by Sarah Biglow
At ten after nine, she reached the building and stared at the front door sign: Commonwealth Adoption Services. She forced herself to open the door and walk in.
“Can I help you?” a woman at the front desk asked.
“I’m here for an appointment with—” she checked the note she’d scribbled “—Arlene.”
“Oh, sure. Just go straight back, and it will be the second door on the left.”
“Thanks.”
Erika pushed the door open and walked down the hall. Before the second door on the left, she spotted her reflection in a mirror. It wasn’t quite full length, but she had a decent view of her stomach. She was starting to show a little bit. Erika tugged on her shirt to cover it up and walked into the office. A handful of people, mostly women on their own, sat scattered throughout the room. A young couple sat in one corner, whispering to each other. More people than she’d expected. So she sat in a chair and waited. The clock above the reception desk showed nine twenty-five when a door on the right wall opened and a woman with dark brown hair and olive-colored skin walked out.
“Erika?” she called.
Erika looked around for a minute, half expecting someone else to stand up. When no one else did, she got to her feet and followed the woman back through the door. It led to a small office with pictures of happy families and a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf crammed with books.
“I’m Arlene,” the woman said and extended her hand.
“Hi.”
“Why don’t you have a seat?”
Erika put her purse on the floor and sat in the chair. She felt oddly like she was back at the clinic.
“So, Erika, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.”
“Um…I graduated last year from Emerson. Got my BA in theater production. I don’t have any siblings…or a boyfriend. I waitress. I used to only do it on the weekends, but I had to pick up shifts during the week recently.”
“Why do you think adoption is the right path for you to take?”
“I was going to get an abortion, but I kind of couldn’t go through with it. This clinic said maybe adoption would be better. Well, mostly my friend did the talking and the convincing. I guess just because I don’t want the baby doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t.”
“Well, I know we’re very glad you decided to look into adoption.”
Erika nodded and kept her gaze focused just below Arlene’s chin.
“Now, I’m just going to ask you some questions, and we’ll put your profile together,” she said, and Erika’s head jerked up.
“Profile?”
“The information we use to match you with a potential adoptive family.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“If I could get your birthday.”
“February twentieth, 1988.”
“Great. And can I get your current address.”
Erika fished in her purse and pulled out Renee’s address. She still had to get used to it. She handed it over and watched Arlene copy it.
“I just moved, so…I don’t have it memorized,” Erika explained.
“That’s fine.”
“Do you know your due date?”
“Uh…end of April.”
“Great.” Arlene paused to scribble something else on her form. “Do you have any health issues related to your pregnancy?”
Erika squirmed in her seat. She’d been expecting the question to come, but she hadn’t really figured out how to answer it. The voice in the back of her head kept yelling that she’d be turned away. “Um…” Erika coughed and cleared her throat. “I had some tests done a couple weeks ago.”
“Have you gotten those results back yet?”
“Nothing wrong like common diseases. But the doctor said that there’s a really high chance the baby has FAS.”
There, she’d made herself say it.
“How far into your pregnancy were you drinking?”
“Like eight or nine weeks. I stopped. And I’m getting help. In fact, I have a meeting tonight.”
Arlene settled back in her chair and stared across the desk. Erika shivered under the unflinching gaze. She was going to be yelled at and thrown out. She was sure of it. That voice in the back of her head was right.
“Your doctor explained the risks to you, right?”
“Yeah. And I swear I’m not doing it anymore. I just…with finding out about the baby and everything, I just kind of reacted. It was how I used to deal with stress and well…anything.”
Erika felt dampness on her cheeks and realized she’d started crying. Drying her tears with her shirtsleeve, she waited for Arlene to say something else, anything else.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Erika. Placing a special needs child is difficult. But not impossible.”
“You mean you aren’t going to kick me out?”
“No. We believe that every child deserves a loving home. And we strive to provide that.”
“So…when do I find out if someone wants the baby?”
“We’ll give you a call.”
“What happens after that?”
“Once we find a family, we’ll have you both come in for a meeting. You can discuss whatever you’d like with them. You can also do a home visit to see what the environment will be like for the baby. If you feel they’re the right person for you, then you’ll sign an agreement explaining what rights you have and what you’re giving up. Traditionally, we like to foster open adoptions.”
“Like I still get to see the baby and everything?”
“Pictures and letters, mostly. And usually the adoptive family will help pay for your doctor visits and your hospital stay.”
Erika lit up. “Really?”
“Yes. You can negotiate that when you sign the agreement. We like to encourage our adoptive families to go to as many doctor visits as they can.”
Erika leaned back in her chair. Not what she’d been expecting at all. Relief filled her to bursting. Maybe it would work out after all. It wouldn’t be a bad thing to have someone else pay for her baby bills. She certainly wasn’t going to complain.
“Now, are you taking prenatal vitamins?”
