If he hadn’t emailed Sawyer, would my brother have come back? Or would he have disappeared like he did three and a half years ago?
Turning onto my street, I take a deep breath and park the car.
Sawyer clears his throat, making me pause before I open the door. His eyes, deep brown and full of pain, reach into mine.
“Is that really why you stayed behind? Because Lucy got pregnant?”
A lump forms in my throat. I play with the keys in my hand, staring at my lap. Finally, I drag my gaze up to his.
“Yes. When I called you and texted you to come meet me—told you I wanted to talk to you—it was to explain about Lucy. I knew Mom and Dad wouldn’t approve of her keeping the baby, and I wasn’t sure if they’d kick her out or not. I wanted to make a plan.”
“And they did?”
I nod, dropping my gaze. As much as I admire my parents for their business savvy, a part of me still can’t believe they disowned Lucy for getting pregnant. There’s a weird sort of cognitive dissonance inside me. I can look at them and see them as slightly narcissistic, self-centered people who still do nice things for me—but at the same time, admit to myself they tore my siblings and me apart.
How does that make sense? How can I keep them in my life when they’ve treated Lucy so horribly?
I don’t have an explanation for that. All I know is what I want most is a family. For better or worse, that includes my parents.
“You accepted the job because you wanted to provide for Lucy?” Sawyer’s voice breaks on the last word, and I can feel the shame rolling off him in waves.
I reach over to take my brother’s hand, my bottom lip trembling. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took their job and their money. I’m sorry I stayed behind. I felt horrible for betraying you like that, Sawyer, but I had to.”
He shakes his head, squeezing my hand. “You shouldn’t be apologizing. I’ve been telling myself the same old story about you being just like our parents—selfish, money-hungry, backstabbing—but you’re not. You’re the opposite. You spent another three and a half years in a city you hate just to help Lucy and…”
He trails off, and I smile. “Roman. Her son’s name is Roman.”
“I’m sorry, Rae.” It’s a whisper, but Sawyer’s eyes scream regret.
I’ve dreamed of this moment for a long time. When everything happened with Lucy’s pregnancy, the business, and Sawyer’s departure, I hoped we’d come back together again. I worked every day from dawn until dusk to make sure my brother and sister had money. That they had a chance to make something of themselves.
All the while, this is what I wanted. I wanted my brother to look at me with something other than hostility.
“I love you, Sawyer,” I finally say. “I know we never really said it to each other growing up, but I do. I never meant to hurt you.”
Sawyer’s eyes are watery. He blinks, and a tear races down his cheek, reaching his chin before he wipes it away.
Leaning over the gear shift, my brother gives me an awkward hug, and my heart lets out a deep sigh. Peace settles into my bones, and I feel like a new chapter in my life can start.
My brother doesn’t hate me. Lucy was right—he understands.
As if she can sense our presence, the front door opens, and our sister stands in the doorway with Roman in her arms. A smile splits the little boy’s face open, shining a light on all of us. He raises a chubby arm to wave at Sawyer and me. I laugh, blinking away the moisture in my eyes.
He’s in pajamas, his hair damp from a bath. I feel like Lucy could sense this moment and kept him up past his bedtime for this exact reason. Either that, or Roman knew he’d meet his uncle in some cosmic, all-knowing-toddler sixth sense and decided he needed to stay up.
“Ready to meet your nephew?”
Sawyer lets out a trembling breath, nodding, and we exit the car.
I may have dreamed of this moment for over three years, but I never knew exactly how it would play out. I thought there might be tears. I hoped there’d be forgiveness.
The reality is so much better. In approximately two and a half seconds, Roman melts Sawyer’s heart. I see it happen, watching Sawyer’s face soften and change. Lucy sets her son on the ground, and he rushes toward the two of us.
“Rae-Rae!” he shouts. He toddles toward us, looking up at Sawyer with big, brown eyes.
I pick up my nephew, hauling him onto my hip as I turn to Sawyer.
“This is Uncle Sawyer,” I say.
