Becoming Calder

by Mia Sheridan

  I stuffed the money in my pockets and returned the wallet to the dresser top and left the room, closing the door behind me. I did a similar search of several of the other rooms, coming away with three more twenties, three tens, and twelve more ones.

  I had been bold in my stealing, but we needed to leave this place as quickly as possible. I was willing to risk someone questioning their missing money if it meant Eden, Xander, and I could leave that much sooner. No one could prove it was me.

  As I was passing through the kitchen, I saw a plastic bag on the counter holding some crackers. I emptied the crackers into the garbage and put the money into the bag.

  I started to head toward the front door, when I noticed that Hector's office door was slightly cracked open. I hesitated for just seconds and then turned and entered the large room. I went immediately to Hector's desk and opened the drawers one by one, looking for cash. I didn't find any and I touched nothing. Everything in his drawers was lined up, just as everything on top of his desk was, and I didn't want to disturb anything. He was strange when it came to the order of his things.

  I went to the large filing cabinet by the window and tried to open the drawers. They were locked though, all except the one on the very bottom. I hesitated, sitting up straight and listening, thinking I may have heard something. After a silent minute, I pulled the drawer open and saw only files. I tilted my head to read the tabs and saw that each council member's name, all six of them, were spelled out. I frowned and started rifling through the paperwork. At the front of each file was a newspaper clipping. I brought the first one out, for council member Rodney Sarber. I scanned the article briefly and saw it was about how Rodney had run a large ministry in Kansas City, where he apparently had been embezzling money from his own church. The article told of the scandal that had followed and showed a tearful picture of Sarber being led away in handcuffs. I put the article back and rifled through the other folders, intending on reading the other articles, when I heard the same noise outside Hector's office again. I closed the drawer quietly and tiptoed to the door where I opened it and strode out, as if I had every reason to be in there. The man himself, Rodney Sarber, was standing outside Hector's office. He narrowed his eyes when he saw me.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "Hector asked me to check the lodge to make sure everyone was out," I said calmly.

  "In his office?"

  I opened my palm, showing him the key to the cellar sitting there. "Hector forgot this," I explained. "I just want to make sure we all don't get locked down there."

  Rodney looked from my palm to my eyes and nodded one quick head tilt. "Go on then. I'll be behind you." I'm sure you won't be, you damn coward.

  I headed out the front door and put the baggie of money under a rock on the side of the house where Xander and I had once sat waiting to see Eden for the first time, so many years ago.

  The heavy, concrete door to the cellar squeaked open when I pulled it, and I walked down the five steps where everyone was waiting, bodies pressed against bodies in the space that didn't quite fit two hundred people. Workers were segregated in one section, while the council members and their families stood near Hector who was standing on a small platform at the back of the space. Next to him was a storage room that held food items being preserved for the winter.

  This space was built so we would all be together when the floods came, none of us being washed away. We would all hold hands as the water finally broke through the ceiling and began filling up the below-ground rooms. We shouldn't be afraid—paradise waited. We would be led to Elysium by Hector and Eden, where we would all look down on the earth as it began again, rulers of the new humans.

  And I couldn't do anything now except hope it was all a great big lie. And yet the very thought brought not only hope, but grief and anger, too. I had believed once, hadn't I? And now the lie felt cruel and intentional, meant to harm me and rob me of a life.

  As I stood there in the throng of bodies, I felt like I was spinning. The only sounds were of rain outside, restless children, and a few crying babies. I looked around for Eden and finally spotted her next to Hailey, to the right of Hector.

  I was taller than most of the people around me, so when I craned my neck, she spotted me and smiled, glancing quickly over in Hector's direction. I followed her glance and saw Hector was looking at her and then looked over at me when Eden did. We both quickly looked away, and when I glanced back at Hector several minutes later, his stony face was still focused in my direction.

  I stood taller, responding in an instinctual way to what felt like a male threat, even from across a very, very crowded room. The hairs on my neck bristled and I worked to keep my breathing in order. So many bodies were between Eden and me. I'd have no way to get to her if I needed to.

  I looked around for my own family, but couldn't see them in the crowd. This couldn't be good for Maya's health. I hoped at the very least, she wasn't scared. I had always been next to her during these drills in the past, squeezing her hand three times after she squeezed mine.

  Outside, the rain seemed to increase in intensity, as if great sheets of water were falling from the sky. The noises around me got quieter, all the people looking upward as if the ceiling over us would give any view of what was going on outside.

  "The gods are simply testing our patience, our faith in them," Hector called out over the noise of the pounding rain. "Don't fear. This is what it will be like when the great floods come! All of us together—rejoicing because we are about to be led to the most glorious place imaginable. We know this is a drill because my blessed one hasn't yet become mine. Without that, we cannot be led to Elysium. Without that, we are not complete. Without that, we are not yet balanced."

  Hector dropped his head, and weaved slightly, a council member to the side of him reaching out to keep him steady. Hector pointed upward to a corner of the ceiling. "There. There is where the water will start trickling in." He closed his eyes again. "It will become a mighty gush very, very quickly, and the water will begin to fill this space." He raised his arms. "But we will not fear because we will feel the presence of the gods among us!" Then he dropped his arms and went silent, seeming to come back to himself as he simply stood waiting, and looking around with a small, satisfied smile on his face.

