by Sarah Biglow
She moved to the front of the room, reluctant to let go of Nate’s hand, even though she wanted to punch him for dragging her up there. She shot him a sideways look as he detached his hand and sat directly in front of her. Erika wet her lips and focused on Nate.
“I’m Erika, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Erika,” a chorus of voices echoed.
She couldn’t help thinking it was so stereotypical of what she thought AA meetings were. She paused a moment before taking a breath and plunging into her story.
“I didn’t think I had a problem for a long time. I mean, I didn’t always drink. Not until college. But that’s kind of what everybody does. You want to fit in and stuff. I guess it started when some of my friends started going to lots of parties. I did it to hang with them. I liked it. A lot. And I guess I just started doing it because it made me feel better. When I failed a test, I drank. Even when good things happened, I drank. And I guess that’s how I got here. I had one too many and ended up sleeping with some guy I don’t even remember, and now I’m pregnant.”
Erika paused to catch her breath and swallowed to get moisture to her parched throat. The rest of the group sat transfixed and patient. She rubbed her palms on her jeans before continuing.
“I moved in with this new roommate, and we went out, and I knew I shouldn’t drink, but I did it anyway. And I realized I needed help. That’s why I’m here. I need help.”
Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes as she stood in front of a group of strangers, baring her soul. She wanted to hate Nate for making her talk, but she couldn’t. Somehow, talking about it freed her. The burden of what she’d done and waiting for an adoptive family weighed on her shoulders. But it was made a little lighter by admitting her faults.
“I think we can all understand where you’re coming from, Erika. I know I drank to be social at first. We are all here for you,” Nate said.
She nodded and flashed him a watery smile before slinking to the back row. The woman beside her gave Erika a firm hand squeeze. Erika lost track of time and other people’s stories. Finally, the last person had gone, and Nate said a quick blessing before the group disbanded. Erika stayed put but wasn’t surprised when Nate tapped her shoulder and nodded toward the back table with coffee.
“You did it,” he said.
“Guess I did. Thanks.”
He turned to pour two cups of coffee, and Erika watched him in profile. He had a strong jaw and sweet eyes. I can’t think about him like that. I don’t even know him.
“I hope we can be the support you need.”
“Me, too. Did you really used to drink just because other people did?”
“Absolutely. I was there with you. We all have our reasons to turn to drinking, but at the core, we’re not that different.”
“I really appreciate it.”
Erika took the cup he offered, complete with heart-melting smile, and their conversation turned to less emotionally charged topics.
17
October 14th
Shannon waited in the line of cars at school, scanning the crowd of kids as they walked out of the building. Finally, Christian and Meghan appeared. Christian ran around some younger kids and made it to the car before Meghan was even halfway up the hill.
“You’re in a hurry today,” Shannon said as he climbed into the front seat.
“Just happy to see you, Mom.”
She smiled and reached behind him to open the back door for Meghan.
“Hi, Mama,” Meghan said.
“Come on, buckle up, you two.”
Once she heard two clicks, Shannon pulled out of the line and sped out of the parking lot. Instead of going straight, she took a right and headed over to get Tanner.
“Where are we going, Mom?” Christian asked.
“To pick up your brother. I have a surprise for you guys.”
“What kind of surprise?” Meghan asked.
“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.”
She stopped at the end of the driveway and got out. After telling the kids to stay in the car, she made her way to the front door and knocked. She waited for a minute before it opened.
“Hi, Mrs. Atwater.”
“Hi. I know I’m a little early today, but is Tanner ready?”
“Sure. Please, come in.”
Shannon crossed the threshold and waited in the front hall. Tanner appeared moments later with his shoes on the wrong feet and giggling up a storm about it.
“Mama,” he called and tripped over his sneakers.
“Sit down, and Mama will put your shoes on the right feet.”
He plopped to his butt and let her swap the shoes. She straightened and took him by the hand.
“See you tomorrow, Tanner,” his sitter said.
“Bye.”
They walked down to the car, and Shannon opened the back door beside Meghan. “Meg, scoot over to the next seat. I don’t want Tanner in the road.”
Meg unbuckled her seat belt and crawled to the other seat. Shannon got Tanner strapped in, and they were off.
“What’s the surprise, Mama? Tell us,” Meghan begged.
“We’re getting a very special tour of the aquarium.”
“Special?” Christian repeated.
“Just us. Nobody else.”
“Fishes!” Tanner squealed.
Ten minutes later, Shannon unloaded the kids and led them inside The New England Aquarium. It was deserted except for three familiar faces. She waved to Renee and led the kids over.
“Guys, this is Renee. She works here at the aquarium.”
“Hi,” they replied.
“You guys have the entire place to yourselves for a whole half hour,” Renee explained.
She pointed out the different areas of the indoor portion.
“You can ask anyone in a blue shirt for help. But wait for your mom before you go outside, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Christian, please keep an eye on them.”
“Okay, Mom.”
