Five Plays: Ivanov

by Anton Chekhov

  BabakinaI’m very well, thank you.

  LebedevWell, thanks be to God. (Sits in an armchair.) So, where are we . . .? (Calling the manservant.) Gavrila!

  Gavrila brings over to him a small glass of vodka and a tumbler of water. Lebedev drinks the vodka and chases it down with water.

  First GuestGood health!

  LebedevGood health is right. I’m not about to fall off my perch. (To his wife.) Zyuzyushka, where’s the birthday girl?

  Kosykh(tearfully) Not a single trick! For God’s sake! (Jumps up.) How the devil did we manage to lose every trick?

  Avdotya(jumps up, angrily) Well, don’t play if you don’t know how! What makes you think you can lead with your opponent’s suit! Then you wonder why you’re stuck with your ace!

  Both come forward from behind the table.

  Kosykh(tearfully) I appeal to you, everyone – I had the ace, king, queen, jack and eight of diamonds, the ace of spades and a low heart, do you follow me? – and she – God knows why, couldn’t declare a small slam. So I declared ‘no trumps’.

  Avdotya(interrupting) It was me who bid ‘no trumps’!

  KosykhThat’s ridiculous! . . . Let me tell you – you had – I had – no, you had – Lebedev, you be the judge. In diamonds, I had ace, king –

  Lebedev(stops his ears) Stop! – Leave me alone! –

  Avdotya(shouts) I was the one who said ‘no trumps’!

  Kosykh(furiously) I’ll be damned if I ever sit down to play with you again, you old trout!

  He rushes into the garden. The Second Guest follows him out. Yegorushka is left at the table.

  AvdotyaWell! . . . I’m all upset now. Trout, indeed. Trout yourself!

  BabakinaYes, but you lost your temper, too, Granny.

  Avdotya(seeing Babakina, throws up her hands with delight) My lovely one and only! Here she is, and I’m such a blind old bat I never noticed her. My little darling . . . my dove –

  She kisses Babakina’s shoulder and sits down beside her.

  Let me look at you! You’re a snow queen – I’ll stop before I tempt providence – spit, spit –

  She spits twice over her shoulder.

  LebedevShe’s off again. What you should do, dear, is find her a husband . . .

  AvdotyaAnd see if I don’t! Sinner that I am, I won’t go to my grave till I’ve seen her married. And that goes for Sasha too. I won’t rest. (Sighs.) Only, where do you find a real man these days? Look at them – preening themselves like a bunch of cockerels caught in the rain.

  Third GuestYou couldn’t be more wrong – young men nowadays want to stay single, and if you want my opinion it’s because of the state of society and the economic –

  LebedevYou’ve set him off. We don’t want dissertations on the state of society, thank you.

  Sasha enters and goes up to her father.

  SashaSuch a lovely evening, and you’re all cooped up in this stuffy room!

  ZinaidaSashenka, haven’t you noticed who’s come to visit?

  SashaOh – excuse me, Marfa.

  She goes up to Babakina and greets her.

  BabakinaYou’ve become such a lady, Sasha, you haven’t been over to see me, not once. (They kiss.) Happy birthday, my dear.

  SashaThank you.

  She sits down next to her father.

  LebedevI know what you mean, Avdotya, and it’s not just husbands who are hard to come by – you can’t even find a decent best man. Today’s lot – no offence – have gone off somehow, they’ve turned like milk, poor things, they’re curdled – don’t dance, don’t know how to talk or drink . . .

  AvdotyaHumph! They know how to drink, given half a chance.

  LebedevDrinking’s nothing, a horse can drink. I’m talking about drinking with a point to it. In my day, you’d slog away at your studies all day, come the evening you’d head for the nearest place with lights in the window and spin like a top till dawn . . . dance the plyaska and have a laugh with all the girls and who’s-for-another, get me? – (He makes the drinking sign.) – and tell stories and philosophise till your tongue fell out. Young men today . . . (Waves his hand dismissively.) I don’t understand them. No use to God or the devil. In the whole district, there’s only one real man, and he’s married . . . (Sighs.) And he seems to be on the slide . . .

  BabakinaWho’s that?

  LebedevNikolay Ivanov.

  BabakinaYes, he’s all right. (Pulls a face.) Not a happy man, though.

  ZinaidaYou’re right there, darling, and he’s got enough to be unhappy about, poor fool – (Sighs.) What a mistake that was, married his Jewess and thought the parents would hand over buckets of cash but no such luck. The moment she got herself baptised, they’ve had nothing to do with her, cut her off. So he didn’t get a kopek. He’s regretting it now, too late.

