Becoming Calder

by Mia Sheridan

  Calder rolled to the side so that his weight was on the blanket and brought one hand down and parted my thighs. I groaned out again, opening for him, and when his finger dipped inside me, a spark of pleasure shot through my core. "Oh!" I panted out, arching off the blanket. Calder put his mouth back to my breast and explored me with his fingers, finally circling the spot that made me cry out his name and move my head from side to side as delicious bliss pulsed through me.

  He circled his finger there until the feeling was so intense it took over, plunging me into an abyss of bright pleasure. As my body clenched and shivered, I opened my eyes and looked up at the stars, their glow burning into my eyes, and the feeling of bliss burning into my flesh. It lit the moment from within, from without, in a way that made me feel changed forever, as if somehow that one blinding second of intense light had singed my very cells.

  The thought itself seemed dramatic and fantastical, but it also seemed true and real.

  I blinked at Calder as he brought his head up and kissed my lips softly, moving over me once again. When he leaned away, the strained look on his face was so intense I tilted my hips upward, offering myself to him.

  My heart squeezed with love. Tonight, I was giving him my body, but he already owned my heart and soul. I wanted to belong to this beautiful man in my arms in every way possible. And I wanted him to belong to me.

  "I love you, Eden," Calder said, before taking himself in his hand and guiding his hard shaft to my wet opening. His eyes held mine as he pushed slowly inside me. His lips parted, his lids dropped for just a brief moment. I closed my eyes, too, as he pushed farther. I felt overly filled, too tight to accommodate his size, and I grimaced slightly, willing my body to relax. Calder halted and my eyes flew open.

  "No, please don't stop," I said.

  "I'm hurting you," Calder said breathlessly.

  I shook my head from side to side. "Just this time. The next time won't hurt at all. Or the time after that . . . or—"

  Calder stared down at me for a beat and then grinned, the smile stunning me in its sudden beauty. "Morning Glory," he murmured, his face going serious as he leaned down and kissed me softly. Then in one stroke, he plunged all the way into me, and I broke from his mouth and arched my body back, crying out at the stab of burning, tearing pain. Calder paused for just a second before he began moving inside me very slowly, groaning into my neck. "I'm so sorry. You feel so good," he panted out, "so good."

  I looked up at the night sky as Calder stroked in and out of me. The stinging sensation remained. For a few minutes, I still felt too full, too stretched, but that began to abate enough that I was able to focus on Calder above me. I stroked my hands over his smooth back, down to his firm backside, the muscles contracting as he worked his body into mine.

  I knew the blissful thing that washed over me when he touched me with his fingers wasn't going to happen again, but I gloried in the feeling of his flexing muscles and the look of pleasure in his expression. He began moving faster and with less finesse. I saw the war in his face between being gentle with me and moving as his body was telling him to. I was intoxicated with the knowledge I was doing that to him; he had lost all control because of me. I encouraged it, grabbing his backside and pushing him into me at the pace I could tell he was barely holding back from. His eyes flared and then closed, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, bringing my hands up to his arms to feel those flexing muscles as he held his weight over me.

  Calder leaned forward, brought his mouth to mine, and moved his tongue in my mouth to the same rhythm our bodies moved together. I felt a small spark as his chest rubbed against my nipples and relaxed completely into him, moaning into his mouth. Calder groaned back and then his thrusts grew jerky as he let out an exhalation of breath with each one. And then suddenly, he pulled out of me and I cried out softly at the unexpected loss of him.

  I felt something hot and wet on my belly and Calder groaned into the side of my neck, repeating my name again and again.

  I ran my hands up and down his back as we just lay there, content to stay forever in that moment, me and him, our limbs tangled together, our hearts beating as one. It had been everything I'd dreamed and more. A spike of sympathy ran through me for Hailey, for any woman who didn't experience the beauty I had just experienced with Calder.

