Alex (In the Company of Snipers)

by Winters, Irish

  First I’m sick out of my mind. I’m screaming. Having nightmares. Now I’m what? Delirious? Stupid?

  Her introspection followed by a flurry of other questions. Did he mean to take my hand tonight? And if he did, did he mean it that way, or was he just being nice? Did he know he touched my arm while we were on the metro? Did he mean to say goodnight the way he said goodnight, or was it just goodnight?

  She lay awake long after she turned the light off, feeling like a foolish schoolgirl with a crush on the home-team quarterback. Her mind rattled more questions. Did he mean he was worried about me more than the dogs? Was he really worried or just being nice? But he said he would keep in touch. What is wrong with me?

  Her prayer from the night before came back to her. She had gotten exactly what she had asked for.

  Fourteen

  Kelsey

  The house was extra empty.

  Hollow. Kelsey sipped her coffee alone at the kitchen table. It was Monday, a travel day for Alex, but just another day for her. He had been so quiet when he left this morning that she had slept right through it, which was probably a good thing. Who knows what dumb thing she might have said if she had been awake. She realized she didn’t know where he was traveling to or why. How strange that the prospect of him being gone for a couple weeks made her feel more alone than his outrageous work schedule. At least before, she had known he would be home every night, and he was always happy to see her. Wasn’t he?

  She finished her coffee and washed the single cup before she placed it back in the cupboard. She meant what she had said last night, so her first accomplishment of the day was to call an on-line university. The woman she spoke with was very helpful. By the end of the call, she knew exactly what classes she needed and had also completed a student loan application. She hung up feeling proud of herself like she used to. Wouldn’t Alex be surprised if he came home to find her recertified and moved into her own place? She needed her own space. Didn’t she?

  Kelsey had little time to think about her plans or troubles. At nine o’clock the doorbell rang. Within minutes, the living room was full of boxes of everything and anything a person would need to set up a home computer. She was no more finished with that delivery, when a furniture truck backed into the driveway, and she was asked to accept delivery of a solid walnut roll-top desk. The deliveryman handed her the paperwork to sign and a card that simply read: I’ve been meaning to set up a home office. Would you mind? Alex.

  “Our instructions are to move this desk into the southwest corner bedroom and make sure we situate it exactly where the lady of the house tells us. Are you the lady of the house?” The deliveryman stood waiting for an answer while his partner rolled an overloaded hand-truck up the walk.

  She started to shake her head, but the implication made her smile. “Well, I guess that’s me right now, only I’m not the lady of the house, only—never mind. I don’t think it will fit in that room because it’s full of—” She opened the door to the other spare bedroom to find it empty. The furniture had been cleared and the floor recently scrubbed. When had Alex done all of this? Last night?

  The deliverymen set the desk where she would be able to see out the window while she worked. Just when she thought the day couldn’t hold any more surprises, the doorbell rang again. There stood a man from the computer store. “I’m here to set up your computer, ma’am. I understand you’re taking some on-line classes?”

  Dumbfounded, Kelsey showed him to the computer boxes and the rapidly improving home office.

  “Excellent choice, ma’am. This is some of the best hardware out there. I’ll have this set up and working in no time. If I do say so myself, I think you’ll be very happy with this equipment.”

  Before he had finished installing hardware, software, and everything else she could possibly need, the doorbell rang again. This time it was a repairman from the telephone company, come to install a second phone line. His instructions were the same. Install the line in the southeast corner bedroom and do exactly what the lady of the house desires.

  Kelsey sat in the living room with a foolish smile on her face while the servicemen traipsed back and forth until their work was finished. She was thankful Alex was out of town because he would surely have read her mind. Last night she had told him one little piece of information, and now all this.

  At last the servicemen left, their work accomplished. The phone rang and her heart was instantly hopeful it might be Alex. She had so much to say, but it wasn’t him. It was just the bank advising her student loan was approved, and she could commence taking courses. The low-interest repayment schedule would not become effective until she was gainfully employed. Would there be anything else?

