by KL Donn
Theo stands beside me as Lola wanders to the sand, burying her toes in the warmth. “You picked a quiet one, big brother.”
“Not always, she’s not.” His voice is soft as he watches the love of his life. I try not to let my envy consume me.
“Yeah, I bet,” I mutter. “Here.” Tossing the keys to Theo as I back away to my vehicle, he catches them. “Fridge is stocked, sheets are clean. Leave those in the back porchlight when you leave.”
“You’re heading out already?” As much as I’d like to stay and visit, they need this time alone.
“Yeah, your girl needs your full attention. This place has a healing quality to it. Use it. Let her soak it in. I’ll be up your way this summer, might even have a girl of my own.” I wink, still hoping for the damn best.
“Looking forward to it.” I’m about to open my door when he calls my name again. “Thanks, Reed, I appreciate this.”
“Anything for family.”
As quickly as Theo appeared, I’m gone, heading home to contemplate all the ways I can make things up to Hope.
The drive is long, the music is loud, the wind whips through my hair as I cruise down the highway when I see a billboard advertisement about love letters. The idea strikes, and suddenly, I know just how to communicate with Hope.
If she doesn’t rip it up first.
Stopping by an office supply store before heading home, I grab what I need. Anticipation buzzes in my veins as I prepare to bare my soul out on paper. The old-fashioned way.
I really hope she’ll read it before chucking it.
As I pull in my driveway, her lights are out, and I know she must be asleep, so I try to be as quiet as possible entering my house, even though we don’t really hear each other anyways.
Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I pop the top off and plop on the sofa before searching Netflix for the sappiest romance movie I can find. Deciding on P.S. I Love You, I hit play and watch. Hoping to get inspired.
From the first letter, my own words flow onto the paper in my lap.
Dear Hope…
Hope
It’s been more than thirty-six hours since I’ve received a phone call or text from Reed. A full twenty-four since he slid an envelope under my door. I still haven’t opened it. I’m almost afraid to.
Will it be a rejection letter?
A love letter?
Something else entirely?
The uncertainty holds me back from opening it.
That and the morning sickness that has plagued me for the last two days. When I haven’t been puking my guts out, I’ve been sleeping. I even told Luca we wouldn’t be shopping this weekend when he came home early and that I needed to be alone.
We’ve messaged a few times, and he keeps on asking me if I’ve spoken to Reed yet. My answer is always the same.
I don’t know how to.
I want to talk to him.
Find out what happened.
The alexithymia restrains me in ways that cuffs, rope, or other binding items can't. Being unable to decipher if we share the same feelings or if I’m some passing ship in the night for him is very difficult.
Though, I don’t get that feeling from Reed. Not with the possessiveness he exhibits around me. But how can I be sure?
He watches me like I’m his whole world, and it’s that behavior that is tempting me to talk to him.
But not until this morning sickness is gone.
Before we can be anything to each other, I have to tell him I’m pregnant. If he wants to stay, then I’ll accept our connection.
If he doesn’t, it’s better we split now.
My phone ringing startles me into dropping the letter on the floor as I see a number I don’t recognize flashing across the screen.
I answer with a tentative, “Hello?”
“Hi, Hope, my name is Lola Bishop. Do you have a moment to talk?” a soft voice says.
“Oh, umm, I guess?” I hesitate because I don’t know who this person is or what she wants.
“You can call me back at your convenience if that's better,” she suggests.
I think about it for a moment, but what if it’s important now? “Now is fine.”
“I’m a friend of Reed Burkhart.” Biting my bottom lip, I have no idea what to say.
Finally, I breathe out an, “Oh.”
“Are you alright? I'm here if you'd like to talk,” she says. I get the feeling she understands pain and might relate.
“No,” I croak out and begin to sob. Lola listens, offering supportive noises, so I know someone is on the other end of the line.
After a minute, I begin spilling everything.
About my alexithymia, which I hardly tell anyone about.
About Leslie and Miles and how much they helped me throughout our friendship. What I’ve done for them.
The baby.
A baby girl.
“You’re having a little girl?” Her voice perks up.
I nod only to realize she can’t see me. “Yes,” I utter.
“Reed has no idea at all?”
“None,” I whisper. “I was going to tell him when everything exploded.”
“He wrote you a letter. Have you read it yet?”
Staring down at the floor where the paper landed, I pick it up. “No, I’ve been afraid to.”
Her tinkling laugh is weirdly reassuring. “Don’t be. If I know anything about these Burkhart men, it’s that they wouldn’t do a thing to hurt a woman they care about. And Hope? Reed cares about you so much. He is physically aching not being able to talk to you.”
I feel the same way. At least I think that’s what this cramping is. “How do I tell him about the baby? Why would he want to stay?”
“Oh, honey, I’m sure he’ll be shocked. He likely won’t know what to say or how to react but do it at a time when you’re comfortable. But please, for both of your sakes, don’t take too long. Each of you need this.”
“Thank you, Lola.” After a quick goodbye and a promise to stay in touch, we hang up, and I finally open Reed’s letter. Immediately, I begin to cry.
