Dreaming Awake

by Gwen Hayes

  The conversation had me wondering if there were hidden cameras in the hall. I’d never been invited to a sneetch gathering. Why would they start now? “Er . . .”

  “She’s busy.” Haden finished for me as he slid his arm around my shoulder.

  “But if I can stop by for a few minutes, maybe I will.” I sent the sneetch a bright smile even as I felt the heat from Haden rising.

  The boy smiled like I’d just given him a birthday cake. “That would be great.” After a quick look at Haden, he offered, “You can come too, man.”

  Haden gave him a clipped nod, and as they walked away, he spun me around to look at him. “What the hell are you doing? Do you think that’s funny?”

  The sharp tone of his words slapped me. Before I could respond, he murmured something about forgetting a book and he left. Though he walked away, the sting of his jealousy remained, wrapping around me like a barbed vine.

  Little needles of emotion filled my throat, but I couldn’t let them out. I didn’t want to cry, not in the hallway. Anger replaced my hurt feelings, and as my temper rose, so did my awareness. I stood in the sea of students, each of them shining with a slightly varied aura of color, and the more upset I got, the more vibrant their shades became. Sharp knives of hunger stabbed my insides. I drew in shaky breaths, counting to ten, and tried to ease the emotions rolling around inside of me at boiling point. I had to get myself under control before I became like the monster who made me.

  * * *

  Haden had made no attempt to see or call me to apologize for being such—what would Donny have called him?—an asshat. I got tired of waiting for him and decided to walk to Hootenany’s. I realized, of course, that I had no business going. I wasn’t friends with the sneetches and it made Haden jealous that the boy, whose name I’d figured out from a yearbook to be Pete Miller, had invited me. But I decided that I wasn’t going to let my relationship with Haden resemble the one I used to have with my father. I could decide on my own where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be friends with.

  Hootenany’s was a restaurant/pub where all the popular kids hung out doing whatever it was the popular kids did. Maybe it was pretty much the same as what I did with my friends—well, aside from casting spells and summoning demons. When I pulled open the door to their hangout, I was so nervous it made me . . . giddy. Who would have thought that I would ever be brave enough to face the sneetch lair on my own?

  The music was loud and very Top 40. Happy-people music, I supposed. I wandered in, suddenly unsure that it had been such a great idea. What was I to do, walk up to a table and introduce myself? I felt small. Smaller than small. What on earth was I doing there? I didn’t belong with those kids. I was making up my mind to leave when I heard my name.

  Pete nearly knocked over a waitress carrying a tray of drinks to get to me. “You came!”

  I smiled at his enthusiasm, relieved to see a friendly face. “How was the game?”

  “We won!” He smiled and I heard my name again.

  Mike and a friend joined us. “You look pretty,” Mike said.

  I smiled, accepting the compliment awkwardly. I hadn’t worn anything special and my hair was as disobedient as usual. I certainly didn’t feel pretty. The other boys nodded earnestly in agreement, though, which made me feel strange.

  Someone handed me lemonade and Pete got us all a table. They were all amusing, or at least trying to be, and I began to relax and eventually even had fun. People stopped at our table every now and then and the atmosphere seemed miles away from all the angst I’d been getting so accustomed to in my real life.

  “The soccer team had to forfeit a game today,” Pete told me.

  “Why?”

  “A bunch of them missed school so they didn’t have enough players. I think it’s the flu,” one boy said.

  Pete shrugged. “I heard it was food poisoning. They all ate at the same restaurant on the bus ride home from their last away game. Coach told us we all have to bring sack lunches for the rest of the year for our away games, just in case. We’re too close to the championship to chance it.” Pete pulled a small flask from his pocket. “Can I freshen your drink for you, Theia?”

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Vodka. It makes the lemonade much better, trust me.” Without waiting for me to agree, he poured some into my glass.

  “What if we get caught?” I was pretty sure the whole baseball team was in the restaurant. Weren’t they worried about the championship too?