“Yeah. And I don’t know if it matters, but I’m going to prenatal yoga once a week.”
“That’s wonderful. Are you enjoying it?”
“It’s good. My roommate and I go together. There are some other people that go that are really nice.”
“It sounds like you’re starting to develop a support system. That’s good.”
“So do you need like my work schedule or anything?”
“No. Just the best times we can reach you, and I’ll need your phone number.”
“Mornings before eleven and in the evenings after six. Here’s my number,” Erika said and wrote it on a sticky note.
“Now, there is one thing you should be aware of,” Arlene said.
“What?”
“You do have some control over the process. If, when you meet with a potential family, you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to enter into anything with them. We want you to feel completely at ease with the people who are going to be raising your baby.”
“Okay.”
Arlene stood. Erika followed suit.
“It was very nice to meet you, Erika. And we will be in touch, hopefully soon, with some good news.”
“Thanks so much,” Erika said and shook Arlene’s hand.
Arlene led Erika out of her office and back to the waiting area. “Have a good day,” Arlene called as Erika left.
She got to the front of the building and had to keep from shouting with happiness. The moment Erika stepped onto the sidewalk, she let out a little yelp and a jump. A couple of people on the sidewalk stared at her, but she didn’t care. She pulled out her phone and rapidly started to type.
Renee—they’re going to help me. Should have news soon. She hit send. She had just enough time to close her phone when it rang.
“Hi, Dane,” she said after looking at the display.
&nbs
p; “How’d it go?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t show up.”
“You said you wanted to do it alone.”
“The one time you listen to me.”
Dane laughed. “So?”
“Want to grab some lunch? I’m kind of starving.”
“Yeah. I can swing by and meet you at the agency. I’m kind of nearby.”
“You are such a stalker,” Erika said.
“I am not,” Dane said, his voice echoing on the line.
Erika turned and closed her phone. Dane gave her a half smile and offered a hug. She fixed him with a mock withering look and nudged him in the arm.
“So, come on. How’d it go? What did they say?” he asked.
“Buy me lunch first.”
“You’re so needy,” Dane said and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
They ended up back near Erika and Renee’s apartment, eating sandwiches. Erika filled him in on the process.
“So they didn’t freak with the whole…alcohol thing?” Dane asked.
“Well, they weren’t exactly happy about it, but they said they could work with it.”
Dane took a bite and chewed for a long time. Finally, after swallowing and downing half his soda, he asked, “What happens next?”
“Well, they try to find someone who wants the baby, and then I meet them. And if I don’t like them, I don’t have to give them the baby. Arlene, that’s the woman I talked to, said I have to be completely at ease with the people I give the baby to.”
“Well, that’s a good thing, right?”
“Want to know the best part?”
“Sure.”
“The family pays for my bills. Doctors and tests and when I have the baby. I don’t have to pay for it.”
“To you, that would be the best part.”
Erika ignored his comment. For all his sweetness, he could still annoy her. A dull beep interrupted their silence. Erika pulled her phone from her pocket and read the message. Great! See you at home.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Just a text from Renee.”
“Oh. So when do you think you’ll hear something?”
“I don’t know. I hope soon. I have another doctor’s appointment soon.”
“You want company?”
“You have work and stuff.”
“I can get time off, Erika. You know that.”
“I don’t want to keep putting all this on you.”
“I don’t mind. It’s what friends are for.”
“I guess.”
Erika focused on her sandwich. All day, she’d been wondering about the baby’s father. The weeks where she’d most likely gotten pregnant were a definite blur, one that was probably never coming back into focus. She wanted to say something to Dane about it but couldn’t prove it to be true.
“Erika.”
“Hmm?”
“Did they ask you…about the father?”
Erika stopped mid-bite. Is he a mind reader now? All she could do was shake her head. She couldn’t even form words.
“Oh. I thought maybe they would have wanted to know stuff.”
Erika swallowed, nearly choking on the sandwich. “I don’t know who it is.”
Dane looked away and scratched his neck. “We…you know…”
“I know.”
“So I could be…”
“I don’t think so.”
“Erika, we didn’t use protection.”
“Yeah, but…it doesn’t work out right…the timing. Look, I have to go. I’m working the afternoon shift today, and I’m going to be late if I don’t run. Thanks for lunch.”
Erika grabbed her purse and jacket and left the sandwich shop, heading for the nearest T station, eager to get away from Dane. She didn’t want to talk about the father of her baby. It just made everything more complicated. She made it to work and clocked in just before her shift started. She pulled on her apron and checked which tables she’d been assigned. She spotted Jessa bent over a booth, cleaning supplies on the seat.
“Hey,” Erika said.
Jessa looked up. “Hey, stranger. Long time no see. Where’ve you been?”
“Things kind of got crazy. I uh…I’m pregnant.”
“For real?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, cool.”
“I’m giving it up for adoption.”
“Oh…well, that’s good.”
