Sweet Beginning

by V. M. Holk

  breathe, I love u. text me if u need me xoxo

  I swipe a tear away and shoot back our usual kk. I can do this, I HAVE to do this. My emotions are running, making me nervous and mad. I need to calm down so I can say what I need to say. Kyle comes into the living room and takes a seat in the chair across from me. He puts his head in his hands, sighs and runs his hands through his hair. We look at each other and neither of us talks.

  I decide it's now or never. "Kyle, I want a divorce."

  You could have heard a pin drop. My heart was racing so fast, I thought it would come right out of my chest. Kyle sat there and looked at me for a long time. I had a whole speech to go along with that statement. But I couldn't get anymore words out. That wasn't how I was going to say it. I wanted to see what his thoughts were first, to see if there was any hope for us in the end.

  "I knew this was coming. We haven't been happy for along time, have we? You were strong enough to say it first," Kyle whispers.

  He sounds hurt and defeated. I wipe at the tears coming down my face. "We deserve to be happy. But we aren't happy, we haven't been for a long time."

  He looks up at me and nods his head. "I know you are right, but I didn't want to admit it," he whispers.

  We sit there for a long time, not saying anything. I don't understand why he isn't talking more. Why isn't he trying to fix our marriage? Why am I not trying to fix our marriage? Are we taking the easy way out? I swipe at more tears, then look up to see Kyle looking at me.

  "I'm going to leave. I can't be here right now," he says as he gets up.

  "Wait, don't you want to talk about this?"

  He turns around, looks at me and shakes his head. "About what? It's over, you asked for a divorce. I am going to my parents' house for the night."

  I look after him in disbelief. That's it, really? I know I asked for the divorce, but I thought we would talk more about it. This isn't how I thought it would turn out. I follow him upstairs to our bedroom to see him packing a bag. He looks over at me, yet doesn't say anything more. After a few moments he takes a deep breath, then turns to me.

  "Look, I need to wrap my head around this. I need to be alone. We can talk about all the details later," he says.

  I don't know what else to say, so I nod my head. He grabs his bag, he looks over to me and walks away. So that's it. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that.

  Chapter 3

  The next couple of weeks went by like a blur. Kyle and I sat the girls down to explain what was happening. That was one of the worst moments in my life. They handled it better than I thought. I guess they adjust better than we give them credit for. They have friends with divorced parents, so I'm sure they realize it will be okay. I'm not saying they like the idea, but they are dealing with it. There were tears and alot of questions, I was shocked by how well Kyle handled the answers.

  Kyle was offered a promotion at work, which he took. It made it alot easier to get through these few weeks, I didn't have to see him. He had to attend a six week training course out of state for his new job. He was allowed to come on the weekends and he spent all his time with Katie and Shannon while he was home. I used that time to pack my belongings.

  We decided he would keep the house. I can't keep up with the property on my own, plus it's close to his parents. He loves to hunt and can do that from his backyard. So, I am moving into the two bedroom apartment above our shop. Jaylah wanted me to come live with her, until I saved the money for a down payment on a house. I couldn't do that to her, she is dating and I didn't want to cramp her style.

  Maybe there was a reason we never rented the apartment above our shop to anyone. Instead we use it for storage. It's close to the girls' school, so they can walk the two blocks to get home. Jaylah helped me clean it up, paint and decorate it. Kyle and I divided up all our belongings and most of the furniture.

  It's a cute apartment, with two bedrooms and a large bathroom. You walk up the stairs into the kitchen, which wraps around two walls. It has a window looking out the back of the shop, which is the parking lot. There are houses beyond the parking lot, with Mrs. Smith's house right behind us, and her beautiful gardens to look at. The kitchen has enough room for me to put a decent size table for us to eat at.

  You walk through the kitchen into the living room, which is a large room. I can fit our comfy couch, with a coffee table. A couple of cute stuffed chairs that Jaylah and I found cheap when we were out shopping. I have a TV stand to put against the wall with a book shelf. The living room has large windows overlooking Main Street, with flower boxes hanging in front of them. Then to the right of the living room are the two bedrooms, they are good size. With the bathroom in between the rooms.