He took his siblings by the hands and headed off toward the exotic fish display. Shannon joined the other women on the bench.
“Where’s Candace?” she asked Lisbeth.
“She had to work. She said to get her a stuffed fish from the gift shop, though. And honestly, I’m a little glad she couldn’t make it.”
“What do you mean?” Renee asked and leaned against the wall opposite them.
“Things have been a little tense since she brought up the idea of reducing to a single fetus.”
“Why would she do that?” Erika asked.
“She says she’s concerned about my health. She thinks a single fetus will have a higher chance of making it to term. And less chance of having any deficiencies that are more common with twin births.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to give up either of them. I mean…I don’t know a whole lot about the process, but I worry that if we got rid of one, it might jeopardize the other. Plus, Candace can’t have children. She was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome a few years ago. So it’s up to me to have these babies. But we have a meeting on the nineteenth with our doctor. We’ll see how it goes.”
“Good to see you again,” Shannon told Erika.
“You, too. Did they grow since last week?” Erika asked and nodded toward Shannon’s kids.
Shannon laughed. “I think Chris is going through a growth spurt. Or maybe he’s hitting puberty early.”
“How is he handling the idea having another baby in the house?” Renee asked.
“He was pretty upset at first. But he’s getting used to it. Plus, I told him that for a little while anyway, Meghan will want to help take care of the baby. It’s all still a little overwhelming. I took on more clients to put away some extra cash for when the baby comes. I’ll admit, it’s starting to take its toll.”
“Did you tell your husband?” Lisbeth asked.
“No. I hate fighting with him. And I know he doesn
’t always respect how I feel.”
“You need to talk to him,” Lisbeth said.
“I’ll find a way to make it work.” Shannon turned her attention to Renee. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay. I still miss him sometimes, but it’s less often now. And my parents have been really supportive.”
“So has her brother,” Erika added.
“Max is protective.”
“I hope I can make it through most of the school year,” Lisbeth groaned.
“When are you due?” Erika asked.
“Beginning of April, but I think they’ll probably take me earlier.”
“I can’t believe we’re all due in April. That’s going to be insane,” Renee said.
“We can be hospital buddies,” Lisbeth said.
Shannon looked toward the petting tank and watched Christian point to various marine life while Tanner tried to reach into the tank.
“Careful, you guys,” she reminded them.
“Erika, how are things going for you? You’ve been kind of quiet the last few weeks,” Lisbeth said.
“Oh, things are okay, I guess. I haven’t heard anything yet from the adoption agency. But I’m going to AA meetings twice a week. They’re helping, I think.”
“That’s great,” Shannon said.
“It’s still hard. I miss it a lot…like all the time. But I have to remember that it’s not just for me.”
“If you need one of us to go with you, please call,” Lisbeth assured her.
“Thanks.”
“Or if you need someone to talk to,” Shannon said.
“That’d be nice. But Renee’s great.”
“Thanks, hon.”
The kids raced toward them. “Mama, we want to see the penguins,” Meghan said.
“Is it all right if they see the penguins?” Shannon asked Renee.
“Yeah. Come on. I think they might even be feeding them.”
Tanner detached himself from his brother’s grip and gravitated like a magnet to Shannon’s leg. Meghan hopped to the other side.
“Tanner, you can hold Mama’s hand, but you have to let go of my leg. I can’t walk.”
“No. Don’t want to let go.”
She leaned down and picked him up under the armpits. Balancing him on her right hip, she took Meghan with her free hand.
“Mom, come on,” Christian called from the top of the ramp that led outside.
“We’re coming.”
They made their way outside and found Christian, Erika, and Lisbeth crowded around a small window near the blue penguin exhibit. Meghan ran up to stand beside her big brother, watching the tiny birds waddle down a little blue ramp and flop around in sand.
“How come they don’t look like regular penguins?” Christian said.
“These are blue penguins. They come all the way from Australia,” Renee explained.
“Are they babies?” Meghan asked.
“Nope. These are all grown-ups. After we finish building the new habitats for some of the other animals, the regular penguins will be back.”
“Tanner, can you see them?” Shannon asked.
One of the penguins turned and looked at them. It opened its beak and let out a shrill noise.
“It talked to me,” Meghan said.
“He’s saying hello,” Renee explained.
“How do you know it’s a boy penguin?” Christian interrupted.
“Most of them are.”
“Oh.”
“What else can we see?” Meghan said.
“If you want, we can go around to the other side of the tank and take a look at the seals and sea lions,” Renee said and looked down at Meghan.
“Can I, Mama? Please?”
“Sure.”
Renee led Meghan around to an open pool of water.
“I’m hungry, Mama,” Tanner said with the start of a whine in his voice.
“I know. We’re almost done.”
“Can we get something in the gift shop, Mom?” Christian asked.
“One thing each. And nothing over twenty-five dollars.”
“Okay.”
Fifteen minutes later, they stood in the gift shop, with Christian trying to supervise purchases. Unfortunately, his knowledge of money was limited.
