I wanted to believe she was talking about Billy, but I knew she meant Matt. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “I don’t know why you’d call Matt my boyfriend,” I said. “And I don’t think he told anyone.”
Emily shook her head like it was sad that I couldn’t see the truth. Then Ms. Baumann said break was over and to get back into formation.
I made it through the rest of practice, but I don’t know how. I’m a pariah. That was one of our vocab words in English. At first, I had to look it up to see what it meant, but now I know firsthand. I’m a snake in the henhouse. A fly at a barbecue. A seagull at a beach picnic. Nobody on the team wants me there.
We’re on the same page as far as that goes. I don’t want to be there either.
Friday, October 25, 9:47 P.M.
Heartbroken
Billy hadn’t called or texted or spoken to me all week, so when I came home from dance practice, I decided to walk Gilligan over to his house and go talk to him. At first, I thought our talk was going well because right when I got to his house, he told me he was actually about to come over to my house because he wanted to talk to me too. We sat down on the steps of his front porch, and Billy told me I could start.
I wasn’t exactly sure what details he’d heard, but it didn’t matter. I knew he knew I’d kissed Matt. “Billy, I feel awful about what happened,” I said. “I’m really sorry about what I did. I wish with all my heart that I could take it back and make it like it never happened.”
Billy didn’t say anything. He just sat there quietly and looked at me like he was taking in my side of things and trying to decide what he wanted to say.
I wanted him to say that he forgave me. “I’m so sorry,” I said. Just knowing that I had a reason to be sorry made me upset. Tears were starting to form in the corners of my eyes. “Billy, I’m so, so sorry.” I just looked at him. I didn’t know how else to tell Billy I was sorry.
Billy was very matter-of-fact, like he’d thought about and maybe rehearsed what he wanted to say. “April, I appreciate your apology, but we can’t be us anymore. Not like we have been.”
I wasn’t sure what he was saying. “Are you breaking up with me?” I asked.
Billy nodded, and that’s when I started crying. Tears were streaming down my face. I looked at Billy. I wanted him to do something sweet and Billy-like—bump my shoulder with his or wipe away my tears with a corner of his T-shirt or tell me not to worry and make a joke out of it.
But he didn’t do any of those things. He just sat there while I cried, and when I was done, he stood up and handed me Gilligan’s leash. He didn’t say another word.
I took the leash and walked home. When I got to my room, I took off the bracelet Billy gave me and put it carefully in my jewelry box. I pulled my sleeve down to cover the tan line on my wrist where the bracelet had been.
I could hardly eat dinner. Everyone in my family could tell I was upset, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them why. How do you say you lost a best friend and a boyfriend?
After dinner, I went through the call log on my phone and added up the number of minutes Billy and I have talked this month: 532. All I could think about in the shower was how much I’m going to miss talking to Billy.
May and June came into my room before they went to sleep and got in bed with me. “Was someone mean to you?” asked May. “If they were, I’ll beat them up.”
June had her Cinderella book, which she loves. “Will you read to me?” she asked.
May and June curled up on either side of me. As I started to read the book, my tears fell on the pages. When I finished the story, May hugged me and June kissed me on the cheek. At least they still love me.
I’m not sure who else does.
11:42 P.M.
I must have fallen asleep with the light on, because Dad just came in and kissed me good night. He asked me if there’s anything I’d like to talk about with him. I told him no. I can’t talk to Dad about this. I can’t tell my dad why Billy broke up with me or that Brynn isn’t speaking to me and that no one on the dance team likes me anymore.
I hug Rat. My only friend is a bear who looks like a rat that was given to me by a boy who broke up with me.
Here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy.
—Meredith Grey
Halloween, 4:52 P.M.
In bed
I haven’t written all week because I haven’t had anything to write about. Nothing has changed since the last time I wrote.
Brynn isn’t talking to me. Well, that’s not entirely true. If she has to say something to me, like in school, she does. But she doesn’t call or text or ask me if I want to hang out. And she hasn’t said a word about her party tonight, which I know means I’m officially uninvited.
Things with Billy aren’t any better. I’ve tried calling and texting a bunch of times, but he hasn’t picked up any of my calls or responded to my texts.
They don’t sit with me at lunch anymore. And to make matters worse, every time I see them at school, they’re together. I don’t even want to think about what they’re talking about when I’m not with them. They’re probably bonding over being mad at me. I’m sure Billy is upset (actually, I’m not so sure), and Brynn is there to comfort him. I can just hear what she’s been saying to him.
“I know how hurtful this is. She was supposed to be my best friend, and she’s been spilling her secrets to someone else.” I’m sure she’s also told Billy that she tried to warn me about Emily, but I wouldn’t listen. Then she probably said something to Billy about how I don’t always have the best judgment when it comes to people. There’s no telling where the conversation went from there. It hurts my head just thinking about it.
