But it feels more like a real-life nightmare.
Your secrets are safe with me, Loretta . . . I’m not listening.
—The Lockhorns
Sunday, October 13, 8:32 A.M.
Still in bed
Last night was definitely not a dream. I wish there was a way I could make it unhappen. I’d like to go back in time and do things differently. There were so many things I could have done instead of taking Gilligan for a walk. I could have washed my hair or painted my nails or watched SpongeBob with May and June. It wasn’t like anyone even asked me to walk Gilligan—I just did it, and I really wish I hadn’t. My brain was so clear before I kissed Matt, and now it’s all cloudy.
I need to take a deep breath and relax. I can’t go back in time and change anything, but maybe I can pretend like it never happened, and it will be almost like it didn’t.
10:07 A.M.
In the kitchen
No appetite
When I went into the kitchen, Mom asked me if I’d like pancakes. “No thanks,” I told her. I picked up a banana, hoping that she’d leave me alone, but she didn’t.
“April, are you eating properly? Are you not eating pancakes because of dance?” She asked the second question before I could even answer the first.
We’d already had one talk about my new eating habits, and Mom didn’t like that I wasn’t eating some of the foods I used to eat all the time.
“I’m just not in the mood for pancakes,” I told Mom. I wish it was only because of dance.
11:02 A.M.
Trying to pretend like last night never happened isn’t working. My brain is stuck on kissing Matt. Why am I still thinking about this? I need to stop. I’m glad I have homework to do. Hopefully, if I think about rational numbers, I’ll stop thinking about kissing Matt. That sounds rational, doesn’t it?
1:17 P.M.
At my desk
I can’t think about anything but last night. I’ve even tried using the Mosquito Technique. I learned it at camp. If you think about the mosquitoes, they drive you crazy. But if you relax and pretend like you don’t even know they’re there, it’s almost like they’re not.
1:20 P.M.
Apparently, this technique only works with mosquitoes.
Monday, October 14, 1:27 P.M.
Study hall
Life at Faraway Middle School is going on around me. Kids are changing classes, taking tests, playing sports, and eating bad cafeteria food. I’m doing all those thing too, but I’m also trying to avoid Billy (which I’ve managed to do so far today, but only because I purposely picked a scab off my knee and went to the nurses’ office during lunch to get a Band-Aid).
I’m also living with a secret, and I can’t stand it. I could hardly concentrate in my classes. I really, really wish I could talk to Brynn. She’s my oldest friend, and I need her advice. I thought about talking to her this morning during break, but I decided not to. As much as I’d like to, I know she wouldn’t understand.
I can just hear what she’d say. “April, you shouldn’t have kissed Matt the first time, and I can’t imagine why you did a second time!” Then she’d say that she kept it from Billy the last time I kissed Matt, but she doesn’t want to do it again. She’d give me her speech about how we’re all friends, and if he was going out with any other girl who kissed someone else and she found out, she’d tell him.
But the main reason I can’t tell her is that I think she might be happy, because it would mean Billy and I are over and he’d be free for other girls. Like her.
I can’t believe I just wrote that.
Not all of me thinks it, but part of me keeps going back over the day at Brynn’s house when she called Billy to come over and watch us dance. She was so excited to dance in front of him. Then she went behind my back and talked to him about how I wasn’t being a good friend. As much as I want to talk to somebody about this and figure out what to do, I know Brynn isn’t that somebody.
10:07 P.M.
In bed
I hardly saw Billy at school today, luckily, and he couldn’t talk long on the phone tonight because he has a big math test tomorrow. I was worried I would see Matt when I went to the gym for dance practice. But I didn’t.
One day down, the rest of my life to go.
Tuesday, October 15, 8:22 P.M.
I saw Billy today at lunch, and he said, “April, duty calls. As president of the student body I must attend a mandatory meeting, which means I can’t eat lunch with you.” Then he actually gave me a quick peck on the cheek and said, “Sorry I’m being a bad boyfriend.”
I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth. I know he was trying to be funny and sweet, but it was the one thing he could have said that actually made me feel worse.
Somehow, I did manage to avoid Matt when I went to dance practice.
Hooray for small victories.
Wednesday, October 16, 10:02 P.M.
In bed
Keeping other people’s secrets is hard, but keeping your own is even harder. It has been five days since Matt and I kissed. I thought maybe I’d be able to just forget it happened, but it’s the only thing I can think about.
During practice today, Ms. Baumann actually called me out. “April, the pep rally is on Friday. Everyone looks ready but you.”
It was mortifying. Everyone was looking at me. I actually felt like there were little thought bubbles over my head and everybody could see what I’d been thinking about.
On the way home from practice, Emily said, “April, you haven’t been yourself all week. Is everything OK?”
“I’m having my period,” I lied.
Emily looked at me in a sweet way, like she meant what she was about to say. “You know you can tell me if something is bothering you.”