  SashaMama, that’s not true.

  Babakina(heatedly) What do you mean, Sasha? – everyone knows it’s true! Why did he marry that Abramovna if it wasn’t for the money? Aren’t there enough Russian girls? He made a mistake, darling, and – (Gaily.)– my goodness, is she paying for it! It’s enough to make a cat laugh. He arrives home from somewhere and he’s going on at her from the word go – ‘Your parents swindled me – get out of my house!’ But where could she go? Her parents won’t take her back. She’d have to go into service, I suppose, but she’s never been trained to work. And he never leaves off. The Count has to step in, that’s what I’ve heard – if it weren’t for him, Ivanov would have done for his Anna long ago.

  AvdotyaNot only that, he locks her in the cellar and makes her eat garlic till it’s coming out in her sweat.

  Laughter.

  SashaIt’s all lies, Papa!

  LebedevSo what? Let them jabber away, if it makes them feel better. (Shouts.) Gavrila! . . .

  Gavrila serves him vodka and water.

  ZinaidaAnd now the poor man is going to rack and ruin. He and his Jew-girl would be starving if it wasn’t for Misha Borkin keeping the estate going. (Sighs.) Not to mention how we’re suffering for it, my dear. God only knows the suffering he’s caused us. Would you believe me if I told you he’s owed us nine thousand roubles for three years now?

  Babakina(in horror) Nine thousand . . .!

  ZinaidaYes, my Pavel, who can’t tell a good loan from a bad one, lent him nine thousand. And it’s not just the capital, may the Good Lord watch over it – but you’d think he might pay the interest when it’s due.

  Sasha(heatedly) Mama, we’ve heard this a thousand times before!

  ZinaidaWhat’s that to you? Why are you standing up for him anyway?

  SashaAnd how have you got the nerve, talking this way about someone who’s never done you any harm? What’s he ever done to you, tell me that?

  Third GuestMiss Alexandra, allow me to say a couple of words! I respect Nikolay Alekseevich, I really do, it’s an honour to know him, but entre nous I’d say he’s a bit of a chancer.

  SashaOh, would you? – Well, I hope you feel better for it!

  Third GuestIf you want proof, consider this for a fact, told me by his bulldog, Borkin. Two years ago he bought cattle in the middle of the epidemic, insured them . . .

  ZinaidaYes – I remember that. I heard about it too.

  Third GuestHe insured them, then, guess what, he infected them with cattle disease and collected the insurance!

  SashaThat’s absolute rubbish! Nobody bought or infected any cattle! It was one of Borkin’s pet schemes, he went around bragging about it. When Ivanov got to hear of it, Borkin spent two weeks grovelling. Ivanov’s only fault is that he’s too kind and didn’t send that Borkin packing. He’s too trusting. People have cheated him out of everything he had. Anyone who feels inclined has made money out of his charitable works.

  LebedevCool down, little Sasha – that’s enough.

  SashaBut why do they talk such nonsense? It’s so tedious! Is that all they can talk about? Ivanov, Ivanov, Ivanov – (She starts to leave but returns.) I’m surprised at you – (To the young people.) I can’
t believe how pathetic you are. Aren’t you bored just sitting around? The air is thick with it! . . . Talk about something! Be some company for us! Laugh or sing us a song, or dance, just do something!

  Lebedev(laughs) That’s right, you tell them!

  SashaNo, listen, please – listen to me – if it’s too boring to dance or laugh or sing, I implore you for once in your life, just for the novelty, brace yourselves and just come straight out with something brilliant or witty – even something embarrassing or stupid, anything so long as it’s original and gets a laugh. Or if you could just perform some little action, it doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, just anything which passes for an achievement, so these ladies here just for once can say ‘Goodness me!’ You want them to like you, so why don’t you make an effort? You men! – you’re hopeless, you really are!

  Shabelsky enters with Ivanov.

  ShabelskyWho’s making a speech? You, Shurochka? (Laughs loudly and shakes her hand.) Happy birthday, my angel, may you live long and only the once.

  Zinaida(joyfully) Nikolay Alekseevich! Your Excellency!

  LebedevWho’s this I see? Count!

  Shabelsky, catching sight of Zinaida and Babakina, stretches out his arms to them.

  ShabelskyWhat a lovely sight – two moneybags on one sofa!