  “Relax,” Pete assured me. “We do this all the time. If you don’t want it, I’ll get you another lemonade. Or whatever else you want. I’m not trying to pressure you.”

  Maybe he wasn’t, but I sort of felt pressured anyway. “No, it’s okay.”

  I sipped it slowly. I have to admit, the little rebellion felt fun.

  While the boy sneetches were all proving to be friendlier than I had given them credit for, the girls at Hootenany’s remained aloof and snobby, sending me barely concealed looks of annoyance. Well, too bad. I was enjoying myself and I really didn’t care whether they liked it or not.

  After another lemonade, more boys squished into the round booth. They were all so genuinely curious, asking me so many questions about everything but my disappearance, the time seemed to fly. They wanted to know my favorite sports, colors, food, and then one asked what was it that made girls go crazy for Haden Black.

  A hush fell over the table as they all leaned in, eager to hear my wisdom. I thought for a moment before I spoke. “He’s handsome. And charming. As are all of you, of course,” I said, trying to be diplomatic.

  Each boy smiled, a light pink tingeing his cheeks. And then they wanted more from me, shouldering each other aside to hear me better. I wasn’t used to all the rapt attention. I tipped back my glass to give myself more time, and more liquid courage, and then coughed, as the content in the bottom of my glass was far more potent than the rest of the lemonade had been.

  “But seriously,” Pete said, leaning closer, patting my back. “What’s his secret?”

  “His secret?” I repeated, again stalling for time. I couldn’t tell them that Haden had the Lure, a special demon trait he was born with that made him attractive to humans. And even that wasn’t what had drawn me to him—the Lure actually repelled me from the start. I’d always been immune to his demon power . . . so what was it that had made me fall so hard so fast?

  From our first meeting, Haden had unsettled me—no, he’d awakened me. He was exciting and dangerous, but at the same time protective and chivalrous. The desire between us grew more every day, and it was a robust and vital thing that often seemed to take on a life of its own. But to me, Haden was so much more than the way he looked or the way he charmed and seduced. He was vulnerable in ways that most people never saw; he’d been the loneliest person I’d ever met.

  We’d known instantly that despite our many differences, we shared a sameness as well.

  “C’mon, Theia, don’t hold out on us. . . . What’s Haden Black’s secret?” another boy asked.

  “It’s . . . a mystery,” I answered.

  Pete rolled his eyes. “At least tell us where he gets his cologne. Because I think even the Old Spice Guy would switch if he heard how the girls went on and on about how good he smells.”

  “It’s not Axe,” one boy offered.

  “No shit,” another answered.

  “I heard he gets it from France.”

  As they continued to argue about what the girls at school possibly saw in Haden, I began to feel a little lost. I hated the way Haden and I had left things. I missed him. Even worse, I felt awful that I had suspected him of being capable of draining Brittany’s essence. Of course he would never do that. He’d already told me he didn’t need to feed to survive. I’d let my jealousy get the best of me. I obviously needed to get a better handle on my emotions.

  As I sat there, thinking about him, I began to really miss him. I wanted him. A new need clawed its way to the surface. I was done wa
iting. What exactly had I been waiting for anyway? We loved each other and it was time to take the next step in our relationship. Emboldened further by my spiked drink, I decided to do something about it.

  I declined another “refresh” of my drink, but it took a while to get out of the restaurant. I got stopped several times on my way to the door with offers of rides home, a few welcome backs, and two boys who wanted me to watch them arm-wrestle. Honestly, they made me feel like I was some kind of celebrity or something.

  The fresh air felt good when I finally got outside. I wasn’t drunk—at least I didn’t think I was. I’d had alcohol only one other time and it had made me dizzy and then sick. I didn’t feel like that this time. I felt . . . a little wicked, though.

  As I walked the dark streets of Serendipity Falls, I realized I wasn’t afraid. That was probably stupid and I wondered if maybe that was a symptom of the vodka after all. I should have taken a ride home, but as I meandered through town I felt emboldened when I realized that I was one of the frightening things in the dark now.