I nodded.
“We’re best friends,” said Emily. “And that’s what best friends are for.”
When she said that, part of me really wanted to tell her what happened. But part of me still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.
10:37 P.M.
Billy called tonight, and we talked for twenty-three minutes, which is short for us. Our conversation sounded normal, I think. The only thing that was different was me.
I feel so terrible about what I did. I don’t know how I could have done what I did to Billy. I really don’t. Dad just came in my room and told me to turn off my light and go to sleep. When he kissed me good night, he told me he was proud of me.
For what? Seriously.
Friday, October 18, 6:45 P.M.
Emily, Kate, Vanessa, and I got to leave school after third period to go to the high school for the pep rally. It should have been such an exciting day, but my head was such a mess.
When we got to the gym, all the older girls were already in the bathroom changing. “Girls, get in your costumes quickly,” Ms. Baumann said to all of us. “The pep rally is starting in five minutes.” We all changed, and just as we were going into the gym, I had a terrible stomach ache.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I told Ms. Baumann.
She pointed to Emily. “Stay with her!” she said, like I needed a buddy. Then she looked at me and told me to hurry. She obviously had no patience for stomach aches.
When I finished, Emily and I were on our way to the gym to join the rest of the dance team, and as we were walking, we saw Matt Parker.
He came over to us and put his hand on my arm and stopped me like he wanted to say something. I think he was actually looking at my chest. I would have given anything not to have been wearing the padded bra that I’d begged Mom to buy for me.
“You look cute,” said Matt. He smiled at me.
Emily’s eyes shot up.
“Thanks,” I said. It was the first time we’d talked since we kissed. It felt so awkward to be standing there next to him with Emily watching. “I have to go,” I said. I didn’t even care if it sounded like all I do is use the bathroom.
I grabbed Emily’s arm, and we hurried over to where the rest
of the team was waiting. I knew she wanted to say something about what happened, but fortunately, there was no time.
The pep rally was starting. Everyone in the gym was screaming. “GO!” yelled Ms. Baumann when it was our turn to dance. We ran out to the floor of the gym and took our places. The music started. Somehow, I don’t know how, I made it through the dance without messing up.
On the way back to the bathroom afterward, Emily stopped me. “What’s the deal with Matt?” She stood in front of me like she was waiting for an answer. But I didn’t give her one.
This was supposed to be a pep rally, not a tell-all.
Saturday, October 19, 10:02 P.M.
Homecoming
I told Emily what happened. I hadn’t planned to tell her, but it all came tumbling out before our halftime performance tonight. I was a wreck during the whole first half. Billy was there. Matt was there. All I wanted to do was avoid both of them. Even though I knew they knew where the dance team was sitting, I literally was slumped down in my chair like I was trying to hide.
“What’s wrong with you?” Emily asked.
“Nothing,” I said. Even I knew my voice didn’t sound normal. All I wanted to do was get through the dance we had to do at halftime, but I was a fidgeting mess. As the countdown to halftime neared, I couldn’t sit still.
Emily kept looking at me. “I think I know what’s going on,” she said with two minutes to go before halftime. She gave me this look like she already knew something scandalous had happened. And that’s when it all came pouring out. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I told her everything. How Matt pulled me into him and kissed me, then French kissed me. I told her I was upset and wished I hadn’t kissed him and that when I reminded Matt that I had a boyfriend, the only thing he had to say was that it would be our secret.
When I finished, Emily wrapped her arm around me. “You poor thing, you must have been dying holding it in for so long. You should have told me sooner!”
I told her it was really hard to keep that secret and that I’ve been feeling terrible about what I did to Billy but that it felt good to tell someone.
“Don’t worry,” said Emily. “Your secrets are safe with me.”
Then Ms. Baumann said to get in line, and before I knew it, we were on the field in front of thousands of screaming Faraway football fans. We did the dance we’d been practicing for weeks, without one misstep. When we finished, we ran off the field to everyone clapping and cheering. “Great job, girls!” said Ms. Baumann.
But I didn’t feel great. I was happy that the performance went well, and right before the performance, it felt pretty good to talk to Emily and get everything off my chest. But after we finished dancing, I started to feel like it was a bad idea to tell Emily what happened with Matt. I pulled Emily aside and reminded her that she said my secrets were safe with her. She nodded like they were.
But I had a gnawing feeling that they might not be.
11:32 P.M.
Starting to panic
I’m not so sure my secrets are safe with Emily. What Brynn said about not trusting her keeps running through my head. I texted Emily an hour ago to remind her not to tell anybody about what I told her, and she never texted me back. Crap. What have I done, and is there any way to undo it?
Dear God, please don’t let it be a bad idea that I told Emily.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has time to get its pants on.
—Winston Churchill
Monday, October 21, 5:52 P.M.