“Sawer,” he repeats, looking at his uncle. “Your beard!”
Sawyer laughs, rubbing the facial hair on his jaw. “I should shave,” he says, reaching over to touch Roman’s nose. Roman giggles, backing away and hiding his face in my neck.
My heart grows three sizes, until it feels like it’ll crack my ribs. I’m so full of joy…
…and my thoughts flick to Benji.
Is it weird that I wish he were here with us?
Sawyer lets out a sigh, turning toward Lucy. She wraps her arms around our brother, and more tears are shed. When the four of us head inside, my heart feels light. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and a brick wall has shattered in front of me. I can move forward with my life now.
The three of us can build a life together the way we always wanted.
As Sawyer gets to know his nephew, I head to the kitchen for a moment of quiet. My phone buzzes. Benji’s name pops up, with a simple message that says, Everything okay?
I lean against the kitchen counter, letting out a sigh. I misjudged Benji. He’s not just some big, burly mechanic with a protective streak for my brother.
He’s kind. Caring. Thoughtful.
Even when I ran away from his first kiss, he still messaged Sawyer. A lesser man would have felt jilted. Offended. Jealous.
Not Benji.
He brought us together.
I type out a quick response, promising to talk to him later. For now, though, I need to spend time with my family.
After Lucy puts Roman to bed, we open a bottle of wine and sit around the kitchen table. Sawyer looks around the house, arching an eyebrow.
“Very minimalist furnishings in here,” he notes.
“We just moved in,” I say. “Waiting on the delivery of a couch.”
Lucy smiles, touching her glass to mine. “Even if we had no furniture, it would still be the perfect house. Roman loves it here. Has two best friends next door already. I think he’s in love with Gabby.”
Sawyer glances out the window, jerking his chin at my bright, white, soon-to-be-sold car. “Still have your sweet sixteen car, eh.”
“Not for long,” Lucy interjects, huffing. “Rae insisted on selling it, even though I know it kills her inside.”
Sawyer’s eyebrows jump up. “You’re selling it?”
“This house isn’t going to furnish itself.” I chuckle, trying to hide the sadness in my voice.
I know it’s just a car. I know. In my brain, I understand that. But letting go of that car is like the final tie to my old life. A worn-out security blanket. The last symbol of where I came from. I have to let go of it to move on. Selling the car is an important step in finding my own feet.
But, damn, I do love that ride. Over-the-top and ostentatious as it might be.
Sawyer smiles, understanding filling his eyes. He knows we don’t have Mom and Dad’s money. He knows I bought this house on my own, even though I did take their job and their generous salary package. He knows that even though I went about it a different way, I still have the same goal as he does—to stand on my own two feet and support the people I love.
“I’m sorry I left,” he blurts out, shifting his gaze from me to Lucy. “If I’d known…”
Lucy waves a hand. “Don’t worry about it. We knew you’d come around. Rae didn’t stop looking for you. Not for a minute.”
When Sawyer’s eyes meet mine, regret roars within them. He clears his throat, reaching across the table to pat my hand with his.
“I’m sorry,” he whisp
ers.
I shake my head, jagged rocks in my throat stopping me from speaking. Instead, I just clink my glass to his and smile at my sister.
This is what I’ve worked for. This is what I’ve wanted from the moment everything fell apart.
So why am I thinking about how much I wish Benji were sitting beside me to experience it, too?
17
Benji
I look through the curtains at the front of my house when I hear voices outside. Rae is dropping Sawyer off next to his car. It stayed parked in front of my house while he went to meet his nephew for the first time.
Rae waves at him as he drives away, then turns her gaze to the house. I watch as she takes a deep breath, smoothing her hair, then hesitates. She turns away, then pauses again.
I smile.
Finally, Rae straightens her shoulders and spins back around toward my house. With a deep breath, she walks toward my front door.
My heart thumps.
