Though My Heart Is Torn

by Joanne Bischof

  His gaze soft, Reverend Gardner peered at them. “You’re doing the right thing. God has many blessings in store for you both.”

  As much as Gideon wanted to believe him, he couldn’t. How could God have any role in this? It was Gideon’s mistakes and his alone that had placed him here. Was God even watching? Did He know what was about to happen? Obviously not or He would put a stop to this. Not for his sake—of that he was certain. But surely God cared about Lonnie and Jacob. His frustrations mounting, Gideon glared at the reverend.

  The man in black rose. He pulled his chair from behind the desk and set it with a thud in front of them. “Take Lonnie’s hand.”

  When Gideon hesitated, Reverend Gardner tipped his head, a silent signal that it was all right. Gideon slid his hand over Lonnie’s, and their fingers interlocked.

  “There has been something missing in all this, and I don’t blame Reverend Brown … I blame myself.” The stout man placed a cool hand over theirs and gave a firm squeeze. “Will you bow your heads with me?” He removed his glasses and set them on his knee. Closing his eyes, he bowed his head.

  Lonnie and Gideon exchanged glances, and when she bowed her head, Gideon followed suit. The reverend closed his eyes. With quick fingers, Gideon slid the ring in Lonnie’s apron pocket. He heard her breath catch.

  “We come before You, Heavenly Father.” The reverend paused.

  Gideon glanced up.

  Reverend Gardner wiped a bead of sweat from his wrinkled brow and ran his palm across his leg. Then Gideon saw an emotion he did not expect. The man looked dismayed. After clearing his throat, he began again. “We come before You, Heavenly Father, to ask forgiveness for our sins. Our transgressions have been many.”

  Rain plopped into the bucket. Drip. Drop.

  “I pray their hearts will be comforted as they go their separate ways. Keep Lonnie safe in her travels, and may Jacob grow up to be healthy and strong. Heal Gideon’s hurt as he takes the hand of his new wife, his other.” Reverend Gardner stumbled.

  A slight gasp escaped Lonnie’s lips as she choked back her tears.

  The reverend paused, and when she righted herself, he continued. “There is no pretending that deep sorrow does not lie ahead for both of these young people. Remind their hearts that time on earth is fleeting and it is not this life that will keep them, but their faith in Your Son that will hold them fast for eternity. Finally”—Reverend Gardner sighed and shifted his feet—“restore their joy. The joy that comes only from You. May You fill their hearts with Your love and peace as they heal.” His voice grew faint. “For it is the only way … there is no other way.”

  With his whispered “Amen,” Gideon lifted his eyes. Lonnie was weeping. It took everything he had to keep his own tears in check. He lifted her hand and pressed his lips to the inside of her fingers.

  “I would like to drive Lonnie back home. Gideon, will you please wait here for my return? We have much to discuss.”

  Gideon had not realized he’d nodded until Lonnie tugged her hand from his. He started to stand.

  “Please don’t,” she whispered as she rose, her eyes like wet river stones. “Please.”

  He wanted to shout for her to stop, but bit his tongue as hard as he could. She stepped away and, with her back to him, squared her slender shoulders and bravely strode down the aisle. Gideon watched in dismay as she slid through the doors. With a dip of her head, she stepped from the church.

  As the wagon swayed and the seat creaked, Lonnie wiped her eyes and looked at the reverend as he climbed up beside her. His face was somber. “I’m sorry it must end this way.” He let out a heavy sigh and flicked the reins. The wagon jolted forward, seat bouncing on its springs. Lonnie clung to the weathered wood.

  She longed to glance over her shoulder to see if Gideon had followed them outside. Unable to resist the urge, she looked back at the open church door. She saw nothing other than the peeling paint of the empty doorframe.

  “Like you said,” she whispered. Fresh tears made their way to her eyes. “There is no other way.”

  Reverend Gardner nodded. Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulled out a folded letter and handed it to Lonnie. “A copy of the annulment.” When she hesitated, he continued. “Since you have a child, I felt it necessary for you to have proper documentation of your marriage to Gideon.” He shook his head from side to side, indicating that the matter hung heavy on his heart. “You have done nothing wrong, Lonnie. I don’t want you to suffer for—” He fell silent, but she heard his unspoken words.