  He shifted his weight to the blanket next to me and leaned up and gazed down at my face. "You're so beautiful," he murmured, leaning down and kissing both eyelids, and then my nose, and finally my lips as I smiled and sighed out in happiness.

  "Are you okay?" he asked.

  I nodded my head. "Better than okay. Perfect." I smiled. "The rest of them can have Elysium. I'll take this night."

  Calder smiled and breathed out.

  "Really," I said, bringing my hand up to his hair and running my fingers through it, "you didn't hurt me."

  "Well, you destroyed me," Calder said, smiling. "I'll never be the same." Calder's face was generally carefree, but there were times like now where he would tilt his head, his eyes would close slightly, and a small crease would form on his forehead. I thought of this as his serious face. He gazed at me with that wistful, serious expression now, but it was so tender my heart felt tight in my chest. This man owns my heart.

  Calder rolled to the side and we both lay there, staring up at the sky, the warm breeze blowing across our skin, and the wetness on my belly growing cool.

  I reached my hand down and touched the sticky substance and then leaned up to look at it, rubbing it between my fingertips.

  "I don't want you to get pregnant," Calder said. "At least not here, not now."

  I nodded my head slowly, blushing. "Oh," I whispered, piecing together the way babies were made.

  Calder grinned at me and then rolled on to his back, looking up at the night sky. I rolled to my side, putting my elbow on the blanket and supporting my head on my hand as I smiled at him. "I want to know all the science of it . . . eventually. Another time."

  Calder turned toward me, laughing softly. "Have I mentioned recently that I love you?" he asked.

  "Not recently enough. Say it again."

  "I love you . . . I love you . . . I love you."

  I grinned, leaned forward, and kissed him. "I love you, too."

  I began rolling toward him and he rolled onto his back. I lay my body over his, burying my face in his neck and wrapping my arms up and around his neck. We lay like that for several minutes until he brought his hands down to my backside and squeezed gently. I giggled and squirmed on him and he groaned softly.

  I leaned up and looked at him with amusement. "Let's wash off," I said, rolling off him and kneeling up. I looked down at the blanket where I had been laying and heat rose in my face. There were smears of blood marring the perfect white fabric. I looked back at Calder and he was looking at the blood, too, with something that looked like pride in his expression. His eyes met mine, and he blinked, seeming to realize what must be on his face as his cheekbones took on a tinge of pink and he held out his hand to me. I took it silently and we walked hand in hand to the spring where we both waded in.

  When the water was up to my chest, I stopped and turned toward Calder. We stood there in the moonlight, the water sparkling around us. I brought some up over my breasts, my nipples puckering at the cool wetness. Calder's eyes lingered on me and then I dipped down in the water, dunking my head and coming back up. He laughed out loud as I stood up, sputtering water and grinning at him. Calder kneeled down on the sandy bottom and pulled me to him where he held me against him so I was at his height. We kissed and floated there for several minutes, nuzzling at each other's mouths, Calder nipping at my lower lip playfully until I laughed and threw my head back. He laughed, too, and swirled us around, the water like cool silk sliding against my bare skin.

  When we stopped, Calder looked thoughtfully at me for several beats.

  "What?" I whispered.

  "I'm memorizing every detail of your face," he said quietly. "The next time I get to l
ook at you close up like this, we're going to be away from here."

  My heart picked up in speed and I took a deep breath. "How long?"

  "Two months, maybe less."

  "It will pass so slowly," I said, feeling the weight of what would be our separation press down on me.

  "It will be worth it," he said. "A little more sacrifice, and we'll finally be free to be together, free to live the life we want to live."

  I nodded, clasping my hands around his neck. "More sacrifice," I said. "I don't want to sacrifice anymore. I've had enough sacrifice for three lifetimes. I'm ready to live."

  "I know, Morning Glory. Me, too. Just a little longer."

  Calder set me down and we washed each other slowly, me glorying in his smooth skin and the way he watched my hands as they ran over the different parts of him. His breathing picked up speed when my hand wrapped around his shaft. It was already hard and it slipped between my fingers easily in the cool, clear water. "Eden," Calder moaned.