  Haden’s bedroom light was on, but the rest of the house was dark. How long had I been at Hootenany’s? I checked my clock. It was only nine. I had left a note for my father on my pillow, in case he happened to check on me when he got home. I didn’t hold out much hope for that. He would assume I was safely tucked away in bed. I think he thought I wouldn’t run away again if I had no rules at all. Either that or he just really no longer cared.

  I pushed that thought away and tapped on Haden’s window.

  His face was scrunched in annoyance as he pulled up his blinds and peered out through the glass. When he saw it was me, annoyance turned to confusion. He slid the window open. “Theia, what are you doing here?”

  “Help me up,” I answered, tucking my phone into my jeans pocket.

  “Is something wrong with the door?” he asked as he leaned out and pulled me through as if I weighed nothing.

  “I didn’t want to wake Varnie.”

  He set me on my feet and I looped my arms around his neck. “I missed you.”

  “Have you been drinking?” He pulled back to look me in the eyes. “What is going on?”

  I waved my hand. “Just one. It’s not a big deal.”

  His eyebrows arched incredulously. “Just one? Not a big deal? What exactly is going on? The Theia I know doesn’t drink or sneak out of her house, and she would never tap on people’s windows in the middle of the night.”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s nine o’clock. It’s the middle of the night only if you’re seventy. Relax, I had one drink and I’m fine. I just missed you. You’re my boyfriend, after all. And the last time I saw you, you yelled at me. I came here to make up.” I poked my finger into his chest. “Even though you are the one who should be making up with me.”

  He angled his chin to send me one of his formidable don’t-mess-with-the-demon looks. “Theia,” he warned.

  Instead of being chastened like he expected, I giggled. “Aren’t you at least a little happy to see me?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like that you’ve been drinking.”

  “That’s very hypocritical of you. You drink.” I had my hands on my hips like we were confronting each other on the playground and it was my turn for the swing. I felt a little foolish, actually. I’d been hoping for a warmer welcome.

  “I’m quite a bit older than you, if you recall. Besides, this isn’t about me. This is about you doing things out of character.” He pried my hands off my hips and shook them gently to loosen me up. “You’re being a little defensive right now.”

  I slipped from his grasp. “And you’re being a little condescending right now.”

  He leaned against his dresser and tunneled his hands through his hair. “Let’s start over, okay? I am, of course, happy to see you. I’m always happy to see you.”

  I realized I was pouting, so I relaxed my mouth just as I noticed a smile playing on his lips. “What?”

  “You’re adorable.”

  I groaned inwardly. “Stop being charming. I’m mad at you.”

  He took a step towards me. “I’m sorry.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”

  “Not exactly, but I assume it’s the best way to get you to stop being mad at me.” He took another step. “I don’t want to fight. And I’m sorry, really I am. I shouldn’t have snapped at you in the hallway today.” His arm snaked around my waist, his fingers pressing into my back. “Forgive me?”

  Hopeless. When he touched me, I was completely in his thrall. “I don’t know. If I forgive you, what will we do instead of fight?”

  “I’m sure we can find something to pass the time.” His eyes darkened even more and my belly fluttered at his words.

  He began at my shoulder and trailed soft kisses up the line of my neck and to my jawbone. I wanted . . . no, I needed Haden with a yearning so ferocious it scared me. It felt like he’d struck a match inside me and burned away everything that wasn’t him. I clutched him tightly, afraid that if I let go I’d fall off the world.

  The yearning had a will of its own and I trembled with its ache. I had no reserve of control left. I wanted to surrender completely to desire, to Haden. The roaring of my heartbeat filled my ears as I let my body brush more firmly against his.

  Every cell blossomed with longing; there wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t aware of him. I craved Haden like oxygen, wanted him closer. I felt the searing brand of his lips and knew he touched my soul with them. We tumbled onto his bed, a jumble of arms and legs and lips. I just couldn’t get close enough.