  Kelsey placed the phone back into its cradle. She didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Should she go? Should she stay? Should she walk the dogs or knuckle down to class work? Should she cry? Should she laugh? With a silly twirl in the middle of the boring dark living room, she let her emotions take over while she laughed and cried at the same time.

  On an impulse, she picked up the phone to call Alex, but just as quickly dropped it back in its cradle. No. Control yourself. Think. Stick to the plan. Get your teaching job back. Don’t do anything stupid. Move out. Get your own place. Be smart for a change.

  And then she fired up the computer.

  I hate math.

  The phone woke Kelsey. She had fallen asleep on the keyboard, puzzling through an on-line secondary math class, not her favorite subject.

  “Good morning.” It was Alex speaking over a lot of noise. “You there?”

  “Yes. I’m here. How are you?”

  “Doing good.” His deep baritone voice competed with a great deal of racket in the background. “Meant to call you sooner. How’s the new office?”

  “You shouldn’t have done all that. It’s too much.” She shouted to be heard, her answer lost in the continuous noise of wherever he was. “Where are you? It sounds like you’re in a war.”

  “Afghanistan.” He shouted as well. “Hang on.”

  “Are you okay?” Her consternation grew as the noise level of his call prevented further dialogue. All she could do was listen. The phone sounded like it was dropped, dragged, and tossed. At lasr the noise diminished, and his voice came through strong, clear, and very good.

  “Sorry about that. I didn’t expect the whole squadron of helos to land so close to our tent. I’m okay. How are you?”

  “I’m good, but why are you in Afghanistan? You’re not in the military anymore.”

  “We’re helping the Army with a couple projects. It’s good to hear your voice.”

  She smiled. Despite the miles between them, he sounded like he was in the next room. “I’ve been working on math all day.”

  “Why do you need math?”

  “Because the Virginia school board only accepts some of my credentials. It’s not a big deal. I have to take a few classes in secondary math, that’s all.”

  “For kindergarten?” He sounded surprised.

  “Kindergarten teachers have to be smart, too.”

  “But how are you, really? Are you okay?”

  Again, his deep voice struck a chord. She couldn’t help the foolish smile that blossomed all over her face. “I’m good. The dogs are fine and—”

  “I don’t care about the dogs.” The impatience in his voice surprised her. Immediately, it softened. “I’d rather hear about you.”

  Her heart fluttered. “I’m doing fine. I’m busy with school and the dogs and—”

  “You’re not thinking of moving out, are you?”

  Did she hear a tone of worry in that man’s sexy voice? Kelsey paused, not sure what she planned anymore. “I really should do that one of these days—”

  “Do me a favor. Don’t move out until I get back. It’s only two more weeks. Can you promise you won’t leave until I get back?”

  “You’ve already been gone four weeks. I really don’t want to move, but—”

  “Listen
. I know it’s been longer than I expected, but we’re clearing out a couple pockets of insurgents. They don’t exactly follow a schedule. Can you wait a little longer? For me?”

  Again she hesitated. For heaven’s sake, this wasn’t a marriage proposal, and it was only two more weeks. Its not like she was ready to move out anyway. It’s just that, it’s just that—what? She didn’t know what she meant any more.

  “Okay,” she said softly.

  “What? I can’t hear you. What?” The loud chop of helicopter blades cut his side of the conversation into blocks of unintelligible garble. Click. The line went dead.

  Kelsey stared at the phone in her hand, not sure if he had heard her or not. One minute she felt blue eyes looking into her soul, and just like that, he was gone. She raised the phone back to her ear. The words rolled easily off her tongue.

  “Yes, Alex. I will wait for you.”

  She placed the phone back on its cradle with thoughts of Alex swirling through her head. He wasn’t home and she decided, why not? Kelsey stood up from her computer and stretched as she thought about what she was going to do next. It felt like a breech of trust, but somehow, she didn’t think he would mind. So she did it.

  She opened his bedroom door and stepped over the threshold. A queen-sized bed stood between two single windows. Dark curtains kept the world out so well, she had to turn the light on. Judging by the dust on the folded pleats, those curtains hadn’t been opened in a very long time.

