by Sarah Biglow
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
“We ready to go?” Renee interrupted.
“Would you relax, Nee? They’re not going to start eating without us.”
Ten minutes later, they piled into Max’s car and headed out. Erika watched the people racing along the sidewalks. They all looked so determined, as if they knew exactly where they were going and what they were doing. She wanted to feel that way, too. But it wouldn’t happen until she knew there was someone who would take her baby. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t register the car coming to a halt in a driveway.
“We’re here,” Dane prompted and nudged her in the shoulder.
Erika unbuckled her seatbelt and followed the others into a one-story house decorated with multicolored lights. An inflatable snowman waved in the wind on the front lawn. Renee’s mother greeted them.
“So good to have you,” she told Erika.
“Thanks for inviting me. This is my friend Dane,” Erika said.
“The more the merrier at Christmas. Please, come in. Would you like anything to drink?”
“No thank you,” Erika answered.
The inside of the house was as decorated as the outside. Strands of prickly green garland lined every windowsill and doorway. Erika wandered into the living room and stared in awe at the enormous tree. It sparkled with tinsel and lights. A blinking star adorned the very top.
“That’s huge,” she said.
“It was a pain getting it into the house,” Max said as he came up behind her. “Want the rest of the tour?”
“Sure.”
Max led her through the living room and into the dining room. The table sat prepared for six with two pristine white candles situated in the center. Rounding the corner to the kitchen, they walked into the smell of roasting meat and boiling potatoes.
“Mom loves making Christmas dinner,” Max confided as he eyed the huge bowl of salad on the counter.
“Well, it smells really good,” Erika said.
Max led her up the stairs to the second floor. As they passed a closed door, she wondered where Renee and Dane had disappeared to. She didn’t have to wonder long. Apparently, Renee had gotten the same idea and was showing Dane around.
“There you are,” Renee said as they met in the hallway.
“Just giving her the tour,” Max said.
“Why don’t we switch? I don’t really want to know what your room looks like,” Renee replied.
Erika giggled but followed Renee back down the hall into a spacious room with a yellow and green floral print on the wall. A queen-size bed stood pushed to one side.
“I’m guessing this was your room.”
“Yeah. Mom and Dad redid the wallpaper last year, but it’s basically the same as when I was little.”
Renee flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. Erika stayed quiet and looked around the room. Noting the old framed pictures on a shelf, she reached over to examine them. Three kids in swimsuits on the beach.
“Is this you?” Erika asked.
Renee sat up and held out her hand for the photo. Erika handed it over. Almost instantly, Renee’s face clouded with sadness and tears spilled, dripping off the end of her nose and chin.
“Yeah, it’s me, Max, and Alyssa.”
Erika wracked her brain for the reference. She knew that it meant something. Then it clicked.
“Your sister.” Renee nodded, and Erika sat beside her. “How old were you here?”
“I was fourteen. Alyssa was ten, and Max was nine.” Renee’s breath hitched, and she rubbed her eyes. “She was only nineteen when she died. She never finished school or got married or…”
Renee broke down sobbing, and Erika held her. She hadn’t meant to bring up such painful memories, but she’d been curious about the girl in the photo. They sat together in Renee’s old room until she stopped crying.
“Christmas time must be really hard on everyone,” Erika said.
“Mom and Dad try to act normal, but I know it kills them. Her birthday is pretty bad, too. But every year, it hurts a little less. We light the candles on the table at dinner, one for her and one for Christ.”
“I like that.”
“Knock, knock,” Max called and walked in.
“Hi. Dinner ready?” Renee asked.
“Yeah. You all right?”
“Yeah. Just…talking about Alyssa. You remember that summer?” Renee answered, showing him the picture.
“Yeah. I remember you dumped sand down my bathing suit every day. And Alyssa buried me just when the tide was coming in.”
“She thought it was pretty funny.”
“Of course she did. She loved picking on me.”
“We both did. I still do. Now, come on. Let’s eat.”
They headed back to the dining room. There was barely enough room on the table for the plates. Erika sat next to Dane. He took her hand under the table, and she could feel her cheeks flush. Renee and Max squeezed in opposite them. After a quick grace, Mr. Blackwell lit the two candles. Erika said a little prayer for Alyssa.
“So, how are you doing, honey?” Mrs. Blackwell asked Renee.
“Fine, Mom.”
“Our little granddaughter is healthy?”
“Yes, Mom. She’s just fine. In fact, she’s perfect.”
“You think of a name yet?” Max prodded.
“Maybe. But I want to keep it to myself for now.”
“You’re going to name her something like Pumpkin or Carrot, aren’t you?” he said.
Max grimaced, and Erika guessed Renee had kicked him in the shin. She smiled behind a spoonful of mashed potatoes.
“How about you, Erika? How are things with you?”
“They’re going. No news lately from the adoption agency. I just have to be patient.”