  Gideon’s mistakes. Lonnie slowly took the paper. “Thank you.”

  “I will take you home to collect your things. Gideon mentioned that you will be returning to the home of Jebediah Bennett. Is that so?”

  Keeping her gaze on the folded paper, she nodded. “I can’t stay here.” She would go home to Jebediah and Elsie. That was where she belonged.

  With a sigh, the reverend continued. “That is what I suspected. This morning, I spoke to your aunt Sarah, and she will drive you as far as the pass. There, Mr. Bennett will meet you and escort you home.”

  Lonnie’s mouth fell open. “Jebediah? Meet me … but how?”

  The reverend’s small eyes found hers. “Gideon planned it. He wrote a letter to Mr. Bennett, day before yesterday—”

  “Two days ago?”

  Somberly, Reverend Gardner nodded. “Though Gideon was clearly clinging to hope, there must have been a part of him that wanted to take precautions.”

  She had always been the sensible one. Gideon, so unruly and untamed. Yet even in these last moments, he surprised her. Lonnie gripped her apron so tight, her knuckles whitened. Though he’d tried to persuade her, deep down he must have known that she would refuse. Her heart broke afresh.

  “I commissioned a young man who has recently devoted his life to the church. He—that is, Reverend McKee—has hopefully delivered the letter by now. If not this very moment. Do you feel confident that Mr. Bennett will respond?”

  “Oh,” Lonnie sighed, eyes burning. “Jebediah will.” He would be there. Of that she was certain. Come rain or snowstorm, he would be waiting. She wrapped her arms around herself. Homesick.

  Reverend Gardner tipped his head to the side. “Gideon said as much. He was most insistent that a familiar face and safe escort were in order. We all wanted to do whatever we could to help ease your journey home.” Kind eyes landed on Lonnie. “You have enough to worry about.”

  Overwhelmed, Lonnie could hardly speak. The reverend drove on in silence. When a lone sunbeam broke through grim clouds, he lifted his face to the light. Lonnie followed his lead. She closed her eyes and savored the warmth on her skin.

  When the sun disappeared back behind the gray mass of clouds, she instantly felt the chill of loneliness. Glancing sideways at the reverend, she knew she had to ask him the question that hung heavy around her heart. If she didn’t, she would always wonder. Doubting she could form the words, Lonnie moistened her lips. There was no going back. She needed to know.

  “For Gideon,” she began. “And Cassie, I mean. When will he … When will they …”

  The reverend slowly nodded, the understanding in his round face genuine. “I’ll bring Cassie to the church today. Though their marriage is still valid, we thought it best to verify and renew those vows. I feel it’s best to finalize what must be done and bring this to an end. It is the only way for healing to begin.”

  Lonnie’s chin quivered, but she forced a nod. “It is the only way.” Like bark being torn from a young sapling, she would be separated from the only man she loved. When drawing breath became a struggle, she tilted her face to the tempest above.

  Gideon will marry Cassie. And I will go home.

  The pain of her loss throbbed through her core. Grief stretched itself into every limb of her body. It bound its powerful hands around her throat and draped an unwelcome weight over her lungs. Lonnie blinked, hoping the fall breeze would dry her eyes. Gideon was gone. He was no longer hers. Oh, God, she c
ried out as the black cloak of sorrow covered her heart. Will You see me through this?

  “I’ll be right back,” Lonnie told the reverend when the wagon came to a halt. “Please wait for me.”

  Her movements were swift. She crossed the floor of her pa’s cabin with silent resolve. She pressed open the lean- to door and paused. Her bag, which she had packed that morning, sat like a lone soldier on the freshly made bed as if it were awaiting her orders. Lonnie moaned and stifled a fresh wave of tears. She could smell him. Looking around the crooked, worn boards of the tiny room, she could see him. She could hear him. God, be my strength. Lonnie slipped her wrist through the strap of her pack and tugged it toward her. Her eyes landed on Gideon’s plaid coat. Without thinking if he would need it, she stuffed it in her bag. Then, without a sound, she left the lean-to.

