NORMAL

by Danielle Pearl

  Carl pinches my arm lightly like she always does when she notices some exchange between Sam and me that she swears is evidence of a secret crush. Sometimes I'm the one with the crush, sometimes it's Sam, but Carl is convinced there's something going on. She couldn't be more wrong.

  In fact, we are still very much just friends, and if I'm honest with myself, in some ways he's become my best friend. I spend most of my social time with Carl, and Tina too usually, and I have a more earnest relationship with them than I ever did with Lacey and the girls down in Linton, but I don't talk to them about the past, and they don't ask. And while Sam doesn't really know details, he knows more than anyone else.

  Sam elbows me lightly to get my attention as we file out of class, as if he didn't already have it.

  "See you at lunch," Carl calls out as she heads toward the gym for phys ed.

  "See? Told you you were ready for that quiz," Sam boasts.

  "You did. You were right," I mock grumble, earning myself a smile.

  Sam cups his hand to his ear as if he has trouble hearing. "Come again?" he asks. I roll my eyes. "Come on, one more time, Ror, you know I earned it," he goads, as we both walk to our next classes which happen to be in the same wing.

  "Fine... You. Were. Right!" I say with dramatic enthusiasm.

  "That's what I like to hear," he teases, and I elbow him back. "Alright, alright," he concedes his gloating.

  "But that quiz was small potatoes. I had a rough time with the homework last night, and the chapter test is Friday-"

  "I got you, Pine. Don't sweat it," he assures me with a pat on the head.

  I smile. I know Sam can't know how significant it is for me that I can tolerate these casual touches. Like the pat on the head, or when he took my hand to lead me down the hall last week, or the few times he touched my arm when he thought I might be upset, or even when he playfully elbows me. All friendly, innocent touches, but for me they hold a world of meaning. Just a few months ago, a pat on the back from my mother's male co-worker sent me into a full blown panic attack. But Sam, his touch feels natural, and not only can I tolerate it, but I think I actually find comfort in it.

  "See you later," I murmur as I walk into my next class. I sure hope he's right about Friday's test though, because the coursework has only gotten more difficult as the year has progressed. It's only Tuesday so I have this afternoon and Thursday for him to get the concepts to stick.

  When I get to the library after school ends, Sam is in the hall talking to Chelsea. I try to slip by them so they can finish their conversation and I can just wait inside for Sam, but no such luck.

  "There she is, your little student," Chelsea announces, so I stop. "I was just asking Cap if you're coming to Miami for spring break."

  "Oh. Um, no, I don't think so," I murmur.

  "Oh, but you should!" She is beyond enthusiastic for someone who has barely said two sentences to me since I started here. "We're all going, you know, our group of friends. Think about it, it's not too late," she sings before kissing Sam on his cheek and sauntering off.

  I don't say anything as I turn and walk into the library and sit at our usual table with Sam following. I know what Chelsea is up to. All too well. She thinks I'm a threat, despite the fact that I couldn't appear less threatening, and she's trying to keep her enemies close. I don't want her as an enemy, I don't want any enemies, and though I've basically pushed Sam away any time she's been in the vicinity, this whole tutoring thing makes it difficult. And for some reason every time Sam and I end up chatting in the lot, or at a party, Chelsea seems to take note. I also think Sam has noticed that I abruptly end any conversation we may be having once I notice this, but if he has, he hasn't said anything about it.

  Perhaps he just thinks I'm crazy. He wouldn't be wrong.

  "She's right, you know," Sam murmurs as we both take out our books.

  I frown at him, bemused.

  "Miami. It's going to be fun. You should think about coming."

  "I, uh, don't think so."

  "You're only gonna be a senior once. Carl and Tina are going," he says, as if I didn't already know this, as if they haven't already tried to convince me to join them a thousand times. "I'll be there," he adds more quietly with a sheepish shrug.

  I soften a little. Sam is offering me support. Comfort. He's saying he'll look out for me, like he did when Dave drunkenly propositioned me at Andrew's party a few weeks ago. Like he's done several times since then when he's perceived me to be in an uncomfortable situation, usually correctly.