  To the left of the living room is a dining room, which I plan to use for a computer room and storage. The apartment and shop were built in the early 1900's, when families lived above with their children. They are large and beautiful, people stayed until they closed their shops.

  I decided to let the girls pick out all new stuff for their bedroom. We had so much fun on that shopping trip. They got the bunk beds they always wanted. Good ol' Aunt Jaylah bought the girls a toy organizer, full of all new toys, of course. I think they are feeling better about splitting up their time between Kyle and me.

  This weekend I officially move out of "our" house. Kyle had the girls fly down to Memphis where he is doing his training. It's his last week there and he wants to take the girls around Memphis.

  We thought it might be easier for me to do the first weekend getting settled into my new place, without them. Waking up knowing this is my last day in the home I shared with Kyle and our daughters is strange.

  When we moved in ten years ago, I was so happy. I figured we would grow old here, play with our grandchildren here. We had closed on the house a month before our wedding and moved in two weeks later. We were so happy to start our lives, we thought nothing could touch us.

  I decide to stop dwelling on all of the memories, the reminders make me want to sit and cry all day. I text Jaylah instead.

  Anne 7:23am

  what time r u getting here, darlin'?

  JayJay 7:24am

  just getting out of the shower, toots

  Anne 7:24am

  kk ..... I am hopping in the shower now

  JayJay 7:25am

  breathe, its going to be ok. love u xoxo

  I swipe at the tears I didn't even realize were falling. Jaylah knows me too well, she is my rock. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here with me.

  Anne 7:28am

  tanks, darlin'! <3 love u 2 xoxo see u in a bit

  I figure I better call my dad quick before I get in the shower. He is coming over to help me and Jaylah get all the heavy stuff over to the apartment. Plus, he has a pick-up truck. As I make a pot of coffee, I dial my dad's cell phone.

  "Hi baby, how are you?" my dad answers.

  "I'm ok, Dad." I smile.

  I have always been a daddy's girl. When my parents got divorced it was a hard time. I lived with my mom for a little while. But we always butted heads, and I blamed their divorce on her. She was remarried to Stan, only a year after the divorce. He was my dad's best friend. I couldn't handle it, so I moved in with my dad shortly after their marriage. It was just me and my dad since I was ten years old. My baby brother, Jack stayed with my mom. Jack was only four years old when our parents divorced. He doesn't remember much from when they were together. He moved to Montana for college and stayed. My mom and Stan had two kids together Emma and Mia. Emma is twenty and Mia is eighteen years old. My mom's whole world is those girls, which hasn't helped our relationship at all.

  "What time do you want me there?" he asks, waking me from my thoughts.

  "I'm going to take a quick shower, so how about forty-five minutes."

  "Sounds good baby. See you in a little bit. Keep your chin up. I love you."

  "I love you too, Dad." I hang up. With tears falling down my cheeks, I hop in the shower.

 
As I wash my hair, I think about where my life has gone. I still can't believe this is actually happening. My thoughts wander to the night with Kyle; I can't believe he left. No fighting, no talking, no trying to fix us. I shake myself, then hurry to finish up.

  When I walk out of the bedroom Jaylah is making us a cup of coffee. She hands me a cup and smiles.

  "Hey. How are you doing?"

  "I've been better." I smile weakly at her.

  We hear a knock on the door and my dad walks in. He takes one look at me, walks over and envelopes me in a hug.

  "It's going to be okay, honey. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will."

  I nod my head into his shoulder. My dad always makes me feel safe, like nothing can hurt me. My two rocks are here helping me, how can anything hurt me? I step back and give my dad a kiss on the cheek.

  "Thanks, Dad."