  Summoning a shred more courage, Kelsey tiptoed around his bed. The chenille bedspread was old-fashioned and worn, but she could tell the corners were square beneath the spread, the two standard-sized pillows tucked just as neatly at the headboard. Alex was military through and through. She wondered if Sara had bought the spread. Probably. The room resembled everything else in the house, as if his life had stopped years ago. She knew the feeling.

  As she continued her invasion of his privacy, Kelsey turned her attention to his dresser. There were only two items on the dusty surface. A small wooden tray held a silver and gold watch, a pair of gold cuff links, a few tie clips of flags and other military insignia, and some shirt buttons. Kelsey noticed the metro ticket stub dated July fourth still in the tray. It touched her that he hadn’t thrown it away.

  Next to the tray stood a picture of the Alex Stewart family, one of those generic department store types. She examined it closely. They looked like a very happy family. Alex had worn a tan shirt with blue slacks, most likely part of his military uniform. Sara was dressed in a simple blue dress with capped sleeves. She looked happy with Abby on her lap, her husband’s arm draped casually around them both. The family resemblance was obvious. Abby had his blue eyes but Sara’s white-blond hair. Abby’s face was lit with the innocent smile of Daddy’s little girl, her top two teeth missing.

  Alex was a lucky man. Contentment glowed from his handsome face. His hair was darker and his eyes less guarded, and his wide-open smile made him look even younger. Happier. A stab of remorse whispered. Kelsey didn’t have a single picture of her dysfunctional family, much less a nice portrait like this. Even if she could’ve afforded one, too many bruises would’ve shown. It was never an option in her universe.

  She wondered what a normal family life with Alex might’ve been like. What kind of father was he? What kind of husband? Judging by the look on Sara’s face, Kelsey knew. A twinge of foolish jealousy pricked her heart. Once upon a time Sara had everything.

  Carefully Kelsey replaced the portrait in the exact same dust-free line where she had found it. She sat on the edge of his bed, feeling foolish at her schoolgirl feelings as she bounced the mattress once, then twice. The springs within creaked. Guilt poked at her conscience. What difference did it make if she investigated his room or not? He was thousands of miles away, and yet – she could almost picture him sitting with her. He would be kind, maybe wondering and maybe hopeful. With a sigh, she leaned back onto the bed, her heart pounding as she felt the nubby chenille against the back of her arms. She didn’t want him sitting next to her on the edge of the bed. No. She wanted him climbing all over her body, ripping her clothes off, covering her mouth with—

  STOP!

  Kelsey snapped to attention. She gulped as another thought surfaced. This was where he had made love with his wife. The thought rattled her. She shouldn’t be here. This was a private place. Intimate. She was nothing, but an uninvited interloper. Jumping off the bed, she straightened the bedspread until it was exactly as he had left it. No imprint of her body must remain. He must never know she had betrayed his trust.

  On her way out the door, another picture caught her eye, only this was a crayon drawing taped to the closed closet door on what looked like his side of the bed. It pulled her across the room. With trembling fingers she examined the childish figures marked in bright crayon colors. A big stick mommy with straight yellow hair stood beside a smaller stick daddy with spiky brown hair. In between them stood a little stick girl with the same yellow hair as her mother’s. She smiled with bright red crayon lips and vivid blue eyes, the same as her daddy’s, while her spaghetti arms were stretched to reach her mommy and daddy’s hands. A string of multi-colored flowers and green stalks of grass lined the bottom of the page, while a grinning sun streamed long, yellow sunshine over the happy family. The paper was faded and covered with wrinkles as if it had been crushed into a ball, but then smoothed flat again. The happy words across the top of the page said it all. My Family.