  They greet each other.

  (To Zinaida.) Zyuzyushka! (To Babakina.) Good evening, my little pompom!

  ZinaidaI’m so happy to see you, Count, it’s been too long. Gavrila, more tea! Sit down, sit down.

  She gets up, goes to the door and immediately returns, looking anxious.

  Sasha sits down in her previous place. Meanwhile Ivanov greets everyone in silence.

  Lebedev(to Shabelsky) Where did you blow in from? What brought you? I can’t believe you’re here. (Kisses him.) Count, you’re a scoundrel. Normal people don’t behave like this. (Leads him aside.) Why don’t you come to see us? Are you angry with us or what?

  ShabelskyHow am I supposed to get over here? On a broomstick? I haven’t got my own horses, Nikolay won’t bring me with him, makes me keep Anna company so she doesn’t get lonely. Send your horses over for me and I’ll be there.

  LebedevThere’s the problem. It’s Zinaida, she’d sooner die. You mean everything to me, old chap, more than anyone. We’re the only ones left of the old crowd. ‘In my love for you are all my former griefs, my vanished youth.’ I’m serious, I could weep.

  He embraces Shabelsky.

  ShabelskyLet go, that’ll do – you smell like a distillery.

  LebedevDear chap, you can’t imagine how bored I am without my old friends. I could hang myself. (Quietly.) All the decent folk have been driven away by Zyuzyushka and her money-lending – you can see there’s nobody left but these backwoods Boodkins and Doodkins . . . Well, anyway, have some tea.

  Gavrila brings the Count some tea.

  Zinaida(to Gavrila) Wake up, what a way to serve tea – fetch some jam, gooseberry or something –

  Shabelsky(laughs loudly; to Ivanov) What did I tell you? (To Lebedev.) I bet him on the road, that as soon as we arrived Zyuzyushka would break out the gooseberry jam.

  ZinaidaHave your little joke, Count.

  LebedevThey don’t know what to do with it all, there’s about twenty barrels of the stuff.

  Shabelsky(sitting near the table) Still coining it, Zyuzyushka? Made your first million?

  Zinaida(with a sigh) It may look like that to you, but where do people think the money’s coming from? It’s just gossip . . .

  ShabelskyOh yes, I’m sure! We know you’ve no talent for that little game! (To Lebedev.) Pavel, be honest, have you got a million?

  LebedevMy God, how would I know? Ask Zyuzyushka.

  Shabelsky(to Babakina) And our tubby little pompom here is on the way to her first million. So help me, she gets prettier and plumper by the day. That’s what comes with rolling in it.

  BabakinaI’ll thank you not to make fun of me, Your Excellency.

  ShabelskyYou call that making fun of you, my little moneybags? I speak from the heart. My love for you and Zyuzyushka is boundless. (Gaily.) Oh, the joy of it, the rapture! I can’t look at you without getting giddy!

  ZinaidaAnd you haven’t changed a bit. Yegorushka, put the candles out, there’s no reason to have them lit if you’re not playing.

  Yegorushka gives a start. He puts out the candles and sits down.

  (To Ivanov.) How is your wife, Nikolay Alekseevich?

  IvanovNot well. The doctor told me today it’s definitely tuberculosis.

  ZinaidaDid he? – What an awful shame. (Sighs.) We’re all so fond of her, you know . . .

  ShabelskyNonsense, nonsense! She hasn’t got TB – that doctor’s a quack. It’s just a ploy, so our Aesculapius can hang about the house. It’s a good job Ivanov’s not the jealous type.

  Ivanov makes an impatient gesture.

  I wouldn’t take her word on anything either. My rule in life is, never trust doctors, lawyers or women. It’s all nonsense – trickery and quackery.

  LebedevYou’re a strange specimen, Matvey! You put on this act of hating the world, and parade about like some half-wit with a new toy. You’re no different from anyone else till you open your mouth, and then it’s like you’re spitting out a nasty taste.

  ShabelskyWhat do you want me to do? – go about making love to these crooks and impostors?

  LebedevWhat crooks and impostors? Where are they?

  ShabelskyI’m don’t mean present company, of course, but –

  LebedevBut nothing. It’s all put on.

  ShabelskyYou say that because you’re lucky to have no sense of the sublime.

  LebedevHow can I have a sense of the sublime? All I do is sit here waiting to kick the bucket. There’s my sense of the sublime for you. For you and me, brother, it’s a bit late for a sense of the sublime. (Shouts.) Gavrila!