  I moved closer to him and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his mouth as my hand continued to slide over him just under the surface.

  "I love the way you feel," I murmured, breaking from his lips. "So different from me."

  "I love the way you feel," he said, smiling and bringing his hands up to cup my breasts. He rubbed his thumbs over my nipples and we both watched as they hardened under his touch.

  "Mmm," I sighed.

  Calder jerked and swelled in my hand. "I want you again," he said, looking in my eyes, his voice sounding thick.

  "Yes," I nodded, closing my own as the pleasure from his touch sent an electric spark straight between my legs.

  "Are you . . . sore? I don't—"

  I shook my head, stopping his words. "No, I'm not sore." I was sore, but the truth was, I wanted to be even more so. I wanted to feel Calder between my legs every time I took a step for the next two months. I wanted it as a reminder of what my sacrifice was for—why it would all be worth it in the end. In the end, Calder and I could do what we were doing anytime we wanted, without fear, without shame, without having to plan and conspire, and sneak out windows and down trails in the dead of night. Although for now, I wasn't complaining. For now, I'd take him any way I could, however I could, as many times as I could. He was mine for tonight.

  Calder scooped me up and carried me out of the water as I laughed. He lay me back down on the blanket and moved between my legs. We were wet and the slight breeze chilled me, but then his warm skin was on mine and I sighed out in comfort. Calder kissed me, his mouth warm and wet and delicious. After a few minutes, we were both moaning and moving against each other, trying to get closer. How was it that Calder made my body feel heavy and full, yet too empty both at the same time? Within minutes, I was desperate to have him inside me. Was this normal? Was it normal Calder filled me with so much heady desperation? I had no way to know—no comparison—no one I could ask other than Hailey who hadn't even been comfortable talking about it. But it felt too good not to let myself enjoy it. It felt too necessary not to lose myself in the sensations Calder brought. Would the gods have created our bodies to experience so much pleasure if they didn't mean for us to? I didn't think so. I couldn't imagine the gods were that cruel, not when we were expressing our love for each other this way. And I did—I loved him. I loved him to the depths of my soul.

  I felt the soft tip of Calder's shaft at my opening and I spread my legs wider to accommodate his narrow hips. He pushed inside me and we both moaned. He threaded his fingers through mine and brought both of my arms up and over my head and put his mouth on mine, licking my tongue with his own as he thrust leisurely inside me.

  He took his mouth from mine and whispered, "I'm going to take it slow this time. We're going to burn every stroke, every touch, and every kiss into our skin so when we're back together, it will only then just be cooling. While we're apart, we'll still be keeping each other warm." He smiled against my mouth and I breathed out a laugh.

  "Mmm," I murmured.

  I loved the way he was holding my arms hostage as he stroked into me. I was being held down, but it made me feel safe and protected, because it made me realize I trusted this man with everything in me. I trusted him with my body and my heart. I trusted him with my life. I felt precious, loved.

  The pleasure built as Calder leaned his head to the side and I heard and felt his breath right at my ear as his body glided slowly in and out of me, and the hard muscles of his chest rubbed against my breasts. I brought my legs up around his hips and although I still felt tender inside, he glided in and out smoothly. I felt little bolts of pleasure each time his pelvis connected with mine.

  "I love this. I love you, the feel of you, the smell of you, just you," Calder panted. I smiled. I loved how words started pouring out of him sometimes when we were physically intimate. It was another way he lost control and I loved it. I pressed up into him and sighed out blissfully.

  Calder brought his mouth to mine, pressing the backs of my hands down into the blanket and kissed me deeply, our tongues swirling and dancing together. I submitted entirely, and although his movements were slow and languid, the intensity built inside me until I fell over the edge, crying out into the night as bright white pleasure streaked through me, causing me to arch up off the blanket, my abdomen meeting Calder's and my breasts pressing into his chest.