As if on cue, Erika’s phone rang in her purse. She blushed in embarrassment but darted to the kitchen to answer it. She pulled it out and nearly dropped the phone. Arlene’s name flashed on the Caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Erika, it’s Arlene.”
“Hi.”
“I hope this isn’t a bad time.”
“No. It’s not. Not at all.”
“Good. I have some news.”
Erika grabbed the countertop for support. “Yeah?”
“We’ve found another couple who wants to meet you. They’re going to have to do it after the New Year.”
“Are they nice?”
“Yes. They asked me to pass along their e-mail address so you can contact them before you meet. They’re traveling right now, so that’s the best way to reach them.”
“I can stop by the office tomorrow.”
“I’ve already e-mailed you their contact information.”
“Oh, great.”
“We’ll talk more in January about setting up a meeting.”
“Okay. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas. Have a good night.”
Erika hung up and failed to contain a yelp of excitement. She turned, and everyone at the table stared at her.
“They found another couple who wants to adopt the baby. They want to get in touch with me before we meet.”
Dane leapt to his feet and threw his arms around her. She let him squeeze all the air out of her. It helped bring her down off her high.
“That’s wonderful,” Mrs. Blackwell said.
“Erika, that’s amazing. It’s like…the ultimate Christmas present,” Renee said.
“More like a miracle.”
Erika took several breaths to calm her nerves. She sat down and finished the rest of her meal. She spent the remainder of the night walking around on cloud nine. Something about this couple just felt different. They wanted to talk to her first. Deep down, she knew they were going to be the right people to raise her baby. That night, she curled up in bed and drifted off to sleep, Dane’s arms wrapped around her. Everything was falling into place.
25
January 8th
Shannon paced her bedroom. She could hear the voices downstairs filtering up from the living room. Her closest friends gathered for her baby shower, and she was terrified. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been expecting one. Of course she had. It’s what one does when expecting. But the thought of facing all of her friends and accepting their gifts had increased her stress level since Christmas. They still hadn’t gotten the old crib down from the attic or the changing table. She couldn’t do it on her own, so not waiting for Mike wasn’t an option. Mike still had no clue how much the pregnancy skyrocketed her stress level. Not to mention her blood pressure.
“Honey? You still up here?” Mike called and appeared in the doorway.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” she answered without looking at him.
She stopped pacing and stood in front of the mirror. Their little boy was growing every day and with it, her anxiety over how they were going to take care of him.
“Everyone’s waiting, Shan.”
“I know. I said I’d be right down.”
A shadow of hurt fell over his face, and she tried to give him an apologetic look. It didn’t help. He stormed off, and each footfall on the stairs echoed his annoyance. Shannon took one last look at her reflection before making her way downstairs. Ten women sat in the living room, each with a brightly wrapped gift. She gave each of them a smile and a fast hug before sitting in the center.
“Here, Mama,” Meghan said, handing her a cup of juice.
“Thank you, sweetie.”
Meghan raced off into the dining room, where Christian and Tanner were coloring and doing homework.
“You look amazing, Shannon,” Eleanor, an old college friend, said.
“Thanks. How are your kids doing?” Shannon asked.
“Oh, they’re fine. Have you decided on a name yet?”
“No, not yet.”
To cut off the conversation, Shannon took the first present and made a show of shaking it. Her friends laughed as she carefully removed the paper. Diapers with little blue rattles on the front.
“They’re reusable,” one of the women said.
“That’s great. Thanks so much.”
Halfway through the gathering, Shannon sat surrounded by new bottles, two more packages of reusable diapers, and some clothes. She was about to take Eleanor’s gift, when she felt a firm kick to her kidney. Shannon grimaced and pressed her hand against her side.
“Baby moving?” Mike asked from behind her.
“Kidney shot.” She winced again. “He’s never been this active before.”
“I bet he’s excited for all the presents,” Eleanor replied.
Shannon forced a smile, took several deep breaths, and massaged her stomach. Once the feeling subsided, she unwrapped Eleanor’s gift: two sets of baby utensils.
“Thanks so much,” Shannon said and showed the gift off.
Her friends grinned back at her, and Shannon forced herself to get through the rest of the presents before she couldn’t stand it anymore. She went the long way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. She sucked it down in two big gulps and refilled it. Throbbing pulsations on her optic nerve blurred Shannon’s vision, but it dissipated as quickly as it had come. She sank into a chair and held her head in her hands. Everyone was expecting her to be thrilled about this major change in her life, and here she was, sobbing in the kitchen.
“Are you okay, Mom?” Christian asked.
Shannon looked up and gave her son a watery smile.
“I’m just a little tired, honey. And the baby’s moving a lot.”
Christian pulled a chair up next to her and sat down. “You’re crying.”
Shannon wiped the dampness away with a quick brush of her fingertips. “I have a headache.”
He held her hand while she tried to regain her composure. “Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Does the baby make you sad sometimes?”
“What do you mean?”