  After what seemed like hours and hours, but was probably more like thirty minutes, the sound of the falling rain grew faint and it felt like we all let out a collective breath.

  "You may open the door now," Hector called, and a man standing next to the staircase went up and pushed the heavy door open.

  The people behind me pushed forward, and I walked out quickly and moved to the side. Everyone was eager to get out into the fresh air and the open space.

  Everyone began walking toward the Temple, for Hector always gave a sermon after a flood drill, and I followed behind them, knowing I'd be close to Eden soon, even if I did have to sit on the floor.

  I went inside the Temple and took my new place, kneeling at the side of the council members' chairs.

  A few minutes later, Hector walked in with Eden on his arm. I tensed to see him touching her, repeating in my head, not long now, not long now, again and again until I could relax, picturing that money sitting under the rock in front of the main lodge.

  Hector walked Eden to her chair and she sat down, and then he walked to the podium where he waited until everyone had entered the Temple.

  "My people," he began. "I know a flood drill isn't the most pleasant experience, but it always reminds me that someday very, very soon, we are all going to be standing in that space below ground, knowing the real flood is above us and the world is being scrubbed clean. It fills me with humility to think about the fact we, all of us here," he waved his hand around, "have been chosen by the gods. We are blessed. And so these drills fill me with happiness, with pride, and with love for all of you."

  Hector looked down. I couldn't see the expression on his face well from where I was sitting, but I imagined that i
t looked thoughtful, intense.

  "The gods have chosen me as your Father, your protector, and your leader. Nothing fills me with more gratitude and honor than that." He paused again. "And yet, like any good father, I sometimes must correct the actions of my children, my family. In any obedient group, discipline must exist or there is no trust, no faith in the rules of how we must live. Yesterday, I told you about the gods creating the gentle river and the turbulent sea. Today, I must act on behalf of the gods and help one of our own find his way back to peaceful waters. Unfortunately, one of my children has lost his way, veered off the course the gods would have him take. Calder Raynes." Hector turned toward me and I looked back at him, unblinking. I looked out into the audience and my mother's hand was over her mouth and Maya's head was buried in my father's chest. I closed my eyes for a couple beats, took a deep breath, and then opened them again.

  Hector continued to hold eye contact with me as he spoke to the congregation. "Despite the fact his baptism was just yesterday, Calder Raynes has committed the sin of selfishness, and has disrespected a council member by using physical violence against him."

  Hector turned to the crowd. "Is physical violence acceptable from one of the blessed people of the gods?"

  "No, Father," the people said.

  Hector looked down. "No, no it's not. Do we all feel safe here when there is an undisciplined person living among us?"

  "No, Father."

  "Does sin and disobedience harm us all?"

  "Yes, Father."

  "Yes. Yes it does. And so it pains me, it breaks my very heart, but Calder must kneel on the punishment board for the rest of my sermon and then he must serve one day in the people's jail underground for his transgressions. This pains me as much as it will pain you, son, my once-trusted water bearer."

  I felt rage, disbelief. I felt like I might lunge at Hector.

  "Or perhaps," Hector went on, "you are so selfish that you'd have someone else bear your punishment for you? Perhaps," he waved his arm out to the crowd, "perhaps your mother?"

  I forced my expression to go blank. "I take my punishment happily, Father," I said, my voice especially raspy, even to my own ears.

  I sat there incredulous as Clive Richter stood to get the board, shooting me a triumphant look as he walked past me, and then placed it on the floor to the right of Hector, where I was meant to kneel with my back to the people, in humiliation and shame. I felt sad my parents and Maya had to witness this and might believe the charges brought against me. But, I couldn't feel shame about what I had done to Clive. I'd said I'd take my punishment happily, and I would.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Eden

  Fear and horror gripped me as Calder stood slowly, his jaw tense and his eyes unreadable. He walked to the board and began to kneel down on it. He paused in his movement, his eyes narrowing at something on the board and a confused look passing over his features. But I couldn't tell what he was seeing from where I was. His eyes moved to Clive Richter's and he stared at him as he kneeled, a very brief flash of pain moving across his face before it again went blank.

  What was happening? I didn't understand.

  My body leaned forward, wanting to go to him on its own accord, but his eyes shot to mine, warning me to stay still. I clasped my hands in my lap and looked away miserably. His message was clear: if I said anything, I would only make it worse for him and for myself. I was helpless. I wanted to scream.

  When I looked back at him again, my eyes widened in shock when I saw blood pooling on the metal beneath Calder's knees and shins. This form of punishment had been used before in the Temple, but bleeding had never occurred. Something was wrong. Something had been done to the mat to make it cause injury. And yet, Calder endured it, his back straight and his body unmoving, but I saw the sweat trickle down the side of his face. It was taking him great effort to kneel there, suffering, without it showing on his face. I didn't know if he held a look of cool indifference on his face, for me, for himself, or for the people around him, but clearly, it was costing him dearly. Oh, Calder.