I’ve said it before
This time I mean it
Worst day of my life
Officially
Everything at school today seemed fine.
I played volleyball in PE. I took a test in math. I ate a salad, no dressing for lunch. My problems started at dance. Actually, they started on the way to dance. I always walk to the high school with Emily, Kate, and Vanessa. Today I waited by the front gate for them, where I always do, but they never showed up.
I thought maybe they were running late, so I texted Emily, but she didn’t answer.
I had to leave. We get in so much trouble with Ms. Baumann if we’re late. But as I walked to the high school, I had a terrible feeling that being late was the least of my problems.
I knew I was right the minute I walked into the gym. When I got there, Emily, Kate, and Vanessa were already there, and they were sitting on the opposite side of the gym talking to all the ninth-grade girls on the team. They were all huddled together like they were discussing something serious.
My stomach was in knots. I didn’t know if I should go over to where they were, but I felt like it would seem weird if I didn’t. When I got to them, everyone stopped talking and looked at me.
The gym was too quiet. Chloe broke the silence. “April, how could you?” she asked. “I told you Matt and I are a thing.” I didn’t know what to say. I looked at Emily. Who had she told my secret to? What had she said? She wouldn’t even look at me.
Then everyone started talking like I wasn’t standing there. They were all saying all kinds of stuff, and not just what I told Emily, which was that I’d kissed Matt and wished I hadn’t.
She’s secretly going out with Matt.
They live next door to each other so it has been easy to keep it a secret.
I’ve seen them talking in the gym all the time.
I have a feeling it has been going on for a long time.
Their words swirled around me. I just stood there. I didn’t know what else to do. Every time someone said something, they’d all look at me like I was supposed to defend myself or confirm if it was true or not.
I couldn’t speak. My brain was incapable of forming words. I couldn’t believe what I was listening to. I don’t know how the story got so out of hand. I felt like I was going to throw up or cry or both. Ms. Baumann came in then, and we started practice.
“April, please try to keep up,” she said two different times.
But I couldn’t. It was my worst rehearsal ever. And not just because I kept messing up. No one wanted to be near me. The girls in my dancing line kept scooting away from me, and when we did the partners part of the dance, Amy, who was supposed to put her arm around my waist, wouldn’t even touch me. When practice was over, Emily left the gym right away with Vanessa and Kate. She didn’t wait for me. Not that I would have wanted her to.
I can’t believe Emily told everyone. I thought I could trust her. I thought we were friends. She said my secrets were safe with her, but clearly, they weren’t.
Brynn was right. She usually is. And now everyone on the dance team knows what happened, or what they think happened. I feel sick. Can my life get any worse? I doubt it.
8:46 P.M.
In my room
On my bed
Heartsick
I thought wrong. Things got so much worse.
I was so upset about everyone on the dance team being mad at me, I hadn’t even thought about how other people would react.
Brynn just called me. She heard what happened, and she’s furious. Furious that I kissed Matt, furious that I told other people and didn’t tell her, and furious that I would do this to Billy.
“I’m sure half of what you heard isn’t even true,” I said.
“If half was true, it’s bad enough,” Brynn said back.
I started crying. It was bad enough that Brynn was mad. “What am I going to do if Billy finds out?” I asked her. Brynn was quiet for a minute. Then she said three of the scariest words I’ve ever heard.
“He already knows.”
Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
—Marilyn Monroe
Tuesday, October 22, 9:07 P.M.
Today was the first school day since third grade that I didn’t speak to Billy or Brynn. Neither of them was in the cafeteria at lunch. I actually never even saw Billy. When I saw Brynn in study hall, she looked down at the book on her desk like she was studying, and in math, we had a test, so I couldn’t tal
k to her.
The same thing happened with the girls on the dance team.
There are no words to describe how I feel.
Wednesday, October 23, 5:52 P.M.
Just home from dance practice
I don’t want to be on the dance team anymore. I know I can’t quit, but I wish I could. Today, Emily, Kate, and Vanessa walked to the high school without me (again).
At practice, everyone was crowding around Chloe like they had to protect her from me. The other girls were doing everything possible to make me feel like I wasn’t wanted there. They weren’t looking at me or talking to me or even dancing near me when they were supposed to be.
During the break, I pulled Emily aside. I knew it probably wasn’t the place to do it, but I had to talk to her and I didn’t know where else she would talk to me.
“What did you say to everyone?” I asked her.
She gave me this weird, blank look. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I couldn’t believe her. “Emily, you’re the only one I told, and now everyone knows. You said my secrets were safe with you.”
Emily’s mouth dropped open like she was shocked by what I was saying. “I can’t believe you’re accusing me of telling people your secret,” she said. She crossed her arms across her chest like she was getting more upset by the second. “For your information, when I got to dance yesterday, everyone was already talking about it.” She paused. “Maybe your boyfriend was the one who told people.”
Too Good to Be True Page 6