  ShabelskyYou’ve had enough ‘Gavrila’ – your nose looks as if it’s on fire.

  Lebedev(drinks) What if it does? I’m not getting married today.

  ZinaidaIt’s ages since Doctor Lvov was here. He’s forgotten us.

  SashaI can’t bear him. Uprightness in boots. He can’t ask for a glass of water without pushing his honesty in your face. A walking, talking advert for honesty, it’s stamped on his forehead, ‘Solid Honesty’. He’s a bore.

  ShabelskyHe’s a prig and a bigot. (Mimics.) ’Make way for honest speech!’ Preaching non-stop like a parrot, and anyone who doesn’t preach along is a cad. The profundity of his thoughts is astounding. If a peasant has done well for himself and lives like a human being, that means he’s on the fiddle and a scrounger. If I wear a smoking jacket, and have a servant to help me dress, I’m a worthless exploiter. He’s got honesty coming out of his ears. I don’t know – you only have to look at him sideways and he’s quite liable to take hold of you and call you names because it’s his moral duty.

  IvanovHe’s tiresome, but still, I quite like him, he’s completely sincere.

  ShabelskyOh, I’m sure he is! He came up to me last night and out of nowhere he said, ‘You know, Count, I find you deeply repugnant!’ Well, thank you very much. And it’s not simply personal, oh no, there’s bigotry there, his voice trembles, his eyes burn, his knees shake . . . To hell with his gimcrack sincerity. I may be repugnant to him, that’s fair enough, I don’t need telling, so why does he have to tell me to my face? So I’m worthless, fine, but when all’s said and done, grey hairs deserve respect. His honesty is as mindless as it’s merciless.

  LebedevOh, come on – you were young once . . .

  ShabelskyYes, I was a young hothead in my time – a second Chatsky outfacing the frauds and philistines – but I never called a thief a thief to his face, or mentioned rope in the house of a hanged man, I was properly brought up. But that boneheaded quack thinks he’ll have served his purpose in life if he could haul me up in public and, in the name of his humane and idealistic principles, put his boot in where it hurts.

  LebedevI had an un
cle, when he was a young man he was a Hegelian, and he’d invite people to his house and when he’d had a few drinks he’d get up on a chair, like this, and harangue them about being ignoramuses and forces of darkness – announcing the dawn of a new age and blahdy-blah . . .

  SashaWhat did the guests do?

  LebedevIgnored him, of course – carried on drinking. I challenged him to a duel once – my own uncle! We fell out about something or other in Francis Bacon. What happened was, I was sitting where Matvey is sitting, and uncle and the late Gerasim Nilych were standing there, about where Nikolay is standing – well, Gerasim Nilych goes and asks a question . . .

  Enter Borkin dressed in his best clothes, with a package in his hands, bouncing up and down and humming. There is a buzz of approval.

  LadiesMisha! Mikhail Mikhailovich!

  LebedevMichel Michelich! – Listen to this . . .

  BorkinI’ve arrived!

  ShabelskyNow the fun starts!

  Borkin(runs up to Sasha) Noble signorina, may I be so bold as to congratulate the universe on the birthday of its loveliest flower . . . and as proof of my esteem, present you - (Hands her the package.) – with these fireworks and sparklers of my own manufacture. May they light up the night as you brighten the gloom of this realm of darkness.

  He makes a theatrical bow.

  SashaThank you.

  Lebedev(laughs loudly; to Ivanov) Why don’t you send the rogue on his way?

  Borkin(to Lebedev) Pavel Kirillich! (To Ivanov.) And my guv’nor . . . (Sings.) Nicolas – voilà, hi-de-ho! (Goes round to everyone.) The most respected Zinaida Savishna . . . The divine Marfa Yegorovna . . . The ancient Avdotya Nazarovna . . . His exalted Excellency.

  Shabelsky(laughs loudly) The life and soul . . . He walks in and the mood brightens. Notice that?

  BorkinPhew, I’m exhausted . . . I think that’s everyone. Well, what’s the latest, ladies and gents? Any news to set the ears waggling? (To Zinaida, eagerly.) Something for you, Mama dear. When I was on my way here . . . (To Gavrila.) Get me a glass of tea, Gavryushka, only skip the gooseberry jam . . . (To Zinaida.) Yes, on my way to you just now, there were some peasants by the river stripping the bark off your willows. You should have those willows farmed out to somebody.