  Every eye followed her movements, but Lonnie took no notice. All she needed was her son. All she wanted was to be free of this place. Jacob clung to her ma’s arm. Maggie kissed the top of his head as if she no longer cared what it might cost her. The little boy who mirrored his pa in nearly every way was Lonnie’s sole concern. When she reached for him, her pa stepped in her path, and Lonnie deliberately moved around him.

  Her ma’s compassion-filled eyes met hers, and Lonnie forced her voice to remain steady. “I’ll take him now,” she whispered.

  With a quick nod, Maggie held Jacob out. The warm, soft form of her child filled the void in Lonnie’s arm, and she held him close. Maggie kissed Lonnie’s hair, and Lonnie clutched a handful of her ma’s apron before stepping away. This was good-bye. She looked around at the faces—each one tightening her chest until she could bear it no longer. She did not scan the walls or wish farewell to the home of her childhood. Not this time. She could bear no more good-byes. Without a word, she left.

  Before Reverend Gardner could help her into the wagon, she flung her pack in the back and climbed up. After she’d settled, he drove away. Sarah’s home was not far. All her life, Lonnie had walked the curving path that led to her aunt’s door, and when the small cottage came into view, Sarah’s broad smile greeted them from the doorway. A shawl the color of a robin’s breast draped her aunt’s shoulders, and Lonnie instantly felt the reassuring warmth of her loving presence.

  With a pale hand, Sarah shielded her eyes as the sun broke through the clouds. Her smile was wide, but her blue eyes filled with sorrow. “Come in, come in. I’ve got a fresh pot of tea. Will you join us, Reverend Gardner?”

  He shook his head. “Thank you, but I have business to attend to.” He glanced at Lonnie. “You’ll take care of that son of yours? Raise him up right?”

  She bobbed her head. “I will, sir.” And will you watch over Gideon for me?

  With a tip of his black hat, Reverend Gardner flicked the reins, and his wagon jolted from its spot in the mud. The wheels turned, and the rickety wooden box swayed, bumping slowly out of sight.

  Gideon sat alone in the church. Closing his eyes, he succumbed to his thoughts and the memory of the life that had brought him here.

  It had been spring when he had held Cassie in a way a husband holds a wife. Spring when she had wept over the tatters of her innocence. Like the wretch he was, marrying her had been the furthest thing from his mind that reckless night beneath the stars. Yet it rushed to the front of his awareness when she demanded he make good on what he started. Or else. And the last thing Gideon had wanted was her father and brothers hunting him down.

  So they had hurried off to the small church in Tuggle Gap. Reverend Brown had placed their hands together, and they swore their devotion. For weeks they had kept their marriage a secret. They knew they should tell someone, but they were both so deep in trouble, they didn’t know where to begin. With Cassie only his come nightfall, and suddenly distant at that, Gideon struggled to understand what a husband truly was.

  It wasn’t a perfect situation, made clear the day Cassie threw up her hands, insisting it wasn’t working. With that fire in her eyes, she demanded her freedom. He put up no fight. She was miserable and he knew it. Together, they spoke to the circuit rider, the man who tended to court business for those who couldn’t make the journey, when he passed through. He explained what would need to be done. Caring little for his conscience, Gideon did his part. So did Cassie. Or so he’d thought. But clearly he had been wrong. For the proof never made its way into the rider’s satchel.

  Gideon’s eyelids threatened to flutter open.

  Like a fool, he had thought himself to be a free man. Free to smile at the other girls in the holler. Whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Free to walk Lonnie Sawyer home one moonlit night. He’d vowed he’d never marry again. But he never expected Joel’s shotgun aimed at his back.

  Eli’s words haunted him. “I should shoot you like the dog you are.”

  Footsteps sounded on the church stairs, but Gideon did not turn around. Voices passed over the threshold and fell soft as feet shuffled in. Still Gideon did not lift his face. He wiped his eyes, then dried his wrist on his pants, wishing this day had never come.

  A hand patted his shoulder.

  The reverend looked down at him. “The Allans are here. So is your family. We are ready to proceed.”