  When I opened my eyes, Calder was gazing down at me, eyes heavy-lidded with passion, lips just slightly parted. I watched him as his lids fluttered closed and his expression became strained with barely controlled lust. Then his strokes sped up and he thrust into me several more times before he pulled out of me—the hot, sticky substance pouring out onto my belly again—his face looking almost pained, but beautifully so. He dropped his head into the crook of my neck, groaned, and then let go of one of my hands and took his shaft in his hand as he rubbed the head of it on my belly, sighing.

  I let go of his other hand and brought my arms around his back, drawing my fingernails up his arms. He leaned up and smiled at me, his eyes still sleepy-looking and kissed my lips sweetly.

  "You're the most beautiful man in the whole wide world," I said.

  Calder grinned, nuzzling the skin at my neck.

  "Just wait until we get out in the big community. You'll see what a troll I really am. There's not a lot of competition here."

  I laughed as Calder rolled off me and gathered me to him. We were both still slightly damp from the water, and now we were sticky and sweaty again, but I didn't care. I'd lay with him in the mess of us all night long.

  I leaned up and put my chin on his chest and shook my head. "Uh, uh. I remember very little about the big society, but what I do know is you're not a troll anywhere."

  Calder smiled and stroked my hair. I bit my lip and looked out to the spring.

  "What?" he asked.

  "Well, what about clothes and stuff? People don't wear what we wear here."

  "Yes, I know. I see what people arrive here wearing. We'll figure all that stuff out. It's why we need a little time."

  I nodded, biting my lip. "Are you afraid?"

  Calder was quiet for a minute, staring up at the sky. "Sometimes. But mostly I'm filled with excitement for the future for the first time in my life." He looked down at me. "We've always lived with this great flood hanging over our heads, and, I don't know, it's hard to imagine a day when I don't use that as the compass for the way I spend each and every day. But I want that. I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what it's like to live without constantly thinking about dying."

  "Even if dying's supposed to be glorious."

  Calder nodded. "Yes. And maybe it is. But," he ran a hand through his hair, looking back up at the sky, "there are glorious things right here on earth, too, and I think they're meant to be enjoyed. We weren't created not to notice them . . . our hearts weren't made to not take joy in the things we've been given right here."

  I snuggled into him, his skin warming me, and pulled half the blanket over my sho
ulders. I was so sleepy. "So you believe the great flood . . . it isn't true?" I yawned. I still didn't know exactly what I thought.

  "I don't know," Calder said very quietly. "I used to believe in Hector so strongly. But he isn't the man, the leader, I always saw him as. He's not a man I want to follow any longer. And so if the floods do come, I'll take my chances with the rest of the people Hector considers sinners. I'm certainly among them in his mind anyway."

  I nodded, growing sleepier, so warm and happy with Calder's arms around me.

  "All I know for sure," I heard him whisper, "is that you belong to me and I'm going to protect you. I'm going to make a life for us. Somehow."

  And I believed him.

  The next thing I knew, Calder was shaking me gently. "Wake up, Eden, we have to get back."

  I blinked and looked around, sitting up as Calder moved away from me. I oriented myself, suddenly realizing I'd be saying goodbye to him for quite some time. I stood. My breath hitched. I felt tears forming, and my chest ached. I hadn't known this pain before. "I'm going to miss you so much," I whispered.

  Calder had picked up the blanket, but stopped folding it at my words. He set it down on the ground and moved toward me, wrapping me in his arms. He was already dressed and I was still nude. He hugged me to him tightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I love you so much, Morning Glory. Every single day we're apart, I'm going to be planning our life. It will get me through, and you remember that, too, when it gets hard. When wedding plans are going on around you, when you see Hector treating me like a dog, you remember I am planning our life and doing everything I can to make that happen. And I swear to you, we will leave here."

  I nodded my head. "Okay."

  Calder tilted my chin up with his finger and gazed into my eyes. "My brave girl," he smiled, "I won't worry about you because you are so strong. I'll know you're fine."