this silence, and she’s hesitant to do anything. Hell, the first time I spoke to her, I made her cry because I said she hurt my feelings, and she thought I was serious.”
“Like she doesn’t know when you’re playing with her?”
I ponder his question. “Yeah. Sometimes it seems as though she's confused by what emotion my reactions are, and so she becomes timid. Is that even a thing?”
“I think so?”
We share a laugh, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. She always asks for confirmation about plans, giving me a way out. And when she thought she truly hurt my feelings by calling me rude that first day, it would make sense. I’m going to have to look more into it.
The rest of the day is filled with individual interviews with the family. And the son finally cracks and rats out who broke in—he owes drug dealers money and offered to pay his friends to do the dirty deed. That family has a long road of recovery ahead of them.
After clocking out earlier than expected, needing to try and fix things with Hope, I stop for flowers and dinner from the MShack she loves so much and hope to hell she opens the door for me when I knock.
As I approach our duplex, I see her brother sitting on my porch, waiting for me. That’s likely a no on her opening the door for me now.
Fuck.
“I warned you, man.” He points aggressively towards me as I get out of my truck. “What did I say? I said, don’t break her heart. She doesn’t have any more room in her life for an asshole like you, who can’t even spend a week with her before you fuck shit up.”
“You done?” For as big as Luca is, he doesn’t intimidate me. Theo and his special ops guys are bigger and badder. Especially Nix. That guy could crush any of us with his bare hands.
Standing face to face, I see the curtain in Hope’s window slide to the side, and when she sees me staring, she quickly let’s go.
“No, I’m not fucking done. Stay the fuck away from her. My sister deserves better than you or any other asshole.” He seems to deflate when I don’t share in his anger.
There’s no point in fighting the man. That will only upset Hope even more and push her further away from me. Not my goal. I want her as close as possible. As soon as possible.
“What happened last night shouldn’t have. My ex came by and decided to be a fucking cunt and gave the completely wrong impression to Hope. But you need to back off, so I can explain that to her.”
“Shit. Really?” Luca becomes less hostile now. “Why do they always gotta do that?” I don’t believe his muffled words are for me.
“Beats me. But they sure like to ruin the good things in life.” Stepping around him, I knock on Hope’s door, needing her to answer. After ten minutes of knocking, calling her name, and looking like the world’s biggest fool but not caring, I give up. For now. I won’t ever stop. I just need to figure out the right strategy.
“Will you give this to her?” I hand Luca the flowers, shake, and food. “I just need to know she’s alright.” Luca nods and unlocks the door, spending less than a minute inside before coming back out.
“She said, thank you.” I nod.
“Is there something I need to know about her, Luca?”
“Nothing I’m allowed to say.” I really dislike that answer.
“I could run her name through the system.” I won’t, but I have to know something. “There’s something with the way she reads emotions, right?” His eyes widen at my question, but he doesn’t answer, only confirming my suspicions.
“Give her a day. If you’re serious about her, Reed, don’t stop trying because she needs someone dependable. I can only give her so much.”
Shaking his hand, I feel like I have an ally in the man as I head inside my own house and putter around until exhaustion has me face down in bed.
Hope
I’m weary for so many reasons, in so many ways. My heart continues to cramp whenever I think about Reed, and all I can see is his lips on that woman’s. It’s like a broken movie reel that keeps flicking the same image in my mind, over and over. I can’t make it stop no matter how hard I try.
After staying in the shower until the water turned cold, I was sick on and off all night. I missed Luca’s calls several times. When he showed up this afternoon and saw the pathetic state I was in, still lying in bed, in a damp towel, he nearly called an ambulance.
It took several hours before I confessed what had me so distraught, and he wanted blood. Knowing my brother as well as I do, I could see the rage fuming in his narrowed gaze and the tight lines of his face.
For a while, I was worried about Reed.
Luca took to making me some soup and tea in order to settle himself down. After ensuring I was comfortable, he built the bookshelf without question and asked if I wanted to go shopping for baby furniture. I turned him down because I was just too emotional to handle the crowds.
With a promise to make plans early next week because he has to go out of town for the weekend, he left, only to sit on Reed’s porch and wait for the man to come home.
The second I heard Reed’s truck pull up, I tried to stop myself from looking, but I pulled the curtains back, and his gaze immediately captured mine. The butterflies in my belly exploded, and my heart beat so hard in my chest, I felt it in my ears.
Dropping the curtain back in place, I can’t hear what they’re saying, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. After a few minutes, Luca returns with a beautiful bouquet of colored daisies and a bag from MShack. My mouth instantly begins to water.
“He needs to know you’re alright, Hopeless. The guy is hurting.” I frown, recognizing something in his eyes that makes him feel for Reed when I’m the one heartbroken.
“So am I, Luca.” I look down at the flowers, wanting desperately to tell Reed how pretty they are. But I hold firm and stay where I am. “Tell him I’m fine.”
I lock the door as soon as I hear it close. I need the barrier right now. Settling on the couch with my food, tears spring to the surface when I pull out the large vanilla shake, just like I ordered the other night.
Hitting play on the remote, I watch with keen interest as I eat while the computer-generated tutorial points out the emotions in a pe
rson’s face. I’ve watched these videos for half my life, and still, I routinely misjudge how a person is feeling. I need to believe that if I could just be normal, then I wouldn’t feel how I do now.
Today, I read over and over about breakups, and I’m convinced what I felt last night, and still do today, is heartbreak. Maybe some fear. And loneliness. If what I read about loneliness is true, then that’s my primary emotion, and it makes me sad.
I don’t know why I’m like this. Doctors have always said there are wires crossed in my brain and no way to reverse it. I’ve had to find a way to live with it my entire life; I’ve never resented it as much as I do right now.
I want to be normal.
To fall in love.
To know love when I experience it.
Instead, I suffer through, pretending to be something, someone, I’m not.
5
Reed
Sitting on the porch of my captain’s cabin as I wait for Theo and Lola, I’m reading some mystery paperback that I don’t remember a single detail of. I’m sure I’ve been reading the same page since pulling it out.
All I think about is Hope. The way she watched me leave this evening to come up here. I sent her a text, so she knew where I was, but like all the others, I haven’t gotten a reply. At this point, I have no idea what to do. I’d already decided to leave her alone for the weekend. Maybe I’m being too pushy, maybe I’m not. I honestly have no idea, and I think the situation is unchartered territory for both of us. I do know I’m not giving up, though.
Closing my book as Theo pulls up the drive, I stand and wait for him to shut off the vehicle and wake a sleeping Lola in the front seat. They exchange a few words, and I’m at her door to open it before Theo’s even out of his seat.
“Hey there, pretty lady.” I grin as she blushes. “I’m Reed.”
“Nice to meet you.” Her voice is shy as the soothing atmosphere washes over her.