Things in dance are bad too. I’ve tried to talk to Chloe and explain to her what really happened, but every time I try, she shakes her head or walks away like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. I talked to my “big sister,” Mady, about it, but all Mady said is that I should just focus on dancing. So that’s what I’ve been doing, but I haven’t enjoyed it.
I keep thinking about Gaga and her Happiness Movement. I wanted this year to be a good one, so I tried to be positive. But that didn’t do much good. I guess you could argue that I did something that wasn’t so positive when I kissed Matt. But does a person have to be positive all the time to stay happy? Can a girl make a mistake without her life falling apart?
Apparently not.
5:48 P.M.
Still in bed
May and June came into my room to show me their costumes. May is a pirate, and June is a goblin. Mom is taking them trick-or-treating.
“Do you want to come along?” asked May.
“Yeah,” said June. “Come with us.”
I told them I feel sick, which I do. I’m sick about what a mess my life is.
6:17 P.M.
I’m at home.
6:18 P.M.
Alone.
6:19 P.M.
On Halloween.
6:21 P.M.
In bed.
7:07 P.M.
My friends are at Brynn’s party, which started at 7:00, and I’m home alone. In bed. Did I already say that? Sometimes when I’m upset, I get repetitive.
8:50 P.M.
May and June are back. May dumped her pumpkin full of candy on my bed and told me I could pick three pieces, just no Reese’s, Snickers, Milky Ways, Nestlé Crunches, Hershey bars, M&Ms, Sweet Tarts, Smarties, or Three Musketeers, which basically only leaves Dum Dums, Jolly Ranchers, and weird no-name brands of candy.
Then June dumped her candy on my bed and literally repeated May’s off-limits list of candy in perfect order. If I wasn’t in such a horrific mood, I’d actually be impressed.
I just picked a green Jolly Rancher.
Jolly fun night. Not really.
My one regret in life is that I’m not someone else.
—Woody Allen
Friday, November 1, 8:03 P.M.
As far as my life g
oes, all the days are the same. Except today was different. It was worse. Everyone at school was talking about Brynn’s party and how amazing it was. And to make things even worse, people were also talking about why I wasn’t there.
During PE, I overheard Kelly Blake talking to Julia Lozano.
“I heard Brynn didn’t invite her to the party because they’re not friends anymore,” Kelly said.
“They’ve been friends forever,” Julia said.
“I know,” said Kelly. “But you heard what happened, didn’t you?” Then Kelly started whispering to Julia, so I couldn’t hear what they were saying. But I didn’t need to hear it. Before the party, some people at school knew what happened, but by the end of the day, it was all over Faraway Middle School.
The only thing that could have been worse is if it had been in our school newspaper.
I don’t even want to think about that possibility.
Monday, November 4, 6:04 P.M.
Today was the same as all my days have been lately.
BAD.
Tuesday, November 5, 8:17 P.M.
I thought I was depressed, so I read about it online.
Clinically, I don’t seem to be exhibiting most of the symptoms. So I Googled semi-depressed, which is what I thought I might be, but I guess there’s really no such thing. There’s something like it called dysthymic, but the description was too long to read about, and it’s probably not what I am anyway.
What I know I am is upset about my life. And no one seems to care.
Dad has tried to help. He really has. I know he could tell something was wrong the night that Billy and I broke up. He’s tried several times since then to get me to talk to him, but I haven’t. Tonight, he brought home my favorite pie, key lime, from the diner.
It was sweet of him. But it didn’t cheer me up.
Wednesday, November 6, 9:02 P.M.
Today at dance practice, Ms. Baumann went through the schedule of dances we’re doing the night of the show. She talked for a long time about each jazz, ballet, hip-hop, and contemporary dance in our program. She went through the list of group dances, ensembles, and solos. “Girls, we have a lot of work to do. I don’t think I need to remind you that the show is three weeks from today.”
“You definitely don’t need to remind us!” said Sarah Feinberg.
Everyone started laughing when she said it. Even Ms. Baumann smiled. She knows everyone is super excited about it.
Everyone but one person.
It’s going to be a long three weeks.
Saturday, November 9, 2:45 P.M.
Just back from practice
Our costumes for the show came in, and this morning after practice, Ms. Baumann had everyone try them on. The other girls were laughing and joking around. It reminded me of the day the costumes came in before our first competition. For some reason, what Emily said when I’d asked Mady about wearing a padded bra came to mind. I’d been part of the joking around that day.
Sadly, a lot has changed since then.
Wednesday, November 13, 8:45 P.M.
Tonight when I got home from dance practice, I walked next door to Matt’s house and rang his doorbell. I haven’t spoken to him (aside from him checking out my boobs at the pep rally) since we kissed.
I wanted to know what he had to say about what happened. When I rang the bell, Matt opened the door. I just stood there for a minute because I hadn’t planned what I was going to say if he answered.