  Straightening, Gideon pressed his back against the hard pew. He glanced sideways but saw no one. Turning in his seat, he stared toward the back of the church. Henry Allan slipped his hat from his head. His wife, Mary, untied the laces of her bonnet, and when she caught Gideon’s gaze, she looked away. Libby, Cassie’s younger sister, stared at the floor, large ears poking through her hair.

  Some celebration.

  They were getting what they wanted from him. Soon he would owe them nothing but time. The rest of his life.

  He glanced at the final person. The pale-faced girl stared back with eyes wider than he’d ever seen. Cassie. What? Was she nervous? She had no reason to be. It wasn’t like she was wearing white.

  His family strode in, his ma’s face as grim as ever. She sat in a nearby pew, and his brothers and sisters filed in beside her. His pa followed behind, hat in his hands. He gave Gideon a curt nod.

  Gideon turned to Reverend Gardner, and his eyes locked with the old man’s. So this was it.

  “Where’s Lonnie?” Gideon blurted, not caring if it were rude to speak of her in front of the Allans. He had to know she was safe.

  “She’s in good hands.”

  Jacob? Gideon knew the answer. He was with his mother. He would grow to be a strong lad. Gideon searched the reverend’s pudgy face, though in his mind’s eye, he saw only the image of his lost son. Jacob. The joy of his life.

  The words that fell from the reverend’s lips drew him back to the present. “Are you ready to proceed?”

  Gideon stood. He would never be ready, but what did it matter?

  “The Allans will serve as witnesses. Hopefully you have no objections to that?”

  He shrugged. Henry snorted.

  Gideon stared at the man. Henry Allan simply glared back.

  A muscle flexed in Gideon’s jaw. If the man didn’t want to give up his daughter, then why was he? Henry could keep Cassie for all Gideon cared. Gideon loosened his tie, tugging it free. He tossed it on the pew beside him. Cassie’s eyes followed the movement. What did she care for? She’d seen him in his tie. They’d been here before.

  She stepped forward at the reverend’s bidding, and Gideon’s feet turned to lead.

  Reverend Gardner placed a hand on Cassie’s shoulder. “Stand here. And you, Gideon.” He pointed to the floor. “Stand here.”

  Gideon did as he was told. His muddy boots shuffled forward until his toes nearly touched her black shoes. Freshly polished. He forced himself to lift his gaze. He ran fingers through his hair, beyond caring what he looked like.

  Gideon fought the anger that rose in his chest. His actions had been such a mistake, and they would cost him the rest of his life.

  “Please join hands.”

  Cassie hesitated. Gideon had no desire to pro
long the painful event. Grabbing her hand, he held it in his. Her fingers were cool, her skin soft. Memories flooded him, and he shook off the thoughts. He needed only Lonnie. He wanted no more of Cassie. The less they touched the better.

  Reverend Gardner began. His words seemed to float toward the rafters, for Gideon heard none of them. When prompted, he spoke the vows he was required to say. In his mind, he saw the glimmer of Eli’s rifle and the hatred in the man’s eyes. Gideon was finally doing right by Cassie. Their hatred had no more fuel.

  Cassie’s soft voice drew his attention. “I will,” she whispered.

  “And will you, Gideon, take Cassie to be your lawful wife, love her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health”—he cleared his throat—“forsaking all others, keep only unto her so long as you both shall live?”

  Silent seconds passed. The seconds grew into a lengthy span until Gideon finally iced his heart over, glanced past Cassie, and spoke into the empty deep.

  “I will.”

  Cassie felt the heat of Gideon’s words, but not in comfort. She looked up at him and saw the truth in his eyes—he did not love her. Worse. He despised her. He was simply doing his duty. Typical Gideon. She touched her boots together as demurely as possible and blinked up at him, glad she’d pinched her cheeks to the point of pain before arriving. She had her work cut out for her. But she was more than ready for the challenge.

  The reverend cleared his throat and hesitated. The darkness beneath his eyes and the silver stubble on his round face hinted that this incident was taking its toll on him.

  He looked from her to Gideon. “You may kiss … the bride.” The last words fell from his lips with sorrow and tumbled down.

  Stones to her heart.

  Cassie held her breath, but before another moment passed, Gideon released her hand and wiped his palm on his pants as if needing to be rid of her touch. She looked at her ma, who offered her a soft smile.