  "I'll think about it, okay? But if you don't get me ready for Friday's test I'm gonna have bigger problems than spring break," I reply.

  Sam rolls his eyes. "Do you even doubt me?" he asks cockily.

  We work longer than usual since Friday's test really is a doozy. I yawn and stretch as Sam looks over my work. The windows behind him are black with nightfall and I'm exhausted.

  I haven't really been sleeping well since I stopped taking my sleeping pills. The nightmares still come several times a week, sometimes more, and though it's an improvement from having them every time I fall asleep, it's still enough to keep my energy level lower than it should be. The thing is - when I take the sleeping pills, they don't prevent the nightmares. If anything, they make them more vivid, and because I'm drugged, I can't wake up. At least when I haven't taken anything I can wake up, albeit screaming or crying... or both.

  I'm also still on the same bottle of anti-anxiety meds. I still have twelve pills left in the prescription and I'm still hopeful that I can make it my last one ever.

  I glance around the library. We usually aren't here this late. All the other students seem to have left. Sam is looking over the last problem I did and I'm wondering if we should call it a night when I turn around and see that the librarian's desk is empty and her computer powered off.

  "Where's Ms. Pitser?" I ask.

  Sam barely looks up from the paper. "Hmm? What time is it?"

  "Almost seven."

  "I think she left, I think she leaves at six," he murmurs nonchalantly. I feel my pulse race.

  There's no one else here. Holy shit! I jump out of my chair and Sam looks up with raised eyebrows like he doesn't know what's wrong.

  Is he fucking kidding me?

  I want to close my eyes and count, but I'm terrified to close my eyes. I take a few cautious steps back as I break out in a cold sweat, visible beads forming on my nose and brow.

  "Rory? You okay?" he asks.

  "You- you said the library's open 'til seven," I barely choke out.

  Sam stands slowly. "It is," he says gently.

  "But the librarian left!" I snap.

  I breathe in and out, in and out. It doesn't help. We're all alone.

  He had to know we'd be all alone!

  Sam takes a careful step forward and I take one back.

  "You knew she was leavin'!" I accuse.

  "She leaves at six, but the library stays open 'til seven. See? The lights are on, the doors aren't locked," he replies. He's still using that gentle tone, like he's talking to a cornered animal.

  And that's exactly what I feel like.

  He's not going to fool me with that tone. He knew she was leaving at six, he had to have planned this. I snatch my bag off the floor and reach for my books, but he takes another step toward me and I back up again, my books forgotten.

  My eyes well up. Fuck! I can't cry now!

  But my eyes don't listen, and my tears start to fall. I hate myself for being so weak. But he's so big, so strong.

  Just like him!

  "Calculus!" I sob.

  "Oh, God, Rory. Don't cry. Everything's fine. We're fine, okay?"

  But I can't catch my breath, and I can't stop my tears. I feel him touch my arm, just like he has before, but it doesn't comfort me, and I start to tremble.

  I reach for the side pocket of my bag, but I'm too frightened to take my eyes off Sam, I don't know what he's going to do, and I don't know how to stop him. All my self-def
ense knowledge has abandoned me in my state of distress.

  "Please!" I sob, visibly shaking. Please don't hurt me! Please let me go!

  Before I know what's happened, Sam has his arms around me. I try to push him off but he holds strong. I cry and cry, and my heartbeat is too fast, and I still can't catch my breath.

  "Calm down, Ror, you're fine. I'm not going to hurt you. You know that. I would never hurt you, okay?" he says softly into my ear.

  I wait for him to shove me up against the wall, or down to the floor. I wait for his hands to take advantage of my helplessness. I wait for his tone to change, for him to spit the nasty vitriol.

  But it doesn't happen. Sam just holds me and repeats over and over again that I'm fine and that he would never hurt me. I'm still not sure I believe him. I'm not sure what to believe.

  When I feel his hands move soothingly up and down my back, I realize that I have, in fact, started to calm. I wheeze in deep breaths.