  “Theia, stop.”

  I heard him, on some level, but not one that I heeded.

  “Theia.” Haden held my wrists together between us with one strong hand. His chest was heaving and his lips were swollen and stained pink. Mine must have looked the same. They felt so tender. Vulnerable. “We can’t.”

  The words sounded as if they’d been torn from him.

  “Why? Haden, why? Are you worried that I don’t want to?”

  “No.” He laughed a little then, sitting up. “You’re pretty clear about your signals right now.”

  I should have been embarrassed, but wasn’t. “Then why?” He still grasped my wrists, so I curled up onto my knees and leaned towards him. “I want to. I’m not even scared.” Well, okay, a little scared.

  He groaned. “You’re making this very difficult.”

  “Good.” I tried to reach for a kiss, but he held me away.

  The rejection felt like a blow to my chest. I eased back onto my calves, looking at him as the haze of desire cleared. “You don’t want me?” I whispered.

  Haden cut me off with a forceful kiss, stealing my breath. When he stopped, he rested his forehead to mine. “I never don’t want you. I swear. I wanted you even when I couldn’t remember who you were. Amnesia couldn’t keep me from recognizing that you are the other half of me—nothing will ever make me not crave you.”

  We stayed like that for a moment. As in the past, I felt my heart skip and then resume a new rhythm, one that matched his. We both felt it. Our hearts synced in beat and yet I couldn’t get close enough to him.

  “Why can’t we? Haven’t we been through enough trials? Nothing is promised to us, Haden. We need to take happiness where we can get it.”

  Tomorrow might be too late. A shadow might steal the light.

  The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I can’t make love to you, Theia. Not like this, and not now.”

  “What is standing between us now? You risked your life to save me.”

  He traced his finger down my cheek. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten your sacrifice.”

  “Then what? What’s keeping us apart now?”

  “You’re an innocent.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I took a blood oath with a mare demon. I have demon blood inside me now. That book Amelia used didn’t think I was innocent.”

  “But you are.” His voice lowered. “You ar
en’t a demon, not really; you’ve only been poisoned by one. But I am, and you are an . . . innocent.”

  A blush heated my skin and my cheeks felt too warm. Whatever words were coming next he didn’t want to say and I certainly didn’t want to hear.

  Haden squeezed my hands. “If a demon takes a virgin . . .”

  I couldn’t look at him.

  He let go of my hands and cupped my chin, bringing my gaze back to his. “If I take your virginity—” He bit off his words, though I hadn’t stopped him.

  “What? Is this like when you didn’t want me to touch you, but when I did everything turned out fine?”

  “Every time we touch, we get closer to the edge, and that is anything but fine.” Haden rolled onto his back, raking his hands through his hair, disheveling the deep brown waves into an even more tempting state. “It’s a ritual sacrifice when a demon and a virgin . . . It’s not usually consensual.”

  “Okay, not usually, but for us, it is.” It’s not like I would fight him off.

  “That doesn’t matter. It’s not the consent that is of importance to the ritual—it’s the innocence.”

  I let his words drift over me, unable to make sense of them. It seemed so ludicrous to me. I had to fight to control my urges to eat mortal souls, but I was innocent somehow. And once again I was reminded of his sacrifice.

  “If you had stayed human, we could have been together, couldn’t we?”

  “If I had stayed human, I couldn’t have saved you, love.”

  I pushed off the bed, the need to move overwhelming. “All you ever wanted was to be completely human, to get rid of your demon half. Because of me, you had to take it back.”

  He blocked my pacing. “That was what I wanted before you. As soon as I laid eyes on you, you were all I wanted.”

  I shrugged. “So now you can’t have either? What happens if we do it anyway?”

  “I would go through a rite of passage of sorts, only instead of becoming a man, I’d become a beast, which may or may not be physical change. I would lose my grip on my humanity, maybe completely. I’d be more like Mara.”