“Mom, how much is this one?” he asked.
“That one says twenty-one dollars,” Erika interpreted.
“That’s less than twenty-five. Mom said we can’t get anything more than twenty-five.”
“You’re good, then.”
“What’s this one?” Meghan asked, waving a stuffed penguin chick at Erika.
“Meghan, you’re being a brat,” Christian said.
“Am not.”
Erika took the toy and read the price tag. “Sixteen dollars.”
“Is that okay?”
“Yes. Why don’t you go show your mom?”
Meghan took the penguin back, squishing it to her chest happily, and went in search of her mother. She found Shannon helping Tanner pick out refrigerator magnets and a postcard.
“I found this, Mama.”
Shannon checked the price tag. “Okay.” She turned in search of Christian. “Chris, come on. We’re leaving in five minutes.”
Footsteps clomped through the displays. Christian appeared and handed over a book on marine animals.
“Good choice,” Renee said and stepped behind the counter.
Three minutes later, they all walked out to their cars. The kids waved goodbye to Renee and climbed into their seats.
“We’ll see you on Wednesday,” Shannon said and slipped into the driver seat.
“Mama,” Meghan said when they were halfway home.
“Yes, sweetie?”
“How come we didn’t get anything for the baby?”
“We can come back another time and get something.”
“Really?”
“Maybe Daddy would like to come, too.”
“Okay.”
Meghan seemed content with the answer and went back to playing with her stuffed penguin. Shannon focused on the road, but in the very back of her mind, she couldn’t stop thinking about the baby. She’d tried to quiet her worries. She was raising three children already and had no problems. There was no reason this pregnancy should be any different the others. But something about this one is different. She pushed the concerns out of her mind when they pulled into the driveway. The kids clamored from their seats and raced inside. Shannon followed and found Christian sitting down on the couch and opening his book.
“Do you have homework?” she asked.
“Mom, can’t I just read a little bit? Please?”
“I don’t got homework,” Meghan interrupted.
Shannon just gave her daughter a small nod and turned back to Christian. “Chris, how much homework do you have?”
“Some math and reading.”
“The book will be here when you finish. Come on. Upstairs, and get it done. Just think, the faster you get your work done, the sooner you can read your new book.”
Christian groaned but put the book down and picked up his backpack. Shannon watched him trudge upstairs, taking every step like it pained him.
“Mama, play with me,” Meghan called.
“In a little while, sweetie. Mama has to get some work done.” Shannon leaned around the corner of the doorframe into the living room. “Why don’t you show Tanner your new penguin.”
Meghan didn’t look too pleased to have to share her new toy with her little brother, but Shannon knew she’d get over it. Shannon wound her way through the kitchen to the dining room and sat down at the computer. The screen glared at her and forced her to blink to clear her vision. She was tired. She’d been pushing herself hard the last week or so to meet deadlines. The girls were right, I need to tell Mike how I feel. But she couldn’t bring herself to disturb the status quo.
Shannon lost track of time. She hadn’t heard Christian come downstairs, but he moved around the kitchen table, setting plac
es without being asked when Mike got home.
“What’s for dinner?” Mike asked.
Shannon looked around the kitchen. “I’m guessing take-out. I forgot to take something from the freezer to thaw this morning.”
“What do you feel like?” Mike asked.
Two sets of footsteps thundered into the kitchen. “Pizza!” Meghan and Tanner cried in unison.
“We can do pizza,” Shannon said.
Christian immediately collected the forks and knives and put them away. He didn’t say anything about his homework or his new book.
“Daddy, we saw fish,” Tanner said, dancing around his father.
“You did?”
“Yeah. We saw starfish and all kinds of fish,” Christian added.
“And penguins,” Megan said, waving her stuffed penguin in the air.
“Sounds like you had a great time,” Mike replied and picked up the phone to call for dinner.
The kids rushed off to the living room to enjoy their new toys, leaving Shannon and Mike in the kitchen. After placing the call, Mike looked at her.
“What inspired the trip?”
“Renee, one of the girls from yoga, invited a group of us for a private tour of the aquarium. She works there.”
“That was nice of her.”
“Yeah. It was nice to see everyone outside of class.” She leaned on the back of a chair. “It sounds like we all have our ups and downs.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Renee’s boyfriend ran out on her a few weeks ago. And Erika’s struggling with a lot of problems. Alcohol addiction, giving her baby up for adoption.”
“Does she need anyone to negotiate an agreement?”
“I think she’s fine, but I can mention it on Wednesday.”
“We’re not having any ups and downs, are we?” he asked.
Shannon forced a smile. “No. We’re fine.”
“You’re sure.”
“Absolutely. Honey, we have three great kids. I had three great pregnancies. The doctor thinks everything is going fine.”
“Okay. If you say so.”
She nodded and waited for him to pick up his keys and go for dinner. He leaned over and kissed her before pulling his jacket back on.
“I’ll be back.”
“We’ll be here.”