  "That's it, Ror. See? You're okay," he whispers, now tenderly stroking my hair

  Still in his hold, I reach around to the pocket of my bag and grip the zipper pull.

  "You don't need them, Rory. Look at you. You're fine. You're calming down. You don't need a pill," he whispers insistently.

  And I realize, I think he's right.

  I have calmed. I haven't taken a pill.

  When I've finally caught my breath, I pull back just enough to look up at him. His eyes glisten with unshed tears. God, I must have really rattled him.

  It's then that I realize that he's not just the one holding me, I'm clutching the back of his tee shirt for dear life.

  I release my death grip and he relaxes his hold as well.

  "You're okay," he says. It's not a question.

  I find myself nodding. Sam steps back, but he doesn't look away from me.

  "Oh, God. I'm so sorry!" I. am. mortified.

  I just completely freaked out on Sam, my friend. One of my only friends! And this was so much worse than my panic attack on my first day. I basically just accused him of plotting to get me alone so he could attack me, and I wonder if he realizes that.

  "It's fine, Ror. I mean it," he says emphatically, but I'm shaking my head.

  "Oh, God," I sob. I sit in the nearest chair and drop my head into my hands. I am so fucked up.

  Vaguely I'm aware that Sam has knelt down in front of me.

  "Hey," he says gently, but I shake my head again. "Hey," he says again, this time more firmly, and he hesitantly takes my wrists and pulls them down so I have to lift my head.

  He's holding my wrists. I should be freaking out again. I didn't even take a pill. But his eye contact soothes me, and right now, I really don't believe he's going to hurt me.

  "I should have told you when Pitser left. I didn't realize it would matter. That's my fault. I didn't think. I am the one who is sorry, okay?" he says carefully.

  I just stare at him for a few moments. Rationally I know that I'm the one who overreacted. That he was innocent in this. Why would he think he needed to tell me the librarian was leaving? But he's taking the blame anyway.

  "I don't know why you're so nice to me," I whisper, not even having realized I was about to say it out loud.

  Sam smiles wistfully and releases my wrists. He brushes my tears away with the pad of his thumb, another gesture that reminds me so much of Cam that I have to close my eyes for a second.

  "We're friends, Ror," he replies, as if this explains everything. "That's what friends are for, right?"

  I nod, because I really don't know what else to do. Sam stands and goes to pack up his books. He then proceeds to pack mine up as well and put them into my bag before holding his hand out to me.

  "I got you, Pine. Come on, let's get you home. You must be tired," he murmurs. I take his hand and he leads me out of the library, but once we're out in the hall, I still don't release his hand.

  Right now, it's my lifeline, and I'm clinging to it desperately.

  We reach the main exit, where Sam usually leaves to go bring my car around for me. But I can't quite bring myself to let go of his hand yet.

  It's ridiculous. He was the one I'd been afraid of. Now I don't know what I'm afraid of, but he's the only thing keeping me together right now. I think he senses this because he doesn't even try to free his hand.

  "Ror?" he asks, and I know he's asking what I want him to do.

  "I can't walk by the locker rooms," I whisper, looking up at him meaningfully.

  "Can I walk around the building with you?"

  I nod, and without another word, he leads me out the main exit and we walk silently around the perimeter of the building. By the time we reach the student lot, I've pulled myself together. I take a deep breath and release his hand. I look down, suddenly unable to meet his gaze. Now that the danger of the attack has abated, as well as my perceived danger of being attacked, I feel nothing but humiliation.

  "I really am sorry, Sam," I murmur to the ground.

  "Enough, Rory. You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? I'm sorry for putting you in that position, but you know what? You're stronger than you think you are."

  I snort.

  "You are, Ror. I obviously did something to trigger you to panic, but you got through it all on your own. You didn't need a pill. You did it yourself."

  I think about his words for a few moments before responding.

  "I didn't need a pill," I agree, my voice quiet and introspective, "but I didn't do it on my own either." I meet his gaze. He's the reason I got through that. "Thanks."