He smiled at me. “What’s up, California?” he asked.
It kind of pissed me off that he looked so happy when I felt so miserable. “Can we talk?”
Matt nodded, and I followed him into his backyard. We sat down under a tree. We both just sat there for a long time, and neither one of us said anything.
Finally, Matt looked at me. “California, you got something you want to say?”
I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth until I opened it. “Did you know that Billy and I broke up?” I asked him.
Matt didn’t really acknowledge if he knew that or not. “I’m sorry,” he said.
Hearing him say he was sorry made me feel worse. It was like all the anger I’d felt since Emily told the world what I’d told her bubbled to the surface. It wasn’t Matt’s fault, but I needed somebody to be mad at. “We broke up because he found out what happened.” I figured Matt was smart enough to know I meant what happened between us.
“How did he find out?” Matt asked.
I knew what was coming next. If I told Matt that I told Emily and she told the rest of the world, Matt was going to say he told me our kiss should be our secret. But I couldn’t help myself. I’d been holding in so much for so long and I needed him to know what happened. I told him everything about Emily, Brynn, Billy, the girls on the dance team, and the kids at school.
I waited for Matt to do an I-told-you-so thing. But he didn’t. He listened while I went on and on, and when I was done, he just looked at me with his big blue eyes. “That sucks,” he said. Then he just sat there looking at me like it was an invitation to keep talking if I wanted to.
So I did. “When you kissed me, you said you liked me.”
I regretted saying it the minute the words left my mouth. Especially the way I said it. It was more of a statement than a question, which made it hard for Matt to answer.
But his response surprised me. He reached over and squeezed my hand. “April, I’m sorry you’re upset,” he said, like he really meant it. Then he stood up and looked toward his house like the conversation was over and it was time for him to go back inside.
His apology didn’t give me any of the answers I was looking for, but somehow it made me feel better.
When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.
—Ben Franklin
Friday, November 22, 9:47 P.M.
Tonight we went to Gaga’s house for dinner. Right when we got there, she made everyone sit down in the living room and said she had an announcement to make. All the grown-ups were looking at each other kind of nervously, like here we go again. Most grandmas announce they knitted a new sweater or they’re taking the family on a cruise. But there was no telling what Gaga was going to say.
In her usual fashion, she didn’t make us wait long.
“When I put my pants on, I have a muffin top,” Gaga announced to her entire family as well as her lifelong best friend, Florence, and Mr. Sherman (her neighbor, who she claims is only a friend, but I think by the way he looks at her, he hopes it might be more).
I couldn’t believe she even knew the word, but she did. And to make matters worse, she lifted up her blouse and showed everyone what she was talking about. I thought my Uncle Dusty was going to be sick. My Uncle Drew had to look away. To be honest, I didn’t think it was possible to have a muffin top when you wear pants with an elastic waistband, but it is.
“I view this as a positive thing,” Gaga said when she was done with her demonstration.
I wasn’t sure how having a roll of fat hanging over the top of your pants was a positive thing, but Gaga said her muffin top is a call to action. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” she said like she was talking to a studio audience. “Effective immediately, I am going on a health kick.”
She motioned to the buffet in the dining room. “The chicken tonight will be lightly, not deep fried. And instead of mashed potatoes, we will be having broccoli and salad.”
Then she picked up a Sports Authority bag and plunked it on the coffee table. “And I will be taking up jogging.” She dug into the bag and pulled out a pair of running shoes, some shorts and shirts, and a pedometer.
Mr. Sherman put his fingers in his mouth and whistled. He might like the idea of Gaga cruising the streets of Faraway in a pair of Nike shorts, but it was more than I could bear. It was clear my cousin Amanda, who is in sixth grade but acts like she’s in tenth, felt the same way, because she gave me the as-the-oldest-granddaughter-it’s-your-job-to-set-her-straight look.
So I said, “Gaga, aren’t
you kind of old to make such a radical change in your life?”
I probably should have taken a more scientific approach and said something like, “Have you checked with your doctors? Maybe you should just walk the mall with the other grandmas.”
But I didn’t do that, and when I said it, Gaga looked at me square on and said, “When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.” Then, while everyone else was eating chicken and broccoli and salad, Gaga gave me a very long speech about how if you don’t like the way things are, you should do something about them.
Gaga loves nothing more than an opportunity to impart what she calls her “vast stores of wisdom based on years of experience,” which just means that by the time she was done with me, my lightly fried chicken was freezing cold.
10:32 P.M.
I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about what Gaga said to me.
Even though she’s strange in lots of ways, I think she’s right when she said someone should do something about things if they don’t like the way they are. I felt better after I talked to Matt. I don’t like the way things are with Billy or Brynn or the girls on the dance team. I know I need to do something to make things better.
I just don’t know what that something is.
Saturday, November 23, 1:45 P.M.
Just home from the diner
Too Good to Be True Page 7