It killed me to see her walk away with Sawyer, even though I knew they needed time together. The memory of what we did in the back of her car is still fresh. It keeps surging to the front of my mind. For the past couple of hours, all I’ve been able to think about is the taste of her lips and the way her body felt when she came.
I want to do it again. And again. And again.
The doorbell rings, and this time, it’s my turn to smooth down my hair. I straighten my shirt, taking a deep breath, then pull it open.
Rae stands on my doorstep, smiling hesitantly. “I don’t have cookies this time,” she says. “But I did want to say thank you.”
I pull the door open wider and she steps through, ducking her head. Her cheeks are pink.
I gesture toward the living room. She sits down and I head to the kitchen. I grab a couple of beers from the fridge and offer her one without a word. She nods in thanks.
We don’t need to speak much to understand each other. I sit beside her on the couch, my eyes drifting over her face, her neck, her chest. I clear my throat, taking a sip of the bitter liquid to stop my thoughts from spiraling.
When Rae’s close to me, it’s hard to ignore what my body wants. It burns for her. Yearns for her.
“How did Sawyer react when he met Roman?” I finally ask.
Rae smiles. “They loved each other. I think Sawyer might have usurped my position as Roman’s favorite family member.”
Her eyes shine as she takes a sip. She puts the beer down on the coffee table, then turns to look at me. Her throat bobs as she swallows, and her fingers play with the seam on the side of her jeans.
She takes a deep breath. “I wanted to say thank you for asking him to come back. You didn’t need to do that. I know how loyal you are to Sawyer, and it really means a lot to me.”
Is this the same woman who drove into the garage and proclaimed she owned it? Is this the same woman who jutted her chin out at me and squared off against my anger? Is this the same woman I thought stole the garage right out from under me, just as she’d stolen her brother’s future?
It’s not. It can’t be.
Or maybe, she’s showing me the real Rae. The vulnerable part of her. The one without walls and defenses. The one who doesn’t need a sleeked-back ponytail and razor-sharp eyeliner.
She bites her lip, staring at me.
When Rae takes a deep breath, my heart sinks. Her eyes lift to mine as regret flits across her face, and I know she’s not here to pick up where we left off.
“Benji…” Her voice is raspy, and I shake my head.
“I get it.”
“I really like you. I do.”
“Please,” I say. “You don’t need to let me down gently. I understand.” I clear my throat, taking a gulp of beer.
Rae plays with the hem of her shirt, chewing the inside of her cheek. Finally, she glances at me again.
“I need to think about my family right now. I haven’t seen Sawyer in three and a half years, and the last thing I want to do is give him a reason to hate me again.”
“You think he’d hate you for seeing me?” My voice is full of gravel. Lump stuck in my throat.
“No. I just…” She sucks in a breath, her eyebrows drawing together. Begging me to understand. “Everything I’ve done for the past three and a half years has been for Lucy, Roman, and Sawyer. I can’t fall at the last hurdle.”
“I’m a hurdle?”
“A big one.” Her lips twitch, and my heart softens.
How can I be mad at Rae? She’s doing exactly what she came here to do. She’s acting with integrity and denying herself something she wants in order to take care of her family.
And me?
I guess I’m just collateral damage.
“I’m sorry, Benji.” With her eyes full of sadness and her lips calling out to me, it’s hard to sit next to her without touching her. It’s hard to forget that just a couple of hours ago, my hand was down her pants and she was begging for more.
That’s over now.
I shake my head. “Don’t be sorry. You need to take care of your family.”
Rae lets out a deep breath and scoots closer to me. She wraps her arms around me, whispering a trembling thank you in my ear as she hugs me close.
My arms snake around her back and I hold her tight. She smells incredible. She’s soft and strong, and I wish she were mine. I wish I could hold her all night and do a thousand other things to her, too.
She’s choosing her family over me, and I get it. I do. But deep down, it feels like every other time I’ve been abandoned. She’s leaving. Choosing someone else. Turning away from me.
But Rae pulls away, sniffing and wiping her eye before she stands up.
“I should go.”