  For the next hour, I sat silently, tortured inside, while Calder kneeled in front of me, blood pooling until it ran off the metal and onto the marble floor of the stage as if in slow motion, the blood falling drip by drip, echoing through the room during moments of silence. Hector preached on, quoting mostly from his own Holy Book about selfishness and Satan and those who commit sin. I heard only a few words here and there as I said my own prayers to the gods to be merciful, to send strength to Calder, to make the time pass more quickly for him.

  Once we're out of here . . . once we're safe, I said to Calder in my mind, I'm going to look at the scars that will surely be on your knees and your legs, remembering the bravery you showed while the wounds were forming, and I'm NOT going to feel sadness. I'm going to feel only one thing. Pride.

  When I came back to myself, Hector was saying the final prayer, the crowd speaking it along with him. I looked around at the people and saw many of them were looking uncomfortably toward Calder as the blood rolled slowly across the marble floor. I looked at the men—some of them much bigger and stronger than Hector. This is wrong, and not one of you is doing anything, I thought. Not one.

  I found Calder's family in the group and saw his father and mother looking solemnly ahead while Maya's face was turned into her father’s chest.

  I found Xander in the group and a look of blatant hatred was on his face as he stared at Hector. I caught his eye, his expression gentled very slightly, and he nodded his head once as if to say, "We have a plan. Hold tight."

  Hector finally turned to Calder. "You may rise, Water Bearer." He looked down at the blood. "The gods believed you needed an extra harsh punishment for your crimes. And who are we to argue with them?" He looked around at the crowd, apparently no one believing they were anyone to argue with them.

  "But blood stops running eventually and wounds heal. If you have learned from your actions, then the physical pain was worthwhile. Was it worthwhile, Water Bearer?"

  "Yes, Father," Calder said in a strong, unwavering voice.

  Hector paused. "Very well. You may rise and face your family. Please offer them an apology."

  Calder remained unmoving for a minute, finally leaning forward and putting his palms on the floor before lifting one knee and then the other, each one sticking briefly before he pulled his broken flesh loose. I saw agony cross his features before he again schooled his expression and stood slowly, unbending each leg. My eyes, locked on his face until then, moved down to his knees and I brought my hands up to my mouth, so not to cry out. The flesh was broken and mangled as if each metal bump on the mat had been filed down until each one was a piece of raw, jagged metal. Small rivulets of blood ran from each wound. Calder stood to his full height and turned to face everyone.

  "I offer you my apologies for my selfish behavior and I'm sorry you had to endure what happened here today. I'll be considering my actions as I sit in jail."

  "Now turn and offer the council an apology as well," Hector instructed.

  Calder turned slowly. I didn't look at his legs again. I looked only at his face. He didn't look at me. His eyes were on Clive Richter as he said, "I offer you my apologies, and regret my need to prove that some people in this world are made stronger than others. My actions were purely selfish."

  Clive narrowed his eyes, but remained silent. Hector waved his arm indicating the council should begin the exit of the Temple. We each stood up and filed out. I kept my head raised high, not making eye contact with anyone as we exited the building.

  I looked back once as I climbed up into the carriage that brought Hector and me to and from Temple each week and saw Calder walking up the aisle, his lower legs a blur of red, looking straight ahead as I had done.

  **********

  I spent the rest of the day in my room, sitting grief stricken on my bed. What was Calder feeling right now? Were they mending his legs, or was he sitting alone, bloody, and uncared for? I didn't know h
ow I could bear the not knowing, but guilt filled me at the thought alone. Calder was the one who was suffering.

  An hour or so before dinner, there was a soft knock on my door and I stood up to answer it. It was Hailey.

  "Are you okay?" she asked, taking my hand in hers as we sat down on my bed.

  I couldn't help it. Tears came to my eyes and I shook my head, no.

  "I see the way you look at him, Eden. Everyone does."

  My face crumbled and I blurted out, "I love him, Hailey. I'm in love with him." I hadn't thought about saying it, but Hailey's comforting face made a spear of neediness lance down my spine. I was desperate for someone to talk to.

  Hailey's face paled. "Oh, Eden. How could you? How could you let this happen?"

  "I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do to stop it."

  "You could have stayed away from him."

  I shook my head. "I didn't want to. I want nothing else but to be with him."

  Hailey sat up taller, pursing her lips for a second. "Then you've been selfish. You've put us all in a terrible position. You've risked our future—our destiny—by following your own selfish heart."

  I felt a thud in my spirit and a heaviness pressed against my chest.

  "If I only achieve a spot in paradise by ignoring the desires of my own heart, then I reject paradise," I choked through my tears.

  "And what about the rest of us?"

  I stood up. "What about the rest of you? You all depend on my misery for your deliverance? You wish for me to sacrifice my deepest heart's desire so you can rule with the gods eternally? Isn't that selfish as well?"

  Hailey stood up. "You will rule with the gods eternally, too, Eden."

  "I don't want to rule with the gods if it means I have to do it without Calder. I'd rather burn in hell," I hissed.