  He gives me a smile, he is such a handsome man especially when he smiles. My dad has always been a working man, a mechanic. He owns his own shop just outside of town, and has always done really well for himself. He has sandy blonde hair, which has never gone gray. He always reminded me a little of Robert Redford, but with working man hands, which never really get clean. I remember holding his hand as a little girl, I would giggle and tell him his hands were itchy. Lost in my thoughts again, I look up to see my dad look over at Jaylah. He smiles at her with a knowing look.

  "Come here, JayJay, and give me a hug," he says.

  Jaylah sighs like she is being put out, drags her feet and then gives my dad a hug. I see her smiling at me and I chuckle. My dad is her other dad, just like her parents are my other set of parents. In high school we were always at my house or hers; we are more like sisters than friends.

  "We better get started if we are going to get done today!" Jaylah says. She is not big on emotional stuff, she is not a big touchy-feely person. I smile, I know she wants to move on.

  "Okay. Let's get started," my dad says.

  "Okay," I reply. I am not looking forward to today.

  Moving went faster than I imagined it would. The last load was on my dad's truck and Jaylah hopped in with my dad.

  "We will see you at your apartment, toots," Jaylah yells out the window as she waves.

  I think they both know I need a moment alone. I wave back at them, watching them drive away. Once they are out of sight, I go back into the house.

  I walk through each room one last time, saying good-bye. I stand in the kitchen, take the house keys off my ring and set them on the counter. This is it. I look around, not ready to leave, yet I know I have to. I want to savor the feeling that this is my house, it's not my home anymore. I feel my heart breaking while more tears stream down my cheeks. I take a deep breath then lock and close the door behind me. It's time to start a new chapter in my life, whether I'm ready or not.

  Chapter 4

  This weekend is going by so fast. It's been hard for me to catch my breath or think about what's happening. I've been working each morning, helping Jaylah bake the goods for the day. Then I have been working on unpacking in the apartment upstairs.I'm thankful we have some great girls working for us. They have been working extra hours to help us out so I can get myself situated.

  The apartment is smaller than the house and I wanted to get everything done before the girls see it. It hasn't been hard, considering I didn't take too much stuff from the house. I bought new things and let Kyle keep most of what we had. Shopping has been the only fun thing I've done these past few weeks. I always thought people were crazy when they said shopping is therapeutic, I believe it now.

  I wasn't going to see my girls until after school on Monday, Kyle was keeping them tonight. I was working frantically to have everything in its place. Being a small apartment, I didn't want boxes all over the place. I finish unpacking the last box, then take it down to the dumpster behind the shop. I inhale a deep breath of the night air. Now what? I haven't been alone in a very long time. I'm not sure what to do with myself so I walk back up to my "new" home.

  I stop in the doorway and look around. It turned out really cute, this will be a great place for a single person. It doesn't feel like home to me, I hope that changes. I plop down on my couch and take a few deep breaths. I'm trying to calm my nerves; I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. As I put my head in my hands I feel tears hit my hands. Is this really happening? I'm startled when I hear "Moves like Jagger," a sign of an incoming text from Jaylah.

  JayJay 6:47pm

  Get ready. we r going out to dinner....no arguement either toots

  I smile, again she knows I need her. I'm always amazed that we both have these feelings when we need each other.

  Anne 6:48pm

  kk

  There is no point in arguing with her when she has her mind set. Not that I was going to argue, I need this. I go into the bathroom to wash my face and collect myself. I quickly change my clothes, when I hear my phone going off.

  JayJay 7:02pm

  Get ur ass down here

  Anne 7:02pm

  :)

  I hop into Jaylah's car and smile at her. "Thanks for this," I say.

  "Of course, darlin'. How are you?" she asks.

  "I'm fine," I reply.

  Jaylah shakes her head at me. I know she isn't buying what I am trying to sell her. She drops it, for now. I know this isn't going to be the end of the conversation. We don't talk the rest of the drive, both lost in our own thoughts. I smile as we pull into our favorite restaurant, Applebee's.