Dear Hope,
I could say I’m sorry a thousand times, but it won’t matter nearly as much if you don’t hear me. See the conviction in my eyes as I tell you that what you saw was not what it appeared. Cliché, I know. But true.
From your first smile to your tears, to those silences you think are awkward but give me insight into who you are, I’ve been falling for you.
I want to see you as more than neighbors. More than friends. I want there to be an us, Hope.
I’ve never been more emotionally and physically attracted to a woman than I am you. The second our eyes connected a week ago, I’ve been addicted to you.
From the second you let me kiss you, I’ve been obsessed.
I won’t let you push me away, even though that’s what you’ve been trying to do since the first day. I’m certain you’re supposed to be mine, Hope. And I’m just as certain, I’m already yours.
Please, give me a chance. Allow me to show you that we’re meant to be.
Always your possessed neighbor,
Reed.
Placing the letter to my chest, I lean back into the couch and soak up the feelings I read pouring off the page from him.
Picking up my phone, I send him a short text.
Me: Thank you for your letter. It means a lot to me.
And I finish it with a small purple heart.
It’s seconds before he responds to me.
Reed: Lunch tomorrow? Please?
Me: Yes. I have a massage appointment at ten. MShack at noon?
Reed: Wouldn’t miss it.
He adds his own blue heart, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I won’t tell him about the baby at lunch, but I could invite him to dinner and fill him in then.
6
Reed
I stared at my phone for hours last night before falling asleep. Reading Hope’s short messages to me, waiting for her to send
another. Wanting to send her more. Nothing happened though, and more than ever, I wish I could have been by her side.
As I sit at my desk, waiting for the hour hand to turn, needing to see her for lunch, I’ve never had such an excruciatingly slow day before.
“Time moves slower if you watch it.” Colby tosses a balled-up piece of paper at me. I barely catch it before it hits my face.
“Just need to see her is all.” I explained what happened to him on Friday, and when I came in this morning, whistling, he was surprised I was in a better mood.
“Yeah, sure, man.” He laughs because he doesn’t understand the depth of feelings I have for Hope. He and Tillie have been together since they were eighteen. While I don’t doubt their love for each other, I don’t think their teenage feelings could compare to my very adult ones. Or maybe I just need mine to be stronger in order to believe we can weather any type of conflict.
“Time to go, man.” My head shoots up at Colby’s words, and I stand so quickly that my chair bangs against the wall behind me.
“Back in a bit.” I’m rushing out the door and towards the mall in no time. Arriving early works to my benefit because I can grab more flowers and a table in the food court before Hope arrives.
I’m about to check the time on my phone again when I spot her. Long dark hair in a messy bun on top of her head. Baggy sweater hanging off one of her shoulders, fresh face, and a cautious look in her eyes.
Eagerly striding towards her, I grin when she blushes as I hand her the flowers. Without a word, I grasp the back of her head and pull her in for a deep kiss, exploring her mouth as I drag her body closer.
Tangling tongues, breathy sighs, and her hands squeezing my arms as she tries to maintain her balance, I finally pull away to see a dazed look on her face and sense stares all around us. “Fuck have I missed you.”
“You have?” I fucking hate how uncertain she is.
“Big time. How are you?” I ask, guiding her to the table I’d chosen for us.
“Fine. Tired.” I frown. I don’t like her being tired.
Helping her sit, I pull out a chair next to her and clasp one of her hands in my own. “I am so sorry about last week.” I kiss her knuckles when she sucks in a sharp breath. “Carla and I were over years ago. I don’t understand why she keeps coming back, but I think she’s gone for good this time after I exploded on her.”
Hope chews on her lip for a minute before saying, “Okay.”
I can see in her eyes she’s battling something substantial, and I’m not sure how to get her to tell me what’s on her mind. “It doesn’t have to be okay, Hope. You can be mad. Hell, be pissed. But don’t appease me.”
Her mouth opens and closes a couple of times before her thoughts form, and she speaks. “I’m not. After some time, I figured that what I saw might not have been what was happening.”
“You did?” Now I’m confused.
She nods. “I’m always missing something. Not understanding what I see, even when it’s obvious for everyone around me.” Pulling her hand back, she drops them both in her lap. “I have alexithymia.”
“What’s that?” I ask before she can explain further.
“I was born with it. Doctors said I have some wires crossed in my brain, which, in turn, makes it extremely difficult for me to identify emotions. In others and in myself. And retaining relationships, even friendships, is nearly impossible because I’m always misreading emotional cues.”
And now everything makes sense. I suspected it was something like that, but I had no idea there was a medical explanation.
“I require a lot of reassurance, Reed. I don’t mean to, and I don’t like it, but I’ve had so many people tell me one thing only for them to mean the opposite, and they expect me to understand where the truth lay. I’ve lost plenty of friends because I moved on from a problem unresolved too many times.”
“That sounds really lonely.” I can see the sadness in every line of her body. She may not be able to read emotions, but I can read her, and what I see is disturbing. “So you pulling away, even when you suspected you didn’t read the situation correctly, was you trying to understand what happened?”