  Her mouth went dry. Jackie had drawn this exact kind of family picture at the Durrant kitchen table not too long ago. He had concentrated so hard that his tongue stuck out until the last flower was colored in his favorite colors. Red and yellow. He had even drawn his truck in the portrait. Tears blurred the lovely image as Kelsey touched the waxy outline of a dead little girl’s face. She could almost smell the crayons and construction paper. The image of Jackie’s proud smile when he displayed his finished masterpiece on their refrigerator door just so his daddy could see it flashed into her mind. Nick. The awful irony sliced her heart to shreds all over again. Jackie had loved his father like any son would. He wanted to make sure his daddy saw his artwork. But Nick—

  What was I thinking?

  She couldn’t get out of Alex’s room fast enough. The devastation of all she had lost swept over her like wildfire. Curling up on her bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, she cried, like that could in any way keep the pain at bay. It couldn’t. What on earth am I doing in Alexandria? How could I have left my boys behind and so far away? A torrent of tears blinded her. She didn’t belong here. She didn’t belong anywhere.

  Smiling eyes of crayon blue from down the hall chided her. Abby had lived the perfect childhood loved by both of her parents, but in the end, she was the same as Tommy and Jackie. Loved and lost. Kelsey thought of Abby’s very unhappy father. She stilled as she remembered the tender light in his eyes the night before he left, and the sound of his voice when he called, “Can you wait a little longer? For me?”

  The thought calmed her. He was the difference between her family and Sara’s. He had truly loved his wife and child. He still did. Everything in this sad depressing home testified to that.

  Alex. Kelsey took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as her emotions returned to normal. Abby and Sara were gone. Tommy and Jackie were gone. But she and Alex were still here. They weren’t so different. Want to or not, they still had to live.

  She set her feet to the floor and resolutely returned to the brand new home office with its state of the art computer and very expensive roll-top desk. Alex had given her another gift she didn’t deserve. The least she could do was accomplish what she intended.

  Whisper interrupted her plans with a yelp from his kennel. Without a backward glance, Kelsey snapped the laptop closed and snagged the dog leashes off the hook by the back door. In a minute, she locked the house and deserted her schoolwork for the day. She opened the kennel and let her two best friends loose to rampage around the backyard for a coupl
e minutes. In two more weeks Alex would be home again. She would do what he asked. She would wait for him.

  And then she’d leave.

  “Kelsey. It’s me, Alex.”

  “Are you coming home yet?” Kelsey’s heart fluttered at the sound of his voice. He called the minute his plane touched down. By then his original operation had been extended into a comfortable two-month zone of solitude and healing for her. She did feel stronger, but she would be happy to see him again, too.

  “Just landed. I’m at the airport. I need to stop by my office first, but how about a date tonight?”

  She choked, her throat suddenly too dry to swallow. “A date? Us? I mean, us? A date?”

  “Now don’t get all excited. Just thought I’d see if you’d help with a project of mine. We wouldn’t even have to leave the house.”

  She coughed again. Not leaving the house and date in the same sentence played crazy tricks on her libido. “What kind of project are you talking about?”

  “It’s a woodworking project. I do a couple things for the children’s cancer ward over at one of the DC hospitals every Christmas. Would you mind lending a hand? That’s all I’m asking.”

  Kelsey smiled more and more these days. She felt swept along in the wake of a man with more life in him than most people. “That sounds okay. I guess I can do that.”

  “I’ll be home at four. Do you want me to grab something for dinner?”

  “I’ve got two rib eyes waiting to be grilled.”

  “Good answer. See you soon.”

  Fifteen

  Kelsey

  He’s home.

  She didn’t know how to act by the time he pulled his truck into the driveway. As much as she wanted to run to him, she wanted to hide from him. All afternoon she had talked herself out of any excitement at seeing him again. She used logic and scolding, common sense and religious fortitude, but then she applied fresh lipstick and checked her makeup just in case.

  The doorknob turned. He stood in the doorway, tall, deeply tanned, handsome, and incredibly close. An odd rush of fear took her breath even as she realized how much she craved his crooked smile. His eyes seemed bluer than she remembered, and he had been to a barber on the way home. The manly smell of aftershave filled the small front room. The black polo tucked into tan cargo pants emphasized his athletic waist and hips. His broad shoulders looked broader. Her breath hitched as her eyes drank him in.