  Sam offers me a half smile. "Hey, I got you, Pine, what are friends for?" he says lightly.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Thanksgiving, Last year

  The Thanksgiving home game is one of the biggest games of the year. With no school the next day, all the football players, and the whole rest of the school really, goes out to a party down by the lake afterwards.

  My parents stayed in town for the holiday, but they're leaving tomorrow to do their turn with my grandmother for the weekend. Lacey had called and invited me to stay there. I never mentioned anything to Robin about staying at Cam's every other weekend, but I know Lacey knows, and I'm sure she told him. I also have a feeling Robin insisted she invite me there so I wouldn't stay at Cam's. He's been a little more jealous lately of how much time I spend with Cam. He hasn't come out and said anything really, just little things - like glaring at Cam when I show up at school with him, or insisting on taking me home after practice.

  Cam acts like he doesn't mind, and maybe he doesn't, but it's weird. If my best friend was a girl, I wonder if Robin would still insist on these things. Maybe he just likes spending the time with me.

  The thing is, we still haven't discussed our relationship. He takes me out every week, and he acts like I'm his girl, but I still don't know if we're exclusive. He's had wandering hands lately, and I've been shoving them away regularly. Part of me wonders why I'm not yet ready to move things along, but I know that I'm not. I like kissing him. It's nice. It really is. But when his hands start moving over my shirt, it's like a bucket of ice water, and I don't know why.

  I offer to drive tonight, since I know Robin will drink, so I follow him while he drops off his car at his house and he and Lacey pile in.

  It's still pretty mild out here, even in November, so we all sit around on downed logs and some of the larger rocks. Everyone is drinking from the keg, except me since I'm the designated driver. I've never been drunk, and I think I'd like to try it, but obviously not tonight.

  I'm chatting over by Chip's truck with him and Cam when Lacey walks over and runs her finger down Cam's arm. He smirks crookedly at her and I wonder if I'll be dropping her off at his house later. For the first time, the idea bothers me. I look around for Robin and spy him standing off away from the crowds with Maddie. They're just talking, but something about the way they're standing is too intimate. Of course, I know they've been intimate before. I even know they've had sex. But I didn't think he'd e
ntertain the thought now. I watch, my heart sinking as I see her touch his chest as she laughs flirtatiously. He smiles, and doesn't push her hand away either. After another minute, he seems to excuse himself and I'm flooded with relief. He was just being polite.

  I realize that I need us to talk about our relationship. I need to find out what we're doing. If we're exclusive. I don't know why I've let things go on this long without talking about it.

  Robin scours the crowds as I watch until his gaze finally lands on me. He sees Cam and narrows his eyes before he realizes it's his sister who seems to have Cam’s interest tonight and he saunters over.

  Robin's arm possessively slings around my shoulders and he pulls me to his side.

  "So Foster, kinda funny that you threaten me about takin' out Rory, and yet you have no problem usin' my baby sister whenever it seems to suit you," Robin slurs.

  I gasp, and all eyes turn to him, shocked that he would insult his own sister that way. He's not even trying to protect her, he's just trying to call out Cam.

  Lacey would never question her big brother though, so she just excuses herself to go join the girls. Cam shakes his head and scowls at Robin before walking away. Cam never pretended to be doing anything other than using Lacey when it suited him, but he wouldn't insult her by verbalizing it, especially in front of a group of people.

  "Rob, that was mean," I whisper to him when we're alone.

  "What was?" He really doesn't seem to think he said anything wrong.

  I just shake my head. He's drunk. There's no point in explaining it right now. I start to walk toward the crowd of people so we can rejoin the party, but Robin grabs my upper arm roughly and pulls me back. "What was mean, Rory?" he demands, though his voice is low.

  "You just called out Cam for usin' Lacey, but you basically called her a slut in the process," I say.

  Robin shrugs and I'm surprised that he's not remorseful. "If she acts like a slut she should be prepared to be called out for it."

  "Robin!" I hiss, horrified by the way he's talking about his own sister. His grip tightens on my arm and I wince.