“Yes and no.” She blows out a deep breath before answering. “I didn’t answer you because what I saw, what that woman did…my body ached. My chest felt like it was cramping. As if there were a vice slowly tightening, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know that what I was feeling was a broken heart.”
Brushing a hand down my face, I feel like shit. She was going through so much without even knowing how to identify what was happening. I should have pushed harder to see her.
“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry that I hurt you like that.” My voice cracks, and I lean forward, pressing my forehead to hers. “I swear, I’ll never hurt you again. Not ever.”
“I believe you.” She whispers the three sweetest words I never knew I needed to hear.
7
Hope
“How did it go?” Luca’s voice echoes in my car as I drive to the grocery store. Lunch with Reed went far better than I imagined.
“It was good.”
“Did you tell him?” Luca has been on me all morning to explain my secrets to Reed, and he’s right. But I can only confess so much at once.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I prepare for him to give me heck. “I told him about the alexithymia.”
“But not the baby?” he growls.
“No, Luca. Not the baby. I didn’t want to do that in a public place. That’s not an easy thing to tell someone, you know.”
“He needs to know, Hope. The longer you wait, the angrier he’ll be.”
“Are you mad at me?” I shake my head in confusion because Luca didn’t want me to have anything to do with Reed last week.
“No.” He pauses. “I just don’t think it’s fair that either of you gets emotionally invested if this could be the thing to break you up.”
Great. Now I’m nervous again. “You’re right.” I mumble the words as I stop at a red light, trying to brush the tears out of my eyes with my sleeve. “I never should have spoken to him.”
“Hopeless, dammit, that’s not what I meant.”
“But it’s true. Why would he want me with another couple's baby anyways?” The sound of horns blaring catches my attention just in time to glance to the right as an uncontrollable car comes speeding my way. “Luca!” I scream at the impact.
Glass shatters.
Pain explodes in my skull as it hits the window.
“Hope!” I can hear my brother holler through a distance. “Hopeless, talk to me!”
“The baby, Luca.” I whisper the words as my eyes grow heavy. A thick fog is taking over my brain as I hear voices asking if I’m alright and telling me not to move. “Luca…”
“I’m calling, Reed,” he says, and I can hear him speaking frantically, but nothing is registering except agony.
My head, my arm, hip.
The baby.
She’s all I can think about as I hear sirens growing closer.
“Reed’s on his way, kid. I’ll meet you at the hospital.” Luca sounds…scared? “Hope, you still with me?”
My eyelids lift enough for me to glimpse the carnage of my once new SUV and the grill of a car embedded in the passenger side.
“The baby,” I whisper again.
“She’ll be fine, kid. So will you.” He doesn’t sound very sure.
When I feel fingers probing at my head, I scream from the pain. “Whoa, ma’am, my name is Torque Decker, I’m a fireman. Just trying to assess you for when the paramedics arrive. Can you tell me your name?”
When I attempt to look at him, there are two heads. “Did you know you have two heads?” He chuckles, and his smile is cute.
“Your name, darlin’.”
“The baby,” I murmur. My fear ramps up as a crowd begins to form. “You have to save her.”
“Where is she?” He begins to look in the back seat when I shake my head, tryin
g to tell him.
“Luca?” I call my brother’s name.
“She’s pregnant,” Luca replies through the speaker.
“Gotcha. Let’s just put this on you.” Torque wraps a collar around my neck. “Gonna need your name.”
“Hope,” I sigh out as tears slide down my cheeks.
“Hope.” He grins again. “It suits you. Got anyone you need me to call, Hope?”
“Luca already did,” I mumble, my eyelids growing heavy again.
“Ah, ah, ah, no going to sleep on me now. We’re just getting acquainted.”
“Okay.”
“Who’s Luca, Hope?” Torque asks, and I hear my brother answer him, but he asks me again.
“My brother.” My words feel heavy.
“Paramedics are here now… Open your eyes.” I blink once, try for twice, but I just can’t make it happen.
I can hear the horrible screeching of my door being opened, and I feel myself getting moved, but I’m too tired to talk or open my eyes.
“Pretty girl.” Reed. He’s here. “Come on, Hope, open those beautiful eyes for me.” I try a little harder to do as he asks. I’d do almost anything for Reed.
“There’s my girl.” I feel him kiss my hand as he, Torque, and a paramedic gaze down at me from above. “We’re going to the hospital now, okay. They’re going to take good care of you.”
“Don’t leave me,” I mouth because my voice has disappeared for some reason, and Reed smiles at me.
“I’m meeting you there. Torque is going to ride with you in the meantime, okay?” I see something in his eyes; they’re darker than usual. And his face is tight.
Anger.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask as they begin to load the stretcher I’m on into the back of the ambulance.
Gripping the cushion so I don't move, Reed leans down to place a soft kiss on my lips. “Never mad at you, pretty girl. Never. I’ll see you soon.” I nod at his words and watch him until the doors of the ambulance close.
“You’re going to be just fine.” Torque smiles down at me, and I reach for his hand. I need something to hold onto because I know Reed is going to learn about the baby now, and not in the way I was going to tell him tonight.