“He makes me sad sometimes.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. But it’s okay. I won’t tell Daddy.”
“Won’t tell me what?” Mike asked.
“It’s nothing, Mike.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Shannon bit her tongue. She couldn’t keep lying to him…or herself. “No, I’m not. I’m exhausted, and I think everyone needs to leave right now.”
“What? They’re our guests, Shannon.” He looked to Christian and said, “Go watch your brother and sister, please.”
“What aren’t you telling me?” he demanded once Christian was out of the room.
“We aren’t prepared for this, Mike. Where are we going to put the baby?”
“I know the other kids had their own nursery, but he can sleep in our room.”
“That’s fine while he’s young, but once he starts sleeping in a crib, he’ll need his own room. We don’t have the space for that.”
“We’ll figure something out.”
“Mike, when have you ever known me not to have a plan in place.”
“We shouldn’t be talking about this now. You should go back in there and spend time with your friends.”
“I can’t, Mike. I’ve kept this to myself for too long. This is something we need to talk about now, not later.”
Shannon got to her feet and left Mike standing in the kitchen. She returned to her guests and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry to do this, but I need to cut this short. I’m not feeling very well.”
Most of the group gave her sympathetic looks and wished her well. Eleanor stayed after everyone else had left.
“What’s really wrong, Shannon?”
“I’ll be fine. I just have to rest for a while.”
“I think I know you better than that.”
Shannon bit her lip. “We have some things to take care of as a family. Things that we’ve been putting off for a while.”
“Okay. Well, you call me if you need anything. And I mean anything.”
“Thanks. I will.”
Shannon walked Eleanor to the door and said her goodbyes. She could hear Mike telling the kids to go play in their rooms because Mama and Daddy had to talk about grown-up things. Shannon waited until she heard footsteps on the stairs before she let go of the doorknob and walked back into the living room. She gathered up the bits of wrapping paper and threw them out. Mike stood motionless in the dining room, his fingers drumming on a plastic cup.
“Well?” he said once she stopped stalling.
Shannon sat down at the table and stared at her hands. “I want you to understand something,” she said.
“I’m listening.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t want this baby.”
“Why the hell would I think that?”
“Because I know you, and you probably thought about it early on. But let’s be honest. I don’t know how we’re going to support him, Mike. We aren’t going to have enough room for long. He’s going to need his own space. And we can’t put him in with Tanner or Christian. And there’s no way he can share a room with Meghan.”
“Shannon, we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay. So let’s figure it out. Right now. Do we have the money to buy a new house? Hire a moving company? What about your commute to the office? Are you willing to extend it if we can’t find something nearby?”
“Who said we have to move?”
“We have four bedrooms in this house. And we need five. There isn’t enough room.”
“So we put on an addition. We can get a loan from the bank.”
Shannon gritted her teeth and tried to calm down, taking slow, meditative breaths that did little to loosen her nerves. “It’s really that easy for you, isn’t it?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What if an addition isn’t feasible? What if we have no choice but to move? That’s going to screw up the kids’ school. It wouldn’t be
fair to them.”
“Kids move all the time,” he said.
“What about my job?”
“What about it, Shannon? You work from home as it is. You can still work with the baby. The other kids will be in school full-time.”
“I took on more clients because I knew you wouldn’t. I did it because I knew someone had to get more income. But why couldn’t you have taken on more clients? Why can’t you take time off work to be with the baby? I’ve had to take time off with all the kids. You didn’t.”
“You want me to take time off? Fine, I will,” he said.
Shannon stood up and turned away. This wasn’t going well at all. She was expected to sacrifice her time for this child. And she knew his offer to stay home was merely to appease her. This time, it wasn’t going to work. Storming out of the room, she grabbed her car keys, slipped on a coat, and yanked the front door open.
“Where are you going?” Mike shouted.
“Out.”
Shannon drove around for what felt like hours with no idea where she was going. It didn’t matter. She just needed to get out and away for a while. Finally, she fished her phone from her purse and hit number eight on her speed dial. It rang three times before someone answered.
“Hello?”
“Candace? It’s Shannon Atwater.”
“Oh, hi. Lisbeth’s in the shower right now.”
“I was kind of hoping I could stop by if you two weren’t busy.”
“Sure.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“Do you need directions?”
“No, I think I can find it.”
Shannon hung up and pulled into the right lane. Weaving through traffic until she spotted the far edge of the Common, she knew she was close. At the corner of Tremont and Boylston, she spotted a sign for parking up past the UPS store and turned left. After handing over a twenty for parking, Shannon climbed out of her car and walked half a block to Lisbeth’s building. She stopped at the front desk, and they let her go up. Candace opened the door before Shannon could knock.
“Come on in.”
“Thanks.”
Shannon crossed the threshold, and Lisbeth met her with a cup of tea. “Candace said you sounded like you needed it.”
Shannon sank to the couch and clutched the cup of tea to warm herself. “Things just sort of blew up at home.”