  We sit down and look over the menu. We always order the same thing, our favorite pretzel sticks and wonton taco's. Once the waitress leaves to put our order in Jaylah asks, "SO, how are you really doing? And none of this I'm fine bullshit."

  I laugh, really laugh for the first time in what seems like forever. "Like shit, better?" I say and throw up my arms in defeat.

  Jaylah smiles, "You are such a smart ass, but it sounds good to here you laugh. You know you don't have to lie to me, I know this is hard on you," she says.

  I nod my head. I figure it's time to change the subject, I don't want to think or talk about me. "So tell me about this new guy you are dating." She makes a face and is about to yell at me. The waitress conveniently brings our food at that moment. Once she's gone I look over at Jaylah smiling and raise my eyebrow.

  She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. I know she is trying to control her temper.

  "We are NOT dating, Anne!" she says through clenched teeth.

  "Well, tell me about him and what "IT" is. I know I've been all about me lately." Jaylah rolls her eyes. "No, I want to know, JayJay," I say.

  "It's not a relationship, we're just fuck buddies! I don't do relationships anymore and you know it!" she replies.

  I can't believe how bad Ben messed her up. It was such a crazy time, he seemed normal and great. I guess you never truly know a person. I hope one day she finds someone who will make her want to move on. I worry about her.

  "I know, JayJay. I know."

  "Please don't give me that look. I'm fine with how my life is, it's safe." she says.

  "Its okay to let someone in," I reply.

  "If I let someone in, that's when I get hurt. Let's drop it, okay?" she waves me off.

  We eat in silence for a few minutes. "Well tell me about him then, okay?" I say to break the silence. I think she realizes I need to hear about her, I need some normalcy. On a night that is so far from normal for me right now. She is shaking her head at me.

  "Come on. Spill it, Jay!" I smile back at her.

  She rolls her eyes, "If you must know. He is a whiny, pussy boy. He always wants to talk about his 'feelings,' she says the word feelings sarcastically, doing air quotes as she says it. She makes a face before she keeps talking, as if it's left a bad taste in her mouth.

  "Really good in the sack though," she smiles wide and wiggles her eyebrows at me.

  I start laughing, "You are crazy! Where do you meet these asshole's?" I ask.

  "Oh y
ou know, here and there!" she says with a smile.

  We both laugh so hard that people around us give us weird looks. I love moments like now, it feels great to laugh. We continue talking about work, Jaylah's parents and the girls, through dinner. I almost feel like my old self, as I'm able to forget about things for a bit.

  We finish our meal, both of us feeling better. It's the small things in life which help us deal with the rest. As we walk to the car, I look up to the night sky. I've always loved looking at the stars. I'm disappointed that I can't see many tonight. I get into the car, dreading going home to an empty apartment.

  "Thanks again, I really needed this," I say.

  "Anytime, you know that," she smiles back at me.

  The ride home was a quiet one. Jaylah pulls into the parking lot, parks the car and turns to me.

  "Things will get better. If you need anything, ask," she says.

  "Thanks," I whisper. I look up to my apartment and feel a surge of regret come over me. What have I done to my life? I look out the window, not wanting Jaylah to see my face and read what I'm thinking.

  "Hey, I know it's hard. With time it will be better. Believe me, I know," she says. She reaches out and rubs my arm. I start to cry again. I don't want her to see and feel sorry for me. I grab the handle to get out of the car.

  "I know, thanks. See you in the morning," I say.

  "Good night," she yells from the car.

  I turn slightly, "Good night," I yell and wave.

  Once I'm in my apartment, I close and lock the door. I lean my back against it and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. I walk into my bedroom, put my pajamas on and crawl into bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling. I have to get some sleep, my alarm will go off in a couple of hours. I can't seem to turn my mind off. Between missing Katie and Shannon, thinking about my life and worrying about Jaylah, I can't sleep. I decide to leave my bedroom to go watch some TV. I don't remember what I was watching, when my alarm wakes me. I'm thankful for the few of hours of sleep I managed to get.