“Need some help?”
“Sure.”
Erika took the rag from Jessa and finished wiping down the table. She laid four place settings on the table and rearranged the ketchup and mustard bottles and the napkin dispenser.
“You’re being all OCD,” Jessa teased.
“Doing stuff keeps my mind off everything.”
“Well, that’s good to know, because it looks like you’ve got a big group over in your section.”
Erika looked over and saw Shannon sitting down with a man and three kids. Usually, Erika didn’t like waiting on people with small kids, but she figured Shannon was worth it. Erika weaved through the tables to their booth.
“Hi, I’m Erika. I’ll be your server today,” Erika said before Shannon could say anything.
“Hi,” the little girl sitting next to Shannon replied.
“Mike, this is Erika. She’s in my yoga class.”
“Nice to meet you,” Mike said.
“You, too. So, can I start you with some drinks?”
“Sure.”
“Mom, I want a Coke,” the older boy said.
“One glass, Chris.”
“Okay.”
“I want chocolate milk,” the little girl said.
“Me, too,” the youngest piped up.
“One Coke, two chocolate milks. And for you guys?” Erika said, looking at the adults.
“Water’s fine,” Shannon said.
“I’ll have the same,” Mike added.
“Great. I’ll be right back with those.”
Erika caught Shannon smiling as she rounded the booth and walked toward the kitchen. A few minutes later, she returned with extra packs of crayons.
“I thought you guys might want some extras,” she said and put the drinks on the table.
“Tanner, Meghan, what do you say?” Shannon prompted.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Erika took their orders and then stopped by to hand menus to a waiting couple. By the time the first hour of her shift ended, Erika was exhausted. She stopped by Shannon’s table just as the kids started to put on coats.
“I hope you guys have a great day,” Erika said.
“Bye,” Meghan said with a wave.
Mike took the kids up front to pay, leaving Erika and Shannon alone at the table.
“I didn’t know you worked here,” Shannon said.
“Yeah. I used to only on the weekends, but since I lost my other job, I had to pick up more shifts.”
“How’s your new apartment?”
“It’s good. Renee’s cool. And we hang out. I uh…I’ve got a lot of baby stuff going on. I decided to put the baby up for adoption.”
“That’s really brave,” Shannon said.
“Thanks.”
“Will we still see you at yoga?”
“Definitely. Renee doesn’t give me any excuse not to go. So I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“I look forward to it,” Shannon said and slid a folded up bill across the table.
Erika picked up the bill and unfolded it. Twenty dollars. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but it meant a hell of a lot to her. Erika tucked it away in her jeans. No way was she going to share that with her coworkers. She got home that evening to find Renee curled up on the couch, reading a book.
“How was work?” Erika asked.
“Good. You?”
“Yeah. I saw Shannon. She and her family stopped in for lunch. Her kids are really cute.”
Renee put her book down and scooted over so Erika could sit d
own.
“So everything went well with the adoption people?”
“Yeah. I should hear soon. I can’t believe it. This might actually work out. It’s the first good thing about this baby.”
“I told you things would be good,” Renee said.
“Yeah…you did.”
Renee glanced at the clock on the DVR and said, “I thought you had a meeting tonight.”
“I do. I just wanted to swing by and tell you.”
“I’ll be here when you get back. I want all the details.”
“We aren’t supposed to talk about what goes on,” Erika said.
“About the agency,” Renee said.
“Oh…right.”
Half an hour later, Erika walked into a church and down a hallway to an open door. She found a few people seated already. A good-looking guy pushed metal chairs into rows at the back of the room. She hadn’t seen him before. Then again, she’d only just started coming. She hadn’t even shared her story yet.
“Hi,” he greeted when he turned around.
“Uh…hi.”
Erika fiddled with her jacket and sat down in the back. She watched the cute guy finish setting up chairs. She kept watching him as he moved to talk to a couple of people in the front row. She checked the clock every five minutes—or so it seemed—until she felt a presence beside her. She looked over to see the cute guy sitting down.
“Hey again. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Nate,” he said and offered his hand.
“Erika. I’m…new.”
“Everyone has to start somewhere.”
“I guess so.”
“Have you shared?”
“Oh…no. I don’t think I’m ready.”
A handful more people filtered in as the clock struck the hour, and Nate got up. Erika buried her hands in her pockets and waited. Nate gave a brief introduction, and then a woman named Amy stood up. Twenty minutes later, half the group was in tears and wrapping Amy in soppy hugs of support. Amy finally sat down, and Nate looked around the small group. His gaze landed on Erika, and she could feel the color simultaneously rush to the tips of her ears and drain from her cheeks. Erika shook her head, but it made no difference. Nate weaved through the metal chairs and took her by the hand.
“No. I can’t. I’m not ready,” she protested in a whisper.
“You are ready. I promise. I’ll be sitting right in front. Just focus on me.”