My throat is tight. I walk her to the front door, not knowing what to say.
I can’t be mad at her. She’s doing what she thinks is right. It’s what I would do, if the situation were reversed.
But selfishly, I want her for myself. I want her to toss aside her relationship with her brother and choose me instead. Choose my bed. Choose my company.
Rae gives me a smile, dipping her chin in a slight nod. “Thank you for understanding.”
“Of course,” I say, gravel rattling around in my vocal cords.
I watch Rae walk back to her car, then close the door and turn the lock.
A week and a half later, on Saturday, I head to Sarah’s house for our weekly dinner. Rae and I have managed to avoid each other at the office, and I think she’s been busy with Willow. Something about redoing the gardens at the Black Estate.
I’ve been busy myself, between the garage, the skydive piloting, and planning Sarah’s surprise bash. Still, every day, my eyes end up drifting to the office, wondering when I’ll see Rae next.
When I pull up outside Sarah’s house, my eyes move to the home next door. Sawyer’s car is in the driveway, and I wonder what’s going on inside those walls. When I exit my own car, my gaze shifts to my sister’s driveway, and my heart sinks.
My father’s here.
Anger flares, and I almost turn around and drive away. He shouldn’t be here. I told him to stay away. I told him to leave my sister and me alone.
But the front door opens, and my little niece Gabby comes running out.
“Uncle Benji!” she yells, tearing down the lawn toward me. She crashes into my legs and wraps her arms around them, grinning up at me. “I made you cookies. Chocolate chip.”
My heart squeezes. I slip my hand into Gabby’s and let her lead me inside, steeling myself for another confrontation. My heart hammers in my ribcage, and I try to keep my face steady. As we walk toward the house, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do.
Kick him out, maybe. Tell that sorry excuse for a father to leave this house and never return. Chew him out for going behind my back to get to Sarah. He probably promised her a college fund for the kids, and she couldn’t resist letting him come around.
This is supposed to be family dinner. Not family plus the man who
abandoned us dinner.
When Gabby drags me into the kitchen, Benjamin Sr. is wearing a bright pink apron and mashing an industrial amount of potatoes. His face is red as he huffs, struggling with the mass of spuds.
Sarah sees me first. Her eyebrows jump up, and her gaze flits between me and the man who fathered us. She chews her lip before touching the man on the arm.
He stops mashing, looking at her as he sucks in a breath, then shifts his gaze to me. The potato masher falls into the pot and he wipes his hands on the pink apron, turning to face me.
“Benji,” he says.
“What are you doing here?”
Gabby is still beside me, watching us. I try to contain my anger for her sake.
“I invited him over, Benji,” Sarah says, attempting to mediate.
I hate that he’s put my sister in this position. I hate that she feels like she has to go between us. That she has to choose.
But my anger clouds my vision, and it’s hard to think about anything else except the fact that he’s intruding. He doesn’t deserve to know his grandkids. He doesn’t deserve to mash potatoes with us. He doesn’t deserve to share our table, or our food, or our company.
He. Left.
I turn around and walk back out, stomping my way to the front door. I almost rip it off its hinges, my chest heaving as I struggle for a breath.
But when I get outside, voices draw my gaze. Rae is laughing with Sawyer as they carry bags and boxes of new furnishings, food, and supplies for the house. I pause in the doorway, watching how Sawyer’s face lights up. How they look like they’ve picked up right where they left off.
Sawyer forgave his sister in an instant.
More striking, though, is the fact that Rae never stopped trying. She never pushed Sawyer away. She never turned her back on him or Lucy. She kept trying for years. She put them first, hoping that today would happen.
I pause in the doorway, watching them disappear into their own house.
Sarah’s voice is small behind me. “Benji?”
I turn to look at my sister, shoulders slumping.
She takes a deep breath. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I get it. But I’m ready to have a relationship with him. He’s our father. The kids should know their grandfather.”
Won't Miss You: A Brother's Best Friend Romance (We Shouldn't Book 4) Page 12
